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Finally, A gentleman’s cigarette holder

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Took a hat I was going to donate & an old pair of Chuck Taylor’s to invent this FrankenHat. I was going for a grunge look so at least it passes in that regard. The patches are literally bolted down with an old melted shoe lace as well as using the same shoelace to rerope the area where the bill & the cap meet!

Don’t hesitate to be honest if it sucks😂

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🔻🔻🔻⁉️Enjoy the joke⁉️🔻🔻🔻

Then

➕ £ike✔️€omment✔️ Follow✔️➕

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Don’t blow the appropriation whistle! Just wearin’ this to wax on wax off the soap from my dishes! Keeps the hair from poking my corneas too!

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My passion for comedy will soon collaborate with my childhood love for pro wrestling as Mick Foley will be performing at the club I work at soon!

Let me nerd out for a moment:

Whether you know him as Mick Foley, Mankind, Dude Love, or Cactus Jack, it’s hard to deny that he is one of the most hardcore pro wrestlers to grace the WWE! He actually graced it when it was the WWF before the wildlife foundation won the rights to the name! Now, there are a lot of phenomenal wrestlers from the attitude era but no one worked as hard as Mick to please the audience. I always respected his grizzly aesthetic that was unique among his colleagues because that often puts people at a disadvantage. Here’s why it didn’t with Mick.

Whether you site his amazing

1. Hell In a Cell(1998): Mankind vs The Undertaker where Mankind was thrown from atop the 16 foot cell & dislocated his shoulder upon impact, unexpectedly got back up, climbed the cell, was chokeslammed through the top doors into the ring unintentionally which almost landed him on his head only to refuse medical attention again as a bone or tooth protruded from his nose, only to be slammed onto a bed of thumbtacks & get Tombstone Pile Drivin for the most graceful loss in wrestling history,

2. I Quit Match(1999): Mankind vs The Rock where the 2 had a no disqualification match. Mankind was handcuffed by The Rock, then hit with 8 unprotected chair shots in the head before finally losing the match in another highly respected performance,

3. Japanese Deathmatch(1995): Mick Foley vs Terry Funk where the 2 Hardcore LEGENDS obliterated each other in a blood soaked battle with barbed wire, thumb tacks, illegal moves, & the cherry on top which is wrestling in an exploding ring that detonates C4 as the match concludes, resulting in Funk being rushed to the Er while Mick received numerous 2nd degree burns in what is revered as being the greatest Deathmatch in history,

4. Or Cactus Jack vs Vader(1994) in a match performed in Germany. Vader, known as a notoriously dangerous opponent already battled Jack in a phenomenal match that included a spot where Jack intentionally gets stuck in the ropes but they are wound way too tight, resulting in his ear being torn off upon his release! The referee put his severed ear in his pocket as the match continued! Yes, he finished the damn match with part of his body in another man’s pocket!

The reason I mention this is because wrestlers receive a negative reputation for choreographing matches as if they should throw caution to the wind in such extreme circumstances. These are a few examples of an extraordinary performer continuing beyond the breaking point of most to put on a show that fans will never forget. Now I’m not a huge fan of current wrestling but that doesn’t take away from the physically demanding nature of the job as many people perform 150-250 nights a year. The wear & tear is no laughing matter as many of the legends retire due to injuries such as broken necks or excessive head damage. Some of these men are bad MFers.

Mick Foley will be telling many of these stories first hand at my local club & if you think I’m not having him sign a Mr. Socko, you’re a crazy fool! Thank you Mick for years of history making torture that planted you in the WWE Hall of Fame as well as made you known as a Hardcore Legend!

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Stand-Up Comedy Novice Tip #1:

Never forget your last best thought/joke/tag because you’re too lazy to write it down immediately! It’s easy to permanently lose a good joke in the mind vortex! Keep your phone, tablet, or some version of a pen & notebook within a perpetual range of handiness!!

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I feel terrible. I was having a conversation with a friend & I bet him that Betty White would make it to 100 years old! I mean it was only 19 days away & the lady is larger than life! As a joke, I made a Betty White death-pool video on Tiktok a few days ago. Having forgot all about the video, I get to the club for work & the first thing I heard was that Betty White died. My heart sank. Now even though I was on the more optimistic side of the bet, I can’t help but feel partially responsible…

Did I jinx Betty? Boy I hope not.. I loved Betty White & she will always be regarded as a national treasure to me. Hell, a world treasure. She was a GOAT…

Follow me on Tiktok @calnivore to watch the video & keep up with my vlog!

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You have to reinforce your neuropathways when creating a new skill or trying to fight addiction. The more you repeat positive actions, your neuropathways begin to adjust to the positive & slowly forget or rely less on the negative pathways previously carved! See, i listened in rehab.

I needed this drag. Let’s change guys and not look back

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I’m sure this tweet is gonna pop off!!

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This is a fun memory that I wouldn’t remember if it wasn’t for pictures. When I was a senior in high school (2015), I was riding around with my friend Quinton when we decided to go to the park nearby. There is a small road around the park in a half circle. The speed limit is 10 miles per hour. At the half way point, we stopped at the basketball goal to bs with our friends. As we were about to pull off, someone said “drift, pussy” & I said “yeah, pussssssy!” Because we all know most guys in high school will do about anything if you throw in the word pussy.

Quinton was convinced he was about to drift around the rest of the curve down towards the park exit! I wasn’t wearing a seat belt & I only considered this fact as the tires of his cavalier began spinning. We went 0-40ish miles per hour about as fast as a Chevy Cavalier is capable of & rather than performing a beautiful drift as all of our friends cheered us on like we were the f@cking Duke boys, we crashed head on into a very sturdy tree.

Now the extent of the damage isn’t fully depicted in the pictures as the car was fully totaled but do you see the concave in the windshield? That would be the exact spot where I wore the windshield like a damn hat as I flew forward at what felt like terminal velocity, certain that my fate was sealed & I was about to become a window dart. However, right before I became an ornament on this giant tree, I was smoked with the airbag which threw me back into my seat, dislodging my head from the horrid glass hat!

Quinton came out of the accident perfectly unscathed! I stumbled out of the car looking like a drunk child as I felt like I was floating. My face covered in cuts & scratches as everyone from the basketball court runs over, some laughing, some genuinely concerned about my well being. I can’t blame the laughers as I am one & the fact that we wrecked into a tree in a 5mph zone is quite hilarious to me to this day. Everyone was quite certain that I had a concussion.

The police & ambulance arrived in record time (or at least it felt like that inside my discombobulated mind)! I was asked if I wanted to go to the hospital to be checked out. Honestly, I really really did but before I could answer, an officer informed me that if I took the ambulance to the hospital or went to the hospital at all regarding the incident that Quinton would be charged with something. Probably some sort of endangerment but I can’t remember. I felt like that was ignorant because I really needed my head checked out but I decided not to go to save my friend’s ass! I egged him (only just now at 25 years old learned it’s not agged) on & felt just as involved in the shenanigan as him. I went over to a friend’s house whose mother was a nurse & she more or less confirmed that I did in fact have a concussion! Luckily I didn’t need any stitches but I definitely looked like gill from finding Nemo! I wish I could find the pictures! If I ever do, I’ll part 2 this sh!t!

That is the day that I vowed always to wear my seatbelt… & I almost always do!

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Not betting on 2022

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The top photo was a candid my mother snapped the day I told my brother Douglas he couldn’t possibly overpower the riding lawn mower in a push off. I’m proud to say that I won as he narrowly made his jump to safety! He passed away shortly after that picture was taken but moments like those are the most cherished memories I have.

You see, my brother was brutally murdered at 19 years old in Fredericktown, Mo on July 15th, 2010 along with numerous other young people in the years since. Many deaths were claimed to be ss as suicides until an outside investigation (2nd autopsy) proved the gunshot in the case could not have been self inflicted. The people who did it were happy to brag around town about what they did as they are in business with a large percentage of the sheriff’s dept. Written statements have disappeared upon completion, numerous leads were left uninvestigated & several potential articles of would be evidence were never looked into. Also, the department lost my brother’s open Homicide file & actually requested we give them a copy from our personal files . We refuse until something is done about the negligence! I almost forgot to mention that approximately 1/3 of the evidence collected & listed on the official evidence manifest has been lost or stolen since my brother’s passing. Luckily we still have a copy of that because fredericktown was on the news just a year or two ago for none other than missing evidence that was proven to have been collected.

I’m not asking anyone for anything as we have outside investigations being conducted now for the first time in almost 10 years. I just wanted to speak it out into existence as Doug has been heavy on my mind. If my brother & the other youth who tragically lost their lives since are not awarded justice against their killers, I intend to eventually use my name in comedy (if I get one) to expose Madison County, Mo as well as any other department who is so clearly engaging in criminal activity or turning a blind eye to heinous crimes.

I simply find it important that people understand that these things do occur outside of films & cold case files. My brother deserves justice so that he can finally rest easy.

Please like & share if you read to the end!