callovesorcas - Tumblr blog

callovesorcas · 19 hours ago

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part of me still wishes i believed in god, but how am i supposed to believe that an all loving, all knowing, all powerful being that has control over my life and has a plan for me, would let me live like this?

i hate hearing people say “it’s part of god’s plan”, because if he exists why would he do this to me? what did i do to deserve this? what kind of plan has he made that could possibly require this?

if he was real, he wouldn’t have allowed the possibility of chronic illness or disability in the first place. i wouldn’t be stuck without a cure or treatment, left to only deteriorate with no chance of getting better. he wouldn’t have let it take away my entire life and everything i love. i wouldn’t be in constant pain. i wish that was being dramatic, but i haven’t not been in pain since i was 12 years old, and it only gets worse as time goes on, my old 10/10 pain would be a 0.5 now, hell maybe even less. what kind of god would give someone a life like this, if you can even call it a life, that is.

i can’t stand people offering religion as some sort of treatment, telling me to pray, to turn to god and maybe i’ll feel better. praying won’t change my genetics, praying won’t undo the years of irreversible damage these stupid illnesses have done to my entire body.

if codine, morphine, and fentanyl can’t stop the pain then i doubt your god will. and what?, am i really supposed to expect that he can fix what years of procedures, tests, scans, exams, medication, physio therapy, countless different doctors, countless times explaining everything over and over again, can’t? i’m waiting on a miracle that i’m never going to get.

but if i kill myself to end it, i go to hell, right? if i have appointments on a sunday/sabbath, if i get jealous and desire someone else’s health, if i use the lords name in vain or curse him for this, i’m going against the 10 commandments…so i’m going to hell, right?

i never have believed and any chance of me changing my mind was killed a long time ago.

#lowkey a rant #ok highkey a rant #it’s over sharing hours #insomnia is kicking my ass and i’m pissed #atheism #i hate chronic illness #a lot

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callovesorcas · 2 days ago

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heavily fw this🔥

Some things for my AU where Derick and Derwin don’t shoot the school up, and instead are alive and in their 40s

• Derick’s in and out of jobs. He does filmmaking on the side, but it doesn’t pay very well. He’s always getting laid off from his jobs (the edginess from when he was a teen has stayed with him a little, and it puts his coworkers off). He usually works for the minimum wage because that’s all he can get hired for.

• Derwin works as an accountant. He went to college and got a degree in music theory, but the multiple bands he was in never made it in the industry, so he’s been forced into a dead end job. He doesn’t like it.

• Derick and Derwin live in the same city in New Jersey, but Derwin only moved back after his first divorce, which is why he and Derick haven’t reunited yet. It’s just never occurred to either of them, considering high school was upwards of a decade and a half ago when Derwin got his divorce.

• Both of them regret their Nazi phases. The phase faded out when they graduated high school and Derwin went to college. They remained friends for a couple of years, but Derwin went off to college and Derick couldn’t afford it so they slowly drifted away from each other- their beliefs drifting away with them. They sent emails occasionally, but after two years, that drifted away too. Derick wanted to go to college too- a filmmaking degree- but his dad forbade him because they’d spent all his college fund on alcohol and couldn’t afford to be in debt from student loans.

• Derwin, who’s bisexual but hasn’t ever had to acknowledge it, met a girl in his music theory college class and they hit it off. They got married 2 years later, but it ended in divorce. They did not have any kids together.

• Derick’s given up on dating. He’s fucked a few women, but it’s never done anything for him. This is for a reason he’s going to find out after he reconnects with Derwin.

• Derick is a recovering alcoholic, and spent a good part of his 30s in rehab. He was also briefly addicted to weed and cocaine. His mother dying from alcohol poisoning was his wake-up call to get clean. Derwin’s never had any addictions, but he has undiagnosed ADHD- he once took Adderall at a college party he wasn’t invited to and never realised that the way he was feeling after he took it was the way everyone else feels 24/7. Derick has C-PTSD and has never received treatment for it.

• Derwin has a passion for film. He has a big shelf of DVDs and blu rays, and it’s taken him the best part of a decade to collect all of them. He has the top quality stuff (Criterion Collection, Arrow Video etc), which is why it’s taken him so long to collect. Every pay check he gets, he buys himself a new blu ray. He watches it and logs it on Letterboxd to his 11 followers.

• Derick lives alone. He lives in an apartment with suspiciously low rent, and he finds out about 6 months into living there that it’s because someone died in that apartment, which means no one wants to live there any more. He doesn’t mind. He thinks it’s kind of cool.

• Derick’s mother died of alcohol poisoning in 2015, and his dad blew his brains out soon after with one of the shotguns Derick and Derwin impulse bought when they were stupid teens. Derick didn’t even know the guns were still there. He didn’t attend his father’s funeral, but made a short speech at his mother’s funeral. He then went on a week-long road trip by himself to clear his head, giving his name as “Ben Orange” to the motel receptionists.

• When Derick and Derwin meet up again, it’s awkward for sure. They don’t know what to talk about, and Derick is as quiet as he was 25 years ago. They eventually manage to hit it off, and Derwin spills everything that’s happened in his life so far since he and Derick were friends. Derick just nods and hums; it seems that Derwin has had a more vivid social life than him, as well as more success in love. Success, at least, constituting in finding some love, even if it had ended in divorce.

• Derwin’s going through another divorce. His second divorce. Again, no kids, which is a plus because he’s not weighed down with child support, but he’s not doing too well regardless. His wife gets the house, so he needs to find somewhere to stay. (Enter: Derick, stage left.)

• Derwin looks completely different now. He’s got long, brown, slightly wavy hair, instead of the stupid skinhead buzzcut he had in high school. He still has those dumb rectangular glasses, though. Derick’s appearance isn’t that different. The blond bob and curtain bangs he had in high school are now a shaggy mop of hair, slightly resembling his old haircut, and brown roots are barely showing on the top of his otherwise-blond scalp. There’s dark stubble on his chin and his jawline, different from the clean shaven look he had in high school. He’s got more scars now. Derwin doesn’t want to ask where from. Derick looks more mature, a lot older. So does Derwin. They’ve grown up.

• Derick invites Derwin back to his place after they reconnect, and they end up watching an old horror movie from the 1960s (Derwin’s recommendation, of course). Derick falls asleep halfway through the movie, and his head falls on Derwin’s shoulder… who lets this happen, and doesn’t move his friend’s head. He ends up falling asleep before the movie is finished, too. It’s OK. He’s already seen this one.

• Derwin ends up moving in with Derick. It’s a joke suggestion at first, but as he goes through the divorce proceedings, Derwin sleeps in Derick’s apartment more often than not. They spend most of their free time with each other, just like they did in high school. One day, early in the morning and before Derick is awake, Derwin leaves out some cash and a note saying “for the rent”. He then slips out to work before Derick can wake up to say goodbye. It’s alright. He’ll be back at 5pm on the dot anyway.

• Derwin starts by sleeping on the couch. One night he comes home from the bar, drunk out of his mind, and he doesn’t think twice before passing out on Derick’s bed. From then on, he tests the waters by very occasionally sleeping in Derick’s bed. Derick, as it turns out, does not have a problem with this. And if Derwin wakes up with a scarred arm wrapped around him, that’s not a problem for him either.

• When the divorce proceedings are done and Derwin no longer has an excuse to sleep in Derick’s apartment, he assumes he’ll need to find somewhere else to sleep for now. However, he gets a call at 5:30- half an hour after he’s gotten off work- from Derick, asking where he is. Derwin just makes up something about how he needed to pick up some groceries. He continues living with Derick. Derick could use the company, really. He hasn’t had a friend since forever.

(NSFW warning for this one)

• Because Derwin’s sleeping in Derick’s bed so much, Derick can’t jerk off every night like he usually does, which means he’s pretty pent up. Finally, at 2am one night, he gives in. Jerking off next to a sleeping Derwin is surprisingly easy because it’s OK, his friend is asleep, but he has to stop himself from making too much noise. What he doesn’t notice is a very much awake Derwin, ever so slightly rutting into the mattress. Derwin gets up extra early that day to change his pants, and Derick pretends to not notice his cum-stained boxers when he does that week’s laundry (a rare occurrence which he’s only really got into the habit of since Derwin started living with him).

• Because Derick’s not got a job right now, the extra money for rent is useful. He’s currently living off what little inheritance money he has left from his dead parents, and eating the cheapest stuff he can find. His diet mainly consists of pot noodles and pasta, although he makes vegetarian burgers once a week. He buys twice as many ingredients when Derwin moves in and makes burgers for them both.

• Derwin’s been getting up annoyingly early for the last couple decades, so it’s become a habit for him, even on weekends, to wake at 6am. Spending weekends at Derick’s apartment means that he gets up a lot earlier than his friend. However, Derwin only uses the time to admire Derick while he’s sleeping, and then just closes his eyes again to get a little extra sleep. Derwin’s never been caught staring and he doesn’t intend to be caught. Ever. It’s hard, though, when the rough edges of Derick’s unshaven jaw are highlighted in gold by the sunrise. When Derick’s hair is all tousled and messy, and Derwin just wants to run his hands through it and smile. When his friend’s expression is so peaceful and serene. When his rough arms are so close Derwin could… okay, you get it. It’s hard to tear his eyes away.

• Derick very occasionally smokes weed. Despite being a former addict, he’s sort of learned how to discipline himself, so he smokes a joint maybe once a month or so, making sure he doesn’t get addicted again (rehab sucked). Now he has someone to share the blunt with instead of smoking alone like a sad sack! And as it turns out, Derwin gets slightly giggly when he’s high. Very affectionate, too. Derick could swear he attempts to kiss him at some point. They both ignore it, as an unspoken rule. For Derick, being high makes him a little less tense, and he honestly considers letting Derwin kiss him if he tries it again. He doesn’t, though. Shame.

• Neither of them have any social media except Derwin having Letterboxd, and he convinces Derick to get it so they can log the movies they watch together. Every night, it’s a 1940s film noir or a 1980s slasher or a 1970s thriller or a 1990s occult movie or anything similar- they watch everything with a hint of edge or gore. At one point in a movie they watch, there’s a topless scene with a beautiful woman, but Derick doesn’t react at all. Derwin wonders why. He asks, and Derick explains that girls have never done anything for him. Derwin doesn’t ask any more questions after that, but he sure has some assumptions.

ok yes sorry guys this is all I got right now 😓what duck! movie did yall watch 😂✌️i am playing with these men like barbies alright umm reblog and like and subscribe if you enjoyed please no death threats Ok thanks❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹hope you all liked reading my freaking WEIRD au!!!!

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