caffinatedstarlight

[caffinatedstarlight]

Sometimes I play these little “games” with myself where I essentially drop off the face of the universe. No texting first, no social media, no reaching out… no nothing. You see, the game is seeing how long it takes someone to notice I’m gone. It’s really fun. It’s uh- it’s great. Seeing how long it would take for someone to notice I’m missing. Gone. Left. It’s great, truly…

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What I imagine a conversation with my grandchild will one day look like -

“Please don’t let it pass you by, my dear boy. These are the years of looking behind things, under things, finding a calling and shouting it from rooftops to passing postmen and CEOs alike. Then, the following day, sitting quietly on a street corner, watching a thousand lives unfold despite all of your dreams, joys, sufferings, and alignments.

Understanding that two things will often be true, even in contradiction with each other. Understanding love is the greatest treasure of all, and yet it owes you nothing and comes and goes as it pleases. Life quiets down with age, so let your dreams grow loud, my boy. Tilt your head a little to the left and look for the sky. Have you ever seen the world this way? Do you notice anything new?

Now tilt your head toward your fears and hopes. Watch them change and shift. You have seen most things only a few times at best. No use convincing yourself of anything close to certainty just yet. Only that which you know beyond words, that which lives in your bones beyond the corruption of ‘understanding’ and the microscope of answers. It could be said that only this is worth putting any faith into. Trust what is beyond you, question what you create in the name of answers.

— but here I am, at twenty-one, looking for answers, writing as if I understand anything. I have no idea what I will one day say to my grandson. I am far better off calling my own pop-pop, who sits in Pennsylvania combing his own life by the telephone, awaiting a call and conversation just like the one I am fabricating alone in my notebook, with a broken pen and a long life awaiting just beyond the café door.”

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What do I want?

I don't know who I want to be anymore. I thought I wanted to guide others along their path, but now I can't even find my own. What do I want?

Deep down, I know. I want to see the sunlight filter through branches. I want to feel the sting of cold in the winter. I want to feed myself with the bounty of the Earth. I want to live free.

I don't want to live the life the world has set out for me. I want to live my own life.

I just don't want to live that life alone.

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what a beautiful horrible thing to feel so much

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Block

I could write a whole library,

I could fill a museum with art,

I could master every instrument,

if only I could get myself to start.

[caffinatedstarlight]

Hello everyone. right now all I want to say is that I love you. Take care of each other. And please, please survive. Live the best life you possibly can. That’s what they don’t want you to do. So that’s what you have to do. Always remember that I love you.

[caffinatedstarlight]

That moment when you think you’re finally over your crush on your friend and then you go to see the gay-ass Wicked movie and you keep looking at each other and then you realize that you’re not over her so then you call later that night and talk until 2am and holy shit I’m fucked.

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I want your thoughts on love. Is it eternal? Is love enough? Is love unconditional? Is it conditional? What is love?

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I spend my busiest days doing a whole lot of nothing.

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She’ll never understand.

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I just want it to be enough that I can go to the grocery store by myself.

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WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO BE SO PRETTY?!?!

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There’s something really special about when you’re friends with siblings and instead of texting just you, or texting just their sibling, they text in a group chat with both of you because that’s how much you mean to them.

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I wish I had someone to hold me.

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I don’t know that I’ve ever taken a complete breath in my life.