caelmoco

[caelmoco]

2016: The Highlights, The Lowlights, And How Rebels Got Me Through

To say I'm merely stumped about what to say about the last year is a lie. I'm actually thoroughly, completely, dug into a hole, stumped. (Great mental image that is. 6"1 me with short red hair just sticking out of some hole in the ground)

My stumped-ness can also be called writer's block. Which is both a curse and blessing to have when you're trying to reflect on what's being called a pretty terrible year? It’s a curse as releasing some of the stuff into the written word is quite therapeutic, and a blessing as it’ll dig up some emotions I probably want to keep buried for another few months. But I'm gonna break through this block and see if writing some lists will help.

Let's start with the good things about this year... CUE THE HIGHLIGHT REEL!

Highlights:

I got a job

I got my first ever tattoo

I managed my first ever team

I volunteered at ComicCon for the third year in a row

I worked behind a bar for the first time ever

I saw some wicked live music

I made red wine brownies

I went to Carols by Candlelight for the first time

I helped organised some of the biggest events at my university

I successfully documented a whole year of my life (which you can see here)

I pretty much wrote a novel (which you'll probably see never)

I discovered that my friends are what keep me grounded and that it doesn't matter how far away they are, they're bloody well there for me when I truly need it

I got accepted to go on exchange

I start working on my mental health

I finally got into podcasts

I had my most journal creative year  

I finally left behind my teenage years

I broke my coffee addiction

I finished that book about vaginas

I discovered Hamilton

Lowlights:

I lost some close friends

I didn't get the job I wanted

I had my most mentally unhealthy year

I discovered I have the family's vaginal curse

I had surgery for the first time ever

I lost some musical and acting heroes

I didn't do so well at university

I didn't do so well financially

I didn't use that planner I bought at the beginning of the year

I lost touch with what I want to do in life

I still don't have my license

I didn't do a bit of travelling (Melbourne doesn't count)

I slowly came to my senses and realised that I really shouldn't own plants

My love life is still practically nonexistent

I realised that the people I love aren't immortal and that I'll have to deal with death in my life soon

I still harbour those teenage feelings of fakeness and the insecurities that come along with it

I didn't write as much as I should have or wanted to

I still haven't gone to a First Friday at the art gallery

I rarely asked for help, and when I actually sought it out I ruined it for myself or didn't get the help I needed

I was sick for most of this year

Quite honestly? 2016 was fucking hard. I physically and mentally broke down in late April/early May, and I haven't really built myself back up yet. I left something that had been apart of my life for the better part of four years and didn't have anything to fill that void.

Actually, I did. I had myself to fill that void but I didn't.

Shortly after I broke down the world seems to have a breakdown of its own: from mass shootings to hate crimes to major shambles in politics to the rise of xenophobia and racism and hate and misogyny to losing our heroes and our icons to continuously problematic industries to acts against human rights... The list could go on and on and on but I'll stop here and let you know how the second part of this blog's title comes into play. As both the world and I broke down, I had a little thing called Star Wars to get me through.

Big shock, I know. Who’d have thought? This is so out of character for me. Talking about Star Wars? I never do that!

Last year I finally pinpointed why I love Star Wars so much - and if I continue on with this blogging thing throughout the year I may go into depth on this - but for now I’d like to say that apart from the fact that it has some kickass characters and is in SPACE, it’s essentially a story about rebels.

It’s about the underdogs. It’s about those who should have no chance at all, who are suffering and enslaved and have gone through tremendous loss. But, despite all that, they find hope. And the hope shown in Star Wars (plus the kickass characters and SPACE) got me through this year.

So cheers Star Wars, I owe you one.

Now enough about Star Wars and back to reflecting on 2016.

In summary, it was a bit shit. I came out of it uninspired and a little unhappy... But with a major change just around the corner. Most tend to end their years with resolutions. I’m not a huge fan of resolutions as they’re essentially broken promises to yourself. Instead, I like goals. And I’ve got a big one in mind that I’m typing down and publishing so I can be held accountable to it (that’s the bit where you come in).

My goal for the year? Get in touch with the parts I've forgotten. Fill that earlier mentioned void with focusing on my fitness, religion, spirituality, my social and political activism ways, by reading, creating, nurturing relationships. I want to work on everything that makes me who I am, I want to continue building on the hope we may so desperately need in the times to come... And I want to rebel a little. The plan is to track all of this through a range of creative outlets. I’ll either write something, or record something, or post something, I’ll do something and I’ll share it online so I’m held accountable for this potential progress (and maybe you’ll get something out of it too?).

So I think it’s safe to say I’m no longer stumped. Let’s remove that mental image of me dug in a hole from your mind, okay?

[caelmoco]

I think there’s a moment where you become desensitized to the hate.

Where you keep your emotions to yourself and show a face of logic and well-formulated opinions,

Where it takes a favoured musical to win awards to shed tears that are clearly for something far greater than Lin-Manuel and well-deserved team of talent.

There’s so much hate in this world and a part of me wants to give up because I’m tired.

I’m really, really tired of the hate,

And today I let that tiredness consume me.  

I reblogged and liked but didn’t speak.

I went offline and listened to musicals and baked and watched the last episode of a TV show.

I cleaned and took a bath and continued to put off that assignment that’s giving me anxiety that makes breathing just that little bit harder.

I’m really, really tired of the hate,

And I know I’m not the only who thinks that.

But I’ve had my day of grief,

My day of being tired.

Because here’s the thing – being tired doesn’t change anything.

And we so desperately need to change.

[caelmoco]

Occasionally I do the journaling thing // pt. 1

[caelmoco]

Occasionally I do the journaling thing // pt. 2

[caelmoco]

purple socks for them worrisome blues.

[caelmoco]

2016.

Let’s fucking do this.

[caelmoco]

[caelmoco]

August, You are confusion. You bring along inklings of Spring, But the haze of Winter continues to linger. Like each other month you bring the new, But you've been drenched with too much nostalgia. I don't know how to feel. I'm excited for you to end August. Maybe the end of you will bring the end of this confusion.

I need to start writing daily, so this is going to be a thing.

[caelmoco]

Sleep continues to evade me.

In a desperate attempt to get it back,

I stare at words till my eyes grow weary.

Googling insomnia in the hopes of finding comfort in familiarity.

Hoping to name my awakened state,

So I can justify it in some way.

But there is a constant cry of it’s not a disease,

It’s a symptom.

Which leads me to wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

If there is,

Will I let myself believe that it’s true?

Or will I push it deep down inside and hope it goes away?

I’m suffocating in the depths of my own denial. 

[caelmoco]

[caelmoco]

[caelmoco]

“What is this place?”

“It’s a cookbook store.”

“OI MATES! IT’S A COOKBOOK STORE!”

[caelmoco]

I had two people tell me I have a gorgeous smile last night. One, Was a photographer. Who said I had a smile that lit up my whole face. Two, Was a girl with pretty eyes. Who said I had a smile that made her want to smile back.

words said to me that made an impact by someone who doesn’t like their smile.

[caelmoco]

Well the sun caught me sleeping.

[caelmoco]

BELIEVE in yourself. If you can't believe in yourself, you can't achieve anything. ACCEPT you for who you are. Or you can't accept anyone. LOVE yourself. Love your friends, family, etc. Remember that you are always loved.

advice from my 14 year old self.

[caelmoco]

And the hair, As simple as hair may be, Is one step closer to the girl I used to be. And I miss her. I miss her content-ness and her willingness. But I don't miss her doubts and her worries. Her thoughts and her fears, So childish now, But still ever here. I don't miss them, As they're not gone. You can't miss something that's still here.

[caelmoco]

I’ve never kissed sober.

And until then I shall hold in my opinion that kissing is weird.

I’m very welcome for that opinion to change.

I just need someone to sway it.