c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I'm going to go to bed and pretend he's here, usually helps<33

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

:(

I'm just really scared right now I'm sorry:"((

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

Sorry I haven't been using this account for a while, it bothers me that the vent art that I made of a dream I had about him is in my popular posts, and I don't like looking at that and remembering that I had that

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

Why do I still get moments like this where all I can think about is how easy it would be for someone to hurt me and how I can't let that happen again or it's my fault-

Why do you do that brain? Is it fun for you??? Is it fun torturing meeeee?

I thought this shit would leave after a while-I mean I know I'm not going to get hurt-I'm in a relationship with someone who actively disproves everything I'm scared of-

Why is it so loud still?

What do I need to do to make it shut up??

What drugs do I need to put in you so you can be quiet?????

Cuz Zoloft don't fucking cut it I guess-

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

Please someone take nehebkau off of my hands

This isn't me thinking that I write characters horribly again, this is me being fucking terrified of him and wanting him out of my line of control so that I don't have to touch him anymore-

But also, hahhhhh maybe that's not a good idea because if he's not within my control then it's going to feel even more terrifying-because then I don't have autonomy over how horrible he is-and then suddenly we are back at square one-

Uh, so androphobia sucks man👍

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

If I've ever done anything to anybody that I need to apologize for can you please let me know?

Whoever sees this at least.

I promise with every ounce of me that I will take it with maturity and give you a proper apology that doesn't defend anything I did, you deserve it.

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I meant to post here but I posted on my regression blog

My bad for everyone who saw that

I'm a train wreck today

But at least I have art I guess

Not like I have music but like, it's whatever

I'm strong and I'm brave and I'm pretending to be big so that I can come out of this okay

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

What the fuck do you mean it’s Fourth of July

What the fuck do you mean I have more than just self-worth to stress over- how is that fair dude- ;-;

I need to go to sleep before I start wishing I wasn’t sober :”(

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

When I moved here for the first time someone who I thought was my best friend told me that I didn't pass and they were only calling me he him pronouns to be nice, and it shattered me from the inside out and I didn't realize it at the time but I had like a massive dysphoria Spike after that to the point where I would just not put any effort into passing at all ever because I felt like it wasn't going to work anyways because it didn't work then and it won't work now

But I-

But today I did that

I dressed up like how I want to

I didn't try to pass

And I got called a boy-

I'm

I'm a man.

I'm a man and I always was-

And I think that's why I'm crying so hard-

Because part of me doesn't believe that they're being genuine-and they kind of just didn't know what to call me- I never think that people are being genuine when they say that I pass anymore-not after that- but it's the thought that they're at least pretending for me that feels so awesome<333

But also hurts like hell at the same time</333

Because what if they're just being nice- what if they just feel like that and as soon as I do something bad I'm a girl again to them and it won't go back no matter how much I appease them after :"C

I wish that I could just believe people :(

I know I'm a man but I don't feel like one and I haven't for a while and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't fucking bother me :"(((

I just want to be held and told that I'm real and I am a man and I will always be a man ;m;

I'm sorry I'm crying again :"C

I'm sorry I'm not Marlee anymore :"((

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

Hey

Uh

What if I scrapped the cuts and bruises universe entirely :D

And/or dropped it :D

Considering I don’t know how to keep a consistent art style for it anyway, maybe I could hire somebody to draw for it later

But then that would make it seem like every time I draw my characters it feels like fanart. Of my own characters.

Hah

Don’t mind me I’m having an art style crisis again, I’ll probably end up reverting back to the old art style and things will be normal again 

Or, who knows? Maybe dropping this universe won’t be an empty threat this time

It wasn’t supposed to go on this long anyways I feel like, it’s just a dumb AU for a dumb game that I don’t even play anymore

And I don’t even draw the characters anymore

I hate that I don’t draw the characters anymore

I hate that I can’t just. Care about my own goddamn OCs

And I feel guilty whenever I’m told that I don’t draw enough of them

I know I don’t

But

How the fuck do I draw them when I don’t know how to keep a consistent art style for them

Why the FUCK do I have a different art style for every universe I have.

Why the fuck am I so difficult?

And why do I care so much

I hate Drawing

I wish I didn’t love it so much.

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I keep forgetting to take my happy pills and I think that's why I hate my parents right now- hold on as I do that :3

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

DO NOT INTERACT IF YOUR A FUCKING PEDOPHILE BY THE WAY.

YOU DON'T BELONG HERE AND I HAVE SEEN TO MANY OF YOU FUCKERS IN MY LIFE TO BE FUCKING FOOLED BY YOUR DUMBASS ANTICS. I BITE I BITE I BITE I BITE AND I WILL INFECT YOU WITH RABIES YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I don't think my brother was ever really a bad person-

I mean he is-he definitely is-but he's not the worst-

He's just loud about his opinions, especially our parents-

. Especially our mom.

Sorry Myles.

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I miss my husband :'3

-he's asleep and will wake up soon-

[c0smicr3gret-n-pi11b0ttledr34ms]

I’m real- I’m real- I’m okay- things are okay- this will pass- this is not a dream This is not a game This is not a show This is not anything- I’m okay- I’m okay- I’m real-