bzbelle-writes

[bzbelle-writes]

I often need reminding of this...

Never take on too much. As my shift leader at work often says... 'one can not pour from an empty container'.

[bzbelle-writes]

#standupforyourself

standing up for yourself does not make you a bad person

[bzbelle-writes]

A friendly reminder..❤️

[bzbelle-writes]

DEAR SPERM DONOR

When I was a child at the tender age of 10, you and mum announced your agreement to part ways in a divorce. Ultimately, my siblings and I had seen things going wrong for a while. You and her no longer loved each other and that much was hellishly obvious. She tried to keep things amicable until your new whore came onto the scene and, quite frankly, fucked that up.

It still crushed me in ways I will never be able to describe, knowing that one of my parents wouldn't be around to watch me grow up. But you always promised that you would be there, on the sidelines, ready to cheer me on.

However, aged 11, when she decided to move in with you... I could tell things wouldn't be the same anymore. We went from having movie nights, playing games together and having takeout on the sofa, to just ignoring each other and me upset and wishing I could go back to mums.

At the age of 12, when I was making friends and support groups, you condemned all of the friends I had. You were never satisfied with the company I kept. Or with the places I chose to put myself. Even though my best friends lived right in your door step, you would never let me see them or, heaven forbid, be seen WITH them.

Aged 14, I started to make the big choices. I could always tell when she was whispering in your ear... You told me I had to do what would make money. Not what made me happy. You shit on every single dream I ever had. And that made me feel very invalid.

At the age of 15 when I bought my first boyfriend over for the evening to meet you... You yelled at him, without knowing him properly, that you didn't want him close to 'your little girl'. I hadn't felt like your 'little girl' in many years at this point. Mostly because you had actually asked mum for less contact. I didn't think people could actually be that selfish... That they would actively want to spend less time with lives they had helped create?!

Aged 16 and 17 I had very little to do with you. I stopped visiting you after I turned 17 because I wanted to live my own life and maybe work part time on the weekends. But you never supported me when I said I wanted to turn my part time work into a career. In fact you actually dissuaded me from it because there was 'no money' in hospitality.

I called you the day I got my A level results... Sure they weren't straight As, but you showed very little interest in my career plans. Because I did have plans. And sure they changed a few times, but I was happy.

Aged 19 when I eventually go to university, it was never you picking me up in the middle of the night, it was never you at the end of the phone when I couldn't cope, it was never you. It was my step dad and my mum. They helped and supported me more than you ever would have.

You met my first girlfriend and refused to even acknowledge her in a positive way. You made a snide remark and then got offended when she threw it back at you.

Aged 20 I moved back into mums. I dropped out of uni because I couldn't cope with the stress. I got in with the wrong crowd. I did illegal drugs, binge drank and flitted about just to feel something. I found a 'boyfriend' who I loved. You and her even told me he was a 'lovely guy' and I had 'really done well'. Little did you know the guy was a massive narcissistic wanker. He abused me, and ignored our safe words. I fell pregnant with his child... And he dumped me. When I told you, you said I'd end up 'just like my mother'. I told you that I'd be proud to end up like her and you laughed.

Aged 21, I posted a Facebook tribute to my (step) dad in father's day. 1. You refuse to use Facebook for any reason. 2. He has been there and you haven't. 3. He's taken on children that aren't even his and has done amazingly for it. 4. You weren't there. Clearly this offended you. Because you were barely in contact after that.

Aged 23 I had a beautiful son and a daughter on the way. I had a long term relationship and a place of my own. You never contacted me. You rarely helped out when we needed it... I thought maybe you were just distancing yourself but whatever. Why should it matter?

We had a conversation about my third pregnancy (because we lost our second... But you never cared to ask when I told you about that). Your response was to tell me to 'keep my legs shut next time' and tell me you wish you never had children. Fuck you. Ass hole. Person 50% responsible for my existence.

I am now 26. With a family of my own. A beautiful son, daughter and husband, who I married last week. You got supposedly offended because I didn't invite you. You had told me my whole life you never liked weddings or family gatherings... I sent you photos and tried to engage you with your daughter, son in law and grandchildren but you just ignored them.

I'm done. People often say you shouldn't burn family bridges... But I'm more than happy to destroy this one.

All the best as you navigate this world knowing that your only daughter has given up on you.

Ps. I will never be able to see you as more than a sperm donor. You lost the title of 'Dad' when I was 17. You lost the title of 'Father' today.

[bzbelle-writes]

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

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Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

 Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

 Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

 Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

 Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

 Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

 Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

 Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

 Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

 Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

[bzbelle-writes]

It’s okay to reach out for help. It doesn’t make you weak.

[bzbelle-writes]

“You don’t decide to be an addict. One morning you wake up sick and you’re an addict.”

— William S. Burroughs, Junkie

[bzbelle-writes]

Just a daily reminder...

You can do it.

You are worth it.

You are loved.

BzBelle

[bzbelle-writes]

I feel this...

Love didn't hurt you, someone who didn't know how to love hurt you

[bzbelle-writes]

I feel this....

[bzbelle-writes]

It feels weird to have to write this a few days after IWD but here goes... (I will leave a CW: this feature does contain content relating to rape and sexual assault. Feel free to skip those bits)

I've seen many posts recently about Sarah Everard on my Facebook feed. A girl who was abducted in London, her home city, while walking home at night. And it got me thinking about the reasons we celebrate IWD and why it's so tricky to be a woman...

We as women and girls, all know the feeling. The fear of seeing a stranger approach or follow us for whatever reason. The sinking in our stomachs as we change direction on our usual walk home and see them still following or approaching. The sickness of always being told 'carry your keys' 'cover up' 'don't stay out late' and 'call me when you lock the door'.

Having been there, it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone regardless of sex or gender persuasion. And yet women and girls have ingrained in them from a young age that its just a natural thing.

As teens we are told to cover up our bodies because men can't control themselves. Heaven forbid however that you should cover up too much... Because then you are a prude and no one will ever want you. As girls we are told that he must make fun of you because he likes you. Heaven forbid you should hit them back because that makes you unladylike... Therefore no one will ever want you. As women we are told to just lay back and think of england... But heaven forbid we should stand up for ourselves and say NO. Because then you are playing games with the poor boy and guess what? No body will ever want you.

This has to stop.

I took self defence lessons as a teen... But I won't lie, I liked to party. I liked to drink, I liked to dance and I loved to have fun. Why then was I told that after a heavy night out I shouldn't get in a taxi with a man? And I shouldn't get on a bus alone? I certainly shouldn't go to a strangers home, and god forbid, even though I knew the streets like the back of my hand, I shouldn't EVER walk home - alone - in the dark?

I was drugged and sexually assaulted by an abusive partner. But BECAUSE he was my partner, a person I was meant to trust, care for and unconditionally love. I didn't feel the need to carry my keys or check my drinks or even try to fight him when he did what he did. Why? Well, it's just part of being in a relationship... Right? Wrong. Violence and assault shouldn't ever be considered terms of endearment. It shouldn't be considered a woman's duty to please her man, even on the nights she really doesn't want to. It shouldn't have been my duty, at age 20, to grin and bear it as he perpetrated such acts that it still pains me to think about. Let alone write about.

But it's not all men...

It may not be all men. But it certainly applies to all women. We have all called a friend as we walk home. We have all changed our usual walking or running route to avoid a stranger. We have all at least once in our lives, left our drinks, carried our keys and looked for an excuse to leave.

I will tell you a story - a true one which actually happened to me about 10 years ago. A friend of mine was on a date that she didn't feel comfortable with. She hadn't told anyone where she was and initiatives like 'ANI' and 'ask for Angela' didn't really exist back then. She texted me from the toilets of the restaurant telling me she needed an excuse to leave... I told her, give me 5 minutes and I'll call and make something up. After a long conversation where I told her I had been arrested for drunk driving and her sister was in labour, she left. She was lucky because I knew the man she was with... And he was not the sort I'd want around a close friend if I'm honest. Either way, she should have been allowed to say 'I'm not OK with this. I'm leaving.' without the fear of *bruising* her dates bravado or masculinity.

I guess the long and short of what I'm trying to say is, THESE ARE THE REASONS WE STILL CELEBRATE AND NEED IWD. It's not just to celebrate how far women have come, it's also to think about how awful women are still treated in the 21st century and ask the question: HOW CAN WE CHANGE THIS??

I live in hope that one day - maybe not in my life time - but hopefully my daughters and grand daughters lifetimes... Women will be able to walk down a street at night without the fear of being cat called, harassed, stalked, raped or abducted. Women will be able to dress how they want without being told its too sexy or not feminine enough. Women will be able to raise families - or choose not to - safely. Girls won't need to be told from a young age to be careful and wary when walking home at night alone.

Until the day I can live freely as a woman and not be a sum of the men in my life. I will keep making this point.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

Tl:Dr - IWD is important yall.

[bzbelle-writes]

To the women who helped shape who I am today.

Whether it was through:

Giving birth to me

Raising me

Sisterly advice

Being a good friend

Cheering for me as a followed my dreams

Lending me a sanitary pad when I forgot my body clock

Helping me with boy troubles

Letting me borrow your clothing for a date

Helping me with makeup

Being my girlfriend

Being my wife

Inspiring me to realise what I wanted out of life.

I love you all.

Here's to every mother, grandmother, sister, best friend, wife, fiancee, girlfriend, cousin, neice and auntie.

Whether you are gay, straight, bi, cis, trans, black, white, orange, local, far away, friend or stranger.

To those women who work to inspire others rather than tear them down.

Women have come so far in the last 100 years. We can now vote, work, dress how we want to, act how we want to, get married, get divorced, be believed when we talk about our traumas, get medical help for women's problems, transition, access sanitary products, own land, own homes, choose to have children, wear jeans... There are so many things I can do today because another woman stood up for my rights.

Thank you.

[bzbelle-writes]

I always preferred 'Twelfth Night'...

[bzbelle-writes]

'Unless they payin' your bills, pay them bitches no mind' - RuPaul: Sissy That Walk.

[bzbelle-writes]

Day 4: 10 interesting facts about myself

1. I have high functioning autism. I was diagnosed aged 7/8ish which is pretty late on all things considered. I have been in and out of therapy and psychologists for most of my life. The main ways autism affects me is that I struggle with social cues, especially in the form of banter and sarcasm. I trip over things often, even when they aren't there. Finally I have a deep love for fantasy as an escape. Fantasy worlds where my problems are understood or not important as a part of who I am.

2. I have 2 beautiful children. One boy aged 5 and a girl aged 3. They are my world and I love them to pieces.

3. I am a proud bisexual woman. I came out at the age of 19 after a long struggle with my feelings towards women. I always thought that I could find a woman pretty or attractive without wanting sex from them. It wasn't until I met my first real female love aged 16 at college that I realised... Hang on, I really do feel a sexual and romantic attraction to ladies. Just as much as, if not more often than men.

4. That being said, my current fiance of 5 years (as of yesterday) is male. Even though I generally find myself more attracted to those of the same sex/gender, my fiance is my rock. He has supported me through a lot of difficult shit in my life. He is my present and future, I can't wait to spend my life with him.

5. I like to consider myself a very Liberal and free person. I believe in love is love and I am pro choices in all aspects of life.

6. I do believe in God. But I do not follow any form of organised religion. Having been raised in the LDS Mormon church, I found that religion often restricts the way I choose to practice my beliefs. I pray occasionally and I do not believe that God hates ANY of us. After all, his top two commandments were literally 'love God above all else' and 'love your fellow man'.

7. I am a total geek. My favourite things include table top RPGs, trading card games of most types, video games and reading books. I love DnD, Magic: the Gathering, Pokemon and the Hunger Games.

8. I have 10 tattoos. Five are pokemon, one is a crossbow, one is bisexual pride, one is for my PTSD recovery, one is a mocking Jay, one is a digimon and the final one is a heat mandala that I loved the artwork for. They all mean very special things to me. I will never change them.

9. My celebrity crushes include: Lzzy Hale, Brent Smith, Rihanna, Lady GaGa, Johnny Depp and Jennifer Lawrence.

10. I love making new friends. In spite of everything my past has thrown at me, I am proud of who I have become. I sincerely hope that I have become a person that people can be proud to call a friend.

❤️❤️

[bzbelle-writes]

Day 3: My first love.

A beautiful person with a blue aura, calming my untamable wildside. You started as a good friend to me. We were close, some may say inseparable, for years. We hung out, went to parties, got drunk... You were my rock and my best friend. Tall and slender, with lips that just looked so kissable and fresh. I had kissed them once at a party and you never thought much of it. Why? 'I was drunk so it can't have meant anything'. It meant more to me that you would ever comprehend. Your bright blue eyes just sparkled in such a way, I could have stared into them for what felt like hours. Your skin was soft when you held my hand or gave me other friendly comforts. Your voice was the most beautiful thing about you. Not just the way you spoke but what you said. You never had a bad word for anyone... It wasn't until you befriended her. She drove a wedge between us and smashed our friendship. The shattered pieces cut me to try and repair but alas, I couldn't do it. Once I lay awake wondering if she had told you about how I felt but thankfully I had never confided this in anyone. I basically discovered who I was because of you. My love for you was tender and non conforming, I wanted to be for you what you were to me. A strong and resilient presence. A lover and a best friend for life.

It was not to be.

And I will always miss what we had.

[bzbelle-writes]

Day 2: My earliest memory...

(AN: this was tricky to write to be honest... And I may write it again tomorrow. I've usually been pretty good at writing poetry, but I was really finding inspiration hard for early memories. So this poem is about my first day at a new primary school aged around 7. I really hope you enjoy it!)

'First day?' She said... 'They can't wait to meet you!'

If only the sentiment had forever reigned true.

I had always felt a little out of my zone.

Just ticking the hours wanting to go home.

Kisses from mum and hugs from dad.

Were the comforting things I had always had.

I may have met them but remember no names

Faceless individuals of whom I was afraid.

It took its tole on my sanity after a while.

The torments and name-calling it took away my smile.

Made me dread the days I would go back

With my hackles up always on the attack.

I was a child of a good home just a little bit slower to love

I could have done without the push and shove

Down a path that made the experience hell

But I guess the saying is true, only time will tell

A myriad around me in hues of grey, white and green

A colour on which I was never keen...

Meltdowns became a monthly occurence

Repetitive behaviours and constant reassurance

I had very few friends and fewer I trusted.

But I'm glad primary school is now done and dusted.