bynextyear - Tumblr blog

[bynextyear]

[bynextyear]

Thinspo for me and the boys

[bynextyear]

in all honesty, there are only two theories about life that seem realistic. a) there is no purpose, hence we need to set purpose ourselves and b) there is no purpose, and that's the beauty of all. at first, this realisation felt so fucking freeing. like, i can do anything..but in the end it wont matter. it gave hope, opportunities. but now, the doom is here. what's the point? in the end, it all goes black. so what's the point of trying? to build up a legacy i can be proud of when im taking my last breath? ive practically died once and when i woke up in the hospital my only thought was to get out of there so i can kill myself, which i did not attempt after all. it just feels so useless. nothing really seems satisfying anymore. i wanna try, do well in school, get a good job. but for what reason? i got no motivation, no discipline and i wish i gave enough fucks to build it. my only catharsis is 1-2x week smoking/ingesting of weed so i can chill out for few hours. thats all i got going. thats the only thing that saved me from further self destruction. but man, if i really was that saved, would i be writing here on tumblr again? im just struggling honestly. i dont know whats real and whats not and all i can do is theorise and pick what i wanna hear. but the answers arent concrete. is there an afterlife? surely, it wont be similar to religion heaven/hell. it doesnt matter what person you are here, you wont be rewarded nor punished. its all just a dream, a nightmare, whatever youd like to call it. i just feel so lonely, and its all my fault. my mom seems me as some fucking alcoholic and probably a junkie, trying her best to see a spark in me. and to be fair, shes the only family member that cares about me. my sister, way older, occupied with her own life. my father, doesnt even seem to deserve that name. its been a long time since ive given someone my trust 100%. its all just surface level now and im lost in emotions. i dont know what im feeling. just, doom, numbness. i cant even decipher those feelings anymore. i just wish i could be high all the time. its the only thing that calms me down, makes me feel better. fuck the plans, fuck everything. i just want to rest. i just want peace.

[bynextyear]

[bynextyear]

such a perfect body

[bynextyear]

finding old body checks in my gallery from when I was skinnier

[bynextyear]

its relapse time

[bynextyear]

i need to stop purging i want a slim fucking face for fuck sake why do i do this to myself

[bynextyear]

and there i relapse to cutting again. why do i do this to myself.

[bynextyear]

the guilt for eating has intensified. i am trying my best to prevent binging but i keep eating too much, i just wanna lose as much weight as possible till nov 10th.

[bynextyear]

i feel so fucking cold. all that brings me some sort of joy are stimulations. i dont want human contact no more. i want to be gone from this planet.

[bynextyear]

the less i eat the more i feel my cheeks suck back in. i want a thin thin face, i want to look like a god

[bynextyear]

[bynextyear]

[bynextyear]

[bynextyear]

collar bones, hip bones and then thigh gap

[bynextyear]

vaping is my favourite meal