buriedclown

[buriedclown]

I try and stand by that no one is there source. You are your own person. But then he came and that all went out the window.

I thought this is it. Hes gonna take me back. Its all over. And i spiralled. Silently. I thought that if i ignored it that itd go away. The moment i accepted it that itd be real. But i had to. Just to save myself.

Explaining where he is and whats happened while convincing myself that he cant take me home. I know he could see right through me. Im still not sure on this entire situation. What if hes just fucking with me. Playing along until he gets bored. And what if hes not. Then im an asshole.

Im trying. Im really trying. And it feels like everyone sees me as a dickhead for being this way. I get it. But do you see why? One of the only people from my source who is truly a threat. The only man who can change canon. He could decide my own death at a single thought. He could empower the people who work against me. He could put me right back into that hell.

Some people might call me stupid. But i am more afraid of that man than i am habit.

And that wont change for a long time. I can tell you all the memories i want. But youll never live through what i did. And that makes me happy more than anything that you dont and cant go through that.

But please understand. Im fucking terrified. And theres nothing i can do about it.

[buriedclown]

I dont think its foolish at all. I think its rather comforting actually. I know its silly to say in a system full of introjects and also knowing a system similar but. Theres something more comforting knowing that you understand. You specifically.

I always get nervous asking about something or mentioning a memory thats actually wrong cuz im worried im just embarrassing myself. Or that im burdening you guys with my homesickness when you already have so much to worry about.

But theres something more relaxing about knowing you understand because you go through summit similar. I wish you didnt have to but. Its nice.

Itd be nice. When i come up. If we can just sit down and talk about home. If you want to. Tell me about your home. Talk about old memories. You dont gotta if you dont wanna but id like to hear about it. About your home. If you want.

[buriedclown]

And i finally fall, overcome by everything.

I was fine, i went to go make a cup of tea and by the time i got back upstairs. I collapsed under the pressure of it all.

Moon man playing in the distance as my headphones fall off as i hit the floor.

Fuck

I dont even know what to say

I just want to go home.

1 week. Can i make it 1 week. I fucking hope so.

[buriedclown]

On my walk i get to see my wife which is a rarity here. I say hello, tell her shes pretty, talk about my day. And things are okay.

But then i look opposite her and see you. Your always somewhere watching me. But you dont talk like you used to. You just watch.

And im reminded of the things you put me through. The different timelines and worlds. And then i think about this world. And at times im happy when im with those two but every other time i just want to go home.

And it scares me. At any second im afraid time will freeze and youll come walking in. Time will freeze and all ill hear is your stupid ass voice telling me its time to go home.

And while id be happy to go home to see my people again. I couldnt live without those two. No matter which world im in. No matter which timeline. Ill always be missing someone.

And if you have put me here. If this is your doing. I fucking hate you. I hate you with all my being because this is cruel.

But also.

If you have done this please just leave me here. Just let me be. Dont take me away from this. I can only just function without maunder. Dont take me away from these two. Please. I cant bare waking up alone in another world again. Not without those two.

[buriedclown]

And it just gets worse.

I gave myself a task. To keep myself busy at least. Me and Wilbur have an agreement.

I try and learn those twos comfort songs in the 3 weeks i have here. As my last thing for them. If he ever saw me getting close to finishing before the 29th, hed take any memory of either song. That means i won't finish until the 29th meaning i wont have a final peice finished for them. So i cant die.

I started today. I started learning how to play Plan 9 Channel 7 by The Damned. It was going well. A bit rusty and my guitar still needs fixing but itll do. I do my warm up of Since I Saw Vienna and it went fine. Thats muscle memory at this point.

I learned the intro for him. Got that down mostly easy. Its only 2 chords and a slide down. Piss easy ones too. Em and C and a B flat between. And then the first verse. Bit of a more hand wrangled one but we move. Never been a fan of F chords but i tell myself its for him and carry on. I get it down. It dosnt sound completly right but thats my guitar for you. Nothing too hard.

But then my hand locks up. My hand stuck in a claw. Absoloute agony. I nearly dropped my guitar and i have to stop playing.

I used to be able to learn and play a full song in one day. And now i cant even get past the first verse without my hand locking up. The left one too. And then the monthly realisation hits. The fact that itll only get worse. I wont be able to play guitar at all pretty soon.

One of the only things im good at. And its short lived. This body is 21 and can barely play a guitar without locking up. What the fuck am i gonna do.

[buriedclown]

I sit in my cell after my lectures and walks thinking about everything and nothing.

There was a graduate ceremony today. Luke was talking about his mum and dad going. Rory agreeing. While i stood in silence. The constant reminder that my parents wont see me graduate paired with the constant feeling that this will be the rest of my life.

I dont see anything after june 2025. Not a single thing. I cant see past uni and i can barely see past november. Im tired. I dont know what comes after. And i dont know if ill ever find out.

Im always tired. Always in pain. I dont want to do any of my work. I just want to go home. Permanently. But thats too much to ask for. Cant have my comfort food. Cant cook anything decent. The mold under my bed is making me sick im pretty sure. Idk. Im tired.

[buriedclown]

and like that. It all comes back.

Everything he did. Every death he caused. Everything.

5p00k5 in tears, shaking in the corner. Curse just stares, grin wiped from its face. HABIT stood hands on my shoulders forcing me to face him,Kirill, speachless and riddled with guilt.

GO ON IM SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY TO TALK ABOUT NOW DONT YA?

Kirill, on his knees gripping onto my shirt

im sorry im so fucking sorry lu please i know i fucked up. please luna im so fucking sorry

I have no words. Im not angry. Im just hurt. I just stare at him. That just pisses HABIT off more. Nails deep into my shoulders. Shirt now stained with blood and tears. The less i speak the angrier it gets.

I originally thought spider feet were meant to look like paws from up close. But now im closer than ever. And can only count them from the sharp pain in my right side.

One. Two. Three. four. And i wait.

NOTHING TO SAY? NOTHING AT ALL? YOU REALLY ARE PATHETIC. BETRAYED BY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YET YOU STILL HAVE NOTHING.

I died around 37 times in one month in my first year of uni. Between the end of February and beginning of March. I was addicted to coke. I was an alcoholic. And while Kirill kept us semi functioning, he took pretending to be me one step too far. The price of "love" is expensive. And the price he was willing to pay was infinite.

But. I think one part of me understands that he just wanted to be loved. He wanted someone to understand him. But it was never love he wanted to give back and Kirill couldnt see that.

And even with all that.

No matter how many times he saw me die to my own hand, he still did everything he could to protect me from him.

So my dear Kirill. I cant be angry at you. You were used and afraid and didnt know what to do and he was aware of that and took advantage of it. Thats not your fault. And i probably wont remember any of this by the morning or i may be dead but my opinion wont change.

You sacrificed yourself to save me and now you hold the burden of remembering those moments as punishment.

I wish i had told you i loved you back then, so you didnt have to go begging for it elsewhere. I wish you had realised how loved you were by the people that mattered, but being told your unloveable casts a shadow so heavy that you forget about everything else, so i understand why.

Ive always loved you, kirill, and that wont change. I promise.

[buriedclown]

Hes around every corner. Everywhere i look. Following. Watching. I see one person who looks like him and i panic. I get home feeling lightheaded and out of breath. I cant even type this out properly. I cant focus on anything. I dont know. Fuck.

[buriedclown]

I feel sick. This is probably the worst its been. The worst its felt. I might actually end up throwing up if this carries on. But i gotta pack

[buriedclown]

I think about what i said to judas the other night.

Why did i say that. What made me say that.

And then HABIT gives me a cruel reminder why.

Reminds me of all the times my mother screamed at me to show some emotion. To be happy. To be sad. Anything. But i always gave her the same blank stare.

Then came Gareth. Hed call me a psychopath. Practically begging me to show some form of emotion at any moment. Anytime hed scream at me. Anytime i was in fights. Nothing. Just that blank stare. Even in calm moments.

Anne knew what was wrong. I knew that from the way she looked at me. The way she spoke to me. She never shouted. Never called me anything. But she never told me what was wrong.

And now i try my best to show emotion. But even after all these years of practice i still cant do it right.

I think back to that night in the kitchen with ifor. For the first time they were practically screaming and crying at me about Oscar. I didnt know what to say. Didnt know what to feel. So i just gave them that blank stare. That only upset them more.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Or why i cant feel like they can. Sure i get bursts of emotion at times. Like last night but thats it.

A breif moment of feeling normal. But thats all ill ever get.

I dont talk about it often. I dont like anyone seeing me like that. I dont think ive ever actually spoken to anyone about it.

I try cover it up as best i can with someone else constantly helping me. But even then i have times where im silent. Mostly if those two are talking. Those silent moments in the car. Just blank. Nothing.

Maybe one day ill finally get the answers i want.

And im sorry for all the times ive done that. I understand now that it wasnt fair of me. Just please understand im trying to fix myself. Somehow. For the past 15 years.

[buriedclown]

I dont want you to hide away. Either physically or mentally. I want to be by your side through everything. We both do. Even if its on the bathroom floor. A hospital bed. Anywhere. I know you dont want us to see you like that. But i cant sit by and watch you suffer alone. Id rather you here where i can make sure your hydrated. Make sure your eating something. Even if it means your body rejects it. Its still helping you. Even if it feels like its not.

Yeah its upsetting. But its more upsetting knowing your alone on that fucking floor. I know being alone makes it feel so much worse. Having to do it all yourself. I want to help. We want to help you. Even if you see it as pointless. Well do everything wr can to help you till the very end.

So please. Please let us help you. I cant do abything but ask. And beg. That you let us help you. Please.

[buriedclown]

He sits next to me. Sad little clown. Shaking. I seat us far enough to calm him but its not enough. I remind him that it cant hurt him. Weve got control over it and ifor will keep it far away.

I light up a fag for him and we talk. He tells me about the circus. His parents. The fire. I listen. Of course i already know all this. But its nice to hear him talk. He takes his gloves off for the first time, willingly. I redo the stitching for him while he talks. As gentle as i can.

He tells me about his voice before. His acts. All of it. Says he misses it. Misses being able to sound gentle. I remind him thats not his fault.

I find his hat and gently place it on his head. I take his hands and place the small Percy plush he keeps. And remind him hes safe.

Sad little clown. The fire cant hurt you anymore. I promise.

[buriedclown]

Sat on the bathroom floor. Shaking. With that familiar nauseous feeling. My head feels heavy. My neck hurts. Theres blood everywhere. I try to keep my eyes open as i clean. Im tired. My hands shaking as i struggle. I try to find the source. Nothing. I sit for a moment. Drowning. Feeling like this is it. I finally went too deep. And then its gone. Im still shaking and my head still feels heavy. But theres no blood. The tissues and wetwipes all clean. And now im just surrounded by nothing. I can still feel it yet i cant see it.

What just happened. How did this happen. Did anything really happen. Or am i truly losing my mind.

Still feeling nauseous i drag my shaking body to my bed. I check myself over again. Nothing. I think about the next few days. I think about the hospital down the road. I think about the train on wednesday.

I lie down and tell myself ill be fine.

I think abiut what ive eaten. Or lack thereof. My apps been deleted again. How fun. My body seems to return to how it usually is. But i cant rid myself of this dreadful feeling that what i saw was more than just my brain messing with me. But i dont know how to say that without people thinking im fucking insane. I dont even know how to tell them my meds dont work anymore. Or at least theyve stopped working recently.

I cant sleep. I dont feel hunger until im shaking and collapsing under my own weight and even then i question if i truly need it. Strange dreams haunt me but im too afraid to tell people as i cant cope with questions about it and then something happens and i feel like i cldve helped prevent it. I cant leave my room unless someones with me nevermind the house. I refuse to answer the door. Everyones out to get me. If i answer they may break in. If i go to uni i may be attacked. There waiting for me. And i dont know how to stop it.

I feel like im finally losing it. And im fucking 24. No this body is 21. Strange. To say the least.

[buriedclown]

I wake early from a nightmare. Entire body aching at every movement. My eyes aching. Ive been crying in my sleep again. At least its light outside. I can turn around without seeing her.

It was new. One moterbike accident. Sent straight to school anyway. Hes there. Hes laughing at me. Taking photos. Talking about me. I try ignore it. I look for the other 2. Nowhere to be seen. Hes laughing again. I stand by the wall waiting for them.

Hes behind me. I turn and hes staring at me. Please leave me alone. Please go away. I dont know what i did. Im scared. The fear i feel is similar, not the same, but similar to what i feel travelling near Uni. I dont know why. I will probably never know why. But im scared.

And all of a sudden i feel that overwhelming urge. But i cant stop myself. I run to that familiar bridge and i just cant stop. I cant find the other two. There gone. And im back at that bridge.

And i wake up with a horrid feeling of dread. A familiar feeling of the end. All tied together with that terrible urge.

And im scared.

[buriedclown]

I lie in bed thinking of sleep when a familiar face walks into the room. Concerned. Which is a surprising amount of emotion for them.

Its 5p00k5. And they tell me what they were doing earlier. I go to argue with them but she stops me and shares something with me. Im immediately trapped. Nothing to say. Nothing to feel over than fear. Worry.

It could be a coincidence. Right?

Qu1t3 143 c01nc1d3nc3. D0n1 y0u 14ink?

Please stop. I feel ill.

Sick to my stomach. Memories play back in my mind. Smile sits, arms crossed with an unsure look. None of us know what to think. None of us know what to do.

Im afraid. But all i can do is try and trust everyone.

Please be a coincidence. I cant take much more of this.

[buriedclown]

Sat on the floor for the past 2 hours. Thinking. Waiting. I think about my options. Think about asking the uni if my course can be done remotely.

Spoiler alert. It cant.

A second moon in the sky becomes reality and im taken aback. The timing dosnt seem right. Seems almost deliberate. The angel following continues to stare in silence. It follows me everywhere. Has been for the past couple of weeks. I cant tell if its reality or not. Wings wrap around its body and face only showing its jaw. Expressionless. Feathers crowding around it when it stands still too long and a trail following it when it walks with me.

Even so. I carry on with my day. The occasional spider in the corners of my eyes. The second moon that appears to blink and watch my every move. The angel who acompanies me with every waking moment.

And sometimes. Sometimes ill hear the sound of a korok notification tone. Electric guitar playing a tune. A familiar one. But its not there. Its my brain tricking me into thinking they came back. But they havnt. Life really kicking me when im down.

Im just full of false hope. And yet i hang the rosary around my neck, regret not keeping there jacket and force myself to move because while i may be stuck here. In this place which is my prison im meant to call home. If i dont get up with a smile on me.

Well i guess we all know whats going to happen. We all know the disgusting truth behind this place and were all painfully aware.

[buriedclown]

I do my little drawings. I play my games. I do everything i can to distract myself. But none of it matters.

Ivarious sits next to me every second he can. Holding my hand. And yet says nothing. Nobody says anything. Not even the arrogant god beside me has anything. Everythings wrong. My memories merged and confused. Hurting.

I just want someone to say something. Anyone. Please. Just stop looking at me like that. And say something. Please.

Qasle tries to keep a smile as always but even he cant do that right now. Technically im his fiance. Me and loki just stare at eachother. Unsure. Scared. None of us know what to do. I miss Maunder. I miss everyone. I miss HOME.

And yet i dont.

I have no time to grieve. No time to accept whats coming. I just have to hold my head high and keep moving. I have to support those two. I have to get ready for uni. I have to host. Dont get me wrong i want to be host still. Its just. hard right now.

I dont get to grieve.

Im trying to be normal about it all but i cant. Ifor holding me from behind on the floor sends me spiralling. Seesels voice confusing me expecting to hear hers after it. My ribs constantly aching if i move too much. My head constantly bleeding. The once scar on my hand now open outside. Forever.

I know this is upsetting to the others too. Im misremembering things, not remembering. Its upsetting that i cant do anything to stop that upset i know its causing. Theres nothing i can do.

And im sorry. Im sorry for everything that might happen. Im sorry i cant fix this. Im sorry i cant. Just be your luna again. Im sorry. I wish i could take all of your hurt and just. Get rid of it.

But how can i do that when i cant even deal with my own.

This body is dead. And yet i can still feel it dying. I cant fix my ribs. I cant fix my hand. I cant fix my head. I cant fix any of it.

Im sorry.