buriedclown

[buriedclown]

Everyone tells me not to feel embarrassed but i cant help it. And this being how everyone finds out just feels. It feels right but also feels wrong. I didnt want abyone to find out because it makes me feel embarrassed.

Stress incontinence due to my medication. And the fact that it happened in front of. Everyone. I wish i couldve told them before they found out on accident.

But theres nothing i can do bout it now. Apart from feel shit and try stop feeling like this cuz it happened not just infront of Ivarious. But Ifor. Judas. Blue and the gods know who else. I know two of those dont really care since they probably just put it down to blackout drunk and been there done that. Feels harder explaining it to ifor.

Sigh. Guts places cookies on the table along side cupcakes and a pie of some sort. Blue places his arm round me and pulls me in. I let him. I need someone to hold me right now. Ill just sit in silence and ignore his out of place "its fine" for now. I keep telling infinity to take them back but he wont right now for some reason. Ill make sure he does. Even if there only empties and are familiar with me n stuff i dont want them missing home or anything else.

I dont know how to stop feeling embarrassed.

[buriedclown]

Gods i feel embarrassed and idk if i fucking should be. Like.

[buriedclown]

Over the past few days ive been making it a thing to try go sleep after the other two.

Since the other night i cant sleep properly. I have to get someone to put me to sleep. And even then someone has to sleep with me at all times. I can only just be in a bed with someone.

Qasle and Ivarious take turns guarding my bedroom door as a request from me. Infinity puts me to sleep and makes sure i have decent dreams. My house is on complete lockdown at night and only people verified by infinity can be let in.

I refused to sleep at first but its catching up to me. Im so tired. Being put to sleep this often isnt good for you and its catching up. I didnt know before. But it makes sense it dosnt actually count as a proper sleep it just makes sure the body is somewhat rested.

Curse has been missing for weeks. IT has been sent to that version of Ivarious.

Im like a wild animal after this kind of nightmare. I revert back. Animalistic. I snarl at any words. Bite at any movement. Nearly took ifor out with my pole the other day. Insisting they tell me there song. Watching judas get in the car. Examining his every move. Making sure both of them are in my line of sight.

Any sudden movements and i snap. Any loud noises i snap. I feel like an animal. But i dont care. This is just how i survive.

Reactive dog. Broken down to basics. I will bite. Thats your only warning.

Just to add insult to injury to everything. Me having to message everyone first on christmas. And blair messaging ifor but not me? Do i really matter that little to people?

What did I do to you. If they wont bother neither will i. Why should i.

[buriedclown]

What the actual fuck.

[buriedclown]

I cant explain how i feel when i see family still friends with my ex. On facebook of all places. I dont know how to tell them. How to tell Rachel. Its not something i can just. Come out with.

Like oh yeah. That guy you just congratulated for his engagement? Yeah hes an abuser and a rapist. Yeah that guy? Yeah hes dating that girl because she reminds him of ME.

I only know that because of Blair. When we got back in contact they told me i was right. Said they shouldve listened to my warnings. Said that he hurt them like he hurt me. Said he went after his now victim. Because she reminded him of me.

Because. She. Reminds. Him. Of ME.

I feel sick. Sick to my fucking stomach. And i feel partially responsible. Like i shouldve done more. Gone to the police. Anything.

And i get rhat sick idea in my head that i couldve kept other people safe. I couldve kept my friends safe. If i just. If i. No. Anyone whos been in that position knows exactly what i was thinking. Im not gonna write it down. Makes me ill. Just the thought of it.

I can only hope that she gets away. Pray to Maunder to help free her. To do anything to help her.

Ill tell Rachel. one day. I just dont know how right now.

[buriedclown]

I try and stand by that no one is there source. You are your own person. But then he came and that all went out the window.

I thought this is it. Hes gonna take me back. Its all over. And i spiralled. Silently. I thought that if i ignored it that itd go away. The moment i accepted it that itd be real. But i had to. Just to save myself.

Explaining where he is and whats happened while convincing myself that he cant take me home. I know he could see right through me. Im still not sure on this entire situation. What if hes just fucking with me. Playing along until he gets bored. And what if hes not. Then im an asshole.

Im trying. Im really trying. And it feels like everyone sees me as a dickhead for being this way. I get it. But do you see why? One of the only people from my source who is truly a threat. The only man who can change canon. He could decide my own death at a single thought. He could empower the people who work against me. He could put me right back into that hell.

Some people might call me stupid. But i am more afraid of that man than i am habit.

And that wont change for a long time. I can tell you all the memories i want. But youll never live through what i did. And that makes me happy more than anything that you dont and cant go through that.

But please understand. Im fucking terrified. And theres nothing i can do about it.

[buriedclown]

I dont think its foolish at all. I think its rather comforting actually. I know its silly to say in a system full of introjects and also knowing a system similar but. Theres something more comforting knowing that you understand. You specifically.

I always get nervous asking about something or mentioning a memory thats actually wrong cuz im worried im just embarrassing myself. Or that im burdening you guys with my homesickness when you already have so much to worry about.

But theres something more relaxing about knowing you understand because you go through summit similar. I wish you didnt have to but. Its nice.

Itd be nice. When i come up. If we can just sit down and talk about home. If you want to. Tell me about your home. Talk about old memories. You dont gotta if you dont wanna but id like to hear about it. About your home. If you want.

[buriedclown]

And i finally fall, overcome by everything.

I was fine, i went to go make a cup of tea and by the time i got back upstairs. I collapsed under the pressure of it all.

Moon man playing in the distance as my headphones fall off as i hit the floor.

Fuck

I dont even know what to say

I just want to go home.

1 week. Can i make it 1 week. I fucking hope so.

[buriedclown]

On my walk i get to see my wife which is a rarity here. I say hello, tell her shes pretty, talk about my day. And things are okay.

But then i look opposite her and see you. Your always somewhere watching me. But you dont talk like you used to. You just watch.

And im reminded of the things you put me through. The different timelines and worlds. And then i think about this world. And at times im happy when im with those two but every other time i just want to go home.

And it scares me. At any second im afraid time will freeze and youll come walking in. Time will freeze and all ill hear is your stupid ass voice telling me its time to go home.

And while id be happy to go home to see my people again. I couldnt live without those two. No matter which world im in. No matter which timeline. Ill always be missing someone.

And if you have put me here. If this is your doing. I fucking hate you. I hate you with all my being because this is cruel.

But also.

If you have done this please just leave me here. Just let me be. Dont take me away from this. I can only just function without maunder. Dont take me away from these two. Please. I cant bare waking up alone in another world again. Not without those two.

[buriedclown]

And it just gets worse.

I gave myself a task. To keep myself busy at least. Me and Wilbur have an agreement.

I try and learn those twos comfort songs in the 3 weeks i have here. As my last thing for them. If he ever saw me getting close to finishing before the 29th, hed take any memory of either song. That means i won't finish until the 29th meaning i wont have a final peice finished for them. So i cant die.

I started today. I started learning how to play Plan 9 Channel 7 by The Damned. It was going well. A bit rusty and my guitar still needs fixing but itll do. I do my warm up of Since I Saw Vienna and it went fine. Thats muscle memory at this point.

I learned the intro for him. Got that down mostly easy. Its only 2 chords and a slide down. Piss easy ones too. Em and C and a B flat between. And then the first verse. Bit of a more hand wrangled one but we move. Never been a fan of F chords but i tell myself its for him and carry on. I get it down. It dosnt sound completly right but thats my guitar for you. Nothing too hard.

But then my hand locks up. My hand stuck in a claw. Absoloute agony. I nearly dropped my guitar and i have to stop playing.

I used to be able to learn and play a full song in one day. And now i cant even get past the first verse without my hand locking up. The left one too. And then the monthly realisation hits. The fact that itll only get worse. I wont be able to play guitar at all pretty soon.

One of the only things im good at. And its short lived. This body is 21 and can barely play a guitar without locking up. What the fuck am i gonna do.

[buriedclown]

I sit in my cell after my lectures and walks thinking about everything and nothing.

There was a graduate ceremony today. Luke was talking about his mum and dad going. Rory agreeing. While i stood in silence. The constant reminder that my parents wont see me graduate paired with the constant feeling that this will be the rest of my life.

I dont see anything after june 2025. Not a single thing. I cant see past uni and i can barely see past november. Im tired. I dont know what comes after. And i dont know if ill ever find out.

Im always tired. Always in pain. I dont want to do any of my work. I just want to go home. Permanently. But thats too much to ask for. Cant have my comfort food. Cant cook anything decent. The mold under my bed is making me sick im pretty sure. Idk. Im tired.

[buriedclown]

and like that. It all comes back.

Everything he did. Every death he caused. Everything.

5p00k5 in tears, shaking in the corner. Curse just stares, grin wiped from its face. HABIT stood hands on my shoulders forcing me to face him,Kirill, speachless and riddled with guilt.

GO ON IM SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY TO TALK ABOUT NOW DONT YA?

Kirill, on his knees gripping onto my shirt

im sorry im so fucking sorry lu please i know i fucked up. please luna im so fucking sorry

I have no words. Im not angry. Im just hurt. I just stare at him. That just pisses HABIT off more. Nails deep into my shoulders. Shirt now stained with blood and tears. The less i speak the angrier it gets.

I originally thought spider feet were meant to look like paws from up close. But now im closer than ever. And can only count them from the sharp pain in my right side.

One. Two. Three. four. And i wait.

NOTHING TO SAY? NOTHING AT ALL? YOU REALLY ARE PATHETIC. BETRAYED BY YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YET YOU STILL HAVE NOTHING.

I died around 37 times in one month in my first year of uni. Between the end of February and beginning of March. I was addicted to coke. I was an alcoholic. And while Kirill kept us semi functioning, he took pretending to be me one step too far. The price of "love" is expensive. And the price he was willing to pay was infinite.

But. I think one part of me understands that he just wanted to be loved. He wanted someone to understand him. But it was never love he wanted to give back and Kirill couldnt see that.

And even with all that.

No matter how many times he saw me die to my own hand, he still did everything he could to protect me from him.

So my dear Kirill. I cant be angry at you. You were used and afraid and didnt know what to do and he was aware of that and took advantage of it. Thats not your fault. And i probably wont remember any of this by the morning or i may be dead but my opinion wont change.

You sacrificed yourself to save me and now you hold the burden of remembering those moments as punishment.

I wish i had told you i loved you back then, so you didnt have to go begging for it elsewhere. I wish you had realised how loved you were by the people that mattered, but being told your unloveable casts a shadow so heavy that you forget about everything else, so i understand why.

Ive always loved you, kirill, and that wont change. I promise.

[buriedclown]

Hes around every corner. Everywhere i look. Following. Watching. I see one person who looks like him and i panic. I get home feeling lightheaded and out of breath. I cant even type this out properly. I cant focus on anything. I dont know. Fuck.

[buriedclown]

I feel sick. This is probably the worst its been. The worst its felt. I might actually end up throwing up if this carries on. But i gotta pack

[buriedclown]

I think about what i said to judas the other night.

Why did i say that. What made me say that.

And then HABIT gives me a cruel reminder why.

Reminds me of all the times my mother screamed at me to show some emotion. To be happy. To be sad. Anything. But i always gave her the same blank stare.

Then came Gareth. Hed call me a psychopath. Practically begging me to show some form of emotion at any moment. Anytime hed scream at me. Anytime i was in fights. Nothing. Just that blank stare. Even in calm moments.

Anne knew what was wrong. I knew that from the way she looked at me. The way she spoke to me. She never shouted. Never called me anything. But she never told me what was wrong.

And now i try my best to show emotion. But even after all these years of practice i still cant do it right.

I think back to that night in the kitchen with ifor. For the first time they were practically screaming and crying at me about Oscar. I didnt know what to say. Didnt know what to feel. So i just gave them that blank stare. That only upset them more.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Or why i cant feel like they can. Sure i get bursts of emotion at times. Like last night but thats it.

A breif moment of feeling normal. But thats all ill ever get.

I dont talk about it often. I dont like anyone seeing me like that. I dont think ive ever actually spoken to anyone about it.

I try cover it up as best i can with someone else constantly helping me. But even then i have times where im silent. Mostly if those two are talking. Those silent moments in the car. Just blank. Nothing.

Maybe one day ill finally get the answers i want.

And im sorry for all the times ive done that. I understand now that it wasnt fair of me. Just please understand im trying to fix myself. Somehow. For the past 15 years.

[buriedclown]

I dont want you to hide away. Either physically or mentally. I want to be by your side through everything. We both do. Even if its on the bathroom floor. A hospital bed. Anywhere. I know you dont want us to see you like that. But i cant sit by and watch you suffer alone. Id rather you here where i can make sure your hydrated. Make sure your eating something. Even if it means your body rejects it. Its still helping you. Even if it feels like its not.

Yeah its upsetting. But its more upsetting knowing your alone on that fucking floor. I know being alone makes it feel so much worse. Having to do it all yourself. I want to help. We want to help you. Even if you see it as pointless. Well do everything wr can to help you till the very end.

So please. Please let us help you. I cant do abything but ask. And beg. That you let us help you. Please.

[buriedclown]

He sits next to me. Sad little clown. Shaking. I seat us far enough to calm him but its not enough. I remind him that it cant hurt him. Weve got control over it and ifor will keep it far away.

I light up a fag for him and we talk. He tells me about the circus. His parents. The fire. I listen. Of course i already know all this. But its nice to hear him talk. He takes his gloves off for the first time, willingly. I redo the stitching for him while he talks. As gentle as i can.

He tells me about his voice before. His acts. All of it. Says he misses it. Misses being able to sound gentle. I remind him thats not his fault.

I find his hat and gently place it on his head. I take his hands and place the small Percy plush he keeps. And remind him hes safe.

Sad little clown. The fire cant hurt you anymore. I promise.