buriedclown

[buriedclown]

FUCK

[buriedclown]

My arm looks like i got mauled and now im watching big bang theory and eating 2 year old sweets im finding on the floor that might not be mine who want me? Call me limited edition the way class of 2013 makes me play with the line.

I never see anyone talking about starting and then after u get over the first wave of nausea you just cant fucking stop. Like thats it its over and you can so easily fucking ending and you just keep playing with the line and then all of a sudden your sat on your bed watching big bang theory while the slightest bit of air makes ur arm feel unbelievable but your too busy trying to wrap it up before you end up on your bathroom floor borderline passing out because you know your 2 seconds away from going back because its the only thing you can see right now.

Would you believe i was a year clean. Because i fucking wouldnt. Top ten worst relapses for me. Im so aware right now and i dont know how long thats gonna last because 10 minutes ago i was completly out of it and i can feel myself slipping back with the feel of blood dripping down my arm but nothings fucking there. Im gonna try go to bed while im aware. And if it fucking fails then ill probably be active in the early morning. Hopefully. Ill put my phone on loud.

[buriedclown]

Were always making jokes and laughing at the stupid shit that happens inside but sometimes little moments happen and it reminds me of just everything. Idk how to word it.

Kyrell came in and started making a sandwich but he was shaking. The entire time he was shaking. And he looked fine but after looking closer he wasnt. His eyes told me everything i needed to know. So i asked him.

"Whats wrong?" "Dont yall worry bout it, yall got your own issues to worry bout" "but im gonna worry about u so talk to me" ".....I just didnt realise how close Mothers day is :•[" "aw man im sorry i getchu :((" "...I wish yall didnt understand but its nice that you do"

And we talked for a bit more. Holding onto eachother fully understanding that our struggles are the same right now. With a few differences. And it was nice. He knows hes got me to talk to and vice versa.

Its little moments like that, that remind me why were here and why ill never want final fusion or anything like that.

[buriedclown]

Its fine.

Shell calm down eventually. Its fine. Lets give luna hours upon hours of time its fine shes calm down. Right?

Yeah ill be back to normal fun the fucking joke luna soon dont worry. Ill calm down eventually and ill be luna who dosnt know whats going on half the time cuz thats the luna everyone fucking wants.

No one wants sad luna, manic luna, angry, upset luna. No one wants to hear about it so shut the fuck up go back to being fun luna. The luna who makes a joke about anything because if she dosnt shell fucking die but she wont say that because no one wants to fucking know. Right?

Dont worry ill put all my shit aside and help everyone else i hope youll do the same. But thats all part of the fucking joke on me isnt it. One big fucking joke. Im laughing dont worry. Maybe not with you because your laughing at me. Because im the fucking joke.

But its fine. I wont do this again. Ill get "better". Ill hide this all away again because ive learned my mistake. Ive learned to keep all of this inside. Dont you worry. Fun happy luna all the time because the charity case isnt something anyone wants to fucking see.

So shut the fuck up and start making jokes. Its the only thing ive fucking got.

[buriedclown]

Sitting alone in this room constantly wanting to message, wondering if ive done something wrong. I feel like a burden but completely useless at the same time.

Im trying so fucking hard to keep talking, doing my work no matter how hard it gets but it all comes tumbling back down on me when we havnt sat in call for days. Everytime i call, they just sound tired of me. I barely get messages unless i message first and even then its a gamble.

I try to ask whats going on, i try ask so i can help and yet no reply. Or just short one word responses.

What did i do. Everyone says i havnt done anything but i just cant believe it. I cant believe that when no one talks to me. No one tells me what the fuck is going on unless i message someone else to ask.

I disappear for 9 hours and i come back to not a single fucking message. Just Gray being annoyed at everyone. And i know that sometimes people just dont wanna talk and i know im fucking exhausting right now but for fucks sake i dont know what to do. I dont know what anyone wants from me. Im trying im fucking trying i promise.

You cant expect me to talk if you wont. Its a two way street and im getting fed up of having to drag everyone alongside me down it.

But maybe im just over reacting i dont fucking know. Probably am honestly. I dont know. I just wanna go home but its starting to feel like i dont have one anymore.

[buriedclown]

Dont think about what your doing. Its a game. A funny joke. A little laugh. A game. Just shut up and let me take the mouse. I'll handle it.

The babies are crying? Ignore it. Social will take care of it. There hungry? Leave it. They need attention? Drop it. Let social will take care of it. Theres no other way.

And yet when its all on the egde i have to pause the game and take a moment. Crying child wondering why there parents wont listen to them. Wont come to them.

But its just a fucking game. How pathetic do i need to be. Come on.

It's a game. Deal with it before I fucking do.

Yeh.

[buriedclown]

Empty dark streets in the dead of night yet im covered in lights.

Feet leaving the bridge as i fall into the cold river below, yet im still walking.

Razor to my skin as i cry out for someone to save me, yet im still sat at my desk.

Eating one meal a day because i never feel hungry and the thought makes me sick, yet stood in my kitchen making sausage rolls for my food today.

The stars on my keys screaming home, yet no matter how far i go ill never fully be there.

Not calling again because im afraid ill breakdown and lose it, yet people still want to talk to me.

Feeling isolated and scared of dying alone, yet a man and his beloved clown put there arms around me and tell me ill be safe and okay while making terrible jokes about the sims.

My eyes getting darker as days go on, yet someone still calls them beautiful.

Knowing if i die ill be back home, yet i cant help of think the home i lose if i do.

My body failing, yet i still find the energy to talk to the people i love because if i dont...

ill die.

[buriedclown]

I made the mistake of checking things. And i made a horrific realisation, getting a second look at her.

She looks so much like me.

Pinkish purple hair which i had when i left him. Snake bites. Short hair. Round face.

Makes me sick. Makes me feel so fucking sick. Is that what you want? Want me to know that i will never truely be rid of you? Want me to know that because of me. Because of me leaving you. Every person you have gone after has either been close to me once or has reminded you of me?

You sick fucking bastard. On my last day in this fucking city i will expose you. I may not be able to get to your family but ill make sure all your friends know. Ill make sure everyone who connects us in any way, shape or form will know what you did. I might never get revenge or justice but im not about to let you ruin my entire life.

Im so fucking tired.

[buriedclown]

Its a common thing that i cry everytime we go to rachels but this time was different. While i sat , friday night, wondering if hes okay. On the way home wondering if ill be forgotten again. Realising that if karen goes. Colin wont be long after. Realising theres not much i can say to make jude feel better. I get it. I get it so fucking much.

I wish i did take him to court but i knew no one would be there to testify. My closest friend at the time didnt believe me. None of my family knew and i knew all of his family would go against me. And they have the money too. So i just didnt. And let it rot. Every march. Every june. Every december. I let it rot. Im not safe in northampton. Never was. Never will be. I had to change all my passwords on my accounts because he kept trying to get into them. I had to move from the university dorms because he knew where i lived down to the number of my room. I have to check where im walking because im pretty sure hes tried following me before. Even followed me and ifor one time.

And while im away from him here. Its always in the back of my mind that he knows where rachel lives.

And while im away from him here. Im not away from gareth. Everytime we go to the shops. Blackwood. Pontypool. Anywhere. Im on the look out. He knows where michelle lives. And im fucking terrified. But i cant let him get to me like that. I dont want to live in fear. Not anymore.

So i get it. I know you know i do but. I felt like i should tell you. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. And i know hes taken a lot of people from you but please believe me when i say that your safe now. I know it dosnt feel like it but you are and eventually it will feel like it too. Its over now. Live your life. Because thats the worst thing you could do to him. Is to keep living your life.

Weve gotta grow old and be fucking mental like jeanette remember. Cuz we gotta live outta spite against the bastards who want us to die.

[buriedclown]

Everyone tells me not to feel embarrassed but i cant help it. And this being how everyone finds out just feels. It feels right but also feels wrong. I didnt want abyone to find out because it makes me feel embarrassed.

Stress incontinence due to my medication. And the fact that it happened in front of. Everyone. I wish i couldve told them before they found out on accident.

But theres nothing i can do bout it now. Apart from feel shit and try stop feeling like this cuz it happened not just infront of Ivarious. But Ifor. Judas. Blue and the gods know who else. I know two of those dont really care since they probably just put it down to blackout drunk and been there done that. Feels harder explaining it to ifor.

Sigh. Guts places cookies on the table along side cupcakes and a pie of some sort. Blue places his arm round me and pulls me in. I let him. I need someone to hold me right now. Ill just sit in silence and ignore his out of place "its fine" for now. I keep telling infinity to take them back but he wont right now for some reason. Ill make sure he does. Even if there only empties and are familiar with me n stuff i dont want them missing home or anything else.

I dont know how to stop feeling embarrassed.

[buriedclown]

Gods i feel embarrassed and idk if i fucking should be. Like.

[buriedclown]

Over the past few days ive been making it a thing to try go sleep after the other two.

Since the other night i cant sleep properly. I have to get someone to put me to sleep. And even then someone has to sleep with me at all times. I can only just be in a bed with someone.

Qasle and Ivarious take turns guarding my bedroom door as a request from me. Infinity puts me to sleep and makes sure i have decent dreams. My house is on complete lockdown at night and only people verified by infinity can be let in.

I refused to sleep at first but its catching up to me. Im so tired. Being put to sleep this often isnt good for you and its catching up. I didnt know before. But it makes sense it dosnt actually count as a proper sleep it just makes sure the body is somewhat rested.

Curse has been missing for weeks. IT has been sent to that version of Ivarious.

Im like a wild animal after this kind of nightmare. I revert back. Animalistic. I snarl at any words. Bite at any movement. Nearly took ifor out with my pole the other day. Insisting they tell me there song. Watching judas get in the car. Examining his every move. Making sure both of them are in my line of sight.

Any sudden movements and i snap. Any loud noises i snap. I feel like an animal. But i dont care. This is just how i survive.

Reactive dog. Broken down to basics. I will bite. Thats your only warning.

Just to add insult to injury to everything. Me having to message everyone first on christmas. And blair messaging ifor but not me? Do i really matter that little to people?

What did I do to you. If they wont bother neither will i. Why should i.

[buriedclown]

What the actual fuck.

[buriedclown]

I cant explain how i feel when i see family still friends with my ex. On facebook of all places. I dont know how to tell them. How to tell Rachel. Its not something i can just. Come out with.

Like oh yeah. That guy you just congratulated for his engagement? Yeah hes an abuser and a rapist. Yeah that guy? Yeah hes dating that girl because she reminds him of ME.

I only know that because of Blair. When we got back in contact they told me i was right. Said they shouldve listened to my warnings. Said that he hurt them like he hurt me. Said he went after his now victim. Because she reminded him of me.

Because. She. Reminds. Him. Of ME.

I feel sick. Sick to my fucking stomach. And i feel partially responsible. Like i shouldve done more. Gone to the police. Anything.

And i get rhat sick idea in my head that i couldve kept other people safe. I couldve kept my friends safe. If i just. If i. No. Anyone whos been in that position knows exactly what i was thinking. Im not gonna write it down. Makes me ill. Just the thought of it.

I can only hope that she gets away. Pray to Maunder to help free her. To do anything to help her.

Ill tell Rachel. one day. I just dont know how right now.

[buriedclown]

I try and stand by that no one is there source. You are your own person. But then he came and that all went out the window.

I thought this is it. Hes gonna take me back. Its all over. And i spiralled. Silently. I thought that if i ignored it that itd go away. The moment i accepted it that itd be real. But i had to. Just to save myself.

Explaining where he is and whats happened while convincing myself that he cant take me home. I know he could see right through me. Im still not sure on this entire situation. What if hes just fucking with me. Playing along until he gets bored. And what if hes not. Then im an asshole.

Im trying. Im really trying. And it feels like everyone sees me as a dickhead for being this way. I get it. But do you see why? One of the only people from my source who is truly a threat. The only man who can change canon. He could decide my own death at a single thought. He could empower the people who work against me. He could put me right back into that hell.

Some people might call me stupid. But i am more afraid of that man than i am habit.

And that wont change for a long time. I can tell you all the memories i want. But youll never live through what i did. And that makes me happy more than anything that you dont and cant go through that.

But please understand. Im fucking terrified. And theres nothing i can do about it.

[buriedclown]

I dont think its foolish at all. I think its rather comforting actually. I know its silly to say in a system full of introjects and also knowing a system similar but. Theres something more comforting knowing that you understand. You specifically.

I always get nervous asking about something or mentioning a memory thats actually wrong cuz im worried im just embarrassing myself. Or that im burdening you guys with my homesickness when you already have so much to worry about.

But theres something more relaxing about knowing you understand because you go through summit similar. I wish you didnt have to but. Its nice.

Itd be nice. When i come up. If we can just sit down and talk about home. If you want to. Tell me about your home. Talk about old memories. You dont gotta if you dont wanna but id like to hear about it. About your home. If you want.

[buriedclown]

And i finally fall, overcome by everything.

I was fine, i went to go make a cup of tea and by the time i got back upstairs. I collapsed under the pressure of it all.

Moon man playing in the distance as my headphones fall off as i hit the floor.

Fuck

I dont even know what to say

I just want to go home.

1 week. Can i make it 1 week. I fucking hope so.