buriedclown - Tumblr blog

[buriedclown]

Im just paranoid. Thats all. Im just paranoid. Nothing more. Its fine. Were all fine. Hes fine. Theyre fine. Ill be fine. Well all be fine. Im just paranoid.

I keep trying to tell myself ill be okay and that everything will turn out fine but i dont know how much longer i can keep saying that. I dont know how much longer i can sit riddled with paranoia and horrific thoughts on what i do and dont know. I dont know how many more nights i can lie awake worrying about everything. I know im going into an episode. I know its good that im aware of that but still. Its feels worse knowing i cant stop myself from feeling this way.

Why cant i just think like a normal person. Why cant i deal with situations like a normal person. Im worrying over something out of my control. Im worrying over something thats probably not happening. Worrying over something that dosnt exist. Why cant i just feel normally. Why cant i just react normally.

Someone please just put me out of my misery. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to be like this anymore. I dont want to be constantly fighting with myself. I feel like im going to explode. I dont want to lose control of myself again like last time. I cant do that. Not again. I dont want to do anything like that again but i guess old habits die hard.

OR maybe. MAYBE.

im just paranoid.

[buriedclown]

Jealously

A terrible thing that constantly runs through my vains and into my mind. Eating away at me every second of the day. I can never escape it. And yet i feel so guilty about it. So horrificly guilty. But along side that guilt is anger. I could lie here a list a number a emotions that lie alongside it but i wont.

I stay silent. Everytime. I watch my show and i stay silent. I see people around me. And i stay silent. I see my friends around me. And i stay silent. However it does not. The pure joy i feel when someone i care about has a happy moment with a parent is nothing i can describe and yet the jealously and anger eats away. But i know thats not there fault its mine. But i must ask.

WHY cant i have that. WHY. I plead to god. To the gods. And yet no response. I ask again and again why must i have to continue having those aches. WHY is it that i was born and rejected by my own mother the moment i came to be. What cruel god gives me this life. And why even after all these years. WHY is it still the same. I am kind to them to try mend the bond. And yet they dont care. After all these years they blame me. And no im not being overly emotional or delusional they told me that themselves.

I try, and i try. Even while she stands over me now with that same disappointing glare repeating those same words. "You know what you did". Even while i always end up back in that bathroom, I'm stuck watching the door opening. I still try. Again and again. Over and over. I try. I try so fucking hard. And yet its always for nothing.

And while i am rid of him i will never forget opening up to that one person. And him telling me things about his family. About how his mother and father are just as horrible. As a way for us to bond. Just to find out.

Its lies. Ive had someone tell me that they wish they had a similar life to me so they could be more productive and that is still on the top list of shit that i will never forgive.

And look i dont have a huge list of things that piss me off to the point where i dont want to know you but ecen though the people i wish i could say this to wont see it. Im still gonna say it here

Dont say you wish you had shit parents or a life like mine because no you fucking dont. You have no fucking idea what my parents did to me because even i dont onow half the shit.

Dont pretend and lie to me about your parents saying they didnt love you and beat you to near fucking death every day just to relate to me.

You dont fucking want that. You could name it and its probably fucking happened to me. And let me tell you now. You dont fucking want that. So shut the fuck up and appreciate what you have now and yeah parents can be shitty im not saying you have to have it at the level i did for it to count. But dont make it aound worse than it actually was "to fit in". Thats not something to be proud of. You fucking disgust me if you do that.

So grow the fuck up because if there is an all loving god. It clearly dosnt claim you to be one of its beloved creations. And no fucking deity ever would. You disgust me. Get a fucking life.

[buriedclown]

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling. 30mg of mirtazipine in my system yet its the second night in a row its not working. Whats wrong with me. I dont know. Somethings wrong but i cant put my finger on it. You're right something is wrong. But what. Mind wandering. Full of thoughts but nothing to say as per. So i open tumblr and just spit out random shit.

Yesterday i put it down to fear of meeting my father again. Tonight? I dont know. He had the same reason as always. Always the same reason.

"Im ill". The same words hed tell me for weeks at a time when i was younger. What a coincidence. Always happens after a weekend that i can barely remember. I try peer through the fog only to be pulled back and scolded. "Dont think so hard about it. You wont remember and youll only worry yourself". Octavia says not in sight. Always the same. I understand why i only know the bare minimum but i hate it. And i get people get ill but. Theres something so strange about it. About the timing. But ill never know the truth. I can only guess as Rain continues to cry in my peripherals. I dont talk about her much but shes always here when it comes to my dad. That says a lot. A 7 year old with the mind of...well i dont know. She barely says a word. Just stands. And cries. I have to ignore it and pretend everythings fine because if i dont ill except the reality that its not fine and ill start to question myself.

Why am I trying to form a connection with him? I dont know. Maybe your last attempt to form some bond with your parents. Although i suggest giving up and saving yourself. Maybe. Maybe not. Why would a 7 year old say that. Dont answer that. Please. I won't. Thank you.

Maybe i should stop. They both already proved that i should. My mother blames me for everything and my father dosnt believe my mental illness and "dosnt understand where it couldve came from" in his words. Said my mum used to be like that and would hallucinate and have episodes but always thought she was faking. Theres so much i wish i could say. I used to wish i stayed with my dad but then i learned the truth. I was doomed to fail from the start. Or as some would say.

I was simply born with tragedy in my blood.

[buriedclown]

Another year. Another day. Another beginning to a number given to my name ever changing. Aways the same. Except its not. Its there clawing at me but I dont think i want to do it. Not right now.

Sat in the bath with my arms burning while the two most important people in my life, early onset dementia having ass, plan things downstairs to try make this day enjoyable for me. A clown in my dms telling me ill always be part of his family and this day dosnt have to be anything but an ordinary day. Surrounded by people who actually care about me. People who would kill for me. I wouldnt change a thing.

Its an honour to be your partner.

And

Its an honour to be your creature ass sibling.

And i wouldnt change a thing. Right now im content with everything. Free from worry about my parents or my family. Just surrounded by people who love me for me. And i love them for them. Id kill for them.

These are my people.

And whether i died tomorrow, today or far in the future. I wouldnt ask to have anyone but them at my side.

[buriedclown]

Sat on my bathroom floor shaking thinking why has this hit me so hard. The constant feeling of im going to throw up and then nothing is haunting me but i just cant move out of fear that ill throw up.

Instead i stay here begging ifor to come home because i just cant move. Im shaking from being cold and whatever else there is but i cant move so im sat here freezing shaking and crying why am i crying. What is wrong with me. I dont understand. I cant remember the last time i took my meds so i cant tell if im coming down of that or what. Like i had one of the best nights ever and now here i am on the floor in tears shaking.

[buriedclown]

Sitting there smiling at me covered in blood. I cant tell if i have no words or if im simply too scared to say anything.

I cant tell if anyones angry at me or if they blame me. I know i am. I blame me. Its talk with Ifor repeating in my head while i try to figure out its motive. How close to source it is.

Ivarious is missing. It says the others learned there lesson. Says not to crowd around it. It hates crowds. I note that down. Tells ifor not to piss it off slightly threatening them and goes back to asking if they have anymore reeses on them.

Me and ifor keep asking how long its been here but the answers it gives are almost like riddles. "COULD BE A SHORT TIME. COULD BE A LONG TIME. IF I KILLED YOU NOW. ITD BE A LONG TIME." it says it wont do anything if we dont piss it off. Claims it just wants a snack and to have a good time. Im afraid to ask what a good time is to it. Kirill wont talk to me. He wont come downstairs. I can hear ifor accessing the safe. Locking everything away until we know more. There angry at me. I can tell but i know no one will say anything.

[buriedclown]

To the sun

I always find i have something to say to you. Whether its something meaningful or something i simply needed to say for comedic sake i always seem to want to talk to you. Always wanting to say anything to you. Always somewhere in my thoughts. Always have been and always will be. While i sit in this place i call home hours away to when im buried beneath you as the worms pick away at my flesh. Youll always be in my thoughts some way or another.

The worry you felt when i told you i found your tumblr was okay. Because no matter what i read i wouldnt ever think any different of you. No matter what you say to me. Ill always think of you as my family. If the words i read are unpleasant and you wish to forget them then so be it. Any word you speak, write or sign, at one command i would happily forget or let it live somewhere in my mind until you are ready and if that day never came so be it.

Youll never be alone again. I made a promise. Ill never go anywhere for as long as i am free from my grave. You may feel alone and lost at times but ill always be here. When you feel the shadows covering your mind in doubt. When you feel scared, lost alone. When everything gets loud. Ill find my way through them to find you. Id dig you back up from the depths so we could lie together as the dirt swallows us whole hand in hand. Rotting together till the end of time. I will be there. And ill always be there.

Whether our conversations are gathering dust in the corners of the room, our notes lost to time and the calls lost in our memory. Ill always remember. Ill always be there to dig you up. To take your hand and guide you through the shadows of your own mind. Ill always be there. The sun who helps me shine. The dead man to my grave. And dare i say. The chuckle to my sandwich. No matter what happens. Ive got my shovel ready at the word and my hand out to hold.

[buriedclown]

Sleep is no longer something im familiar. Its like an old friend. Im happy to see it and yet when i do its filled with nothing but sorrow.

I take my meds and go to bed hoping i wake to the sound of my alarm. Instead its her standing over me. Staring at me with those accusing eyes. Sometimes silent. Sometimes screaming. Though i can never make out what she says to me i still run to the door in fear of what youll do.

At the big age of 20. Turning 21 soon and yet you still have me running like a scared child. Always running towards nothing but the door in hopes youll finally let me go. Maybe one day i hope to run into your arms for the saftey a child is meant to feel. I know thats not right. Its too late for that.

Sleep is no longer the comforting friend i used to love. Its a cold distant memory. One that i will keep trying to salvage. Using the heat from my own body to try save you. Using what energy i have left to bring back what i miss so much.

Maybe one day. Ill be able to sleep again.