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I needed this today. Here you go. With love.

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Living with a disability, especially a progressive or dynamic one is so fucking stressful. I don't know whether I'll be able to do things I can do now in a couple of years or even a couple of months. Maybe today I'm up and dancing but tomorrow I can barely leave my bed. I'm already grieving the things I know I won't be able to do in the future and it's so, so so so hard. The worst part is that there's nothing you can do but try to enjoy life right now and hope you can keep doing what you love

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this obviously doesn't apply to every disabled person but one of the things you don't really hear about for being disabled or chronically ill is the boredom. being stuck in bed and like. not having the ability to do anything meaningfully intensive with your hands, not being able to sit up, not having the concentration to read or watch things (from pain or brain fog or something else) and just kinda. lingering around online and hoping for something to happen or someone to talk to even if you have nothing good to say bc nothing has been going on for like the last day, week, month anyway

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me when the disability disables me: oh what the fuck? this sucks. what the hell man!

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Lately it feels like I'm plodding on in spite of myself

Mental illness really puts a different cast on chronic illness. I have taken two medications that caused my suicidal ideations to turn up past ten. The first one was Vimpat, probably about ten years ago (I was taking it for my epilepsy). THIS one I am still trying to titrate down from (Lyrica) and it is ROUGH. I was taking it for my endo pain. They are both schedule V. That's my problem, as far as I know?? I can't take schedule V because once it levels, my brain just self implodes.

EDIT: I wrote this yesterday and got distracted, eventually saved it as a draft. This might happen a lot, as I'm fairly certain I have ADHD. My dad was diagnosed with it (he is deceased), my brother is also diagnosed. I have spoken with my docs about it, but there are comorbidities with symptoms in ADHD, epilepsy, depression, and anxiety, so it is hard to diagnose, and hard to treat medically (with stimulants). Apparently epilepsy meds slow the brain down (in a very basic sense) and stimulants are the main way to treat ADHD medicinally. It would simply oppose my epilepsy meds.

I don't remember really struggling as a kid? I was the "model student" back then, but damn, I'm noticing it so much as an adult.

This entry is a testament to my need for a place to direct my random other train tracks. My thoughts get all bunched up in here and I get frozen. Nothing gets done. I even get frozen about writing!

Therefore,

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Being neurodivergent and chronically ill is crazy because you already have issues with executive functions and then your body hinders you even more. AND your sensory issues are heightened by the pain you feel.

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I'm not sure how to write anymore

But when I feel the urge, the need, to type, to put ink to paper, it's like i'm constantly writing a journal entry in my head. I hear ticker tape printing, slowly taking up the empty spaces in my brain. The processing area, my memory, the hallways in which i move around up here is filled with long streams of (consciousness?) paper. Any time not spent distracting myself with other means, my inner monologue picks right back up, either continuing a previous entry or starting new.

I've always considered myself a writer for some reason. But I've always had a block?? it's painful to write because it touches all of you, if you let it. There are things I haven't opened in a long time that I'm going to have to allow some air.

I usually end up throwing away what I put out, so I'm also going to resist that urge.

This is my attempt at actually keeping a written (journal? word vomit blog? morning pages?) daily SOMETHING to help me clear my head. I used to keep a Xanga back in the day, lol, and I loved writing in it knowing it could reach people.

DISCLAIMER: I wish to remain anonymous on this account. However, I'm posting things that will be extremely personal to me, so if you know who I am, you may contact me personally, no worries, but please do not share with others. Thanks!