bruisedpeach13

[bruisedpeach13]

You know how drinking water is not as satisfying when you’re not thirsty? Depression makes every event feel like that, no matter how great the event is.

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anxiety: you fucked up

me: what? what did i fuck up???

anxiety: you fucked up

me: what though????

anxiety: you fu

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I’m so tired of always fucking up

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I want to get into an accident.

Death not caused by my own hands.

And while the few people in my life would be sad, at least they wouldnt be angry at me for doing it myself.

Now is the time I wish I had a god so I could pray for them to hit me with a truck and put me out of my misery, that god knows I cant do it myself.

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My brain feels like the old guy in the back of the bar smoking a 12 pack of bad menthols.

It's a grand old time.....

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The most frustrating thing is not being able to explain what the fuck is going on inside my head

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I've stopped asking people "Are you Okay?" And started asking "You good?". When someone is asked if they're "Okay" they tend to start crying and they usually feel more upset about doing so. If you ask someone "You good?" they usually have a more structured response. It invokes a more stable feeling, like you're able to think first.

[bruisedpeach13]

things abuse survivors think/say

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough

maybe what happened was just my fault??

but what if I can’t hold that person accountable? what if they meant well

what if I don’t have the right to be angry?

but what if they didn’t know they were hurting me? maybe its my fault for not saying it

it’s my fault, i’ve always been hiding how badly things hurt me

i’m just weak and pathetic and everything hurts me it’s not their fault i’m like this

hey this this thing actually happen or did i make that up

if i ask abuser they’ll tell me i made it up that must be true they do say i’m delusional

maybe if I’ve done something differently this wouldn’t have happened

guilt guilt guilt guilt

what if abuser is right tho? what if they’re telling the truth and it’s okay to tell it in insults then?

i’m garbage, i knew it

yeah everyone deserves compassion and comfort but me? no.

I am the sole person who is just bad enough to deserve everything that has happened to me

no this person didn’t mean to hurt my feelings i’m just too sensitive!!!

maybe someone else wouldn’t be hurt by this, this means its my fault

i hate myself

how long until everyone realizes i’m just a fake and there’s nothing valuable inside of me

yeah they like me now but i’m going to fuck it up and they’ll hate me like everyone else

was that abuse? no it can’t be. its my fault. if I wasn’t the way I am it wouldn’t have happened

everything people do to me is just what I deserved

what this person is doing bothers me so I have to try harder not to be bothered by it

this person is wrong but everyone believes them so it must be okay

yeah they hate me but i don’t want them to leave me maybe i can get them to hate me less

yeah this person is hurting me but i still need them in my life maybe if i change myself

it doesn’t matter if they hurt me, i’m used to it

what if everyone abandons me and I die alone

this person scares me but I can’t let that affect me

I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I need to get over my feelings

I can’t let anyone notice how I feel or they will hate me

how does everyone just stay calm? why can’t I do that

I’m a burden on everyone, I bet they’d all be happier if I wasn’t there

if I disappeared right now wouldn’t everything be better?

*these are not truths, this is after-effect of long term abuse

[bruisedpeach13]

The past month has been Really bad. With my night terrors flaring up again, my Anxiety is at a peak high, and I don't have my medication. I've dissociated everyday for the past month or so. I don't think I've genuinely smiled since halloween. I just feel empty and cold all the time, like I'm just a walking corpse. My intrusive thoughts have been really loud, some louder than others. I find myself having to tell myself "don't do that", "you can't do that", "no, you have to eat", or "what would your husband do if this happened". I don't want to feel this anymore but I don't know how to make it stop. Can I just fast forward to when I'll be mentally stable?

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So important to talk mental health and challenge stigma - conversations and showing compassion and warmth without judgment

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I love having a really bad mental day during Thanksgiving. I can't go see the people who would make it better because I'm working. I can't talk to my Husband because He's working. I can't do anythijng other than not cry because I'm working. Fuck today. Fuck working on holidays. Fuck you people who shop on holidays like this to make us work instead of being with our families.

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To anyone with an eating disorder on Thanksgiving: I know it’s scary. Stay safe. You deserve to enjoy your dinner. Treat yourself kindly after you eat. You can do this, and I love you.