brokenwrecklovelymess-blog

[brokenwrecklovelymess-blog]

Hard at work or hardly working

Tonight, I’m sitting here at work checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I've gotten a message, wondering why I care so much to hear from certain people and why it upsets me when I don’t get an immediate response back. I find myself wondering  what makes me get attached to people so quickly? Is it that i suddenly feel like someone cares, that i judge how much they care about me based on their response time and length of the message and what they have to say? Am I that starved for attention that I will wait around all day for a message and respond immediately making me seem desperate or like i have been waiting around just to hear from that one person? Like I have no life?

You see I have been single for three years after a 8.5 year long relationship, that ive now come to realize only lasted as long as it did because we were teenagers when we got together and got pregnant so we tried to stick it out for the kids and because it was comfortable and lets face it change is scary. 

So after a relationship that long you would think i couldn't wait to get back out there and start dating. Youd be very wrong, Im the type of person that has always felt alone and like i needed to be loved. So im not out there looking for men and women to sleep with but I am looking for love. Im looking for someone to take care of and be there for. I dont want to go out looking for it. I want attention and attentiveness, someone i can call mine and have them cuddle up to me every night, someone who actually wants to talk past- wyd... This seems to be an impossibility theses days. 

I heard a phrase the other day, something along the lines of, “straight love is closeted these days.” and I really felt that. People are so afraid to love or maybe its just that no one really seems to want the same things anymore. No one wants to be open about how they feel or open to feeling something for someone else. But everyone seems to be in these situationships, where you talk and act like you’re together but your really not, and you can still see and talk to 15 other people. Everyone has a hard time committing or even saying how they really feel. We all wanted to love so early that by the time we hit out 20′s we are all cynical about life and love. I really want to know if its always been like this or is it something that progressed when our means of communicating and meeting other people expanded. 

When a new person shows an interest in you and you find yourself talking to that person everyday as a girl or at least for me, I get attached. If i talked to you all day yesterday, Im going to be hella bummed if it takes you 15 hours to read my last message today.  If you call me beautiful, I will blush because its not normal for me to hear that. I will swoon. I miss any kind of attention, anything that makes me feel good or appreciated. But Im not trying to waste any more time and energy on people who arent willing to do the same. Or for people who just want something from me and arent really there for me as a person.  Example I had a guy who doesnt ever talk to me unless he has no one else to talk to, he will go months without a word then suddenly hit me up because he is bored and wants someone to hang out with. If you dont talk to me for months or know anything about me or my life other than i am attractive then that makes me a last resort friend, someone to pass the time with, the only option. Im not going to make those kinds of people a priority in my life anymore. Im over trying to force a conversation with someone, if it doesn't flow then it just doesn't.

the point of this is dont waste my time anymore, if you are unsure of what you want or it doesnt match up with what i tell you i want then dont hit me up, dont ask me wyd. Im working on growth and repeating the same situation with every boy or girl i meet isnt growth. My advice would be let things flow if they come and try not to hold on to those things you feel like you are begging for. Though I am the worst at letting go and fallings always been my downfall.