brokenmug

[brokenmug]

....

Ah... I thought I might never write here again...

But a mistake brought me talking to you again...

Yes, I would never... But it's you who texted...

After a year... A whole year...

I was starting to drink when it happened... And I did, of course...

Despite that I was congratulating you too on your second child... Something that I almost coincidentally saw... And I got myself more firm, not to ever talk to you... But still... Crazy night it has been...

[brokenmug]

🎵 Chalo jashn tum yeh mana lo, ke jee bhar ke humko sata lo... 🎵

You didn't come. That's all I have to say.

Because my mind has changed tonight.

And yes, I feel high, and content.

🎵 Zara aj ki raat bhaari hai tum pe, ke toota hai koi sitara... 🎵

Yes...

🎵 Nahi kuch pata hum ko, bs yeh pata hai YE DIN AAKHIRI HAI TUMHARA... 🎵

[brokenmug]

Several times I thought about writing here, once again, especially in the past few months, when you came up in my emotional existence for far too many times. Oftentimes, it was sudden, and unexpected, the most common being the sight of your white car. And what do I do in such a situation? Stop, or trail behind, not knowing what I would find. A part of me wants to put that picture I took, so maybe I would. Because ages pass by, yet I can't stop doing it - as now it's partly become a part of me - to move my eyes to the number plates, especially turning my head for that white model. And a few lucky times I found yours. Perhaps twice.

But what's special today, that I finally found myself back here, in my extremely beloved, digital diary, where I have kept the deepest feelings of my heart for over a decade now!? I think I know, as it's past December for one reason, which now suddenly reminds me that I've kept coming back here every November too, for last few years. Except this time. Which, again, is one proof of my sincerity towards anything, and a personal satisfaction. Yes, I kept my mind occupied, sincerely trying a way out. But the second reason, to be here, is the other half of me, which never dies, and doesn't surprise me anymore either. From same November, I had been subconsciously waiting for today, when I'll be back in that place, where hearts met and broke. This was an opportunity a good old friend led me to. And here are.

45 minutes into this, I'm finally feeling the high of dry gin... Yes, this was another plan, to have a general sense of good feeling till the next night, when we are going to get high again, this time at the main campus, where this was never expected. It's fun to even imagine that, drinking right in front of my former professors and colleagues, in the center of my university where we once studied... Haha, where have we come!

But the real question is, as anyone would have guessed and might have asked me...

Coming back after sometime... This beautiful song, my own song, is getting played on youtube stream of one of my brothers on the other side of border, Shokat, is playing... This sudden high was unexpected but truly out of this world... Raja Ko Rani Se Pyar Hogaya...

[brokenmug]

And that, correcting the order of an earlier post, asks me to put my fresh thoughts here...

This is what I'm watching right now...

Yes, still, like always, and forever...

No, I still haven't given up on you AQ...

Despite that I last texted you over 2 months ago, and you haven't texted me at all, in my three last attempts... Despite that we last met over a year ago...

I just can't... I can't...

[brokenmug]

So, finally, after almost a YEAR - I'm back here. [I was wrong, I had written probably the longest piece on my phone, which I totally forgot for nearly a year]

And you may just guess why, or better be, how.

There's just so much I could have written all those months, difficult months, but it wasn't - I might just say - electrifying enough. Yes.

Without throwing any riddles (to whom, by the way, myself, or you AQ?), let's just say ever since I wrote here last - guessing by the title date, otherwise, I honestly still don't know exactly when - I haven't been, glad enough just to have happened to come here. Yeah.

So, without even knowing what I last wrote here, I definitely would arrive at today's feelings by going along how the past year had been. It's just how it works for me.

So... I know I had tried my best, beginning September 2022, or post that month, post that "first" meeting, because I never intended to "go back" to her, to see if we can work out something this time, especially what she told me in that meeting. Ups and downs followed, some really good moments too, but with me coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't do it, and hence, it wouldn't be simply right for us to continue talking. I ended, for many reasons including just for being right. It was March 2023.

We probably talked again a month later, as I do remember somewhat, but then, for things to go down, as was expected, and half-heartedly wanted by me, for next four months, when suddenly or not, I wanted to talk again. That's just me, her, and us. That's how it has always been. For over 10 years by that time, nearly 11, I had hated her, but I had loved her more - much much more. I texted her, to learn how she had been. But it wasn't a welcome thing to happen, just an extremely brief conversation, and with sadness to get over my entire existence. How would I write anything here? What would I tell, or say, to be read later?

And here we are, five months later. Those five months... Probably have been as hard as I can say, something like it was back in the golden days of my life... Yes, the hostel days. My love had resurrected after meeting her after so many years (5 and a half) only for me to unsuccessfully try to move on, once again, beginning with that conversation in March. It never happened. I kept thinking, waiting, expecting, and trying to control the sadness by doing what not? Music? Smoking? Drinking? AQ, you were just simply back, probably stronger than ever... 😞

And that's why, and how, as I said in the beginning, I texted you again, this week, as I wanted to meet you and see how you have been... And not miss a chance to know about your life, and ultimately miss a chance of being together... Well, it was a good conversation, I totally didn't hold up as I had thought - I was high, texting you - you've always been my true high AQ. I felt like you would text, and actually ask if I would be coming to meet. You didn't though, and naturally, being upset about it, I decided I would not go and would tell you before the weekend ends. And I did. But it turned out differently, again. You know it well, you know it sooo well AQ since campus days, as I always said it too, it's probably in this blog too already, that I could never stay angry at you for long. And so, you won this time, too. You always did. It was an ecstatic moment talking to you like an hour ago.

I mean, wow, all those years, that decade; togetherness, breakups, closeness, breaking up, separation, long years apart, moving on, you marrying too, and then meeting again, days reminiscing, and apart again... And here I am, still in touch, still able to just exchange our words with each other... 😞 Then why, why, why not permanently together? So lucky after like 7 years of permanent separation, I'm still with you somehow 💔 that's more time than us actually being together those 5 years... Then why not together my AQ? Buht aayin gayin yaaden, magar is baar tumhi ana... I don't want to let you go. I just want to stay in touch. Yes, things have changed. I said, last year, that if we couldn't work up for it, then it's better to not stay in touch. Last year? I said like a few days ago, I wanted to know just for the last time what were you thinking, but no! I am here. Just stay around AQ ❤️

So, isn't that the perfect time to come back here and write?

Signing off for now, AJ.

[brokenmug]

I don't know what to write anymore. It's like, a millionth ending... And it feels just weird to be writing about this at all now.

But I guess it's one last month, and I'm really letting you go this time. Why? What's different this time? It's because you broke not my ego, not my arrogance, but my confidence and my trust that I had been keeping all those years, despite totally believing it to be the fault of both of us, that ultimately separated us forever. Yes including mine. I always thought of you. Believing you would come back. But you didn't. As I believed then, and I believe now, you lied. I don't want to blame you, I don't want to put you down, I don't want to hate you; you'd be the last person I would do that to, AQ. But that's what you've always shown me. I kept telling myself that I could have misunderstood, you could have your reasons of doing what you did, even the lie of getting married, which didn't happen for ages after that. I have often said it to myself, and I'm sure I have said it to you as well, that you have broken my ego one too many times. Yes, I let it break, whenever it came, because it was not worth keeping you away. Nothing was ever above you - sometimes not even my self-respect, something I never ever compromise on. I forgave you, AQ. Too many times. Even when you married!!!!!!!!!

For years I told myself to let go because I believed it would be WRONG for me to see you, talk to you, even think of you! You know that! Years later, I would talk only to express my condolences, my sincere feelings for your dad. That's how we started again, much to my surprise. Because I never expected that. I did not! Despite thinking about you all those years, especially the end of previous year and the following months, I made a promise that I would always, always love you and wait for you! But I broke that promise myself over what I would hear - something I told you too, and that would really hurt me for a long time. So I never expected you to continue talking to me, let alone talk about our old days!!!! Why would you do that???? And you do the worst: you make me hopeful again!!!!!! And then break that hope again!!!!!

You know I should hate you AQ! I should! And you tell me even worst things: you reveal to me how everything was a lie by saying how you and your family were looking for potential partners when we were apart!!!! Could you have not teared my heart apart instead????? Is this something to say???? And then you don't even ask me if I were thinking about you!!!! And you go on with whatever stupid decisions are taken - it's what your DAD SAID that you told me!!!!

AQ, this is where it ends. This last thing, the last thing I mentioned is where I was hurt the most, and yet tried to ignore that part, telling myself that you probably realized the grave mistake of your life by giving me hopes again... Again, and again, and again in these 6 months that we talked... But I was wrong. And I decided, I finally decided. It's been about 50 days or something we haven't talked... Because that's how I ended the conversation last time... I wouldn't lie, it was partly intended to see your response, that you would say something, at least ask something... And in some parallel universe, somehow, maybe even try to stop me... But you didn't AQ.

In these last few weeks, I have been thinking about you a lot. But these are the last. When we met last year, and started talking, and meeting, I thought my 2023 would be entirely different from my past. I was wrong. The same things are happening which happened 10 years ago. And I won't let it be so, not the rest of the year... And not because I don't love you, not because I have some new motivation or awakening inside me to realize something I didn't before. But because, you have broken my trust in you, broken my confidence in my love, broken the strength of my feelings. You have broken me one too many times AQ... One month, and I'm gonna sort everything I ever had of you... And even if I can't out of any procrastination or something, I will erase every memory that can be erased which I can. Just when 16 July ends, you'd be gone AQ.

I hardly ever cry, I almost never cry AQ. But I have cried for you a thousand times, no, a million times. That's how strong my feelings were, that's how deep we together went into that ocean, somehow where I only stayed and I didn't realize when you left. Two days ago I was doing the same, at this hour, reading older writings on this very blog. And I had to write all of this. Tonight, I was checking the stories I had shared on Instagram this year to understand what happened, how and for how long. I just wanted to see patterns. And it was no different than what it was YEARS ago! Decade ago! You come and you go, you come, and you go, and this never stops... Never. Until now. Except that one time when we separated - which was actually due to us not being physically bound to one place, our uni anymore - I never actually let go of you. It was always you who did. And it doesn't even matter if you'd deny that, because you have always denied that and I'm not lying either, so I believe in what I just said. But this time, I'm letting you go for the second, and the last time. And THAT'S how, it's different this time. I won't let you be in my life even if you came back. No, AQ. I can break all my egos, my principles, my passions for you, and I did. I even let my self-respect aside by saying that self-respect and true love go side by side, and that they cannot be apart. But that's when love is reciprocated, and believed in. You never did, so what's all the fuss? Self-respect cannot be hurt again and again, even when one person truly loves the other. I cannot let you be in my life anymore, even if you came back burning the ships behind you. A part of me tells me I should hate you AQ, but I have truly loved you and there's a part in me that I know will never stop loving you either. Even though there will always be a soft corner for you, it's useless to say that I might melt if you would plead and accept all the wrongs, because that's not happening any day. Never. I don't see that happening and I can't know what I would do then. But, you lost me AQ. You could have treated me right, and you'd always have my back and my shoulder if you were to ever come back. But no, AQ... I can't be made hopeful and be hurt like that again and again. It's been too long for that. And so is this writing. I have said everything, and have said things in the past. I doubt there's anything important I have missed. These are all my feelings, for someone I truly loved.

A few weeks, and it will be over. And I really don't seem to care right now how you move forward with your life. I should be indifferent too. I don't think I'll write again before that day comes. And don't talk to me, don't text me. I don't wish to come back writing here again and I wish this to really end.

Typing all this for 46 minutes, in my phone, even when you're not there on the other side to respond... Have you, ever?

Finally, I have always wanted you to somehow come across my blog and read it, except this time. I really don't want you to read this anymore, because I don't want you to see how I expected or expect of you in any way from now on. Also, what's love if you have to ask for it?

[brokenmug]

Bits from SoundCloud...

Months and months after meeting you, nearly 6 months... It all seems useless, for umpteenth time. Why just why all that happened? Why over a decade of feelings which I thought, and perhaps still believe, couldn't be replaced, ever?

It's been over two weeks since we last met, and that too coincidentally, and I even met that little angel and a handsome young man - much to my happy surprise! But why is that happening? I have probably never felt like moving on more than I feel tonight... I need to move these bits I occasionally wrote for you on my SoundCloud... Because it doesn't even matter there no more...

Dated 17/10/22: So much began to happen two days after I last wrote here, and so much seemed to have changed - but all for nothing. It's over, and I hope it really is. I don't wish to continue this. I kept my promise - the nature was just merciful enough to test me less than a year.

Dated 19/09/22: Do I have a monthly biological clock or something? It's 19 again and here I am - is it supposed to mean something? I'd rather start writing this much on Tumblr instead of here.

Dated 19/08/22: Suddenly after 4 months, I visited this bio again, and felt silly reading this below. I just never could give up on you, could I?

Dated 19/04/22: I guess I should have moved on with this. It appears it actually is over, while I was waiting all those years… Did I ever tell you about my Tumblr? Go, read. It has everything. Only you should find that personal space of mine ("search" that's all you have to do.)

[brokenmug]

Nature didn't let me wait 4 years to this beautiful date. It would have been 4 years to the event I had been marking as "Last Visual Bliss" for a long time in my life, and on this blog. But less than 50 days ago, from this date, the wait was over. I had that visual bliss, more than just the apple of my eye, right in front to bring a tide of ecstasy inside me. In fact, the Nature was more merciful than just that; two souls actually met. So the communication wait ended too, though after 3 and half years to that too. How cruel, I would say. But yes, that date was 13 November 2018, which would stay at the top of this blog for years. But not anymore. It would probably be 28 September from now on, as "the reunion". I don't know whom to thank, but I'm grateful. And it's definitely not all, or even most, of what I have been wanting to write here. There's more. There's a lot. But this day today, forced me to bring a new wave to, and begin a new chapter on my blog, without waiting anymore.

[brokenmug]

I thought I had let you go but guess it was never in my control anyway. Not surprising that you came in my dream just a few days back. Maybe a week. It was a little different kind of one though. You came out of a white car, which I already knew was yours, as it read AQ 24 on number plate. I stopped too, and we smiled at each other.

[brokenmug]

Revelations - again.

Exactly one month ago, I met an old classmate, after years probably. He knew about you and me in our days together, but then he knew even more. This was a brief, 20 minute meeting outside, but a very important one.

I had been putting off writing all of this, so I could contemplate, absorb, understand, and feel the way I should before I said anything, even to myself. I have never hurried in writing on this blog anyway. But I doubt if anything changed, in this one month, after that meeting. I still don't know if it was a blessing or a curse, that I saw AST as I walked out of the bank, and called him. That's where it started.

It didn't take him long to ask me if I had been committed to somebody, to which I counter asked, but we both knew where the discussion was going. He immediately began to reveal what he knew, and didn't hold back, as he had always been like. I took the advantage, and felt like it was the moment I had been wanting somehow, after years and years of confusion, waiting, moving on and coming back. He named another guy we had in our batch, his friend, who knew your in-laws, and thus somehow he knew about you and me too, and more.

I don't trust people easily or perhaps I do, but what AST said all felt like true, and accurate. So it was your family who didn't agree to our relationship? That's something I already knew somehow - I just needed a confirmation. And it was here, uninvited and to the point. It all made sense. They didn't let me in. I was silent, as he spoke. I couldn't immediately absorb what was being 'revealed' to me - which I already had an idea of. In fact I just knew. But still, it moved me to the core. That other people knew exactly why we ended instead of just you and me. You never told me that clearly - I just never learned what actually happened, yet I knew by my instincts. All these years, I thought about you and me a million times, and tried to make sense of what actually happened. I would read this blog and a document file I wrote more specific moments in, repeatedly, yet something seemed missing out. You just never clarified. In the end, I was frustrated, and I let you go. I told you to go away because it was just not happening. You know when this happened - in 2017 - of which I have nothing in writing in this blog. But it's been over 5 years. And I kept coming back to you, confused and guilty, that it was my fault to let you go at all... Except one month ago.

In the last eve of previous year, I made a promise. It's all written here. Ever since we separated, I loved you more than I loved you the day before, all those years. You just didn't realize. You didn't know how hard it was for me to tell you to just go if you were not coming. You never told me your family was a hurdle, so I blamed you. And now, I feel like I blame you more than I did in those five years. Not only you didn't tell me, you didn't convince your parents either. There's more, as AST said, they feared my viewpoints might put you in trouble. Ever bothered to just tell me? Why AQ? I could leave everything behind. You just had to ask. Your family never uttered a single word to me? Why do I feel like I could put all the blame on you and never feel guilty ever again - given that you also didn't wait for me? Five years, and I have never been engaged, while you told me you were committed just one year later? I know it was a lie too; I had a good, deep discussion with AST. But you could just tell me it was your family, so I could play my part, and we could wait for each other. You didn't AQ. I don't know why I could no longer go back to that promise I made, despite waiting a month to write this. I don't seem to feel the same for you... My AQ.

I don't know if you will ever come across this blog - I have put keywords and other 'digital trails' on my social media which might bring you here if you made a little effort, and I really wish you do. I want you to read all this, and just know what happened in my life, and how I thought of you all this time. Because I doubt we'll talk about our beautiful memories ever again.

It's tough. I no longer wish to bring anyone in my life. There are many around, yet there is no one who could ever come closer to what you were in my life. All those years, besides short periods of anger and frustration, I always thought I would meet you with an otherworldly smile on my face. I no longer seem to think like that. Last December was extraordinarily ecstatic in your memories, and it carried on with the new year, only to blur the promise in less than 4 months...

[brokenmug]

AQ... This moment is so, so much important for me my love.

“Dil kehta hai chal unse mil

Uthte hain qadam ruk jaate hain”

It's been two years to that new phase in your life, and since I came to know about it. TWO YEARS babe. You know this year is ending too. It's midnight and 31st. I came into playing *your* songs again, after a while, and I'm missing you like crazy…

“Hum jabse hain juda

Aye mere humnasheen

Yun dekho tou mere

Daaman main kya nahi”

And I somehow wish these lines are equally true…

“Magar tumhein kho ke

Lage hai mujhe aisa

Ke tum nahi tou kuchh bhi nahi

Tum kya jaano ab hum kitna

Dil hi dil main pachhtaate hain”

Remember when we would wait for each other in campus. You would often be seated on the bench, waiting for me, and I would often come late, and apologize to you with love...

"Wo din thy kya haseen,

Dono thy saath main"

Oh, those days…

“Tum he tum thy sanam

Mere din raat main”

And now situation is taking pace. The feeling of true love is upon me now, as play the lines I listened to when... When I truly realized for the first time, at least 7 years from now, that how much I felt for you even back then...

"Tumhe dillagi bhool jani paregi,

Muhabbat ki raahon main aa kar tou dekho"...

Those were the days when you told me you didn’t love me, and you couldn’t love anybody. So I asked you to love. I trusted that you would. Because I truly loved you my beautiful. I still love you. You know I always have. And I always will. It's forever, and ever, and ever. I still think, why all of this happened in our lives? I still hope for you. I don't care if it's right or wrong to think like that. Because then you began to love me too. Yes, we loved each other. We truly did. And we truly deserved each other. And still do.

I'm broken down like hell right now "mere rashq e qamar". I have realized I cannot love anyone like this. No I can't. Tonight, I make this promise. Something I was only waiting to make. Something I was only subconsciously waiting to realize. Yes, I make this promise to myself, and you my love. I will wait for you till the end. How can I even break this promise I'm making? I have waited so long to make this promise AQ! Now I WILL make it. I will wait for you and you only. It's a promise.

“Ik pal mujhko lagay, tum apne ho

Ik pal yeh lagta hai, ho tum ajnabi

Rishta hai jaany kya, tumse yeh mera…”

Looking back, it definitely took us long to truly realize that we are meant for each other. And even longer to actually be together.

“Raahon main tum milay, mujhko is tarah,

Sehra ki dhoop main, saya jis tarah,

Chalna hai saath main, humko har qadam,

Thama jo haath yeh, chorhun kis tarah”.

No, I won’t write our memories here. I don’t think I ever will, because those moments can’t be translated into words. Those memories are a treasure, only to be cherished by both of us, and no one else. I just want to reminisce how after all those struggles and confusions along the years, we would finally meet, sit, talk, walk, and act around like Omer and Elif, and how beautiful everything was.

“Lamhe guzarte gaye,

Hum yuhin jalte rahe,

Kuch na kaha na suna,

Main chaahun tujhe be-intiha”

I want those days to come back. I want those days to return. Because we deserve the love we gave to each other.

No matter how your life is right now, I will still give it a chance. I will always wait to be with you. I also didn't realize this song would actually turn on word to word true for you:

"Tumhe apna banane ki qasam

khaai hai, khaai hai"...

Remember once I told you I will ask God for you in the paradise? Now I realize how astonishingly true it was. Whether I'm a believer or not, it's still the same when you're concerned. You're the only one I wish. All that I wish. I love you so much. I'm keeping this promise till I no longer have to break it.

"Tu he meri pehli khwaish, tu he aakhri hai".

Till then, live the best of your days, and be happy. And always keep that beautiful smile. ❤️

Your's only,

AJ

[brokenmug]

Hey baby. How are you? Hope you're doing well. Tell me one thing, if you will. Why do you keep coming back - with so much intensity - in every November? What is it about this month? As this blog already reflects, the last time I saw you - the "last bliss" - was in November, 2018. Two years later, I would see you again in November - almost as intensely as in real - but in dream. I don't have a dream written in 2019, but I'm sure something must have happened. Because, this year, this month, last night, I met you again, my forever love. I saw you in my dream. It was a brief moment, but, you were as beautiful as always.

Things repeated too. Just like the last year, it was some event. A kind of gathering. Many of our batchmates were already present, including you. And I would come later, in my car, and incidentally pass by you while in my car. You wouldn't see me, as you'd be busy talking to somebody with your usual intense way. I still remember that. But then, nothing much would happen. My driver would drive me a bit away from where I was supposed to get down of the car, and I would ask him to stop. Then I would walk back, and as I approach the people seated, dream ends somehow.

[brokenmug]

dream, again...

It was probably the morning of 21st or 22nd of November, 2020. It was some kind of an event back in LUMHS, in some big hall, like a lecture hall. I was sitting with the boys, and seemed to know that you were there too. Though there was supposed to be a stage with something going on, but it was never apparent. As if it all ended without me noticing at all. Then, as everyone walked out, I saw her by my side and greeted her. Then we walked out together, and I asked her how her married life was. Don't remember what she said, but we were smiling, and continued talking, in like small sentences. She looked as beautiful as ever. Then suddenly, as if someone asked me for a chore, and I got involved in something, and I would come back to find she was gone. Later, I'm in a different place and seated, perhaps back home, and my dad would appear, telling me he had a guess about it all this time and asked me to move on. And I was just silent. It all felt so real, as if in future we might get to meet like that. I don't remember anything else, but I got up and still felt like it had happened in real. It was beautiful meeting you, even in dream.

- AJ da 16

[brokenmug]

feelings early dawn, fourteenth of November

What an amazing morning it is today... Yesterday morning, I saw her again... felt almost ecstatic. It was after a long time that I saw her, several months, half a year, maybe longer, that I saw her probably for the last time yesterday morning. Felt really good, because I really wanted to, for the last time. And right now, it's another day, another morning... it's before dawn, the moments that used to be my favorite. And here I am again, thinking of her, playing some songs, that remind me of her... I don't know where I'll go now. I'm really feeling ecstatic once again for thinking of her... And I know I have to let go of her... it's over, as I made a mistake... and I guess I'll have to pay for it, for the rest of my life. In a few days I'll be in Karachi for the next two years... And I'll hardly come back to this city... and probably never see her again. It will definitely, definitely be hard to forget her, but I'll try to move on... My coffee's gone cold... And yes, it's also quite surprising that this coffee that I've made after a year or two or probably longer, does taste good. I'm liking it. I guess I remember the way I used to make it when I was in LUMHS, in fact when I had entered the university, that's when I learned to make it... Ah well, guess I'll be ending this here. I'm actually recording this because I didn't have enough courage or what should I say... didn't have time to write as it would take too long to write all of this... so, I just decided to lay my feelings down in a recording so I can write them down later... And yes, of course, while listening to songs and having coffee, I was also checking on her profile on WhatsApp... And she was online... Online at this hour, which means what she said was true.... She was talking to somebody at this moment... Well, I wish her a happy life and I wish she'll be able to forget me, because I never will... She ain't like anybody else... And I'm going to do my own things and chase my goals because that's what I'm left with now... and I have to do this, got to do all of that... because that's probably how I'll live a better, content life... and a productive life of course, because now that she's gone... I can't find any other way of living my life happily other than doing that... Other than doing something big, so I might be remembered for doing something good for other people... And finally, not today, because I'm not feeling like going to LUMHS today, feeling a little tired... So, I'll be going tomorrow, on 15th, because the day has already started and it's just before dawn. And that would be the last time. I had just given away my student card and the next time I go there, I'll be getting my migration certificate, and that means I'm done with LUMHS, I'm done with it, forever. And I'll be able to move to Karachi... to do the things I want to do... Guess that was all I had to say... Peace.

- AJ da 16

[brokenmug]

just some stuff in Karachi

Well, how should I start this today... I've been in Karachi since yesterday, and today I went to the campaign in office for election tomorrow... Well, I actually I decided to write the blog today (I'm actually recording this and that's being converted into text) because today there is a lot of mixed up feelings inside me right now so let me just get to it...

First of all, here I am in Karachi only because for the election tomorrow for a candidate I support. The second thing is that I have been waiting for my result of the entrance test that I took a few weeks back and I am hoping to get selected and I am just waiting for the result to come out (a friend showed me one but it's nowhere on the website and I haven't received a call or a letter yet) so that's the stuff...

I went to office today but I was only therefore for an hour or two at maximum and I regret for not telling them that I was free whole today so that I could contribute to the campaign related work in the office, even though I've been trying to get more people in, for tomorrow... Then I came back here at my friend's place in the evening and I have just been using internet... Before that, as usual I was having my favorite 'anday wala' burger with tea and then in the evening I got free...

So I just took this book by Mr Rasool Bux Palijo about Mao Zedong which I had been reading yesterday as well... but then I suddenly recalled somebody, someone special... And it just made me unplug the phone again and lay down all these feelings of mine...

That I am here for the election, am waiting for my result, also missing home, reading this book, and regretting for not staying in the office more and do some work, and missing that beautiful lady...

Well tomorrow is going to be a long day, a tough day, and I just can't describe how am I feeling at the moment... There's a bit of fear because I don't know how it's going to be as a polling agent for an independent candidate and I actually saved some trouble by telling them not to assign me in Delhi Colony, and that's place I am at the moment, that's place I am staying at, because the people here in Delhi Colony are quite religious and don't really like my candidate and that's why I didn't even assist him and his team yesterday because I am still staying here (so I don't cross them somewhere later in the street)...

So let's see, what happens tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Good luck to me.

[brokenmug]

finally a talk on her birthday, and then a dream...

(By writing it appears, I wrote this in mid or late April 2018, in a phone app. Pasting it in this online diary and modifying the date for correct order of appearance, in mid 2021, over three years later.)

Well, I'm not sure the last time I wrote here, but today, she was very close to my heart. She came in my dream. We were together back again, as I said to her she was the same, even in the dream. And then after I got up from the sleep, she made me cry early in the morning. And then again. I haven't cried like this in ages. But she made me realize that's how it was back in the old days, when I would be teary eyed very often, at hostel. I recalled all that, almost as if lived those moments again, when I would want her by my side but wouldn't have her.

It's been a little over two months since I last talked to her - a fact that makes me a little happy inside right now for not being very far from her in sense of passage of time. Yes, I didn't write immediately after that, but I did text her, after nearly a whole year, on her birthday. She wasn't late to reply, and we had a good little chat. I was on the seventh heaven that moment. For perhaps half a year I couldn't stop telling a friend of mine MM who encouraged me in all this, that how much I wanted to talk to her, but the moment I was actually doing that, I didn't want to respond to anyone else but her. And that conversation was important. I told her I was gravely wrong, and extremely sorry. But I couldn't tell what was on her mind in those moments. Because the next morning or afternoon the same day, she told me it had been a long time, and she had moved on. She was committed, she said. It was too late. I congratulated her. She didn't seem happy though, bit I could tell by her texts that she was angry at me. But there was nothing I could do. Because she wanted it to end, for good.

Obediently, and peacefully, I told her it was about time, and that she won't see me ever again. And she said it had been over already since long. That's when I realized I had already made the biggest mistake of my life not just for ending with her a year ago, but for taking so long to talk to her again. Yes, I did want to do so last year when only half the time had passed, but I had sensed a feeling of hatred from her, for me, when I passed by her a few times. She wouldn't even see me. So I couldn't find the the courage to talk to her.

Well, she reminded me of my feelings today, in my dream. It wasn't her, hut it was still her. This morning is full of blazing feelings for her. For my lost love. Your memories are a treasure, sweetheart. My eyes are getting teary again; I haven't been this sentimental in a long, long time. This doesn't happen in the worst moments, but when I actually absorb my situation, days, weeks, sometimes months later. It's the first time I have wanted to refer to you as 'you' instead of 'her'.

Because now I'm telling you all this. I wish I could text you and just tell you I still love you and I always will. Two months later I still see the "single" relationship status on your profile and I wonder if you lied to me for you didn't want to be with me anymore. I don't know if I secretly wish that to be a lie, for if you weren't committed you would still probably think of me sometimes, and I know you would. Or if I want that to be true and wish for you a happy life, one without me. I really don't know. I can live without you; not truly content with life, cursing myself, and cherishing your memories, and probably moving on. This way, I can. But do we really deserve this? Do we not deserve each other? How could you move on, sweetheart? I know I was too bad with you. I fought with you. But did you forget it was I who fell in love with you first, and struggled all those years just to be with you? Did you forget how I finally got you by my side, and how happy we were together? Did you forget that it was always, always our situation, and worldly hardships that stopped is from being together, from living together? I admit my parents were one of the barriers, but did you forget it was your parents too? I don't know what's coming. But I still love you. I always will. I wish you to be happy, with or without me, whichever works better. You deserve happiness, sweetie. If you ever want to come back, you will be able to. Because I'll always be here. I hope I don't totally move on with someone else by that time and ruin someone's life. Because we were meant to be. Take care, beautiful.

- AJ da 16

[brokenmug]

Less than 20 days, and I’m back again in a commitment; a promise strong as never before, a hope high as never before, a connection sincere as never before, and a bond strong as never before… because a new ray of light has flashed - one that always failed to appear before today, a silver line has revealed - one that was hidden within the clouds before :)

I was content with my previous situation too; I had learnt to be so. But I’m even more happy now, today, than yesterday, when I was more happy than the day before it. Why wouldn’t I be? Well, that’s the way it goes… something happened I thought would never happen. Because again, I’d forgotten, that often things happen at the last moment, when we’ve ready to give up, when we’re at the brink of quitting…. its not a belief on the divine, its’ not about even just karma, but a way of this practical world - the last time, as it is or as we think it is, gives an impact so intense, the effect of which is like never before, thus the result is in similar way - like never before. So, it’s not a belief on fate, or a reward from Divine but a reward from ourselves, to ourselves, by our own acts. Yes, dreams often come true. And often they might seen small, but we fail to realize that what was put in to make that happen. I seem to realize now. I’m happy. My dream did come true yesterday. And again today. And it’d go onto be so forever, whenever it happens. I will never forget its effect on me the first time it happened. I will never forget the story behind it - the hopes, the successes, the failures. And I will, hopefully, never let it fade, ever again.