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[brokenheartsmending2]

Oh Shit Here We Go...Or Not.....Ugh!!

Pacing back in fourth my room, I try to come to grips of what is wrong with me? What exactly am I feeling towards Athena? Am I in love? Is it lust? Is this permanent or is this just a phase? I spent such a long time keeping these thoughts to myself and kept fighting myself from getting so deep into my own head. I would hear about people's traumatic coming out stories and I grew more mortified to tell a soul. That is until one day I finally grew the courage to talk these feelings out with Athena.

I got to school early and parked in my usual spot, and had her coffee order in hand. She approached my car and my God she looked so beautiful with her hair down and her lips so freshly glossed, she looked like she was freshly delivered from Heaven. She got in my car, looked at me and smiled. As I was about to open my mouth, she excitedly says "I've been dying to talk to you about something that has me just absolutely madly in love with a very special someone." My mind went blank and I sat there in silence, praying she is talking about me. My heart beat felt like it just grew louder and louder as she kept talking about her feelings. "Elena, I fell in love and I never once imagined I could ever fall for this person. I am a bit shy to tell you that I fell in love with Daniel..." BOOOM!!! My heart shattered and I could feel myself wanting to break down and cry. I would not allow myself to feel within that moment. Once she finished pouring out her heart about why she loves Daniel I just pretended like I was absolutely fine. Athena noticed something was off in my behavior, she noticed I grew distant within our conversation. Luckily I was saved by the bell.

We got out the car and went to our homeroom, Athena grabbed my hand as she normally did, and I drew my hand away and put it in my pockets. We normally sat together in class and I chose to space away just so I can simmer down and save my cry for when I am alone. Athena, made it impossible that day. She kept asking what's wrong the whole day. Finally, we made it out of our last class of the day and I could not hold it together as she kept going on about Daniel. The walk to my car felt long, I began to sweat out of anxiety trying to find the words to just tell her!

"Athena, I really just need to say this now because I can't keep hiding feelings from you anymore." Athena stopped dead in her tracks and sits down on the bench. My palms began to sweat, my knees began to shake, I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. "Athena, I am scared to tell you this, mainly because I fear being hurt by you more than what I already am. Our friendship is something I am beyond appreciative for, and I honestly hope by saying this I don't ever lose your. I too fell in love with someone, and I am beyond terrified of what the outcome maybe. I love you, Athena. You have me feeling so much more love for you than James. I've been in love with you for so long that I can't go another day without telling you."

She stood up, speechless, and stunned about my confession. "Elena, are you serious?" I sat next to her ad began to cry. "Elena, I can't believe you. No way this is just a sick prank. You are so not in love with me...are you?" She took a deep breath and began pacing, she came up to me and grabbed my shirt. "You fucking sick bitch! I trusted you to be my friend! How could you?! Stay the fuck away from me, we're not friends anymore. I am so disgusted by you!" Just as I thought "how can this day get any worse?" I just now lost the very first girl I ever fell in love with. Athena threw me on the bench and walked away and called Daniel to pick her up.

I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and went home to have a good cry. As soon as I get home I was happy to see I had the house all to myself and let out the biggest scream I could and kept the tears flowing. Sad to say my brother heard me as he entered the house. He came into my room to find me laying on the floor bawling. He entered and picked me up off the ground and hugged me without saying a word. He rarely is ever affectionate. He asked me what happened. I explained to him that my heart broke. I noticed my brother giving me a warm smile and he quietly asked, "did Athena break your heart?" My eyes opened wide and I pulled myself away from him in full blown shock. "Aiden, what are you talking about?" My brother explained to me he noticed that I fell in love with Athena. My brother watched it all unfold. He saw the way she had me wrapped around her finger. My heart melted because never did I think my younger brother would be the first one to see me fall in love with a woman. "Elena, I really don't care who you love. You will always be my older sister and I will love you unconditionally." Hearing all of this come from a 12 year old was jaw dropping. "Aiden, you're right...I fell in love with a girl and she broke my heart. I don't know if loving girls is my for sure sexuality, but this felt so intense and beautiful." I hugged my brother tight and we resumed our normally brother sister rivalry as if that moment never happened. I loved it and he got me through my first heart break.

As for Athena, she never spoke to me after I came out to her and expressed how much I loved her. She went out of her way to block me off of every social media platform, and would avoid my presence in any room I was in. I did run into her at a New Years Eve party at a mutual friend's house, and she got extremely drunk, I made sure her ass did not get a concussion from puking her guts out in the bathroom.

[brokenheartsmending2]

Girl Crush… uh oh!

August of 2009, my sophomore year of high school I was losing my mind with the fact my private Christian school did not offer any athletic programs for girls. Every school year I was either doing basketball or swim team. I was consistently physically active and need to be in order to keep my sanity. My sophomore year my school finally opened up co-Ed football. Finally I got my chance to go for something new and much less something to help me take out the aggression from my home life. Most of my friends and family thought I was crazy and stupid for trying out for football, but I did not care. I was out on that practice field with the boys and loving it! I was not afraid to take a hit or tackling down the biggest guy of the bunch.

We were a few days away from our first football game and I was so pumped to be the first and only girl in our high school to ever play tackle football and it was time for my debut on the field as safety. Coach asked that before we ended practice we run one last play and call it a day. I remember it so clear the minute I heard my quarterback, Luke, yelled “hike,” my eye stayed on both running backs. I then noticed that there was a hole in the offensive line with no one there blocking our quarterback that allowed me to go for a sack. I double checked my surroundings as my quarterback was being pressured, it was a clear shot for the kill. I sprinted and blinked next thing you know I’m blind sided and on the ground. I looked up to see my dear friend, Rob holding out his hand and apologizing for tackling me. I laughed and thought nothing of it. I realized as we ran to the truck for water that I was not able to even grip my water bottle with my right hand nor even hold a pen. I ran up to my dad who was the head coach and told him about my wrist. He noticed the swelling and assumed it’s only a sprain. Of course I didn’t feel any pain and kept icing it for days. That is until I noticed a gap on my right wrist and the bottom of my arm was blood shot. I woke up on the fifth morning screaming in pain cuz I could not move my hand at all. My parents rushed me to the ER and sure enough I had broken and separated my right radius close to where it connects to my thumb. That was my first ever broken bone. I was amazed but hated that I was in need of surgery. Thanks Rob for the memorable firsts! Lol

Fast forward to the day after my surgery I finally made it back to school and realize we had a new girl that arrived from Northern California, her name was Athena. I hadn’t met her until later that day we had P.E. together. I had no idea what she looked like. I was walking to the track, I felt this tap on my shoulder, and heard a sweet angelic voice say, “hey, you must be that girl on the football team.” I turned around to see this gorgeous brown eyed girl smiling at me. My heart skipped a beat and my tongue was not able to even produce a single word. I some how managed to nod my head yes. She looked into my eyes and told me she told me that she too had broken her wrist and a few other bones. I still was speechless this pretty girl was even talking to me, which was a new feeling for me to feel, given I only felt that way with my boy crushes. To feel this new fluttering warm feeling in my chest completely shocked me, but I ignored it and thought absolutely nothing more of it after we kept talking. Next thing you know Athena became best friends. We would talk about life, family, movies, music, and what we envisioned for ourselves once we finished high school. As our friendship grew over the school year I kept noticing myself just leaning into every word she would say, and loved watching her lips move. I never noticed the beauty in the way she did everything and would hold my hand. I would sometimes just day dream about her and I would feel that fluttering warm feeling again! It got so bad that it grew to a point where I wanted to kiss her more than, James, my boyfriend at the time. I was getting freaked out at the fact I had more feelings for Athena than I did him. I had no idea what was going on nor had I any idea having feelings for a girl could be okay, especially being were both in such a heteronormative environment. Lady loving sexuality is something I’ve not been been exposed to ever in my life, so the fact that I started feeling my mind race with all these visions of being with Athena just made me feel the urge of wanting to burst and tell someone. I was super fearful to even tell Athena, herself, that I even felt romantic feelings for her. Fuck!!! What do I do??

[brokenheartsmending2]

This is an absolute first for me to be publishing my writing online.

For anyone reading this,

Hello fuckers! (Btw I figured I would call my readers Fuckers since my life is a fuckery anyways.) My name is Elena, I am a 28 year old lesbian that will be totally spilling her guts on this blog about how much I relate to the movie, “Good Luck Chuck.” If you haven’t watched the movie I one hundred million percent think you should check it out for yourself. Once you watch that movie you’ll understand why I say I can totally relate to the main character. I hope you all give my writing a chance and join me as I write about my dating life. Trust and believe when I say that this is therapeutic for me and it feels good putting it all into words. Vulnerability, is something that isn’t always easy to express when you are face to face with a therapist, but hey we all know that in order for us to overcome whatever obstacle in our lives we need to break out of our comfort zones. So, here I am!! Ta-Da!! This is me ripping down the walls of my comfort zone and presenting you with my crazy stories of how dating has been going. Hope you all enjoy my writing. Thank you and good night.