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[brokenbutblessedd]

Maybe we are not so different?

Monday 9th December 2019

Today I realised. Maybe I’m not so different to the father that raped me, whom abused me , mentally, physically and emotionally for years.

Life has been up and down constantly. Today I was arrested for assault and is being served an AVO. Who did I hurt? My sister. Current thoughts and feelings? I feel embarrassed, emotionally hurt, lonely and hate against myself. Thinking I’m not so different to my father. How? My father never really had a real family. No one knew him, heck even I don’t. I only know a few things about him.

One of them being is , he was abused and neglected his whole life and probably even raped too. He’s got some mental issues with his past and himself and so do I. I have a history of depression and anxiety and recently found out not long ago I have borderline personality disorder, which I’ve mentioned few months ago of making this public diary of myself.

He got in trouble with police for rape. Raping me and sexually abusing my older sister. I’m here sitting at the police station being served an avo because I hurt my sister, whom probably wants to charge me. I’m not sure. As I was being arrested I walked past my sister and brother in-law who comforted her like a father he is to her, not biologically aha but like he’s been there for her like a father.

It broke me bit more seeing that. Because I don’t have that. I feel like everything is always my fault and it probably is. Them calling the police even if it’s the right thing to do left me feeling like I don’t matter. That my sister isn’t sorry for hurting me. That just because I’m 24 and is a mother, someone who should be more mature, I should know better and I know I should know better but it sucks how it seems it’s okay for them to keep treating me the way they do.

My family is so broken, it’s like we are jut even a family. I’m so broken. Even though I have a daughter I feel lost and alone. I don’t have any friends that are there for me. I don’t have a mother who is and a father. I don’t have anyone. But myself. I do wish I didn’t exist and I do wish I could end my life. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I know eventually, somewhere in life , someone or something will draw me closer to wanting to find a way that I can end my life permanently, just like that.

I’ve given up on religion and family. Not my daughter , I love her. But besides her being the only thing I care about. Everything and myself I’ve given up on. I don’t want to go to the hospital and I don’t want Ezra to be taken away from me. But if I know someone can take care of her like maybe my mother. Like someone I know who loves her too much and won’t treat her badly just because she is mine. Because I’m being treated differently and not in a good way just because i am my fathers daughter and I look just like him, I’m stuffed in the head just like him.

I feel so bad for wanting a family, die wanting to be a mother. When I can’t even handle myself. I should of fixed myself up , if only I knew that what happened to me then would have an effect on me now. Man if I could go back in time, if I knew. I’d probably continue to figure out ways to kill myself.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Finally adjusted to my short hair after my #Britneyspears episode. My hair has grown heaps since then.

[brokenbutblessedd]

[brokenbutblessedd]

Wednesday 6th November 2019

12:55 am

Today I had melt down. I ended up cutting my hair myself , this self hate or idk what you call it. But I was in so much emotional pain and frustration I took it out on myself , my hair. I didn’t know how to cope or how to express how I felt.

I cried even more after what I did , realising what I have done to myself and hated what I did and thought now I look ugly. I have never done this before, I may have screamed and pulled out my hair but this time it was bad. This time I really went too far.

I bought myself a wig off eBay because my broke ass can’t afford the good stuff aha. I hope when I get it this Friday it isn’t as bad and looks good. Hopefully I start to feel somewhat normal and pretty again.

This all happened because my mom put my jumper in the wash that I didn’t even put in the washing basket and in that jumper had things that went in the wash and cannot be fixed. But besides that... after one negative incident I thought of all the negative things going on in life which brought me to the point where I just blew up and had a melt down.

It was stupid but my mother did make it worse by saying it’s my fault and to stop reacting or feeling the way I do. She didn’t even apologise. Rather the made me feel worse about what happened like she always does with every wrong thing she did or does.

I can’t believe I let it get to me. But at that moment it was just too much for me. Now here I am with a messed up hair cut that I did to myself , there’s nothing more to it. I can’t do anything but move on from there and see the positive side... like what to do next that’s positive. Rather than dwell upon what she did and what I did to myself. There’s nothing I can do to fix the past of what happened today. So I know myself I just gotta move forward from what happened and hopefully make something good in the end.

[brokenbutblessedd]

L0V333 🤔

Monday 4th November 2019

Single for 3 years. I used to crave love , affection and attention , somebody to be with... now it’s like I’m content and happy where I’m at.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m busy being a mother. The fact my daughter gives me all the love I need. Or because I just don’t trust men in general after the trauma I’ve been through. The trauma my father put me though and the toxic past relationships I’ve had in the past. I just don’t want to risk history repeating itself. Maybe I guess it’s abit of everything.

Sometimes I dream of meeting someone that I can trust. Someone who wouldn’t put me through what I’ve been through. Love my daughter as their own and would not do any harm to her either. Feeling safe and secure. Happy. Not that I’m not happy now, but just extra, since there is someone else to share it with.

Love. Is something I enjoy only by watching it in anime’s haha... or spending time with my daughter , telling her how much I love her more than she loves me. Or cuddling my cat for a few minutes reminding him how much I love him too.

Love. Something I have and do when I cook food for my family. When i lay in bed and stare outside my window and appreciate the little things, like the sun, the gentle breeze and warmth of the day. Watching the trees dance. Watching the clouds as they move amongst the baby blue skies, as if time is flying , yet laying down as if time feels like it’s in slow motion at the same time .

Love is what I feel when I listen to certain music that brings back the good memories I have left of my childhood. Love is what I feel when I eat food that tickle my taste buds.

All this type of love has left me content.

[brokenbutblessedd]

EASY

12:11am Thursday 31st of October.

I never was the easiest person to love. Heck it’s hard enough learning to love myself. My parents found it hard to love me. People find it hard to love me.

My relationships and friendships were nothing but abuse, pain, neglect, manipulation, lies and jealousy. There are days I wish my mother miscarries me. Days where I just didn’t exists and since I do, I would just drop dead, just die.

Today is one of those days, where I wish so hard that I would just die or never exist. I feel so much pressure from the world that I live in. The people I’m surrounded by. The things I have to face. Finding a psychologist/ psychiatrist, taking action to do it. People judging me , why I’m single, why I’m w single mom and why I don’t have friends my age. Why I do this and that. People commenting on how I should a mother, what I should do in life.

I feel so lonely , even though I’m a mother and has a child that loves me so dearly. Call me selfish but I still feel so alone, unloved , judged and neglected. No one to love me or give me love, don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and she loves me and I know that’s all that should matter but... a part of me is still missing what I’ve always needed and wanted.

Parents to show attention and give me love. Brothers and sisters that love me back and appreciate the sacrifices I do for them. A partner to have a family with, a home , goals and much more.

Instead I get a mother who has favourites , who gives no love , appreciation and attention. A father who isn’t around because he raped his own daughter and now has a new family in another suburb. No partner to shower me with love and support even for our own child because he chose to cheat and abuse drugs and be violent towards I and his child.

Friends who don’t understand me. Friends that are young , friends that are old, friends that I don’t even know if they are my friends. I do maybe have a few that I know are real with me but yet I must admit... I feel lonely.

I know , no one can love me and if they chose to stay.. they would only struggle with me. Nothing ever lasts with me. So maybe , I hope my life doesn’t last that long either. I’m breaking, I feel the pain like electricity running through my fingers and deep into my chest, so deep it’s like I’m suffocating, like I feel everything so deeply.

I don’t know why God gave me life or what my purpose here is. I tried so hard to be positive... telling everyone I’m good and had a good day because how can I tell them “no, today has been hard and so has the other days”. So instead I smile and say I’m good, my days been good :) ...

[brokenbutblessedd]

So lily wanted to have ago at me today once again....

October 23 2019 - Wednesday.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Feels lately.

Wednesday 23rd of October 12:42pm

So turns out a girl I used to be mates with, “lily” she’s making all this money as a prostitue/ sugar baby. Can’t even pay back people she owes money. My mom says that’s just greediness. Truthfully , I do agree that lily is greedy. It’s quite sad. But what I’ve been taught is that , in time she will not be successful in life and that money will come back to me , if not now, somehow, somewhere in the future.

I hate how I can’t get her out of my mind because of all the things she does to me and others. How she makes me feel like I’m in the wrong and how she lies straight to my face about what she says and does. She thinks she can somehow twist things around and get her way out and into things.

I feel sorry for her boyfriend. He was my mate but I know he chooses lily over everything. I mean he lets his girlfriend be a prostitue/ sugar baby to other men. He doesn’t know it himelf or he does that he’s being manipulated and that she says she loves him but her actions say otherwise. She uses her mental illness as an excuse for her actions. But me? When it comes to me I can’t? Not only that I can’t I won’t don’t think I can even do what she does.

Lately my days have been good without her. She maybe thinking well fuck everyone , least I’m making money. Little does she know her life is sad. Money can’t buy happiness and she ain’t happy when she think she is. Just because she’s earning all this money, she’s just someone old men use and then she goes back home to her boyfriend.

She has no real friends because she isn’t real. She is cunning, manipulative, deceiving, vile and toxic. Harsh words, but it is true. I’ve met many people through my life and she is exactly all in one, minus the positive. I was fooled by her once , I will not be fooled again.

When she gets mad that I avoid her and speak truth about her (which isn’t talking shit) She would count the amount of things she has done for me to prove she is a real friend. But a real friend wouldn’t count, woundnt lie or deny things she does or says.

She owes me a lot of money like shoes to others. She makes so many excuses. She says “if you don’t want to deal with me or be my friend leave”. She guilt trips you and when you do leave she gets mad, tries to make you feel like complete shit. (That’s where the manipulation comes in)

I’ve mentioned before things that has happened between her and I. Things she’s said about my daughter. I can never ever trust her after that. Especially how I see her treat others especially my friend Angie. The amount of lies she says about her and I.

I can’t wait when I don’t have to think or see her ever.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Anxiety.

Anxiety is like a parasite that eats your insides up and makes you wanna throw it all up but it’s stuck. It twists your insides, makes my heart race and my chest tight. Makes me feel like I’ve gone a whole day without water.

Anxiety, makes me cry, makes me not eat, makes me feel like I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Makes me feel alone. Anxiety makes me over think , makes me feel like I want to pass out. Makes me sick. Anxiety makes me feel like I can’t function, makes me feel lost.

Anxiety comes in many forms. Anxiety can come from anything or nothing at all. Anxiety.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Late night thoughts -

“Who am I?” (October 16th, Wednesday 2019 - 1:06am)

I think of people I know who seem to know who they are. When my older sister went shopping. She was trying on some clothes... she said “how does this look?” My reply is “yes I like that, a lot”. Her response is “yea you’re right , because this is more like me”.

What is me? Who is me? Who am I? ... she seems to know very much of who she is , what’s more her.

I’m 24, I’m still lost of who I am and still gets frustrated on what to wear, my hair colour, how I want to look...what is me.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Thursday 10th October 2019 -

I arrived at Chatswood, a suburb in Sydney , Austrialia. On my way I had an anxiety attack... I arrive I felt like my mind wasn’t working at all, I felt slow while having anxiety attack, trying to breathe and not throw up from the stress. I sat down near a park, started to ball my eyes out non stop. My heart still beating faster than normal.

I haven’t been out for a while, especially to Chatswood. I’m currently in waiting for one of my mates to come meet me and catch up. His name is Eric. He just finished work and is on his way. In the meanwhile I messaged two friends, Claudia and Jeremy to help calm me down. It helped a little. Me writing all this also has calmed me down. Even though I’m still abit shaky.

[brokenbutblessedd]

What if I did end my life right now. Would it be better? Just like me leaving peoples lives in real life? (Leaving friendships)

[brokenbutblessedd]

My two moods -

Feeling emotionally , mentally and physically tired.

Kinda wanna end my life already...

[brokenbutblessedd]

Thursday October 10, 2019 -

I’ve been staying home a lot lately. Ever since I stopped being fiends with lily. It’s 10:53 am and I’m feeling pretty down. I see Angie on my stories who says a lot about lily and saying she doesn’t want to be around lily anymore and lily who also said a lot about her now hanging with Angie a lot ever since I left the group.

I knew me being away and not forgiving lily would stop the jealousy between the two. It never works out if it’s three girls being mates. I never get jealous but I do hate feeling left out. I hated the bitching and thinking of lily can do that to Angie she could do the same to me. I hated lying to Angie too.

Well now they are closer than ever. I’m the loser , I’m the fake , I’m the liar, I’m this and that ... well I’m none of those but it’s the negative thoughts that run through my head, trying to put me down. Prove that there is something wrong with me.

Anyways....

Lastnight a girl named alyssia quan messaged me telling me on Snapchat to becareful what I call people ... such as a boy named Rustin Tubig, someone I used to be friends with. I called him a “rapist” because he has taken advantage of young teenage girls who were intoxicated and almost did it to my little sister. He’s 20 and goes for 14-15 year old virgins. at first I didn’t believe it but truth started to reveal itself. So after she told me that I said it’s my Snapchat story and I’ll call a rapist a rapist. And she said things that annoyed me more. If it was rape did I report it? Like girl you stupid? Just because it wasn’t reported doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! She acting like she’s never been rapped , sexually abused or what not after telling me her mother’s boyfriend does things to her.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Tuesday 8th of October 2019 (1:38am)

Lately I’ve been feeling so much anxiety for a couple of day’s, mostly financial anxiety. I’ve also been feeling extreme frustration. I’ve have been having a short temper over everything. I’ve been so negative.

I’ve been frustrated over the responsibilities I have or isn’t even my resposibiliy. Such as cooking for my family , my mom, little sister and younger brother plus my daughter. Spending my money on making sure we have what we need, laundry detergent, shampoo, body wash , cat food, foood for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When it comes to cleaning or cooking my two younger siblings do not help at all. They rely on me to cook and help them clean. My moms great full for the tinniest things they do. But when I do things I don’t get much praise or appreciation.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m feeling really low, negative, stressed and depressed. Like I might hurt someone or myself. I feel alone even though that not maybe the case but it feels like it. I write today because I guess I just hope if I write things out, I’d feel better releasing what I think and feel.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Monday 30th September 2019 Part 2 :

So from my last post of part one , seeing all the messages , to understand how she’s twisting this is... she bitches and dogs certain people and lies. So what’s not to say she does the same to me? She is manipulating and tries to put me down and make me feel guilty and tells me to stop playing victim “she tells everyone to stop playing victim” but that is exactly what she is doing!

The fact I don’t feel safe for my daughter , for my family to even hang in the town where I live just because some girl from a different suburb comes down to hang and threaten people and now I myself is one of those people , being harrased just because I don’t want to deal with fake people, people who take advantage of people , use them and manipulate them.

In the end she makes it feel or seem like it’s my fault. That I’m crazy or turn people against me or whatever it is to put me down. That’s just unfair. She wants me to tell her what she did wrong, but I don’t feel like I have to or need to because she knows something is up and she should know and think for herself what exactly she’s been doing wrong. Maybe like taking advantage that I’m kind and always pressuring me to do things I don’t want to, things that isn’t me. Taking money and clothes and never giving it back. Thinking she has the rights to verbally abuse my child.

I will not allow my family, my daughter or myself deal or be around someone like that. I will not let any of us cop up such vile, disgusting negativity from anyone and especially from “LILY PRIDE”.

[brokenbutblessedd]

Monday 30th of September 2019 part 1 :

From my last post I’ve been taking about “lily”.

Today I’m going to talk about lily again, my situation with her.

So today she started to catch up on me avoiding her. Ever since I stop hanging with her I feel good. Less negative and I can finally breathe. Today she decided to have a go at me. To put me down and twist things around. Below is her messaging me on her boyfriends phone.