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Season 5: Episode 4

Let’s talk about all the bullshit that happened before Channel 10 FUCKED US! Standard aerial shots of Casa De Osh open the episode nicely before those noobs we call bachelorettes make their way onto the screen. Firstly, do you bitches really even have to guess who the date was for with a clue about speaking a different language, it was obvious it was gonna be Olena 2.0

Yes.

And so begins another 'most boring date I've ever seen'. View? Pretty, Fun? Zero. Crazy bitch wore heeled booties abseiling? She must have been in as much pain as me after having walked 2km in heels today.

Yummy. That magic sex couch is defs looking out for KK and I, 8 bitches kisses to go and we rich.

Cut to Matty in a threesome very awkward sitch.

Poor guy didn't know where to look. And I know I am not one that anyone should be taking dating advice from but if Matty J asks if you want a fam, you don't make this face.

Fucking hell, y'all know I hate screeching miniature humans babies, but if Matty J asked me if I wanted them, I would have gotten preggo the hour prior. That generic lottery sperm don't come around everyday.

Get the fuck out Nose Job Girl, you dumb.

“You’ve had a nose job haven't you?” Ok, maybe Nosey isn't as dumb as that crazy tatt girl who was hiding in the bathroom like she's in an episode of The Hills.

“You leavin’ or what bitch?”

Is that a dead person on your back? The only person I wanna see dead is the producer who thought it was a good idea to cut off the episode before the end of the rose ceremony.... and Dr Chris. Peace.

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Season 5: Episode 3

Shock horror, Laura got the first kiss.

Besides that, could he have rocked up in a more pathetic boat?

Dafaq is your yacht mate? Oh that’s right Channel 10 went bust.

Oh wait, there is it. Sully’s funds must have cleared.

“Thanks Sandra”

I am so excited for this first kiss, it means KK and I are 10 kisses away from racking in hugggge $$$ on Sportsbet.

Start writing that resignation letter KK.

Arts and crafts? Laura you fool, drag Matty J and that bod of his into the McMansion behind your easel and drop trou.

“Let’s hope she don't fuck like she draws”

I am intrigued that design courses involve painting naked people every other day, did you have to do that Amanda? 

Gotta say though, this date is so boring I’d have more fun setting myself on fire.

Cue the Magic Sex Couch for some well over due entertainment, we are boarding on Richie season boredom here.

I wonder if Matty J can still smell that bitch Georgia on it. I’m sure it would be the same couch ‘cause #Receivership

and after some research....

© me

It is.

I don’t know how that kiss could have gotten Laura ‘over excited’, bitch don’t know over excited until she’s matched with and boned Dr Chris.

I also don’t know what dafaq Osh is tryna do, he’s about to make Matty J crack with all the flashbacks.

The sex couch from last season, the medieval themed group date... I am certain Matty had to dress up like a fuckwit in a knights outfit last year to try and woo Ms Hater Love.

Yep he did.

“fuck my life”

And so ends another episode that I almost fell asleep watching before seeing crazy eyes depart.

“Cya bitches”

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Season 5: Episode 1

Well well well, we’re back.

If you were anything like me, you were wailing like a little bitch during the flashbacks of Matty J getting DENIED by that crazed lunatic that is Georgia.

Luckily for all of us, and my neighbours; a shirtless Matty J appeared to wipe away my/your tears to talk about his second chance at love and all that bullshit.

Insert vomit here.

Not here.

Or here.

Unfortunately these images were promptly ruined when a baby showed up.

Now, further judgements and observations from the episode that was.

I was that bored I actually began to track those smooth criminal one liner comments Matty was making when he met each chick.

I think he had met 5 girls before the game was no longer fun.

Was it even fun to begin with? Not really.

‘You Look Stunning’ word count: 111 ‘Lovely meeting you’ word count: 11111111 ‘You Look Amazing’ word count: 11 Judgement 1: Tara

She’s a Nanny. Children. Need I say more.

Matty hates you MATE, and your stupid smiley tattoo.

See ya.

Oh sweet lord Jesus, Georgia’s back! 

Wait no, it’s someone even dumber than her, Cobie.

Helium voice? Really?

“I’m a fucking idiot“

“Fuck off Georgia”

Fairly certain producers accidentally cast Natalie in place of me, the resident cyber stalker.

annnnnnd she told him she’s been stalking him — mistake 1. Saying moist, mistake 2. Go home now fool.

”I said moist like 4 times” Yeah cause you're an idiot.

And now, Florence.

Did she remind you of anyone else?

"My accent is better than hers”

Imma call her Olena 2.0

Enter Skank Bitch Leah.

Token shit stirrer of the season so ya’ll know she’ll be around for a few weeks for “entertainment”.

I hate you Channel 10.

and last but not least, Lisa.

Could she be any more gorgeous?

Bitch.

See you tomorrow ladies.

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Tonight's the night!

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Season 5: Group Date

Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for paparazzi.

More pics have emerged of the fame whores bachelorettes on the standard boring AF ‘photoshoot group date’. For those of you not aware, this date is usually done in episode 1 or 2 to bring the bitchy ones to the forefront as they stare down the chick getting the most attention.

Imma predict now the one ‘straddling’ Matty J backwards on the motorbike like an idiot is the chosen one that those haters gon’ hate on. Judge in 3, 2 .....1

and of course, there is a token crazy eyes girl.

Burn a hole in my forehead much?

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Season 5: Group Date

So, just opened Facebook and the first article I see:

I’ve opened the article to check out the b**ch young lady who is all up in my man’s biz ....

She’s dead to me.

Kinda like this fool contestant, she gotta go.

Nice top too loser, too bad we’ve seen it before.

Moving on....

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Season 5: The Ladies

Well, today more photos have emerged of the ladies vying for their fifteen minutes Matty J’s heart and boy do they look as unimpressed as me on a Monday morning.

Monday stage one: Just no.

Stage two: ew sunlight.

and three: imma choke myself now.

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Season 5: Matty J

Welcome to the 2017 Bachie Sweep ! Due to Georgia’s incompetency, Matty J is mine still single and now reigns as Bachie King. Welcome to all the rookie and veteran Bachie Sweepers, I am so thrilled you are joining me for another edition of ‘Brittany’s Bachie Breakdown’.