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[bris-place]

May 6, 2020

Today was good. Day shift has been good to me so far. The wedding was pushed back to August. He still won’t get off his computer. This virus has everyone messed up. I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to get this wedding over with. I want to be able to sleep peacefully again. I want to be able to eat without worry. I want to go through the day without a single negative thought. Just once! From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep no negative thoughts. *sigh*

[bris-place]

January 12, 2020

I just feel like everything is going to shit and I don’t know what to do.

[bris-place]

January 5 2020

I told him my anxiety is bad and I need cuddles. It took him a few minutes but he came in here. We talked and we cuddled. And it was nice. Then his phone buzzes and he says “oh they got the server up again”. And then he leaves. I follow him to the kitchen. He gets a cookie. I try to continue talking to him but all I get are one word answers like he isn’t really listening. And then he’s back in the game room with his headphones on. Not hearing a thing I say. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being shrugged off. Nothing is more important to him than his computer and his friends online. He can see all these people irl. That how they met in the first place. But he’d still rather talk to them on discord. And I bet it’s the same with me. I don’t know what to do.

[bris-place]

[bris-place]

And another thing. 12/26/19

I can’t just not put any effort into anything. I would just stop so I could show him exactly how much effort I put into everything. But I can’t. I am completely unable to do that. My anxiety riddled brain won’t let me.

[bris-place]

“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”

— Hafiz of Shiraz (via goodreadss)

[bris-place]

Wow. Long time no see. 12/26/19

Lots of stuff has happened this year. It sucks. I don’t remember when I posted the last one. But we got engaged. His uncle passed. My dog passed. I’m currently out of work for stupid reasons. The wedding is just a few months away and I feel like we are way behind. And this all has only been the last few months. I’ve been tip toeing in my conversations with him. Rehearsing what I’m gonna say before hand. It’s not good. But this isn’t a normal thing that happens. 3 years we’ve been together. And it’s only recently I’ve had to do this. It’s only recently his gotten so snappy. I know it’s because of stress. Because so much has happened. But I feel like I’ve gotten myself stuck in the same situation as my mom. I talked so much shit about her not leaving my dad while I was growing up. And now I’m just like her. I’ve always been just like her. And now I’m stuck. We have most things paid for. And I love him. He loves me. Every time he snaps he instantly regretts it. He never hits me. Never touches me. But neither did my dad. I’m afraid I’m just marrying what I know. And that scares me. But I know this isn’t actually him. He needs to go back to therapy. This is anxiety showing up as anger. I’m trying to be patient. But I’m having to do everything regarding the wedding on my own. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him. And then my views have changed. A good job is not success for me. A family is. But he doesn’t want kids. He can’t give me any good reasons why. But that’s just because he can’t put them into words. He knows that his anger does not make a good environment to raise a kid. And I’m not sure what to do about that either. He needs therapy. But his latest response to me asking him to go back is “you first”. And he has a point with that. I need to go too. But it’s not easy for me to go. I feel like I’m carrying everything on my own. I make the effort to be with him. I make an effort to make sure we have food in this house. I make sure all of his needs are met before mine. I’ve sacrificed myself in so many way for him. And what do I get? A quick thanks. And every time I talk to him about my concerns he will go and do something sweet. But then after that one thing it’s back to usual day to day. I’m getting tired of this. I’m getting tired of spending most nights laying in bed or on the sofa and listening to him play his games. I just want at least one night a week where he’s not talking with the boys and does stuff with me. I want him to make more of an effort. But he has so much on his shoulders too. Mostly at work though. And then same stuff as me except he stresses over it without doing anything about it. Where as I actually do something about it. Like with food. If I moved out for a week he’d live off take out alone and he’d probably be broke. He needs therapy more than I do because he can’t handl me venting to him. My problems are his problems and it stresses him out to the point of a panic attack. I have pull myself together in the middle of an anxiety attack just to calm him down. Are we even close or do we just hang around each other a lot?? Sometimes I feel like I’m just here for sex and an emotional sounding board. Sometimes I feel like he tries he just has a hard time. My life just sucks right now. I have no one to go to because all of my friends were his friends first. My mom isn’t gonna be sympathetic. My sisters aren’t either. I have no one. I need help. Or maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I’ve been know to make mountains out of mole hills. Maybe I’m just putting too much pressure on myself. On him. Maybe I’m the problem? I’ve done things like this before. Made him out to be the bad guy when all that was happening was that I was picking out little thing magnifying them and then acting accordingly. Maybe I’m projecting my fears about my dad on to him. Maybe I’m just falling back into old habits because he snapped a couple times when I woke him up on different days. Maybe I’m making excuses for him now. I DONT KNOW!!! I really need help.

[bris-place]

So. A lot has been going on recently. It’s been a year since I’ve been with my boyfriend. My great aunt recently passed. My great grandmother is on the way. My job sucks. My confidence is bouncing around. Sometimes I’ll feel like I’m gaining confidence in myself and sometimes I’ll feel like I’ve taken three steps back. Sometimes I feel like I’m that 12 year old girl again. Afraid to do everything and anything with out someone being there to guide me. Confused by everything. I have no social skills. Socializing is terrifying and exhausting. It always has been. I can’t seem to get around it. Every time I mess up even the smallest thing. I want to break down in tears. I keep replaying it in my head over and over and over. No matter what I do. These small things never stop bothering me. They are always constantly in the back of my mind. My thoughts are constantly nagging me. It won’t stop. Even when I sleep. It keeps going. And going and going. I get breaks now and then. But rarely. And only at certain times. Usually when I’m with my boyfriend. But not all the time. I have broken down in front of him before. I like breaking down in front of him. He can comfort me better than anyone. I’d rather have break downs in front of him than when I’m by myself. By myself. I try to use my hands to clear my head. I try to beat the bad thoughts out. I haven’t done it in a few months cause I promised my bf I’d stop. It’s been hard. But I actually have a lot of self control. He promised me that he’d stop scratching up his chest. He hasn’t. He’s done it less. But. He did it twice after he promised he wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t have as much control as I do. Is that a symptom of his Aspergers?? Little emotional control?? I don’t know. I can’t talk him into getting help. He refuses. Flat out. He seems to be feeling better about us as a couple. We make it to a year and six months. He will be really confident in us. Because he hasn’t gotten that far with anyone. I really think he is the one for me. I think he is my soul mate. The one I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with. He feels the same. We even managed to compromise on the “kids or no kids” issue. We settled on one or none. And we will decide over time after the honeymoon. In about 5 years. Give or take a few months. He has to finish getting his degree first. *sigh* I’ve thought about doing video blogs instead of these long ass posts. But I don’t know. I like being expressive. But I feel like I can be more articulate in text format. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll go back and forth. Hmm

[bris-place]

I hate my job so much. That I am actually considering taking a job at amazon with my mom. Here's a list of pros and cons. Pros: 1) money money money 2) part time 3) benefits 4) set schedule Cons: 1) working with mom 2) hard work 3) distance So. Do the pros out weigh the cons? Or do the cons out weigh the pros?? I don't know. 😔😔

[bris-place]

I can't seem to keep with a diet. I can't cut anything out. Because I always go back. No it does not get easier the longer I go without. *sigh* I need to stop eating so much. I'm almost 130 pounds!!! I feel like I'm bordering overweight. It sucks. *sigh* maybe I should go to work with my mom..... idk... it'll give me more money... and it'll give health insurance... and the schedule is set.... but... I'll be working with my mom... it's hard work... is $12 usd an hour enough to live off of??? I don't know. Is it even worth it??? I don't know. I'm just so done with everything right now. I hate my job. I hate that I'm still living with my parents. I hate that I can't do shit about anything. I hate that I'm such a horrible worker. I hate that I can't do anything right. I hate that I am so me. I hate that I am so dependent on other people that when I can't lean on someone but hav to use my own strength I have a mental break down. I hate everything right now. *sigh*

[bris-place]

Both of my great grandmothers are nearing death. Only one is certain to die any time. Both could go this year. It makes me sad. I hate dealing with grief and death. It's not something I have had to deal with. I wish I had gotten more time with them. And I don't like the way my grandparents and my great aunts and great uncles are taking care of them. 😡 gran fell down. And then a week late had a heart attack. Between that time my nana decides to go north and let her sister, who just got out of knee surgery, to take care of gran and pawp. And we live hours away from everyone!! Please let us know how everyone is doing!! *sigh*

[bris-place]

lots of stuff is going on. kay broke her finger. aly is getting some sort of shot for her arthritis again.my grandma has epilepsie and the dr wants to take her off her med. which will happen around Christmas time. mom cant take any time off around then because that's busy season. school starts soon. sienor year. I think we are going to be tight on money this year.

[bris-place]

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  55,000원

[bris-place]

YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN!!!

YOU’RE A FUCKING PERSON AND EVEN IF YOU NEED EXTRA LOVE OR ATTENTION OR HELP, YOU STILL HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE THE BEST LIFE YOU CAN AND THOSE WHO LOVE YOU WILL WANT THAT FOR YOU!!! EVEN IF IT TAKES A BIT OF EFFORT!!! PEOPLE ARE BLESSINGS NOT BURDENS!!! INCLUDING YOU!!!

[bris-place]

So. I've been helping my dad with things around the house. And as much as u don't like working(manual labor) and sweating I actually enjoy helping him. Today I had to crawl around in the crawl space under the house. We were installing a dehumidifier and getting rid of mildew. It stormed last night. The whole area was a giant muddy mess. I got all dirty and ran into a few bugs and spiders. Once we finished it had started to rain again. So we went back inside. My sis who was helping us decided to take a shower. She took so long that dad had left for the store and came back before she got out. Dad never takes less than 30 min at the store. Even longer if he goes to the hardware store. So once she gets out dads getting started on dinner. I figure I'll just take a shower after we eat. We ended up eating fairly late. We had the tv on the whole time. I got caught up in the show. When dad decided he was going to go to bed mom had already gone off to bed. By then it was way to late for me to take a shower cause the only shower in the house is in the master bath. So I decided that to go to the half bath and wet a wash cloth in the sink and just wipe the dirt off my arms and legs and take a good shower in the mourning. Only thing. I feel like shit now for no reason. And I really want to cry. Again there is nothing that should be making me want to cry. Today has been a good day! It's been a really good day!! We got veggie out of the garden to eat with dinner! I had a good day!! But I just want to cry. Maybe I'm just tired. Does anyone else feel sad when they get too tired? Is that normal?

[bris-place]

concept: my eating patterns are normal. i am solid and present. my mind never leaves me in the middle of the day. i am capable of focusing and smiling. nothing is wrong.

[bris-place]

Food tracking ~ July 4 2016

Breakfast Special k cereal. Lunch Toasted sandwich Dinner Bbq chicken sandwich