brickwindowsandbrokenwalls

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The way this reminds me of Alaska.

Christmas Tree Aurora ©

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well.

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I miss

y

o

u

And there are times when everything reminds me of you.

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D

E

E

P

F

E

M

I

N

I

E

R

A

G

E

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Grief will find you where you're at

It will not wait, it will not stumble

It will walk right in, storming

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Reposting bc it gets more and more relative everyday 😐

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I feel like we keep missing each other. Stumbled upon this once again, and just had a flood of memories. Hope you're doing okay. - m

Ive been hoping id hear from you again. Surviving, not too bad. How have you been?

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The real issue isn't lack of healthcare access.

It isn't food insecurity.

It isn't violence.

It isn't poverty.

Its capitalism and white supremacy.

All of the prior are just the crippling side effects of the latter, and I wish more people knew that.

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Tw: unaliving, addiction & depression.

You would have been 44 today.

I wonder if we might have done anything to celebrate. I wonder if there would have been a party or if you were one of those people who didn't like big things like that on their birthday.

It's been 10 years since you left this plain, and I will always have a million questions.

Are you really all around us in energy form? Because that's what my brain tries to believe the most. But I question it. I wish I had that answer.

I wish that I could have had a chance to know you personally. The way I should have been able to - not just in the form of the biased stories from those who knew you before you left. I wish I could have just had one real conversation with you. One. It would have meant the world. But I will never get that. You never got that.

I hate the systems and the hatred that failed and destroyed you until you couldn't do it anymore. I hate that the people who SHOULD have been there for you werent. I hate that you were ever told you shouldn't have been as you were. That your very identity was " wrong " or " other ".

All the time, I wish I could tell you that I would have accepted you as you were. I would have been a safe space, an accepting space, including in the face of your addiction. I would have made sure you were taken care of.

And I know that I am your child, you probably would think, (or maybe not?) that it wasn't my "place" to take that on. But who else would have?

I don't know that it would have kept you from the deep end.. but the ache in my soul really does feel that it might have.

And even so, I couldn't have done a thing. It wasn't up to me. I was 15 and didn't know you. I wasn't permitted to know you. Looking forward to just 3 more years before I could meet you on my own accord. But that would never be. And part of me hopes that one day, I will get why things happened the way they did, if there even is a "why", and the other part of me wishes I could stop trying to figure out why.

Either way, you'll always be here, atleast in my thoughts. Fueling my fire, reminding me of the importance of acceptance and driving me to be someone who defends humanity in all its complex, tangled, beautiful, evolving forms. Because of you I choose to always hold genuineness and empathy at my core. So thank you.

Happy Birthday Julie 🎂

- 11:33pm. Forever wondering if I'm feeling the presence of your disembodied energy or my own grief.

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I love people. I love humanity.

Our different uniquenesses. Our perceptions. Our ways of life. The little and big differences in our everydays.

I love that some of us know and understand different things so deeply, while others know and understand other things so deeply, and sometimes we understand things deeply together.

I love that every single one of us, no matter how much alike we could be to another, will always be at least just a little bit different.

Humanity is an ocean and we are each a little drop that makes it up.

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The ghost of you is close to me

Im inside out

You're underneath

- Twenty One Pilots "Goner"

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Let's denormalize not caring being cool.

Let's denormalize "fuck your feelings".

Idk but whenever I see shit like that I just think "wow, yeah you're REAL cool." Cutting oneself off from human emotion in order to pretend that no one elses matter is some serious mental gymnastics.

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Can we pleeeeeaaassssssse do this? 🥺

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Tumblr was the first place I read the phrase

"Do the thing that scares you."

And I just want to say.

I was a teen when I first read that. And it's stuck with me ever since. It's been with me in dark times, and good ones too. It's what's always dared me to take the road less traveled.

To keep going when everything in front of me was unknown and/or terrifying. To keep traveling through madness, wonder and all of my deepest emotions.

This phrase is one that I live by.

When I had the deepest romances.

When I finally left my parents house.

When I chose to learn about my late parent.

When I found the love of my life (and the journey to that.)

When I stopped self harming.

When I decided to finally learn how to be fully me.

When I moved across the country.

It's because all of those (and many more) things scared me. And I chose to overcome fear with every damn one of them.

So, thank you.

And if you're reading this,

Do more of the things that scare you.

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And then one day it's been 10 years since you've been gone

And 23 since I last saw you

And I don't remember but I hope you did

I still feel grief like an ocean, and sometimes it hits me from nowhere

Sometimes I see it coming.

Mostly I don't know much about who you really were at all

But I wonder all the time.

It's weird, accepting someone after they're already gone, without having fully known them.

But you are part of who I am. You'll always be there, somewhere.

And all the parts of me that long to know

Who you would be today, just keep pushing to find you in the everyday.

With the choices I make. The way I see this world.

I know you were not okay, I know you were hurting and needed to be accepted completely.

It hurts to know the truth.

But you'll always be here in some kind of way.

And I can love someone I have never fully known.