briannas-story

[briannas-story]

Feel like crying rn.. I need this

[briannas-story]

Some may think my story is negative. My posts are based off of what I went through and currently going through. I don’t need sympathy, but this is how I’m healing. I’m healing by writing, sharing my feelings, expressing my pure thoughts, and gaining clarity of what is what. Understanding that my trauma is not a setback, but it will take someone special to love me throughout it all. I don’t want to focus on the negativity, but I don’t want to ignore that it’s what made me who I am today. I am strong, I am smart, and I sometimes have a hard time with loving myself. Growing up without an emotional connection has made me yearn for it. I’ve looked for love in all the wrong places. People think because I went to great schools and live in a nice area that I’m boogie. Nah. I’m thankful for the life my mother has provided for me, but in the other hand won’t apologize for not having less. People don’t understand how much I would have loved to have a normal family. Being kicked out all the time has truly affected me. It felt like I was an unwanted child and it has followed me into adulthood. I am needy sometimes. I don’t like getting close to people or telling them what’s wrong. I’ve done things because I don’t want people to leave. I don’t want to be abandoned. I don’t want to feel alone. Shit, that’s what got me raped. I was kicked out and thought he was a friend. I had no idea about sec at that time but woke up with him on top of me. Theee are things I’ll never forget but I think it’s important enough to talk about since I never do. I don’t remember much. I don’t know all that he did to me but before anything happened I couldn’t even leave so I’m not sure what really happened, how I didn’t fight to leave I just can’t remember. I went to the hospital the next day then to a gynecologist. I remember coming to work that same night like nothing happened. I had so much discharge.... like yo I felt so gross not even knowing what happened to me. I went home and told my mom I had to tell her something. She immediately thought I was pregnant and then she read the papers that I’ve been raped. She cried and hugged me. At that moment I knew she loved me but I hate that it took this to get that hug. Like I love affection so much now, but it’s so hard for me to say I want it. Sometimes I’ll fight the feelings away: A part of me died inside because I wanted to be a virgin until I was married. That did not last long. I had therapy right after but I couldn’t cope, so I had my first boyfriend. That was okay at first but I was really mean to him. He was not what I wanted so I took my frustrations out on him. I hated men at the time and I put him down a lot. We weren’t right for each other but it wasn’t right for me to make someone else feel bad because I’m insecure with my own self. Granted he was an alcoholic and somewhat forced me to do sexual things I do not think I was perfect. I think a part of me wanted him because he was like my dad. I hated my dad, so it was somewhat bittersweet in a weird way. Maybe a year later I met my second boyfriend. We did not last long but the affection side of things were nice. I remember being scared to kiss him. We held hands and saw each other frequently. We hugged. I remember not feeling good enough he would always talk about how he wished he had a different life and it made me feel like well since I’m here, I’m not what you want. I was very insecure then, but I think at that time he wasn’t able to really be the man I wanted him to be. I wanted someone supportive and someone who spoke highly of me and showed me how much he cared. I think without having a dad I seek that nurturing relationship from men, but it’s hard to find a sensitive man. I kinda need that. My dad was was really mean to me, my siblings, and my mom. When it come to men I am more sensitive because I’m not used to having anyone that has been a good role model in my life let alone love me: we have started talking again and idk I fell in love with him, but now things are different. I don’t feel important and all I do is cry now.

[briannas-story]

[briannas-story]

[briannas-story]

🙋🏾‍♀️

please— please come back...

[briannas-story]

i don’t understand it either, so how could you?

[briannas-story]

[briannas-story]

Smh

[briannas-story]

Seriously

I wish I could talk to someone without feeling like a burden

[briannas-story]

💝

for anyone that needed it today <3

[briannas-story]

Yo...

Pretending to be happy so I don’t hurt the ones I love is really hard. I’m tired.

[briannas-story]

💚❤️🧡💛

Hey, whatever drove you to your eating disorder, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Weather it was a fatphobic comment overheard during class, or bullying, or a “health” obsessed parent, or a society saturated in diet culture, or trauma, or anything else; I’m sorry.

You were wronged. You may never hear it from the people or things that influenced it, so hear it from me.

You deserve better.

I’m sorry.

[briannas-story]

Things you should not comment on:

someone’s weight

someone’s scars

how much or how little they eat

what type of food they eat

the validity of a POCs experience with racism.

the validity of someones (experience with) grief

the validity of someones (experience with) mental illness

whether they’re sure about their gender/sexuality/orientation

*These things? Are none of your business. If they want to disclose something to you they will, you do not need to pry.

[briannas-story]

Do you ever feel lonely but don’t want to talk to anybody?

[briannas-story]

if you need to hear it, then this is for you: forgive yourself for your regrets. you have grown since then, changed since then, and learned from your mistakes. you’re not the same person anymore, so here is your signal. it’s time to let the pain go.

[briannas-story]