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brendonatthepilots-blog · 6 years

Text

Thoughts

[the text is mine + sad information : my grandfather (i wrote my first text about him) sadly passed away after i posted the text]

This text will be long ...

In the emptiness of a moment we feel trapped. We feel different emotions, wait, can you feel them ? Can you feel your heart beating really fast as if it wanted to get out of your body ? Can you feel the tears coming into your eyes without being able to get out ? Can you hear the voices inside your head bringing you down ?

Stop…

A few seconds of silence…

Everything is silent and quiet. You look up at your ceiling, avoiding to look at your clock. Looking at it would only make you realize that you’ve been in bed for hours but you couldn’t fall asleep. You sigh and held yourself, trying to quiet your thoughts that are making your brain busy. You try to listen to some music to calm you down but it is not working so you decide to grab a notebook and write inside of it. You bit your lips to avoid the tears from falling and every now and then you shake your head as if it will push away the bad thoughts.

You look at the clock, 5am…

You have one hour left before having to get up to get ready to school. You decide to get up and get ready, it doesn’t even matter, you couldn’t sleep. You apply some makeup on so it could hide your sadness, but if you only knew… You put your favorite shirt on but no one will comment on it because no one cares.

You walk to school slowly, taking deep breaths every steps you take. You close your eyes before reaching to the door. You know that once this door is open, you will be completely alone and no one will be there for you. You finally walk in after a little while and see the faces of all the people you wanted to avoid. You don’t want to go but you have no choice so you walk to your first class. You fake a smile once you reach your classmates, saying hi and lying when they ask you how you are doing. You cannot tell them, they don’t care anyway…

You attend all your classes and at 6pm you are finally free so you walk out as quickly as you can. Tears are filling your eyes as you shake your eyes to prevent them from falling. You feel your heart tearing up slowly. You grab your headphones and decide to put some calm but sad music on. You get back home and rush to your bedroom so you can sit on your bed. You do so and close your eyes. It is dark, pure darkness but it is comforting. You feel nothing at that moment, everything is on hold. You have no one to worry about, no one to disturb the moment you had been waiting for. A sad smile form on your face, you waited for that moment all day long and it was finally there…

People start to scream in the hallway… You are not alone anymore…

You almost forgot that you are in a boarding school and that your roommate will arrive any time soon. They finally arrive, laughing and smiling widely so obviously you fake a smile and listen to them talking about their day. You feel the tears coming back into your eyes so you decide to take your shower. You take your clothes off slowly, feeling the cold air meeting your naked body and smiling softly as your body shivers. You wrap your arms around your waist and sigh softly.

You take a long shower but the water is not really hot. It is a mix of cold and warm water but it is quite pleasant. You close your eyes as you wash your hair and body. It is a quiet place. A place where you cannot hear anyone. You walk out after a little moment and take another deep breath. Your body feels the cold air but it is not pleasant anymore, you don’t like it so you hurry to the bathroom and put your pyjama on. You walk back into your bedroom and can hear your roommates laughing again. You fake a smile and grabbed one of your notebook so you can start revising your test.

One of your roommate has great abilities and can get very good grades without working too much, something you cannot do at all. You listen to her getting 19/20 in maths when your averages is at around 8. She will tell you how she thought that she failed that test and how she is amazed at the grade she got but all of this is now usual. It may be usual but it is still painful. You pretend that you are happy for her and high five her because what else are you supposed to do ? She had always been like this ever since you met her and you know perfectly that it won’t stop any time soon…

You have to go to eat but you are not hungry so you will force yourself to eat. You feel so fat and hate it but you feel like you cannot do anything about it. You stare at your food and sighed. It is disgusting just to look at it. You eat it slowly while listening to your roommates laugh and talking together. You aren’t really so talking or you laugh to hide all the pain that you feel inside. You try to pretend that everything is fine so people don’t worry about you too much. You bit your lips tightly, close your eyes and get lost into your thoughts. It is a safe place. It is calm and quiet, a place you want to go, a place you want to reach. You open your eyes again and look around. All you can see is people laughing and having a good time with their friends but the question is, are they really happy or are they faking it just like me ? Are we all similar but hiding it the same way ?

You have been showing signs a few times, showing your sadness and expressing some parts of it but no one truly believe it. No one really paid attention to what is going on. Sometimes, someone ask you if ou are okay but when you answer ‘yes’, they believe you and leave you alone.

At this moment, all you can feel is your heart being broken, the tears that are forming into your eyes and all the sadness that is crawling back in your body. You can still everything that had been said to you years ago, it is hurting as much as it did the first time that you started to be bullied. You can still remember perfectly the day when a guy called you a whore and a slut who keeps sucking dick in maths class, in front of the teacher but she said nothing and kept doing her class. The thing is, you have never sucked a dick before because you’re a lesbian and you’re still a virgin but since you have good grades, they think that you have relationships with teachers. They believe that their lies are true but they are far from being true, they are simply huge lies. You spent four years of your life being completely broken because you were bullied every day badly. You couldn’t express yourself since no one believed you since you didn’t self harm. Wait, are you supposed to hurt yourself to be considered as sad ? This is really sad, this society is really sad.

We all go to school looking like zombies. We all fake our own happiness since we all feel broken but some of us are really faking it and are banalizing the real struggles, real depression, real problems.

You remember perfectly the time when you felt better then a few days later you learned about your grandfather’s cancer. The grandfather who took care of you ever since you were born. The grandfather who saw you growing up and who treated you like a father. The grandfather who always supported you in every choice you took. You felt even more broken and couldn’t believe that someone so kind could be affected by such a disease. You remembered all the time you saw him smoking and saying to yourself, « nah, he will never be sick, he is so strong ! He will go through life without having it ».

You remember perfectly the time when he started coughing badly every time and when he was out of breath when he was walking for a few minutes. You remember the day when your grandmother took him to the doctor to check his lungs and you remember this Friday in November 2016 when you father came to pick you up from school and finally told you that your grandfather had a lung cancer. You remember each tears that came down your face. You remember perfectly the pain that you felt, your heart being torn apart one more time. He went through this quickly and you were really proud of him. You couldn’t believe how strong he was.

You celebrated his recovery with your family by travelling to Spain, his homeland, and having a beautiful weekend all together. You also remember when a few months later, in August 2017, when his voice started to change again. How his voice was weak, almost non-existent and how he was out of breath again. You remember him saying, « it is nothing, don’t worry, it is just my medicines, it’s new ones, I need to get used to them… » I trusted him. I believed him until he came back from the hospital and my mother telling me that he had a second lung cancer that was worst than the previous one. You remember that day perfectly, you was back from school on a Friday after a week away from home when your mom stormed into your room to tell you this bad news. You tried to stay strong when your mother told you about it but once she got out, you started to cry really badly. Your grandfather went through a full month of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. He made it one more time and you feel so happy and pray every night that he will stay healthy because he doesn’t deserve all of this. He doesn’t really.

Sometimes you lay down in bed and remember the few « friends » you had back in junior school. You remember all the people that pretended to be your friends and talked behind your back, who metaphorically killed you. You remember that girl you met during your last year of junior school and you were really close to her. You remember liking her a lot and even having a crush on her. You went to see her at the hospital when she attempted suicide and always took care of her because you knew that she had problems at home. You were so kind at her, you even gave her help so she could succeed in some subjects… But one day, you decided to confess to her what you felt and it wasn’t the reaction you hoped. She told you: « Stop pretending to be sad and broken okay ? You aren’t. People who really are, are the one who hurt themselves. They are the one who attempted suicide more than once. They are people like me and well… You are not like me ! ». And that’s when you realize how bad words can hurt someone. You remember that each words she said felt like bullets into your body. You couldn’t look into her eyes. You started shivering and tears got into your eyes, soon falling down your face. You ran to the bathroom and locked yourself inside. That’s when you started to wonder. Am I really sad ? Is all this pain real ? Is she saying the truth ? You felt so lost in your thoughts. You had no friends and the few friends you made at that time where toxic people.

You realize that each words that you wrote here aren’t even in a chronological order, you just write what you think about and it is very unorganized ( just like your thoughts ).

While you experienced all of this, you discovered a band while listening to some music on Youtube. The band is called Twenty One Pilots and you related a lot to their lyrics and music. You felt addicted to it. You loved it immediately and became addicted to them. You couldn’t stop listening to them because they helped you to feel better. Music was a sort of therapy. You started to play music everyday and sing for hours. You couldn’t stop, it was your way to heal. You needed this. Even though it is not easy everyday, music is helping you to stay strong and to try to hold on. You try to be more positive just by listening to voices singing their stories that are sometimes really similar to yours. You don’t feel that alone when they sing to you, late at night when you are not able to sleep. You even feel good and love to share a moment with them.

You, the person reading the text, you might be wondering who is the « you » here. The « you » is in fact myself, the author of this text and this is a part of my story. In the emptiness of a moment we feel trapped. We feel different emotions, wait, can you feel them ? Can you feel your heart beating really fast as if it wanted to get out of your body ? Can you feel the tears coming into your eyes without being able to get out ? Can you hear the voices inside your head bringing you down ? Stop…A few seconds of silence… Everything is silent and quiet. You look up at your ceiling, avoiding to look at your clock. Looking at it would only make you realize that you’ve been in bed for hours but you couldn’t fall asleep. You sigh and held yourself, trying to quiet your thoughts that are making your brain busy. You try to listen to some music to calm you down but it is not working so you decide to grab a notebook and write inside of it. You bit your lips to avoid the tears from falling and every now and then you shake your head as if it will push away the bad thoughts. You look at the clock, 5am… You have one hour left before having to get up to get ready to school. You decide to get up and get ready, it doesn’t even matter, you couldn’t sleep. You apply some makeup on so it could hide your sadness, but if you only knew… You put your favorite shirt on but no one will comment on it because no one cares. You walk to school slowly, taking deep breaths every steps you take. You close your eyes before reaching to the door. You know that once this door is open, you will be completely alone and no one will be there for you. You finally walk in after a little while and see the faces of all the people you wanted to avoid. You don’t want to go but you have no choice so you walk to your first class. You fake a smile once you reach your classmates, saying hi and lying when they ask you how you are doing. You cannot tell them, they don’t care anyway… You attend all your classes and at 6pm you are finally free so you walk out as quickly as you can. Tears are filling your eyes as you shake your eyes to prevent them from falling. You feel your heart tearing up slowly. You grab your headphones and decide to put some calm but sad music on. You get back home and rush to your bedroom so you can sit on your bed. You do so and close your eyes. It is dark, pure darkness but it is comforting. You feel nothing at that moment, everything is on hold. You have no one to worry about, no one to disturb the moment you had been waiting for. A sad smile form on your face, you waited for that moment all day long and it was finally there…People start to scream in the hallway… You are not alone anymore… You almost forgot that you are in a boarding school and that your roommate will arrive any time soon. They finally arrive, laughing and smiling widely so obviously you fake a smile and listen to them talking about their day. You feel the tears coming back into your eyes so you decide to take your shower. You take your clothes off slowly, feeling the cold air meeting your naked body and smiling softly as your body shivers. You wrap your arms around your waist and sigh softly. You take a long shower but the water is not really hot. It is a mix of cold and warm water but it is quite pleasant. You close your eyes as you wash your hair and body. It is a quiet place. A place where you cannot hear anyone. You walk out after a little moment and take another deep breath. Your body feels the cold air but it is not pleasant anymore, you don’t like it so you hurry to the bathroom and put your pyjama on. You walk back into your bedroom and can hear your roommates laughing again. You fake a smile and grabbed one of your notebook so you can start revising your test.One of your roommate has great abilities and can get very good grades without working too much, something you cannot do at all. You listen to her getting 19/20 in maths when your averages is at around 8. She will tell you how she thought that she failed that test and how she is amazed at the grade she got but all of this is now usual. It may be usual but it is still painful. You pretend that you are happy for her and high five her because what else are you supposed to do ? She had always been like this ever since you met her and you know perfectly that it won’t stop any time soon… You have to go to eat but you are not hungry so you will force yourself to eat. You feel so fat and hate it but you feel like you cannot do anything about it. You stare at your food and sighed. It is disgusting just to look at it. You eat it slowly while listening to your roommates laugh and talking together. You aren’t really so talking or you laugh to hide all the pain that you feel inside. You try to pretend that everything is fine so people don’t worry about you too much. You bit your lips tightly, close your eyes and get lost into your thoughts. It is a safe place. It is calm and quiet, a place you want to go, a place you want to reach. You open your eyes again and look around. All you can see is people laughing and having a good time with their friends but the question is, are they really happy or are they faking it just like me ? Are we all similar but hiding it the same way ? You have been showing signs a few times, showing your sadness and expressing some parts of it but no one truly believe it. No one really paid attention to what is going on. Sometimes, someone ask you if ou are okay but when you answer ‘yes’, they believe you and leave you alone. At this moment, all you can feel is your heart being broken, the tears that are forming into your eyes and all the sadness that is crawling back in your body. You can still everything that had been said to you years ago, it is hurting as much as it did the first time that you started to be bullied. You can still remember perfectly the day when a guy called you a whore and a slut who keeps sucking dick in maths class, in front of the teacher but she said nothing and kept doing her class. The thing is, you have never sucked a dick before because you’re a lesbian and you’re still a virgin but since you have good grades, they think that you have relationships with teachers. They believe that their lies are true but they are far from being true, they are simply huge lies. You spent four years of your life being completely broken because you were bullied every day badly. You couldn’t express yourself since no one believed you since you didn’t self harm. Wait, are you supposed to hurt yourself to be considered as sad ? This is really sad, this society is really sad. We all go to school looking like zombies. We all fake our own happiness since we all feel broken but some of us are really faking it and are banalizing the real struggles, real depression, real problems. You remember perfectly the time when you felt better then a few days later you learned about your grandfather’s cancer. The grandfather who took care of you ever since you were born. The grandfather who saw you growing up and who treated you like a father. The grandfather who always supported you in every choice you took. You felt even more broken and couldn’t believe that someone so kind could be affected by such a disease. You remembered all the time you saw him smoking and saying to yourself, « nah, he will never be sick, he is so strong ! He will go through life without having it ». You remember perfectly the time when he started coughing badly every time and when he was out of breath when he was walking for a few minutes. You remember the day when your grandmother took him to the doctor to check his lungs and you remember this Friday in November 2016 when you father came to pick you up from school and finally told you that your grandfather had a lung cancer. You remember each tears that came down your face. You remember perfectly the pain that you felt, your heart being torn apart one more time. He went through this quickly and you were really proud of him. You couldn’t believe how strong he was. You celebrated his recovery with your family by travelling to Spain, his homeland, and having a beautiful weekend all together. You also remember when a few months later, in August 2017, when his voice started to change again. How his voice was weak, almost non-existent and how he was out of breath again. You remember him saying, « it is nothing, don’t worry, it is just my medicines, it’s new ones, I need to get used to them… » I trusted him. I believed him until he came back from the hospital and my mother telling me that he had a second lung cancer that was worst than the previous one. You remember that day perfectly, you was back from school on a Friday after a week away from home when your mom stormed into your room to tell you this bad news. You tried to stay strong when your mother told you about it but once she got out, you started to cry really badly. Your grandfather went through a full month of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. He made it one more time and you feel so happy and pray every night that he will stay healthy because he doesn’t deserve all of this. He doesn’t really. Sometimes you lay down in bed and remember the few « friends » you had back in junior school. You remember all the people that pretended to be your friends and talked behind your back, who metaphorically killed you. You remember that girl you met during your last year of junior school and you were really close to her. You remember liking her a lot and even having a crush on her. You went to see her at the hospital when she attempted suicide and always took care of her because you knew that she had problems at home. You were so kind at her, you even gave her help so she could succeed in some subjects… But one day, you decided to confess to her what you felt and it wasn’t the reaction you hoped. She told you: « Stop pretending to be sad and broken okay ? You aren’t. People who really are, are the one who hurt themselves. They are the one who attempted suicide more than once. They are people like me and well… You are not like me ! ». And that’s when you realize how bad words can hurt someone. You remember that each words she said felt like bullets into your body. You couldn’t look into her eyes. You started shivering and tears got into your eyes, soon falling down your face. You ran to the bathroom and locked yourself inside. That’s when you started to wonder. Am I really sad ? Is all this pain real ? Is she saying the truth ? You felt so lost in your thoughts. You had no friends and the few friends you made at that time where toxic people. You realize that each words that you wrote here aren’t even in a chronological order, you just write what you think about and it is very unorganized ( just like your thoughts ). While you experienced all of this, you discovered a band while listening to some music on Youtube. The band is called Twenty One Pilots and you related a lot to their lyrics and music. You felt addicted to it. You loved it immediately and became addicted to them. You couldn’t stop listening to them because they helped you to feel better. Music was a sort of therapy. You started to play music everyday and sing for hours. You couldn’t stop, it was your way to heal. You needed this. Even though it is not easy everyday, music is helping you to stay strong and to try to hold on. You try to be more positive just by listening to voices singing their stories that are sometimes really similar to yours. You don’t feel that alone when they sing to you, late at night when you are not able to sleep. You even feel good and love to share a moment with them.

You, the person reading the text, you might be wondering who is the « you » here. The « you » is in fact myself, the author of this text and this is a part of my story.

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