boythirteen

[boythirteen]

I fell asleep!!!!! And something is happening in the bathroom with dirty water leaking and filling up the bathtub!!!!! I'll be back to tell you better things tomorrow. I am not yet awake and have to bail the water!!!!!

[boythirteen]

Now I feel overloaded but not scared. They are vomiting out the rotting things they have inside. They are flailing in their own foul hell. They don't blot out any light of ours.

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I just like this one :

I LOVE YOU.

[boythirteen]

[boythirteen]

As much as I can't believe in submission to God's will (because the God of my understanding makes no requirement of submission to itself), I am stirred by these poems.

These are better colors:

[boythirteen]

[boythirteen]

I found another jar of dimes to add to the big jar. All to say keep loving her meaning you. Imagine every single dime as an instance of the universe infusing my heart with love for you. My head hurts tonight so I will lie down now.

[boythirteen]

I forgot on side B the sexuality part is a minefield. This also goes on side A though.

[boythirteen]

SIDE A

I'm just starting the descriptions:

You are endlessly interesting to me. You radiate meaning. You have obvious parts and contradictory parts and deeply hidden parts. Surprise parts, naive parts, wise parts, shy parts, brash parts. Flirtatious ones, aloof ones. You are as smart as me. I don't mean that in a vain way. You have patterns that are innate and ones that twirl and leap out of bounds and others that are strictly timed that you orchestrate for reasons I've yet to understand. I know you and don't know. Your child part is big. You have a teenager part. You have a woman part. You are queer and not queer. Femme and butch and something else. You are curious and adventurous. You are on the go. I'm sure you have idle time but the impression you make is of a rushing blur more than anything static. Different things catch your eye—people, concepts, projects, art— and captivate you for stretches of time. You have collections you move through.

You create signs and wonders in my life. I don't know how. You make synchronicity happen, or the mix of us makes it happen.

You are doing this with me in your way that can feel inconsistent but is enduring. What I trust is that you never completely put me aside.

You attract me like no other. I want to eat you for lunch and dinner and breakfast and snacks. I think about doing this and am a quivering embodiment of rawness and am the sexiest boy alive.

[boythirteen]

These are the doubting thoughts that rise up in me when the live wire gets turned off or turned down too low. I feel it being turned down low. I don't think I did this because I wouldn't have known how. I think you did it or the universe did it. The following thoughts are the B side:(There are different beautiful thoughts on side A)

I think you feel entertained by my posts but can't have it mean that I am a full person. (I accept that I'm a virtual person tho)

I think my giving you gifts and attention is a burden to you because you feel obliged to respond. I think it is sometimes a begrudging feeling you have to like a dumb cat.

I want to feel loved because someone naturally loves me, not as payback for my having given love to them but as their true impulse. I think I make a mistake in thinking I can ask for this and have you naturally do it.

I think you think what does he want from me (in an exasperated voice) when I care so much about being noticed on select days like Christmas or my birthday when you did pay extra attention just not on the actual days.

The actual days matter to me as if I am a girl.

The measured doling out of love and attention can feel artificial, not like love but like meeting a quota or checking a box. It can feel like a rote habit and one I've acquired and helped to foster with my requirement of dailiness. And now I withhold my posts to prompt your reaction. It is a game, not a conversation.

I don't like behaving this way but don't know how to fix it

I don't know what you would write as your perspective on what has congealed between us, or what you wish would evolve in a new way, if you have hopes for us. I think it would be along the lines of he wants too much and isn't satisfied even if I try to give him what he asks for. I wish he would stop comparing my interaction with him to everything I do with everyone else. I wish he would stop attaching deep meaning to every single fucking thing.

My harshest, most negative impression is that you already have enough men to juggle and hang on your tree. You don't need a secret, unsocialized one who wants too much, and you haven't found the exact perfect one to be the singular one. You aren't really looking for such a one, but you are always open to finding a new trinket one to collect.

You could be thinking he already has Frances what does he need me for? Or why does it bother him that I have my man collection when he has her?

Maybe I think there's a hierarchy of your men and I'm not a high ranking one. Those are the ones who have birthdays and holidays. You are the Queen Bee in my hierarchy. (I wish he would stop comparing my interaction with him to everything I do with everyone else.)

Maybe you think if he's having all of these negative thoughts then why is he still here if he thinks everything is so bad. Because I told you there is side A.

What have I left out

What if sharing this is more than what a person does who wants to grow love. What if I want to grow love and don't know how to keep my thoughts to myself.

I can't believe the fires. I can't believe this world. I believe in relationships.

[boythirteen]

[boythirteen]

Let's listen to Norah Jones

[boythirteen]

Everything feels changed again. What I believe today is that you love me underneath but not on the surface. You have an instagram story I haven't looked at yet. Maybe it would inspire me to say something other than this. I am reactive and respond to what inspires me. Also I'm watching a movie called The Watchers that is scaring me. And I finished reading the book called Heaven that hurt more than I knew how to hold. Every day is a whole new chance to feel something else, though.

[boythirteen]

Let's read poems by Yeats.