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i just woke up from a vivid dream, and i hope i no longer have to feel the despair of seeing you in my dreams.

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i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i thought i was special. i never was.

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another day crying in every bathroom i walk into. oh, what is this if not the consequences of my own decisions coming back to haunt me? every day i find myself thinking about how everything happened, every choice i made to get here. there's no denying that everyone lives the life they deserve—i was born from an accident, and my innards have been exposed ever since. i've been adrift from the very beginning; the more space i carve out, the further i drift.

[i exist in an unbearable state of "i dont feel loved," and every attempt to satisfy this need in unhealthy ways turns into irrational and destructive behavior.]

he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not—did i steal your life, or are you trying to end mine? everything i touch falls apart before it even takes shape. i live in an endless dance between expectation and emptiness, my mental hell.

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Farewell

questioning my existence, questioning my decisions, questioning my ignorance.

i’ve been alone in this world for several long years now, with nowhere to escape. i'm still dealing with my own mess. dealing is different from forgetting.

i wonder how things could have been different; some people are surrounded by others, while some are just—and always will be—alone. bleeding alone.

i feel like a child interrupting an adult’s game, a tedious game, one that has no room for someone like me.

as a child, when i went through things i shouldn’t have, i would lock myself in my room for days, and my mother, feeling guilty, would pathetically leave food outside my door. my father always told me not to talk back to my mother when she made my life hell, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of who i am today. i don’t know how to express what i feel. i just feel an emptiness. emptiness forever. a forever child alone, unable to communicate with anyone. i never took a psychologist seriously; i always withheld everything because i was led to believe i had to be normal. my childhood is nothing but smudges; if i ever had children, i would lie to them. yes, i would lie so they’d never know someone could turn me into what i am today—a selfish monster.

i wonder when the stars stopped shining and the sky became a dark void. i wonder if, when God said to Cain, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?” Cain might have had a different interpretation. things seem obvious, but what is “obvious”? is what’s “obvious” to me “obvious” to you?

it’s good that you’re sorting out your life, but where does mine fit into that? i’m nothing but a burden being passed from hand to hand. and i don’t know how to carry burdens.

lift me quickly; i don’t want to sink. or throw me into a pit so the worms can feast on me. i can’t bear living like this anymore.

nobody NOBODY is able to deal with someone who grew up and continues to be neglected. nobody. if i could sign my euthanasia, you can be sure i would have already done it, and with all the love and care in the world, i would leave a letter for my 6-year-old niece, making it clear that life just wasn’t worth it for me, but i’m sure hers is :)

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we are messed-up kids lost in a world where we cry, and our mother doesn't see

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in a cheap hotel alone, breaking down in tears while listening to “when did it matter?”, a perfect soundtrack, i think of lilboweep and that i should have killedmyself.

u won the podium, took first place; u have just become the person who has said the cruelest things i’ve ever heard. i feel like the worst species on the planet, threatened with extinction. i just spent the night crying. devastated. i reread everything u said, feeling a curious sense of hopelessness, wondering how things will be fixed, curious about the words u will use to backtrack, and how long it will take for that to happen—until one day u do it again. i think it's easier for me to leave than for u to apologize for what u said. but know that when u do it again, it won't be my fault; this time, i take full responsibility, but i will never give up that satisfaction again. u can describe me using all the worst adjectives, but know that only until the day i can no longer look at ur beautiful face.

i drank three glasses of orange juice, the only thing i've consumed in three days. that's just so i have something to cry over in three minutes when i return to my pathetic room. i look at myself in the mirror from afar, a pathetic sight. im exhausted from crying so much. i look around, wondering if i'll end up like this. does life have in store for me horribly marked eyebrows, a few extra pounds, and this look of dissatisfaction in serving others? will i ever agree with my mother? will any of the wounds opened yesterday heal? i don't know what to do except break down in tears.

im overwhelmed, im not bad. everything i do is always for u. they are hating, they are waiting. and waiting for me not to be enough.

“im sorry for the tone of voice i used; i know it hurts both of us. maybe i wasn't the best listener because i was also angry. how did you feel? we wronged each other, and i want to apologize for how i handled it. can we try again?”

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u will not hear anything bad coming out of my cupid's bow, baby, nor will u hear me cry softly at the end of every night. u will not know about my pains, my sleepless nights, or my lack of appetite. u can be sure that u will not see me suffer until my soul comes out of my pores.

and one day u will miss myss scent, myss affection, myss silly stories, seeing myss light brown eyes turn red in the sun, or asking me to leave myss hair messy the way you like. and i won't be here anymore. until that day. anymore.

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my soul is a child with no trace of childhood, trapped in an adult's body. the world screams and beats me, and all i know how to do is hide and cry, like a fragile and frightened child.

i don't want nor expect apologies; i will apply my tactic of ignoring, placing it in the box of bad memories that already accumulate many, hoping it will be just one more among them, perhaps one i might forget. my tactic of non-resentment. my tactic of lovelessness.

[i will never forget the way you yelled at me like never before. i felt scared. i will never forget how "everything is my fault and all i ever do is look for someone to blame." i am paralyzed, while my mind echoes "he didn't mean that."]

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i hate your harsh and dry tone. i hate your ignorance and lack of intelligence. i hate your disrespect towards me. i hate your lack of sensitivity and interest in me. i hate how you deceive me to keep me close. i hate that, for you, everything is about appearances, and no one knows how awful you truly are. i hate that you raised me by showing me how not to be - and because of that, im so good. i hate your stupidity. i hate your repugnant and most selfish habit of smoking around others (like, who the hell does that?). i hate how you never acknowledge any of your mistakes, and i hate even more knowing that will never happen. i hate your customs and how, in your mind, "your way" is always right. i hate that you're a liar. i hate the fact that you ruined my peace life because you want. i hate that you will always be the same, that you only care about money and appearances, and you are incapable of seeing what is really important.

one week with you, and i remembered why i left. one week with you, and i lost the will to live. one week with you, and i lay crying, recalling how many times, as a child, i wished to die while listening to you on the phone. one week with you, and i wonder how God made me so weak to still be here and never be able to rid myself of you. one week with you, and i can't believe im your daughter. one week with you, and i ask myself again: why did you do this to me?

your pathetic life doesn't justify you stealing mine. but you did. you still the same person, the same one who dragged me down. why? does it make you happy? do you sleep peacefully? are you angry that im not like you? should i be grateful that you made me? i absolutely hate that im like this.

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wake up and the first thing that crosses my mind is, "i need to stop being pathetic and do something”, just like you said that day we argued. and so i get up, in a failed attempt not to fail (absolutely pathetic) throughout the day. and i always fail; i can never be present and give my all because, no matter what i do, in my mind it will always end the same way: failing.

i have no perspective on life, i don't know what's coming next, and i'm just a girl waiting for it to "arrive." there are just many thoughts; i'm probably torturing myself with something i heard or saw (or worse: something they had the "sensitivity" to spare me from – AND I ALWAYS KNOW) and brooding over every sentence i've ever said in my life. it's desperate. should i give up therapy? why do i keep trying to do something? why do i continue to be a burden? couldn't i just be normal?

i lie down and could close my eyes and ask god to let me fly far away, but honestly, i close my eyes and beg him to let me sleep and take me away from this psychological torment, so that the next day, i wake up and have the chance to have a good day – that's pathetic and both things have something in common: they're impossible. upon waking, the hope of a new beginning instantly dissipates, with a vicious cycle of anguish & hopelessness.

i wish i could shrink until i become a grain of sand, just an atom, without any feelings, wandering around, letting the wind carry me, not knowing where. and there are days when i even feel like that, that i am so small that the whole world is swallowing me while i am paralyzed. and it's brutal.

it's brutal living like this.

..~[even if i try to believe in some possibility of change, the truth is that i constantly sit at the edge of the abyss. i reflect and the efforts seem useless, each attempt dissolving into nothingness. maybe i'm destined for this spiral of failure; it's my curse, my abyss.]

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all i see is purple, the darkest shade of blue

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when does everything go back to normal?

never?

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i feel anger. can i? anger that burns and sears, creating hell in my head. anger because the world is selfish, and i am part of this world, and so are you. but the difference is clear: i blame myself for everything (everything) while you blame me without hesitation. you dont mince words, you cut like a razor on my skin, and me? i would never be able to do the same. haha

i feel anger because, even knowing that i did nothing wrong (-or i did?-) , i am blaming myself. you were the one who erred, but i am the one falling to pieces, without an apology, without a word. i feel anger for feeling anger about this. (so, can i feel anger for this? you would say no!) but i feel anger (why?) for waiting for an apology that might never come. i feel anger. can i?!???!!? and i dont fucking care (-but i care), because you were mean to me when i was literally trying my best.

i feel anger (i have this right?) for being so foolish, for putting you first again, thinking that you are not well. i wasn’t well either, but who cares? (who?) and i will say more: if you came to talk to me, i would probably forgive you in the very same minute.!! right!

i feel anger -truly- because of my insomnia, because of the hunger that never comes, because of the anxiety that is eating me alive. anger for feeling this way. i am like this. i never unloaded my grievances on you and disappeared. i would never have done that. but you did. in a cruel, cowardly, and rude way. (but maybe i deserve it, right.?!)

i feel anger (?!!)) for not having a place in the world where i can cry, for not having anywhere to go. i feel anger for not having someone to talk to. and i just want to cry, its been days that i just want to cry. i am falling apart. i feel anger. (can i feel anger?!)

and, deep down, i wanted to say the opposite but it echoes in my head that you wouldn’t think twice, you would abandon me – again.

can i feel anger!? can i feel anger!? can i feel anger!?

is this fair?

i feel anger while they say “you knew.” did i know?

[borderscreaming]

was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret? was i a mistake in your life? am i your regret?

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i feel weak, im fragile

my hands are too small, my chest feels tight, and i cant say a single word without shake and my voice break.

i feel my bones contracting beneath my skin, so closely. i can feel each one of them.

im weak.

im hurting my body because my mind is so freaking disconnected.

im scared, yes.

i live with this, i live like this.

my mom always said i was rebellious when i was 7 years old and ran and cried around the house while shouting "i didnt ask to be BORN".

and then, i was BORN.

weakness, feebleness.

i also feel so ashamed and pathetic.

im fighting a loss-fight. was i born to be a fucking LOSER?

and i feel for them, i try, but i cant be normal. im weak.

its visceral. bones, blood, skin. atoms. particles. everything, is all contaminated.

im so so so so so so sorry =)

again, i repeat: i didnt ask to be born.

and, at least, not like this.

[borderscreaming]

"is there ever a need to k— oneself in order to live?"

at some point u have to k— yourself to live