My name is Meghan, I am 20 years old. And I suffer from BPD. And this is my public diary.
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Feb 24/19
family is a weird thing if you ask me. they are the people you love the most and yet the ones that push your buttons in just the right way. they push and push and push and then when you finally break and lose it they act like you are the crazy one. my family doesn't understand me. never has. never will. they only seem to make things worse when im upset. I don't think its intentional but its still super annoying.
its annoying to be in a deep dark place and all you want is the tiniest bit of comfort and you just can't seem to find it. its like a newborn baby just wanting a cuddle, but someone left a porcupine to take care of it. no one understands me. im coming to learn that all I have is myself. and I can't count on anyone else for shit. all they will do is disappoint or hurt me. they don't understand the constant thoughts in my head, the emptiness, the dissatisfaction, the living from one meltdown to another. no one will ever understand.
I better just get that through my head now, it will save me a lot of time later on. what is the point in all of this? life? for me to suffer day in and day out? I wonder all the time what the fuck the point is. why I bother. hardly seems worth it. i wonder how I even managed to get through the day before I started smoking weed and drinking. how did I manage the demons and darkness in my head? I guess I have never handled anything that well to be fair.
there is so much anger and pain built up inside me and it seems to overflow and boil out of control over the smallest of things. when I think about people or events from my past I get overwhelmed with emotion. and help is hard to find. especially for the borderlines. we are a unique breed. like the pit bulls of the mental health world. told we will never get better. a by product of our shitty up-bringing. just a bunch of overthinking freaks who can't control their thoughts and emotions. doomed to a lonely life filled with emptiness and pain.
I want more. I want the old me back. the type A person who stuck to a routine like superglue. a person who found joy in the everyday. but that person doesn't exist anymore. she was drowned in abuse and mistreatment. left to try and swim in quick sand. thats what everyday feels like. quick sand. like im giving my everything but its only dragging me deeper and deeper.
I read a statistic once that 80% of people who suffer from BPD will attempt to actually commit suicide at one point in their lives. I wish more people thought about this and thought about it deeply. this statistic would surprise most, as it should. but it doesn't surprise me. because I feel that 80% lingering over me every moment of everyday. I feel how close I am to that edge everytime I have a meltdown. and you wonder how much you can be pushed and pushed and pushed before you crack. before you let every evil thought the BPD has feed you become reality.
I can't speak for all people who suffer from BPD but suicide is kinda like the secret answer to all the problems. about to loose your job? who cares, you can just kill yourself. about to make a horrible financial decision? its fine, you can just kill yourself. my own brain has told me to kill myself more than any person ever has. my brain has done more harm to me than any person ever will. and thats sad yet oddly comforting.
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Feb 10/2019
These long night shifts give me lots of time to think. I think about everything I hate in my life, everything I am dis-satisfied with, everything I failed to accomplish during the light hours, every plan I made and then did not fulfill . When I am at work is when I am the least satisfied with my life outside of work. I wonder why that is.
I wonder why failure seems to be the only thing I am good at. I wonder why I won't allow myself to do better. I wonder lots. Its like my brain never stops. Thats why I love being high or drunk. Because it helps calm the background noise in my head. Once I get home I don't want the thoughts to take over. So I get drunk or high as soon as I can and then I eat whatever my body craves at that moment. Maybe its the substances that are blocking me from accomplishment. Maybe if I let the thoughts happen then they would lead me to better things and a better life.
What is a better life though you may ask. I wish I fuckin knew, Life always had a next step for me. And then after I got college and my career sorted out I had no fucking clue what was next. And I still don't. I have some ideas, maybe id go back to school, maybe id meet someone special, maybe id finally stick to a routine like I always wanted.
I have been able to stick to a routine before, but not for very long.I don't know why my brain connects having a good solid routine in life with success but it does. and when my thoughts are at their worst, its normally surrounding my inability to stick to a routine. It never sticks for long. I don't know why, maybe the hint of anorexia I was suffering with at the time gave me something to live for.
Its weird how sometimes the things that you are living for are the things that are killing you. Jobs, hobbies, relationships, habits, etc. Being anorexic gave me something to think about, something to put my time into, something to accomplish. Once I saw the numbers on the scale go down and saw the side by side Instagram pictures getting more and more drastic in differences, it was hard to stop. Hard to not feel guilty about every single thing I ate. And for someone like me, guilt turns into extreme self hatred. Even if the 200 calorie serving of pirogies was all I ate that day, I still wanted to vomit at the thought of my fat self ingesting them.
But I failed at being anorexic too. I did it for awhile, lost a good amount of weight, and then something happened. I don't remember exactly what it was. Probably a break up of some sort or major life change. And thats the pattern with me. I get SOME motivation or SOME success
Once 1 little tiny thing happens I immediately shut down and go back to square one. heres what square 1 looks like for me: no routine, no goals, no real plan other than when I'm working next, eat like shit, no exercise what so ever, no self care, no hygienic care, lots of drinking or smoking weed to fill the time and calm the racing thoughts. just floating by. I am surviving. And somedays I don't even want to do that.
Ive read a lot online about BPD. And I think I've come to the conclusion that it will be this way forever. well parts of it. some I hope will go away. but the ones I hate the most will stay. forever. my happiness will forever be in cycles. my happiness will forever be influenced by the bullshit my brain is manufacturing. my happiness will forever be dependant on the relationships I have with people (or lack of). my happiness will forever have a cloud of deep depression and self hatred lingering over it. and this isn't any normal depression. this is deep depression. you can feel the pain and unhappiness deep inside of you. as if it is a part of you that you can never get rid of. like an ugly huge hate filled scar but instead of the world seeing it, only you do. it takes your soul, your will to live, your hopes and dreams, your relationships, your sanity, everything. It will stop at nothing to ruin everything in your life. and you are expected to keep it all under control, to contain yourself and your emotions, to carry on even when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to just give up. it turns you into a completely different person. I used to be someone so completely different.
I used to be a use perfectionist. and at heart I still am. I have high expectations and rules I believe everyone should follow. I will never live up to the expectations in my head. I never have and I never will. because even if I have the most wonderful day anyone could ever imagine; I follow every rule, every expectation and every plan, it will never be enough. I will not follow it strictly enough, I will do it in the wrong order, I could have done better, etc. I will never be enough for myself. And you'd think I would at least try, but I don't. because the pressure to be what my brain wants of me is so great it may kill me.
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Oct 22
My ex, the one I just broke up with, wants to get back together. He says he made a big mistake. Which he did. And I do miss him. But I finally got to a point in my life where I am happy and I am okay with being single. I don't know what to do...
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Oct 19
This is the longest I have been happy. I don’t know if maybe it’s just a good few days, but I feel so good. I want to get up, I want to work, I want to live my life, I can see a future, I want to live. I feel almost no depression. And I haven't felt that in many many years. But I feel amazing. I don't ever want this feeling to go away.
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October 15
Something amazing happened to me today. I did something I've never done before, I realized my worth and I stood up for it. My boyfriend was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated. He was going to move far away and we had both not seen a way to make it work. Another reason he wanted to end things was that he is involved with the church now, and I am “not church-y enough”. But in the end, I am who I am and I was not willingly to change who I am. I didn't stand for the mistreatment and the expectations. In the end, we broke up. But the reason I am happy is normally I would do anything and everything possible to maintain my relationship, even if I didn't really want the relationship. Because I just don't want to be alone. This is a symptom of my disease. But I did not do that this time. I realized my worth and I stood up for it. And it felt freeing. It felt like I had control, and I never feel like I have control. I always feel helpless to my life, my situations and ,most importantly, my disease, But this time, I took my control back from my disease. I know I will be better off. I have so many exciting things happening in my life right now. I just graduated college, I got an amazing new job with amazing new people. I couldn't be happier. And for once in a very very long time, I want to live. I am excited about my new life. I want to enjoy being single, and creating my life and figuring out who I am as a person. And I want to wait awhile until getting into my next relationship, and I will only get into a relationship when I am ready and I meet the right person. I am looking forward to happiness because I haven't felt real happiness in a long time...
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July 31
What hurts the most is that I feel like you don't care at all. You say your just holding it but I have ALWAYS been the one to put in more effort. And then I'm the one sitting there crying and trying to make things better. And you just gave up. on me. on us. and it hurts so much because it feels like you don't care. it hurts even more that this is the third relationship IN A ROW to end like this. with me trying and them just giving up, maybe there's something wrong with me...
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I am cheesy. I believe in love and I believe in happily ever afters. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And I truly thought this relationship would work. I thought we would date and have a summer romance and then you'd leave and I would come with you and our lives together would have just started. But that's not the direction this has been heading. We argue. And when we do its bad. And to be 100 percent honest, I don't know if I am ready to give my life and my future to a relationship that I'm not even sure will last... I believe in fate and signs. And to be honest, I think our lives are going in 2 different directions. I like you so much and I really really wanted this to work. But I am not at a point in my life where I am ready to change the course of my life over a relationship. I'm so sorry..
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May 15
1) Do you regret sleeping with me that day? 2) do you feel as if your friendship is moving backwards or forwards? 3) I get the feeling that when we have arguments you feel as if the argument is mostly my fault, is this true? 4) do you feel that our friendship is equal in us giving and taking ? 5) I feel as though you want to be friends conditionally. Is this true ? 6) I am afraid of telling you what I really think because I have to work with you and I don't want to make it awkward when we have to see each other. 7) if given the chance to go back to the beginning of our friendship, would you change anything ? 8) what would you do/say if I didn't want to be friends anymore?
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May 14
I can't be friends with someone like you. You are selfish, you are immature, you don't take any responsibility for your actions, you don't think about how your actions effect other people, you think everyone else but you is wrong. You can't even say sorry when I'm sitting there crying, you dont even have the fucking decency or common sense to say your sorry.You take me for granted. I do a lot for you. But our friendship has become a one way street. You take more than you give but you don't even try to make it even. Your just okay with taking and taking and taking and never giving back. And our entire relationship has been on your term. You make the decisions and you just expect me to go along with it and if i don't then I'm a bad person. You decided we were “casual” you decided we weren't fucking anymore, you decide when we hangout, you decide when its okay for me to talk to you, you decide when the conversation is over. Well I'm making the decision this time. I don't want to be friends with you. I can't be friends with someone like you.
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May 12
I have never felt so rejected. I have never felt more unwanted. It started with “i don't want a relationship, this is casual” then it turned to “i think it would be better if we didn't fuck anymore”. YOU STARTED THIS. You cuddled up to me that night and fucked me. I don't think you want us to move forward with our relationship (whatever kind of relationship that may be) i think you want us to move backwards. I'm more angry that you made the decision for us. you never asked me what i wanted or thought of me. you were selfish. and a terrible friend. and i don't know how i can keep someone like you in my life
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Apr 5
I don't know how you can except to be friends. I don't know why you even came on to me, why you fucked me that night if you didn't really want this. You've been looking for a way out of this ever since this started. Anytime things got hard you just wanted to stop. “Lets just be friends then, lets uncomplicated things”. Little did you know that you were the one who complicated things. I asked for clarification to uncomplicate things. You have always been the one to get your way. It your way or the highway. Theres no give and take balance here. My biggest fear has always been that I would let someone in, and that it would scare them or they would leave. And that is exactly what happened here. And instead I've turned from someone who you had some reason to be consistent with, to someone who you want to fuck out of your own convenience. You want it when you want it, not when we want it. You don't want whats “best for us”, you want whats best for you. I don't think i can be friends with someone like that....
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Feb 21
It’s unlike me to not care. To not wanna fix things. But I have no want to deal with things let alone fix them. And to make things better, it’s midterms this week. I can’t have a mental health day. Not until Friday. Hopefully I make it through without breaking down.
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Feb 20
I think one of my biggest flaws is being too forgiving. I give people too many chances. As a result, I find myself getting hurt emotionally a lot. I feel as if I’m falling into the same pattern with you. I have brought up many times the fact that I find you get angry or get rude over little things or sometimes over nothing at all. And all I want it to give you another chance cause thats what I do, thats who I am, I am forgiving. But the thing is, i’ve given you chances. Quite a few. Alot. And nothing has changed. And I keep thinking that you deserve another chance. But I feel walked all over all the time. I feel unimportant. Nothing changes. I don’t think it will honestly. Normally i would give you “just one more chance”, but I’m drained. I don’t have the emotional energy to continue with this. I think your chances are up.
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