boomerwrites

[boomerwrites]

When I was a kid I always thought of myself as an adult. My hair would be long enough to be in a fishtail braid, I would be skinny enough to wear long skin tight dresses to work in an office helping children, teaching them that they are enough and helping them through struggles. I pictured living in a small house with the love of my life, a dog and a Huge backyard where I would host barbecues for family and friends every weekend. I pictured myself waking up going to the gym, coming home making breakfast and drinking coffee on the front porch as the sun rose to start the day. Iced coffee on the way to work with a huge smile on my face.

I never had doubts that this would be me and I made sure everyone knew. Why wouldn't it? Then reality kicked in.

I am turning 22 this year I have been in two different programs and didn't finish either of them. I have gained weight instead of losing it. My hair isn't long enough for a fishtail braid. Any gym membership i have ever had went untouched. I am so far in debt that I will never be able to buy a house and at 21 I finally found a nice partner to share my life with and he comes with two kids.

My life is not at all what I thought when I was 15. But I am starting a new program this year, one I am super confident about. My hair looks great curled and down. I have started eating healthier and living a more active lifestyle and have already lost 10 lbs. I look damn good in leggings and a T-shirt. I have started paying off my debt and just got a new apartment with the love of my life and his two beautiful children that have won their way into my heart. It is nowhere close to what I imagined it would be...it's better. Through the ups and downs I have made a great life for myself and I cannot wait to see where it takes me!

Keep waiting it all works out.

[boomerwrites]

My heart cried out for you that day as it knew you weren't coming back. You were finally in love, something you always talked about. You finally had someone you can see the rest of your life with. I smiled as I wished you the best. You thanked me for everything, that's what friends are for right? I say as I walk into the night. Friends, a word I have come to hate. How can I stay friends when the thought of you and I keeps me up at night and all I can do is cry because you say I am like your sister and you won't let us try? You are finally in love and I am so proud but damn I feel like without you now I may drown.

[boomerwrites]

Daily Reminder

I am no longer the person I was a year ago. Some people like to say "you've changed" and I like to smile at them and say "I grew." I worked through challenges people wouldn't even be able to imagine, and I got the help I needed to start feeling better. I started writing again, I got a new place, new friends and new goals. Better goals. I continue to grow each day. I went back to school and back to therapy. I now get out of bed EVERY day not just once or twice a week. Do you want to know what my favourite part is? I am happy. not the type of happiness where you smile in a picture but the type that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. The type of happiness that pushes me to continue to better myself and be the best version of possible. I lost myself and In doing so I was able to find an even better version of myself. Was it hell? Yes, it was! was it worth it? Also worth it.

So if you are currently going through life lost and not knowing what's coming next let me tell you from experience it does get better and once it does you'll look back and know as hard as it all was and as much as you didn't deserve all that suffering and pain it was so worth it. Hang in there Kings and Queens. <3

[boomerwrites]

My biggest fear happened today. I let myself become vulnerable with you. I had an attack in front of you, something I can normally stop. I never wanted this to happen and I was so scared to show you this part of me. A part I've been dealing with for a couple years. It terrifies me knowing you've now seen this side of me and I have no idea if you will stay. And honestly I don't blame you.

[boomerwrites]

Your voice is the melody that plays in my dreams and runs through my veins giving me life with everything you say

[boomerwrites]

I am madly in love.

The type of love that you never expected. The type that sneaks up on you. Breaking down all my walls and showing me a whole new way to love. I have never fell this fast for anyone but I do know I am so happy that it was you I fell madly in love with because I wouldn't want it any other way! Heres to so many years together making so many memories together. I love you.

[boomerwrites]

A smile on my face I go about my day. "You're too nice" is what I hear everyone say. I know that they're right I'm as nice as they come. I will be the warrior fighting for someones good name, i'll run in with no armour, no experience, no sword, to prove I would do what it takes to make sure they're okay, with no worries about how many times I get hit by their own blade. With scars on my body, blood dripping down my face I'll smile and say "they're just having a bad day."

My blood will shed for everyone I meet, making sure they're great before taking care of me. Like a mother bird chews up food for her babies, I get a taste of the good before giving it away, then look in the mirror and say I'll be okay.

"No" isn't a word my vocabulary likes, it burns my mouth with a bad taste as it comes out because why should they like me if I can't like myself? So I will give and I'll give till I am all out of breath lying on the floor beaten, heart barely pounding in my chest.

I'll still have that smile though because I know I gave it my all for everyone to know I would never let them fall. I'd probably use my last breath to laugh because they were right. There are many instances I am in fact a little too nice.

[boomerwrites]

Re-reading our old messages while my heart yearns for your touch. The laughter we shared, the pictures we took and the millions of times you said i was worth so much just to make sure i never forgot. Lying here tonight staring at the moon wondering if you are too. If the thoughts of us are rushing through your head like they are in mine. You feel so far away and i'm left wondering where you went. I love you so much and at this moment I wish i could hear you say it back.

[boomerwrites]

New Beginnings are scary. I keep saying this over and over to my best friend on the phone. Finding excuse after excuse to not try something new.

New beginnings are scary. Lots can go wrong, what if he leaves, what if i walk too close to the flame of his burning love he says he has for me and it turns out he is cold.

New beginnings are scary. What if i flunk out of school. I try my best just to find it wasn't enough. I go the extra mile but the marathon was too long to keep up.

New beginnings are scary. What if i'm not as good as i thought, should i stay where i am or let myself take the drop.

They say "but what if you fly" but I cant help but notice when i look in the mirror i don't see any wings just a scared little girl scared to begin.

New beginnings are scary. I said it again, and my best friend said when i'm ready then I can try again, she said be true to yourself not who others want, and if waitings what's best then do what you want. I will love you regardless if you fall or you fly, new beginnings are scary but I will be here once you try.

[boomerwrites]

I saw the look in his eyes and it was a look I didn't recognize. It wasn't happy but it wasn't sad. It was the type of look you give someone when you want to be with them forever... I don't know what scared me more the fact he wanted to be with me forever or that i didn't.

[boomerwrites]

I lay down at night and listen to my heart beat...the rhythm it plays is a symphony of heart ache, pain, joy, happiness, memories and most importantly it plays a symphony calling your name.

[boomerwrites]

““Dear Life, I am slowly falling in love with you again” - Conee Berdera”

—

[boomerwrites]

When the sunshines in my window each morning, my cat jumps on the bed pawing at me to get up. I smile and think to myself how wonderful life is that the sun is shining and I’m alive. The day continues, coffee, work, dinner and then there’s a shift. Whether it be the air was different at night or maybe my mind didn’t like the dark, but when the sun went down my mind went insane. Am I good enough? Will I ever be loved? Do I deserve to be where I am? Constant questions that never want to stop, my head floods with these thoughts of hatred and anger. All towards myself and who I’ve become because how could someone like me ever deserve to be happy?

Then I met you. The sunshine to my nights. You told me it was going to be okay, you wiped away my fears and brought light where I thought there would only ever be dark. Although the darkness is here and still in the way your light mixed with mine will make night feel like day.

[boomerwrites]

I Love You....but god, you're difficult sometimes

every bf i ever had 

[boomerwrites]

and just like that, she knew who she was with him, is not who she wanted to ever be

boomerwrites