bonelesscalss

[bonelesscalss]

once i find her it's over for everyone

[bonelesscalss]

[bonelesscalss]

I binged on the absolute most random fucking shit last night. my appetite has been screwy lately (which I both like and don’t, I don’t like it bc i haven’t lost any fucking weight)

so anyways I actually had an appetite last night and wanted to eat just to fucking eat n I feel so fucking gross. I don’t typically binge like that and haven’t in a long time

[bonelesscalss]

8:54 AM

[bonelesscalss]

that same girl made fun of me abt my ED in front of her cousin and her then bf (now husband)

[bonelesscalss]

also I do want to say,

if you have an ED, you know exactly what NOT to say to someone else who also has an ED.

this is mostly for people who have family members or friends with ED’s and they make comments about your ED

OR for people who ARE the ones that make the comments to disordered people who didn’t ask, you know what you’re doing!

[bonelesscalss]

I think I’m lowkey kind of a bad person and you guys can judge me all you want for this bc I judge myself quite a bit !!! it’s not ok!!

so, I had one irl friend who had an ed a few years ago and our friendship lasted short (only a couple month n we just kinda drifted apart, not a lot in common w one another)

but those couple months, we did get close.

however, she lowkey was my irl motivation and she was MY FRIEND. n I felt so guilty abt it, she was a lot smaller than me. then I got to abt her size then skinnier then ended up gaining almost all of it back now lol

ANYWAYS getting to the part where I feel like I really am a bad person (if that wasn’t enough, but ya know how ED’s can be very competitive and w her, we’d just lowkey vent to each other abt disordered thoughts n stuff but not like anything more than that HOWEVERRR she asked me TWO SEPARATE TIMES how much I weighed when I was losing weight fast and um that’s not cool?)

Ok now I’m getting to the part lol

ANYWAYS SHE IS NOW HEAVILY PREGNANT AND THE PIC I SAW OF HER ON FB THE OTHER DAY, I NOTICED IT LOOKED LIKE SHE GAINED QUITE A BIT AND MY STUPID ED MIND WAS FUCKING HAPPY.

I feel awful bc no I shouldn’t be happy about that????? I thought I was over that??? ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE IS PREGNANT N I HAVENT SEEN HER IRL IN A MIN LIKE WHY AM I STILL HAVING THOSE THOUGHTS ABT HER ):

I feel like a disgusting person. I feel really bad to even feel this way even though I know it’s so wrong. gosh idk dude my mind is very ugly sometimes ):

[bonelesscalss]

so my bitchass weighed myself for the first time in awhile n im 128.2

I believe it tho /:

but honestly kind of insane considering I rarely fucking eat

[bonelesscalss]

ed thoughts r bad again

my mind has been decently good in terms of the ed in comparison to me at my worst

but now my stomach looks so awful to me ): the scar is so big n my tummy is misshapen and ugly n I look huge :::::)))))))

[bonelesscalss]

but at the same time I’m not really losing weight lol but I’m not that mad about it but still like I barely fucking eat n sometimes if I do i just throw it up bc it made me nauseous

[bonelesscalss]

eating lately has been extremely difficult and makes me sick sometimes when I eat

[bonelesscalss]

my ed has been very weird lately …

so I lowkey feel like I’m somewhere in between recovery and not at the same time somehow but this may just be perceiving this completely wrong

I haven’t been obsessively focusing on my ed or ed at all so that’s what I mean on the recovery part, and it just kinda came outta nowhere without me trying super hard?

yetttt on the same hand, my hunger cues and digestive system has definitely had a part in this bc I’ve had little appetite lately (for a few weeks or so idk)

and I am actually so pleased with it and most the time when I eat now, it’s only so I don’t feel fucking sick bc my hunger cues have been not working well

and then it makes me feel kinda nice though but im trying not to fall into my bad Ed habits again bc of it so I’m just taking this as a win and leaving it at that while not weighing myself or bodychecking and falling down back into my old habits

however idk where I’m at with this stuff it’s so weird

[bonelesscalss]

"OH WOW GUYS! I just found out [basic nutrition knowledge that promotes weight loss] i had no idea this is awesome omfg share this tip with others!!!!"

I'm tired

[bonelesscalss]

why I lowkey been kinda skinny lately…………………….

the strong urge to weigh myself but I’m not going to bc ik I’d lose it (my mind, bc it probably isn’t going to be as low as I think it’ll be)

I haven’t weighed myself in a while

but I’m wearing leggings and a somewhat fitted shirt today and I look actually slim???????? gosh I am actually kinda happy w how I look in my clothes today ????

[bonelesscalss]

literally who tf said this …. They are a LIAR

“ive had an@ for 5+ years and ive never binged before”

my honest reaction :

[bonelesscalss]

not mine

[bonelesscalss]