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Bob Seger's Chaotic Rampage Stuns Port Huron: Rock Legend's Outburst Ends in Violence

PORT HURON, MI — In a bizarre and shocking series of events, rock legend Bob Seger descended upon the decaying and depressed town of Port Huron yesterday afternoon, leaving a trail of chaos and bewilderment in his wake.

Seger, riding a Harley Davidson with a warm case of Stroh's beer in his backpack, arrived in town seemingly agitated. Witnesses first saw him at the Blue Water Bridge, where he launched into an inexplicable tirade. “What’s the big deal with bridges anyway? They’re just fancy roads that go over water! Waste of metal if you ask me!” he shouted, waving his arms wildly and drawing the attention of confused onlookers.

Seger’s wrath then turned toward the Huron Lightship Museum. “Lighthouses! Who even needs these things anymore? We’ve got GPS and all sorts of tech now! This whole town is stuck in the past!” His voice echoed across the marina, startling wildlife and locals alike.

The situation escalated further when Seger barged into a local diner, disrupting the peaceful afternoon crowd. “And don’t get me started on the food here!” he bellowed. “I’ve been to places with real cuisine, and let me tell you, this town doesn’t know the first thing about a good meal! It’s all just greasy spoon garbage!” Diners looked on in shock, their meals forgotten.

During his erratic march through the streets, Seger paused to recount a particularly wild experience. “You people think this is crazy? I once had an acid trip on Mackinac Island that makes this look like a church picnic! I was seeing colors you wouldn't believe, talking to the horses, and ended up in the lake! That's real adventure, not this boring excuse for a town!” He then added with a chilling laugh, “And you know what? I should have killed Kid Rock when I had the chance!”

As Seger continued, he berated everything from historic buildings to local parks, loudly declaring, “You call this a town? I’ve seen better places on the back of cereal boxes!” He didn't spare the local music scene either, calling all the local cover bands “jag bags and clown dicks,” further deepening the shock among the townspeople.

The climax of Seger’s rampage came near the local police station. In a fit of frustration, he pulled out his guitar and hurled it through the window of a parked police car, shattering the glass and drawing immediate attention from law enforcement.

Initially, the responding officers, recognizing the rock star, were prepared to let him off with a stern warning. However, Seger’s anger only intensified. “You hillbillies don’t understand what rock ‘n’ roll means!” he screamed. “You’re all just small-town nobodies who can’t appreciate real music or real freedom!”

As tensions rose, the officers, now feeling threatened, reached for their guns. In a shocking display of agility, Seger executed a spin kick, disarming both officers in one fluid motion. Their guns clattered to the ground, leaving the officers stunned and the gathered crowd in silent awe.

Breathing heavily, Seger stood for a moment before turning away. He got back on his Harley and rode off, the strains of “Turn the Page” drifting faintly as he disappeared into the distance.

In the aftermath, many citizens found themselves reluctantly agreeing with Seger’s harsh assessment. “This town is depressed and losing population,” one resident admitted. “Maybe we needed someone like him to shake things up and make us face reality.” With a high unemployment rate, a proliferation of low-wage jobs, and a devastating opiate problem, Port Huron has been struggling for years.

The once-vibrant community now faces a grim reality, further highlighted by Seger’s chaotic visit. While some hoped for change, the prevailing sentiment was one of despair. Bob Seger’s unexpected rampage has left an indelible mark on Port Huron, serving as a harsh reminder of the town’s ongoing struggles and uncertain future.

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Nights were fuckin’ warm Dreams were fuckin’ easy No one standing fuckin’ overhead Conversation didn't mean fuckin’ much We were fuckin’ hungry but could not be fuckin’ fed Radio blasting silly little fuckin’ love songs We only listened for the fuckin’ beat Taking our fuckin’ chances Out there on the mean fuckin’ streets Hiding in the fuckin’ shadows from the fuckin’ heat We weren't lovers just brave fuckin’ strangers As we fought and we fuckin’ tumbled through the night We were fuckin’ players not a fuckin’ arrangers As we jammed till the dawn's fuckin’ early light Swimming in the big fuckin’ lake Taking it fuckin’ easy Taking any comfort we could fuckin’ find Didn't need the fuckin’ real truth Didn't need the fuckin’ meaning Straight fuckin’ ahead ignoring every fuckin’ sign Every fuckin’ sign And oh I fuckin’ remember I fuckin’ know you do too Oh that one fuckin’ evening I know you do too Baby I know you fuckin’ remember it too The fuckin’ moon was high Moon was fuckin’ flying high We were hiding in the fuckin’ backwoods Hiding out in the fuckin’ backwoods With the fuckin’ moon flying high My fuckin’ hand was shaking And you took my fuckin’ hand And it went all fuckin’ right And it went all fuckin’ right It went all fuckin’ right So we walked out fuckin’ hardly speaking Disappearing in the fuckin’ night Saw each other a few fuckin’ times after But we never really fuckin’ got it right We weren't fuckin’ lovers just fuckin’ brave strangers As we rolled and we tumbled through the fuckin’ night We were fuckin’ players not fuckin’ arrangers And we fuckin’ jammed till the dawn's fuckin’ early light

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Bob Seger-themed bar opens in small Michigan town The menu features entrees such as the "Silver Bullet" burger, "Katmandu" burger and "Bob Seger" grilled ham and cheese. Each menu item bears a Seger reference. Beer and Club Keno are also offered at the restaurant. 

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Who's goin' to fuckin’ ride that chrome three- fuckin’ wheeler? Who's goin' to make that first fuckin’ mistake? Who wants to wear those fuckin’ gypsy leathers All the way to Fire fuckin’ Lake? Who wants to break the fuckin’ news about Uncle Joe? You remember Uncle fuckin’ Joe He was the one fuckin’ afraid to cut the cake Who wants to fuckin’ tell poor Aunt Sarah Fuckin’ Joe's run off to Fire Lake? Joe's run off to fuckin’ Fire Lake Who wants to brave those bronzed fuckin’ beauties Lyin' in the fuckin’ sun With their long soft hair fuckin’ falling Flying as they fuckin’ run Ah they smile so fuckin’ shy and they flirt so fuckin’ well And they lay me down so fuckin’ fast They look fuckin’ up and say Oh lord, am I really here at fuckin’ last? Who wants to play those eights and fuckin’ aces? Who wants a fuckin’ raise, who needs a fuckin’ stake? Who wants to take that long-shot fuckin’ gamble And head out for Fire fuckin’ Lake? Head out Who wants to go to fuckin’ Fire Lake Head out Who wants to go to Fire fuckin’ Lake

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I remember standing on the corner at fuckin’ midnight Trying to get my fuckin’ courage up There was this fuckin’ long lovely dancer in a little fuckin’ club downtown I fuckin’ loved to watch her do her stuff Through the long fuckin’ lonely nights she filled my fuckin’ sleep Her body softly fuckin’ swaying to that smoky beat Down on fuckin’ Mainstreet In the fuckin’ pool halls, the hustlers and the fuckin’ losers I used to watch 'em through the fuckin’ glass Well I'd stand outside at fuckin’ closing time Just to watch her walk on fuckin’ past Unlike all the other fuckin’ ladies, she looked so young and fuckin’ sweet As she made her way alone down that empty fuckin’ street Down on fuckin’ Mainstreet And sometimes even now, when I'm feeling fuckin’ lonely and beat I drift back in time and I find my fuckin’ feet Down on fuckin’ Mainstreet Down on fuckin’ Mainstreet

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I take my fuckin’ card and I stand in fuckin’ line To make a fuckin’ buck I work over fuckin’ time Dear fuckin’ sir letters keep coming in the fuckin’ mail I work my fuckin’ back till its racked with fuckin’ pain The fuckin’ boss cant even recall my fuckin’ name I show up late and Im fuckin’ docked It never fuckin’ fails I feel like just another fuckin’ spoke in a great big fuckin’ wheel Like a tiny fuckin’ blade of grass In a great big fuckin’ field To fuckin’ workers Im just another fuckin’ drone To ma bell Im just another fuckin’ phone Im just another fuckin’ statistic on a fuckin’ sheet To fuckin’ teachers Im just another fuckin’ child To fuckin’ irs Im just another fuckin’ file Im just another fuckin’ consensus on the fuckin’ street Gonna cruise out of this fuckin’ city Head down to the fuckin’ sea Gonna shout out at the fuckin’ ocean Hey its fuckin’ me And I feel like a fuckin’ number Feel like a fuckin’ number Feel like a fuckin’ stranger A fuckin’ stranger in this fuckin’ land I feel like a fuckin’ number Im not a fuckin’ number Im not a fuckin’ number Fuckin’ Dammit Im a fuckin’ man I fuckin’ said Im a fuckin’ man

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She packed up her fuckin’ bags and she took off down the fuckin’ road Left me here fuckin’ stranded with the fuckin’ bills she owed She gave me a fuckin’ false address Took off with my American fuckin’ Express Fuckin’ Sunspot Baby She sure had me way out fuckin’ guessed

She left me here fuckin’ stranded like a dog out in the fuckin’ yard Charged up a fuckin’ fortune on my fuckin’ credit card She used my fuckin’ address and my fuckin’ name Man that was sure un fuckin’ kind Fuckin’ Sunspot Baby She sure has a real fuckin’ good time

I looked in fuckin’ Miami I looked in fuckin’ Negril The closest I fuckin’ came was a fuckin’ month old bill I checked the fuckin’ Bahamas and they said she was fuckin’ gone I can't fuckin’ understand why she did me so fuckin’ wrong

And she fuckin’ took off down the fuckin’ road Said she was going to visit fuckin’ sister Flo She used my fuckin’ address and my fuckin’ name And man that was sure fuckin’ unkind Fuckin’ Sunspot Baby I'm gonna fuckin’ catch up sometime Sure had a real fuckin’ good time

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Fuckin’ Stood there boldly Sweatin' in the fuckin’ sun Felt like a fuckin’ million Felt like fuckin’ number one The height of fuckin’ summer I'd never fuckin’ felt that strong Like a fuckin’ rock I was fuckin’ eighteen Didn't have a fuckin’ care Working for fuckin’ peanuts Not a fuckin’ dime to spare But I was fuckin’ lean and Solid every fuckin’ where Like a fuckin’ rock My hands were fuckin’ steady My eyes were fuckin’ clear and bright My walk had fuckin’ purpose My steps were quick and fuckin’ light And I held fuckin’ firmly To what I fuckin’ felt was right Like a fuckin’ rock Like a fuckin’ rock, I was strong as I could fuckin’ be Like a rock, nothin' ever fuckin’ got to me Like a fuckin’ rock, I was something to fuckin’ see Like a fuckin’ rock And I stood arrow fuckin’ straight Unencumbered by the fuckin’ weight Of all these fuckin’ hustlers and their schemes I stood fuckin’ proud, I stood fuckin’ tall Fuckin’ High above it all I still believed in my fuckin’ dreams Twenty fuckin’ years now Where'd they fuckin’ go? Twenty fuckin’ years I don't fuckin’ know I fuckin’ sit and I wonder sometimes Where they've gone And sometimes late at fuckin’ night When I'm fuckin’ bathed in the firelight The fuckin’ moon comes callin' a ghostly white And I recall I fuckin’ recall Like a fuckin’ rock, standin' fuckin’ arrow straight Like a fuckin’ rock, chargin' from the fuckin’ gate Like a fuckin’ rock, carryin' the fuckin’ weight Like a fuckin’ rock

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You always fuckin’ won every time you placed a fuckin’ bet You're still fuckin’ damn good, no fuckin’ one's gotten to you yet Every time they were sure they had you fuckin’ caught You were fuckin’ quicker than they thought You'd just turn your fuckin’ back and walk You always said the fuckin’ cards would never do you fuckin’ wrong The fuckin’ trick, you said, was never play the fuckin’ game too long A gambler's share, the only fuckin’ risk that you would take The only fuckin’ loss you could forsake The only bluff you couldn't fuckin’ fake And you're still the fuckin’ same I caught up with you fuckin’ yesterday Moving game to fuckin’ game No one standing in your fuckin’ way Turning on the fuckin’ charm Long enough to get you fuckin’ by You're still the fuckin’ same You still aim fuckin’ high There you stood, everybody watched you fuckin’ play I just turned and fuckin’ walked away I had nothing left to fuckin’ say 'Cause you're still the fuckin’ same You're still the same Moving game to fuckin’ game Some things never fuckin’ change You're still the same

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A fuckin’ gypsy wind is blowin' warm tonight The sky is fuckin’ starlit and the time is fuckin’ right And still you're fuckin’ tellin' me you have to go Before you leave there's something you should fuckin’ know Yeah something you should fuckin’ know babe I've seen you smilin' in the fuckin’ summer sun I've seen your long hair fuckin’ flying when you run I've made my mind up that it's fuckin’ meant to be Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me [Chorus] Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Out where the fuckin’ rivers meet the soundin' sea You're high above me now, you're wild and fuckin’ free Ah but someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me [Verse 2] Some people say that love's a fuckin’ losin' game You start with fire but you lose the fuckin’ flame The fuckin’ ashes smolder but the warmth's soon fuckin’ gone You end up cold and fuckin’ lonely on your own I'll take my fuckin’ chances babe, I'll risk it all I'll win your love or I'll take the fuckin’ fall I've made my fuckin’ mind up girl it's meant to be Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me [Chorus] Someday lady you'll accomp'ny me It's fuckin’ written down somewhere, it's fuckin’ got to be You're high above me flyin' wild and fuckin’ free Oh but someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Out where the fuckin’ rivers meet the sounding sea I feel it in my fuckin’ soul, it's meant to be Ohh someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me Someday lady you'll fuckin’ accomp'ny me

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I know it's fuckin’ late, I know you're fuckin’ weary I know your fuckin’ plans don't include me Still here we fuckin’ are, both of us fuckin’ lonely Longing for fuckin’ shelter from all that we fuckin’ see Why should we fuckin’ worry, no one will fuckin’ care girl Look at the fuckin’ stars so far fuckin’ away We've got fuckin’ tonight, who needs fuckin’ tomorrow? We've got fuckin’ tonight babe Why don' you fuckin’ stay? Deep in my fuckin’ soul, I've been so fuckin’ lonely All of my fuckin’ hopes, fading away I've longed for fuckin’ love, like everyone fuckin’ else does I know I'll keep fuckin’ searching, even after fuckin’ today So there it fuckin’ is girl, I've fuckin’ said it all now And here we fuckin’ are babe, what do you fuckin’ say? We've got fuckin’ tonight, who needs fuckin’ tomorrow? We've got fuckin’ tonight babe Why don't you fuckin’ stay? I know it's fuckin’ late, I know you're fuckin’ weary I know your fuckin’ plans don't include me Still here we fuckin’ are, both of us fuckin’ lonely Both of us lonely We've got fuckin’ tonight, who needs fuckin’ tomorrow? Let's make it fuckin’ last, let's find a fuckin’ way Turn out the fuckin’ light, come take my fuckin’ hand now We've got fuckin’ tonight babe Why don't you fuckin’ stay? Why don't you stay?

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Took a fuckin’ look down a westbound road Right away I made my fuckin’ choice Headed out to my fuckin’ big two-wheeler I was tired of my own fuckin’ voice Took a bead on the fuckin’ northern plains And just fuckin’ rolled that power on

Twelve hours out of fuckin’ Mackinac City Stopped in a bar to have a fuckin’ brew Met a girl and we had a few fuckin’ drinks And I told fuckin’ her what I'd decided to do

She looked out the window a fuckin’ long long moment Then she looked into my fuckin’ eyes She didn't have to say a fuckin’ thing I knew what she was fuckin’ thinkin'

Roll, roll me away Won't you roll me fuckin’ away tonight I too am fuckin’ lost, I feel fuckin’ double-crossed And I'm fuckin’ sick of what's fuckin’ wrong and what's fuckin’ right We never even said a fuckin’ word We just walked out and got on that fuckin’ bike And we fuckin’ rolled And we rolled clean out of sight

We rolled across the fuckin’ high plains Deep into the fuckin’ mountains Felt so fuckin’ good to me Finally feelin' fuckin’ free

Somewhere along a fuckin’ high road The air began to turn fuckin’ cold She said she missed her fuckin’ home I fuckin’ headed on alone

Stood alone on a fuckin’ mountain top

Starin' out at the Great fuckin’ Divide I could go fuckin’ east, I could go fuckin’ west It was all up to me to fuckin’ decide Just then I saw a fuckin’ young hawk flyin' And my fuckin’ soul began to rise And pretty soon My heart was fuckin’ singin'

Roll, roll me away I'm gonna fuckin’ roll me away tonight Gotta keep fuckin’ rollin', gotta keep fuckin’ ridin' Keep fuckin’ searchin' till I find what's right And as the fuckin’ sunset faded I spoke To the faintest first fuckin’ starlight And I said next fuckin’ time Next time We'll get it fuckin’ right

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She stood there bright as the sun on that fuckin’ California coast He was a Midwestern boy on his fuckin’ own She looked at him with those soft eyes so innocent and fuckin’ blue He knew right then he was too far from fuckin’ home Oh He was too fuckin’ far from home She took his fuckin’ hand and she led him along that fuckin’ golden beach They watched the waves tumble over the fuckin’ sand They drove for fuckin’ miles and miles up those twisting turning fuckin’ roads Higher and fuckin’ higher and higher they climbed

And those fuckin’ Hollywood nights In those fuckin’ Hollywood hills She was looking so fuckin’ right In her fuckin’ diamonds and frills Oh those fuckin’ big city nights In those fuckin’ high rolling hills Above all the fuckin’ lights She had all of her fuckin’ skills

He’d headed west cause he felt that a change would do him fuckin’ good See some old friends, good for the fuckin’ soul She had been born with a fuckin’ face that would let her get her fuckin’ way He saw that face and he lost all control He had lost all fuckin’ control Night after night, day after fuckin’ day it went on and on Then came that morning he fuckin’ woke up alone He spent all night staring down at the fuckin’ lights on LA Wondering if he could ever go home

And those fuckin’ Hollywood nights In those fuckin’ Hollywood hills It was looking so right It was giving him fuckin’ chills In those big city nights In those fuckin’ high rolling hills Above all the lights With a passion that fuckin’ kills

In those fuckin’ Hollywood nights In those fuckin’ Hollywood hills She was looking so fuckin’ right In her diamonds and fuckin’ frills Oh, those big city nights In those fuckin’ high rolling hills Above all the fuckin’ lights She had all of her skills 

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So you're a little bit fuckin’ older And a lot less fuckin’ bolder than you used to be So you used to shake 'em fuckin’ down But now you stop and think about your fuckin’ dignity So now fuckin’ sweet sixteen's turned thirty-one You get to feelin' weary when the fuckin’ work day's done Well all you got to do is get up and into your fuckin’ kicks If you're in a fuckin’ fix Come back baby, rock and roll never fuckin’ forgets

You better get yourself a fuckin’ partner Go down to the concert or the local fuckin’ bar Check the local fuckin’ newspapers Chances are you won't have to go too fuckin’ far Yeah, the fuckin’ rafters will be ringing 'cause the beat's so strong The crowd will be swaying and fuckin’ singing along And all you got to do is get in, into the fuckin’ mix If you need a fuckin’ fix Come back baby, rock and roll never fuckin’ forgets

Ooh, the band's still playing it loud and fuckin’ lean Listen to the fuckin’ guitar player making it scream All you got to do is just make that fuckin’ scene tonight Hey, tonight, ooh

Well now fuckin’ sweet sixteen's turned thirty-one Feel a little tired, feeling under the fuckin’ gun Well all of Chuck's children are out there playing his fuckin’ licks Get into your fuckin’ kicks Come back baby, rock and roll never fuckin’ forgets Said you can come back baby, rock and roll never forgets Oh, come back baby, rock and roll never fuckin’ forgets

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Seems like fuckin’ yesterday But it was fuckin’ long ago Janey was fuckin’ lovely, she was the fuckin’ queen of my nights There in darkness with the fuckin’ radio playin' low And the fuckin’ secrets that we shared Fuckin’ Mountains that we moved Caught like a fuckin’ wildfire out of control 'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to fuckin’ prove And I remember what she fuckin’ said to me How she swore that it never would fuckin’ end I remember how she held me oh so fuckin’ tight Wish I didn't know now what I fuckin’ didn't know then Against the wind We were running against the fuckin’ wind We were young and strong We were running against the fuckin’ wind The years rolled fuckin’ slowly past And I found myself fuckin’ alone Surrounded by fuckin’ strangers I thought were my fuckin’ friends Found myself fuckin’ further and further from my home and I Guess I lost my fuckin’ way There were oh so many fuckin’ roads I was livin' to run and running to fuckin’ live Never worried about payin' or even how much I fuckin’ owe Movin' eight miles a minute for fuckin’ months at a time Breakin' all of the fuckin’ rules that would bend I began to find myself fuckin’ searchin' Searchin' for fuckin’ shelter again and again Against the fuckin’ wind Little somethin' against the wind I found myself seekin' shelter against the fuckin’ wind Well, those fuckin’ drifters days are past me now I've got so much more to fuckin’ think about Deadlines and fuckin’ commitments What to leave in, what to fuckin’ leave out Against the fuckin’ wind I'm still running against the wind I'm fuckin’ older now but still running against the fuckin’ wind Well, I'm older now and still fuckin’ running Against the wind Against the fuckin’ wind Against the wind Still fuckin’ running Against the fuckin’ wind I'm still running against the fuckin’ wind Against the wind I'm still fuckin’ running Against the wind I'm still running against the wind Against the wind See the young man fuckin’ run Against the wind Watch the young man fuckin’ run Against the wind Watch the young man fuckin’ runin' Against the wind He'll be runnin' against the fuckin’ wind Against the wind Let the cowboys fuckin’ ride Against the wind Mm Against the fuckin’ wind

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On a long and fuckin’ lonesome highway, east of fuckin’ Omaha You can listen to the fuckin’ engine moanin' out his fuckin’ one note song You can think about the fuckin’ woman or the girl you knew the fuckin’ night before But your thoughts will soon be fuckin’ wandering the way they always fuckin’ do When you're ridin' sixteen fuckin’ hours and there's fuckin’ nothin' left to do And you don't feel much like fuckin’ riding, you just wish the fuckin’ trip was through Here I fuckin’ am On the fuckin’ road again There I fuckin’ am Up on the fuckin’ stage Here I fuckin’ go Playing fuckin’ star again There I fuckin’ go Turn the fuckin’ page Well you walk into a fuckin’ restaurant strung out from the fuckin’ road And you feel the fuckin’ eyes upon you as you're shakin' off the fuckin’ cold You pretend it doesn't fuckin’ bother you but you just want to fuckin’ explode Most times you can't hear 'em fuckin’ talk, other times you fuckin’ can All the same old fuckin’ cliches, "Is that a fuckin’ woman or a man?" And you always seem fuckin’ outnumbered; you don't dare make a fuckin’ stand Here I fuckin’ am On the fuckin’ road again There I fuckin’ am Up on the fuckin’ stage Here I fuckin’ go Playing fuckin’ star again There I fuckin’ go Turn the fuckin’ page 

Out there in the fuckin’ spotlight you're a million fuckin’ miles away Every ounce of fuckin’ energy you try to give away As the fuckin’ sweat pours out your body like the fuckin’ music that you play Later in the fuckin’ evening as you lie awake in fuckin’ bed With the fuckin’ echoes from the fuckin’ amplifiers ringin' in your fuckin’ head You smoke the day's last fuckin’ cigarette, remembering what the fuck she said

Here I fuckin’ am On the fuckin’ road again There I fuckin’ am Up on the fuckin’ stage Here I fuckin’ go Playing fuckin’ star again There I fuckin’ go Turn the fuckin’ page