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I am worthy of love simply because I exist….theoretically

I am worthy of love. However, the love I desire never seems to come. I have loved. This could mean that I simply love to easily. This makes me question “what is it that makes a person love worthy?” Is it looks? Affection? How great they are in bed? Compassion?

I believe that every person strives to hear someone say to them, “I love you”, those three little words can turn someone’s shitty ass day around. Then again, it can also be a blow to the face when those words are not reciprocated. This I know. The one time that someone actually told me they loved me and meant it with all their heart…..well lets just say, we were kids. All I know is that, the situation is different now. The roles are reversed. “This must be karma”, has crossed my mind numerous times. I’ve paid my dues; things can turn around at any moment.  I try my damnest to keep my hopes high. Continue to give my all in all my relationships. The end result seems to always be the same. I end up packing up my heart along with my belongings and moving on, this makes me resilient, yes, but I am tired of being on the road and waiting for the next disappointing adventure. I’m also tired of being told that I was the one that got away; that they didn’t see how good they had it till I was gone.  With that said, I will say that I love my life and many aspects of it. Just…seems like a piece is missing. I know, how cliché, writing about love. I have just noticed a trend that has become a debilitating burden. A burden that has me doubting myself; asking if it is something that I am doing? Will I ever be love worthy enough to someone? Consider this my moment of weakness. I’m ready for times to change and for once, feel like things are progressing forward. After all, I am worthy of love simply because I exist. 

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You say that you just don't know what to do. Makes me think that you have feelings for both of us. But, I can tell you that you can't have both. Its one or the other honey.  I don't mind if we don't have a title on our relationship, but expectations have to be set. For instance I wouldn't be with anyone else. Wouldnt speak to another romantically, it would be just you and I. How are you truely supposed to see if this "works" if you aren't 100% invested? And yes, if you have a girl over, regardless if its a "friend", tell me. You say it was irrelevant, therefore it wouldn't have been information shared. You not saying anything is what makes it relevant, honestly. I know that if a guy came over to my house and they were truely just a friend, me telling you wouldn't be an issue. Simple as, "hey...so and so is coming over, just gonna hang for a bit." In that situation, it is now irrelevant. I have nothing to hide. You are the one that I want. It works right now. But, I can't stand that in the back of my mind this girl had deep feelings for you and feels as if Yall just went through a break-up.

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I hope that with the amount of effort you put in to get me back will be the amount of effort you put forth to keep me. Remember you are the one that pushed for another try. I'm here. Show me that you want me to stay.

I hope you take into consideration what you wouldnt want me to do and dont do that shit. I hope you really aren't flirting with her, that would upset me. I can deal with you talking to her for the sake of Bella. But, I wanna trust that you aren't giving her the inclination that Yall have hope to be together. I am very afraid of getting hurt by you. There are certain things I wouldn't want you to say to her such as you miss her, you love her, flirting with her. Responding kindly to her advances. She needs to know her spot. She needs to know and accept that you are happily with me. And if you aren't, then don't be with me. If you don't see this going anywhere, why keep me around? If you are afraid of losing a friend you care about and enjoy being around... Don't.

I just want you to do right by me and keep my feelings in mind with whatever action you take.

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Dark Side Of Me

In those discouraging days I always missed the mark When we were comfort and close I would neglect to keep

Ooh, you safe and unexposed A portrait of time repeats This moment now replaced With an empty wish to give I give, I gave

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This selfish war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me

Now in your absence I wade Through the coursing, lonely, lost And in this tragic dismay I never could believe what I became

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This welcomed war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

[4x] Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me

Ooh, I couldn't give you What you needed It's all my fault Too coward to believe I lost it all

I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This selfish war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else? I promise you There is no weight that can bury us Beneath the ghosts of all my guilt

[4x] Here in the dark side of me Here in the dark side of me

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I'm your Guardian Devil.

I’m tired, but can’t sleep. Thoughts keep me awake right now, along with the loud bangs still going off from the Fourth of July celebration. To sum up my thoughts…. I miss you. Lately, it seems like the closest I am to you is arm’s length. But that is because I wont let me phone be any further away. It stays by my side, attached to my hip you can say, just in case. Maybe, I will receive a text from you. Maybe you will miss me and want to meet up. I understand that you need time to clear the clouds. I want that for you. All I want is for you to be is happy. When I said that I will not make the same mistake as before and give up, I meant it. I am still going to be here regardless. However, I fear that once your mind is clear, I will not be in it anymore. That sounds kind of selfish to me. But, that is how I feel and that is what I fear the most. The last time we hung out was last Saturday Evening, we are approaching a week. Last time something like this happened, I didn’t even make it a week. I have to say, I am proud of myself for that. I am going to be honest; I’ve been reading your blog. By now, I have read every entry you’ve made. Some, a couple of times. I believe now that I fully comprehend your hesitations. Why you want to take it slow. Why you do not want to jump into anything. It seems to me that every time you have went all in; you got hurt, in the worst possible way. I am not those other girls that took pieces of you heart and torn them into tiny shreds. In the same thought, you are not the men I’ve been with in the past that have done the same to me. Can we just not compare each other to our past failed relationships, our past is not our future. Tonight, when our conversation ended, You said, “Goodnight, sweetheart.” Gets me every time, I become a gitty little girl with a huge grin that lights up my face. Warms my heart up and for a brief moment, I know you care about me. But, then I cannot help thinking, when will he miss me? When will he see and not be afraid? When can we just embrace what we have and not fight it? I am not going to hurt you. If anything, I want to show you that you are right. Something that you have been fighting and looking for all these years is here. Right in front of your eyes. I just want to hold you and show you love, the love that you have spilled out for years and never got back in return. I want to be your Guardian Devil. I'm sure, nobody is going to read this, considering I haven't told a soul about my blog. Regardless, it feels amazing to write my thoughts and feel some release, I believe now I can get some sleep. Who know what tomorrow will bring? Only can think happy thoughts...ha. just like me to be the optimist.

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Unanswered Questions

I close my eyes in hope that I can search through memories and see your face again. All I see is darkness. Why can't you surface? That's all I need to get me by. A glimpse of the past. To be able to remember your smell, to hear your voice again, and most of all to see your face. 10 yrs have gone by and nothing has changed. All I have is pictures, and at times, they do fill the void left in my heart when you abruptly disappeared from this world, but most of all my life. I wonder at times what it would have been like with you here. The thought is hard to fathom. I leave that question unanswered.

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Sleepless, Restless Nights

I sit here. Restless. Thinking about this, and that. Why can't my mind just lay to rest. Maybe I should just go for a drive or should I just sit here. Sit here till my mind gets exhausted from fighting with itself. But when will that happen? Doesn't feel like it will be anytime soon. And frankly, it is driving me crazy. Then my curiosity runs ramped. Would I be like this right now if I were lying beside you. Enjoing slient company. Feeling your warmth. Feeling things starting to heat up. And then feeling you inside of me. Maybe thats what I need, you inside of me. Release this tension. Lay my mind and body to rest. Oh, just the thought of your touch sends a distinguishable shiver. Suddenly, I am aroused. Where's my outlet? 15 mins away. I have to remind myself that it is almost three in the morning. These thoughts are far from welcomed this time in the morning. Until tomorrow. Yes, until tomorrow.