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               the  space  between  them  felt  almost  tangible,  even  if  it  was  marcus'  own  mind  playing  tricks  on  him.  it  was  like  standing  on  a  live  wire,  terrified  to  move,  terrified  to  stay  still.  but  mostly,  it  was  what  lay  in  between  their  words,  the  utter  silence  of  something  untranslated,  maybe  even  incommunicable  for  people  like  them.  looking  at  her  right  now,  moonlight  skimming  through  her  blinds  and  illuminating  her  face,  doe-eyes,  honey-molten  hued,  and  marcus  knew  he  would  betray  himself.  he  would  ignore  his  own  rules,  carefully  crafted  and  installed  to  protect  his  heart,  because  he  couldn't  ignore  her.  he  had  been  doing  it  for  some  time  now,  even  if  unconsciously. other  people,  marcus  could  leave  inside  a  moment.  he  could  walk  away and  appreciate  what  it  was,  or the  temporary  comfort  they  offered,  and  move  on.  but  he  had  been  carrying  frances  around  for  a  while  now,  letting  the  thought  of  her  spill  into  his  day-to-day,  his  mind  slowly  becoming  a  revolving  door  of  her.  “  no  ,  i  have  . a  long  time  ago  .  ”  he  swallows  hard,  finding  the  self-restraint  to  stay  still,  to  stay  right  here.  "  because  i  have  done  this  before  ,  "  he  carefully  corrects.  it  may  not  seem  like  much,  but  to  marcus  it  was  like  ripping  himself  open,  cavity  of  his  chest  entirely  exposed,  fibrous  and  ugly:  i've  been  hurt  before,  but  i'm  still  standing  here,  i'm  letting  you  see.  he  lets  her  words  hang  in  the  air,  attentive  to  the  look  on  her  face,  as  if  she  had  surprised  herself.  “  okay  ,  ”  is  the  response  marcus  chooses  whilst  his  pulse  quickens,  as  though  they  had  made  some  sort  of  difficult  pact  when  in  reality  it  was  just  an  allowance  of  intimacy.  guilt  quickly  seeps  in,  temporarily  dulling  all  of  his  other  heightened  senses.  “  i  never  thought  about  it  that  way  ,  ”  entirely  truthful  as  he  stands  helplessly,  his  cluelessness  showcased.  he  had  just  been  so  regimented  to  this  line  of  thought,  to  shoving  everything  down.  in  his eyes, failure  in  fighting  this  was  an  indication  of  the  tenaciousness  of  this  living,  breathing  thing  between  them.  “  i'm  sorry  ,  ”  he  releases  a  breath,  “  it's  more  .  it's  more  than  sex  ,  convenience  ,  company  ...  ”   trails  off,  still  fighting  the  desperate  urge  to  reach  out,  to  touch  her,  fearful  of  her  possible  recoil.  “  i  feel  like  i'm  losing  my  mind  .  ” he  runs  his  hands  over  his  eyes,  as  if  he  could  wipe  away  the  etch  in  his  brows.  “  i'm  trying  ,  frances  .  i  know  it  doesn't  seem  like  it  .  ”

she swallows hard , practically gulps down all her anxiety and fears because what was the worst that could happen ? the worst thing that could have happened to frances had already happened . her dreams , all her expectations of what her future would be , her scholarships and friends --- all of that was gone and she was trying to move on like her first time on a plane hadn't been her last . she was used to the fame chasing , guys looking to make a quick buck off of her or the story but that'd been the worst of it . it was much harder to get close , which she was rarely capable of doing nowadays , only to be let down when the weight of what came along with dating her finally sunk in . frances feet remain glued in place , big honey colored eyes wide like a doe in headlights as he steps further and further into her space . she is itching to reach out for him , to feel the warmth and comfort that came in his presence whether it made much sense to her or not . " and that's why i frighten you ? because you .. haven't done this before ? " it wasn't that she was confused , the clarification was needed --- frances needed to pick his brain and understand that it wasn't her trauma or ever lasting injury that may scare him off it was that he cared too much . " then i ... i suppose i would to let you . " the words sound foreign upon her tongue . frances never conceded so easily , she liked to fight , she wanted to do everything herself but something about the selflessness of it all made her chest tight in a way she was so unfamiliar with . " i don't know why you think that would relieve me , like i would for some reason not want you to want this , to want me . it's so exhausting arguing with you and having to wonder if this is all just ... sex or company to you . "

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Margaret Atwood, Power Politics;from ‘Hesitations Outside the Door’

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Paul Mescal | Hollywood Authentic | November 15, 2024 | 📷 Greg Williams

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ugh why must I be always so repulsed by my own vulnerability but I find it very moving and impressive if other people are vulnerable with me????

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GRACE VAN PATTEN in archival Dolce & Gabbana for the Tell Me Lies Season 2 Premiere via hair stylist Bobby Eliot

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            a  mere  300  feet  away  from  this  trailer,  their  set  was  beginning  to  resemble  the  trading  floor  of  wall  street  as  it  crashed.  countless  people  began  to  realize  they  would  soon  be  out  of  a  job  and  that  stress  sat  atop  claudia's  shoulders,  even  if  she  refused  to  assign  any  blame  to  herself.  the  stupid  and  twisted  look  on  jasper's  face  as  his  phone  fell  to  the  floor  was  a  welcomed  contrast  to  the  mess  claudia  had  left  to  find  him.  "  you're  a  fucking  idiot  ,  "  she's  spitting  venom,  a  little  too  ferocious  for  the  situation.  but  there  was  truth  to  his  logic.  the  world  dissected  every  single  interaction,  each  idiosyncratic  movement  between  the  two  of  them  until  it  had  pulled  them  apart.  there  was  so  much  history,  and  truthfully,  she  thought  she  had  more  time.  but  now  jasper  was  playing  god,  cutting  it  short.  "  you  work  hard  for  your  shitty  reputation  ,  so  that  excuse  is  thin  .  "  she  crosses  her  arms  against  her  chest,  creating  distance.  "  you  pull  out  of  this  early  because  you  can't  control  your  personal  life  and  not  one  casting  director  will  look  your  way  .  i'll  watch  you  ,  washed  up  and  on  hallmark  christmas  ,  and  laugh  .  "  she's  provoking,  aiming  to  maim,  but  not  lying.  "  god  ,  you'll  let  all  of  these  people  lose  out  ?  really  ?  the  directors  ,  producers  ,  focus  pullers  ,  key  grips  ....  fucking  craft  services  !  all  because  your  girlfriend  is  insecure  ?  "

the sudden intrusion startles him , practically jumping out of his skin as the phone in his palm topples to the floor . he'd made it his primary goal to keep his decision a secret until the grand reveal but clearly , there was a wolf in sheep's clothing . doesn't bother to seem put together , leaning forward on the couch , icy hues conveying a subtle pain that seemed to linger lately . " it's the best opportunity i've had for now . . . it's not the only opportunity once i leave . " in fact , jasper already had a dozen auditions lined up , eager to close this chapter . " you and i both know it's more than tik tok edits . i don't want every line i deliver , scene we shoot and red carpet we walk together to fuel some conspiracy about what we are or aren't . it's good publicity at first but eventually , it's going to stain our reputations and i won't have that . "

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            the  weight  of  this  conversation,  along  with  dove's  heavy  blows,  had  begun  to  amass  atop  jac's  shoulders.  she  could  quite  literally  feel  gravity's  pull  by  the  way  her  breath  repetitively  idled  in  her  lungs.  why  was  'talentless'  out  of  his  mouth  so  completely  crushing?  she  can  hear  it  again,  running  off  his  lips  so  ruthlessly,  and  a  stinging  heat  rushes  up  around  her  cheeks.  it  gave  credence  to  the  nagging  feeling  she  had  pushed  away  for  years  now,  a  feeling  he  tamped  down  and  put  to  rest  before  this  chasm  between  them  began  to  split.  her  mind  makes  time  to  rifle  through  the  moments  she  used  to  believe  him  and  his  encouragement;  that  she  wasn't  some  tone-deaf,  semi-literate  hack.  mind  is  still  stuttering  when  dove  is  speaking  again,  the  truth  finally  revealed:  no  lawsuit.  it's  followed  by  the  identification  of  an  equal  truth,  that  he  was  right,  jac  wanted  his  attention.  well  past  feeling  stupid,  she  ventured  closer  toward  humiliation  now.  she  imagined  some  sort  of  feathery  relief  if  this  ended  up  being  some  sort  of  sham,  but  it's  a  sinking  feeling  instead.  a  dull  ache.  he  was  right.  "  i  don't  know  ,  "  it's  not  much  of  an  answer  at  all,  but  it's  honest.  anger  is  replaced  by  fear.  that  stinging  heat  balloons,  her  eyes  growing  redder  and  rawer  by  the  second.  still,  she  refused  to  cry.  dove  was  better  holding  resolve,  clinging  to  an  emotion.  "  i  don't  know  how  i  feel  ,   "  her  chest  heaves  with  her  breath  while  she  searches  his  features.  she  can't  read  him,  but  feels  the  familiar  tug  of  her  heartstrings.  “  do  you  ?  ”  a  hard  swallow  before  she  clarifies,  “  know  how  you  feel  about  me  ?  ”

her inability to even acknowledge their history or cataclysmic connection hurts more than he'd care to admit. dove wishes he could chalk it up to a bruised ego, but it cuts deeper. as fast as they'd collided, they'd separated again. like perfect strangers. and as much as he wants to believe that he knows her ⸻ wants to know her . . . dove really doesn't. maybe that was the entire problem. for a moment, he considers keeping - up the ruse. yet, the facade falters and crumbles. shoulders slump ever so slightly, as she begins to paint him in the same image as she had in her song. supposes she doesn't really know him either. or maybe she'd hit the nail on the head. "there's no lawsuit," he states matter of factly, "maybe i was just trying to get your attention." bitterness washes over him. "you know, kinda like what you were doing by releasing that song." had remembered much kinder sentiments in the lyrics she shared in private, though they were likely torn - up in the wake of their split. "is that really how you feel ?" he questions, tone more vulnerable now, "you hate me that much."

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            it  was  nearly  impossible  to  not  slip  back  into  familiarities  back  home,  but  the  feeling  was  unbelievably  amplified  up  here  with  rae.  how  many  hours  had  marcus  sat  in  this  very  spot  next  to  her?  the  buzz  of  the  streetlights  and  nondescript  cars  were  the  white  noise  between  their  ramblings.  home  was  a  suffocating,  often  painful,  but  not  up  here,  and  not  where  rae  was  involved.  “  cruel  ,  ”  he  chokes  out  with  a  lopsided  smile,  opting  to  take  it  back  out  of  her  grip,  chucking  the  useless  thing  over  the  lip  of  the  roof.  this  looked  normal  from  the  outside  looking  in,  they  looked  normal,  albeit  a  bit  overgrown  to  still  be  cemented  to  their  teenage  haunt,  but  marcus  could  feel  it  –  the  stark  difference,  the  weight  in  the  air.  his  suspicion  is  further  confirmed  when  'i  miss  you'  comes  off  her  lips  as  if  it  hurt.  he  drapes  his  arms  carelessly  over  his  legs,  slowly  rocking  his  shoulder  into  hers  to  grab  her  attention.  “  rae  ,  did  i  do  something  ?  tell  me  what's  going  on  .  ”

he left, but she stayed, stuck in their small town, struggling to carve out a life for herself. months were filled with postcards, photos, and voicemails all detailing the wondrous places marcus visited. yet each little reminder of him broke rae more and more until she finally realized she had to move on and cut off all communication to focus on herself—her career, her passions, and even a new love. when the femme heard that marcus was returning home, she wrestled with the decision to visit him, not wanting to dig up old feelings if nothing were to come of them. “i already had a coughing fit; i just thought you should experience one too,” rae teased as they sat together on the roof, the party’s noise below fading into irrelevance. in that moment, it was just the two of them, suspended in time. how could she ever tell him that she resented the life he built without her? instead, the redhead managed a quiet, trembling truth while burying away everything else. “i missed you too.”

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             “  i  know  what  i  want  ,  but  it's  not  simple  .  ”  or  possible,  but  he  can't  bring  himself  to  say  it  aloud  just  yet.  the  hours  brooks  had  spent  searching  for  a  palatable  solution  to  this  was  innumerable.  his  mind  dozed  to  this,  to  camille  any  chance  possible;  just  before  sleep,  in  the  shower,  at  the  grocery  store,  even  on  stage  during  a  drum  break  that  had  become  second  nature.  all  that  time  ruminating  only  left  brooks  with  the  same  conclusion:  there  was  never  a  scenario  where  everyone  wins.  he  shakes  his  head  while  camille  outlines  the  same  possibilities  he'd  already  beat  to  death  himself,  when  she  asks  if  jace  would  take  it  well.  of  course  he  wouldn't.  it  would  ruin  everything.  “  and  break  up  the  band  ?  ”  brooks  speaks,  the  gloom  in  his  voice  and  furrow  of  his  brow  imparting  that  it  wasn't  an  option  at  all.  there's  a  long  pause.  he's  never  been  so  aware  of  the  presence  of  his  heart  before,  the  way  that  it  aches.  “  he'll  figure  it  out  and  treat  you  right  one  day  ,  ”  finally  he  pulls  away,  completely  averting  camille's  gaze  as  he  stuffs  his  hands  deep  enough  his  denim  pockets  that  the  fabric  scratches  at  his  knuckles.  this  felt  like  the  ultimate  sacrifice.  her.  but  brooks  had  stumbled  into  this  blindly,  naively,  and  he  couldn't  ruin  his  own  livelihood  and  countless  others,  much  less  a  childhood  friendship.  it  was  about  much  more  than  him  and  his  feelings.  “  you  and  i  will  be  good  friends  like  we  should've  been  this  whole  time  eventually  .  we  let  this  go  too  far  ,  camille  .  ”

it had started off as something platonic ⸻ a shoulder to cry on whenever jace had fucked up ( which was a lot ). but the more time she spent with a guy like brooks, the harder it was to ignore the growing attraction between the two. supposes her on - again - off - again ex had been to blame for pushing her into his bandmate's arms ; a sentiment that was easier to believe than taking actual accountability. because somewhere along the lines, the boundaries had been blurred. no longer spending nights together while momentarily single, but rather any chance she got. "do you ?" she questions, though her tone isn't accusatory. rather, she hopes to find solace in shared indecision. was happy to be just another plaything while her heart was a mess, but this thing growing between her and brooks was more than some fling now. "the alternative is we tell him," she states matter of factly, "and do you really think he's going to take it well ? i mean, i'd never forgive myself if i was the reason there was a rift between you guys." maybe it was a cop - out, but there was a seed of truth in her words. jace wasn't the forgiving type, even if he expected her to be. "maybe it's better to wait until the tour is over." that could buy them both enough time to back - out if need be.

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This album is the first time that I felt like I’ve been like ‘oh what would it feel like if I projected’ and if I wasn’t singing for just only myself to hear.

GRACIE ABRAMS The Secret of Us (Short Film) | Vevo Extended Play

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I said, “Honey, I don’t feel so good, don’t feel justified. Come on, put a little love here in my void.” He said, “It’s all in your head.” And I said, “So’s everything.” But he didn’t get it. I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.

FIONA APPLE // Paperbag

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“I don’t think I’ve hated something so much as me wanting you”

— — Jasmine Gibson, from “Hot-Hand Fallacy,” Don’t Let Them See Me Like This

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Phoebe Dynevor photographed by Greg Williams

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i could be your loser boyfriend. do you ever think about that