blue-apollo

[blue-apollo]

Starting a new job, should I tell people I’m gay?

So... I’m starting a new job in a couple of weeks. Not just a new job, my very first job. 

I recently graduate from university and now I’m ready to head into the “real world”. My question is, should I be open about my sexuality?

I’ve been thinking about this for a bit. I’m starting this job in a new city, new people, new everything. I have never been open and honest about my sexuality anywhere, maybe because of some friends that don’t know or some family members... just never. And honestly, I kind of want to feel free... free in the sense that I would just love for people to just know so that I don’t have to pretend, avoid or dodge questions during social conversations at work. 

So, what do you think? 🤔 Being out since the very beginning will make things easier for me? or can make the work environment a tad more difficult?

Anyone wanting to share is welcome :)

Thanks,

S.

[blue-apollo]

Is Coming Out losing its importance among our friends?

Photo by Jakayla Toney on Unsplash

Yes, it seems like it has. Well at least in some places and with some people... 

For those of you who were brought up in a conservative country, state, particular city, or your own family, coming out is a HUGE deal. And just to clarify I do know that it’s also a big deal even in very accepting places, it’s just seen in a very different light, a rather positive one. 

Anyhow, it is not news that I grew up in a very very... very... conservative country and in a very religious household. So every time I decide to come out to someone I prepare myself mentally for the worst but also I grasp on to the idea that if it goes well then I’m probably gonna get “celebrated” meaning I will get a hug and reassurance from the other person. But is it always that black or white?

Well... no... at least that wasn’t the case yesterday when I came out to a now close German friend. I know that Europe is considered very accepting and in many ways it is so I get that my sexuality isn’t that relevant to my friend anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m PRO LGBT+s not having to come out at all because it should be normalised and all, yet we’re still living in a moment of transition in which at least I (I can’t talk about other so I talk about myself) have suffered tremendously for being the way I am and to finally embrace that, and to open myself to my dearest friends is something very dear to my heart. So yes, I do expect the hug and the reassurance. 

To this day there are still lots of people not only in super conservative environments but also in very open ones that are still struggling with just coming out to their friends. I know, I know...  I shouldn’t even be complaining about my friend being just “ok... cool” It’s just that for me coming out is still something really precious and personal that I keep with me and decide to share only with the people I care the most. I guess I should start getting used to the idea of people not caring that much.

Even if this is all true and our friends are not giving it the importance that we personally give to coming out because they really don’t care if we are straight, bi, gay, trans, etc. I do believe that we should still let them know how this little detail about ourselves that we are sharing has taken for some of us years to be able to speak it out. 

I’m hope and I’m sure that this won’t be an issue one day. But for now, I do want my hugs and smiles. 

Stay strong,

S. 

[blue-apollo]

How I told my two catholic male best friends about being gay.

So as I’ve said before I grew up in a super catholic country, went to an all-boys school (catholic too) and was raised super catholic. So yeah most of my friends are catholic... me included :)

Anyway, back in my country I have two main groups of friends. One of them, let it be group A, guys and girls, it’s very open minded about almost everything, super ok with being lgbtq, blah, blah. and then there is group B which is only guys and super “masculine”, everything is either girls or sports. 

I’ll let group A aside because I guess they would be ok with me coming out to them (which I haven’t done... that’s for another time).

So let’s talk about group B. In this group there are 2 particular guys which I consider to be closest than the rest of the group, these two guys are both very masculine, very sporty, very into talking about girls, and... and... super religious. I mean the kind of guys that in between the weekdays go to mass by themselves and obviously every sunday too. Which is very normal for me as I am exactly like that too, and I think it’s because our families are like that too so we have that in common. 

So as I went away to study abroad, so did one of these two guys. So for about 5 years we’ve been all separated in different countries. I still talk to them when ever I have the chance and I see one of them every year when I go back to my home country for summer vacations. With the other one we just facetime. 

Ok the coming out part... About 2 years ago I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to come out for the first time. It was consuming me so much and I decided it was time to accept the inevitable. I came out to my brother who was the first and then right after that I decided to call my friend who I haven’t seen at that time for 3 years. Honestly I didn’t know what was going to happen, as I said these guys are very religious and very stereotypical boys. 

Well I just called the first one through FaceTime and started making him guess, cause up to this day I still struggle with actually saying the words “I’m gay*... Some people will relate. Anyway, at first he was kind of shocked, not because he hadn’t thought about it but because I had actually confirmed it, something that in my country is still to this day taboo. So I remember him saying something like “... I mean the thought was there, but... I thought you were like asexual and you didn’t want anything with girls”. And I was like... “well, not exactly...” I honestly have a very personal and spiritual coming out experience with myself. So in order to try and make him understand why I was accepting this for myself I actually told him my personal coming out story which as I said is very spiritual and it involves me and God and a very specific date. At the beginning he was very confused and I guess he was a bit shy to ask questions so I encourage him to ask me anything and little by little he did. I think I was very detailed with the explaining my life experience and that was it... he was as he had always been with me. I still haven’t seen him since then because we live in different continents and we never coincide when we go back home. But we talk very often through FaceTime and I think we’re even closer than before.

I’m making this very long... hahaha the second one was almost the same although this conversation was through the phone. Same, we were in different countries so I called him and did the same as I did with the previous one. His reaction was pretty much the same except for the fact that he told me “When people have asked me about you I’ve always said, no... because you were my friend and I know you...” and so I had to explain to him that I was still the same and that the friend he has always known has always been gay.... and that he has a gay best friend hahaha he just laughed. He was very moved when I told him about my spiritual coming out experience so I think I got him to understand me a little bit more with that. After talking with him whenever I go back to my country apart from everything being as normal as it was before we talk about that and he asks me things and I share my stories with him and everything is very much normal. He is always there for me and worries about me whenever I don’t feel well so I’m pretty grateful about it. 

Anyway, things went pretty great with both and I never imagined that it would... I thought they might just stop being my friends after that but they didn’t. They are obviously not completely understanding sometimes, but they try and ask whenever something is not clear for them. I love them really much. 

Anyway if you have had experiences like that, share them with me in the comments or hit me up with a message. 

Love, 

S 

[blue-apollo]

My Coronavirus Situation

This virus outbreak has taken everyone completely by surprise... countries never imagined that this was going to turn out the way it did. Yet here we are... countries like mine are completely closed to the outside world, no way in no way out. 

My country was one of the last countries to get its first confirmed case, a couple of days ago, and we still have that single case. Even though the situation seems under control the reality is very different. Everything is being shutdown as I type... Don’t get me wrong I’m happy that my country is almost completely free of the virus for now, but I’ve been living out of this country for 5 years now, I came here simply because of a vacation period I had and now I’m trapped in what seems to be a pre apocalyptic time. Fortunately for now there is just one case, but we all know that this is just the beginning of a ticking bomb that will soon explode. 

My country is considered to be a third-world country, and very very poor. I cannot imagine the damage this virus will cause to the population in here. Countries like Italy are being ravaged by this virus and it is heart breaking. My plans of going back to the country where I live are very much over... and not just because my country is not letting any flight operate but in addition the other country is one of the most affected ones worldwide. 

I have mixed feelings. Right now I’m with my family and we’re in a sort of protected bubble, which I think is just temporary, and being with them makes me happy. But my whole body wants to back to where I live even if that means being at risk and alone. I feel powerless, as the decision of getting out or staying was taken away from me by the government. The anxiety that surrounds me is incredible and it all comes from that uncertainty of my future. 

I should be grateful that I’m with part of my family but I can’t help it that I feel as my future might be damaged in a way that will change my whole plan. 

How are you guys coping with this pandemic? tell me all about it.

Love, S.

[blue-apollo]

It's been a couple of years since this happened 😬😬😬 still laugh about it

I took my dad to watch “Love, Simon” one week after coming out. #Awkward

So yeah… that happened. I took my dad to the cinema to watch Love, Simon just after a week on coming out to him.

So I can’t talk for every gay or bi guy, but coming out to your father is one of the most nerve-racking things you have to do. Maybe because you feel like you’ll disappoint him or he just won’t accept this about you. 

A little back story about my dad: he’s in his late 50s, hardcore Catholic, very conservative, married with my mom for more than 25 years now, etc. but also a very loving and caring Dad. I think that my relationship with both of my parents is a very good one, in fact I do a lot of stuff with my dad, we fix things, we build stuff, we even play sports together. I think out of my 2 straight brothers and me, I’m the closest to him. The point is that I have a good relationship with him… also with my mom obviously in a different way, I can’t complaint about my parents. 

I’m not gonna go into details with my coming out story yet, I’ll leave that for another post. But a few months ago, I came out to my parents, both of them hardcore catholics. So it was a huge shook for them. Surprisingly I was more nervous to tell my mom than my dad, and in fact my dad even if he couldn’t understand he was and he is still trying, my mom is a bit in denial still but she’s trying too. So this happened on April and the movie “Love, Simon” was in the theatres at the time so I wanted to watch so badly! and I didn’t want to end up watching it on streaming… I wanted the full cinema experience because for me this movie was huge. By that time I had only came out to two of my best friends and they were both straight guys so I couldn’t take them to the cinema to watch that movie because they would’ve gotten judged and I didn’t want that for them so I never even considered asking them. So of course there was the option on going by myself, but I just felt like I couldn’t do it alone. I took the courage and asked my Dad cause I was sure that my mom wasn’t ready yet. It took me a while to convince my dad but he ended up accepting. I’m not gonna lie haha It was a bit weird being with my dad watching that movie… I’m 24 going with my dad to watch a gay high school movie… anyway there were literally 5 people in the whole room… 

My dad actually enjoyed the movie. He wasn’t ready for the kissing scenes though, I could tell by the look on his face but I totally get it… this was a week after me coming out. What I loved about going to that movie with him is that he actually took some words from the movie in order to make me feel better about myself, he even quoted Simon’s mom when she said “you are still you…” and that coming out of my dad’s mouth meant so much to me. So that’s basically it

To my dad: I love you so much. 

S. 

[blue-apollo]

I don't know why it's so hard to find gay guys that are looking for serious relationships... No wonders why people think gays are promiscuous....

Not talking about everyone obviously.

#gay

[blue-apollo]

It pisses me off how people think that bisexuality doesn't exist... Honestly I struggle a lot with my identity, and hearing that what I identify with the most is just a phase is so nerve-racking. 🥺😡

[blue-apollo]

It’s been a while since I last posted but I’m coming back with more

[blue-apollo]

Why we should keep talking to our parents about being LGBT

Today, something happened that torn me apart in a matter of seconds. 

I’ve been living abroad for about 4 years now and I come and visit my parents once a year. Last year, I came out to them the day after coming back home (you can read about that on my other posts). 

Today, a year after that, I was sitting in the sofa watching a movie with both of my parents, one of my brothers (who doesn’t know about me) and his girlfriend. They mentioned that they were going out for dinner with some college friends, as they were about to leave, my brother’s girlfriend mentioned that one of her guy friends had a boyfriend, quickly saying: “because he’s gay”. Obviously a million thoughts circulated through my mind and I waited for what the rest of my family was going to say. My brother quickly responded with a bit of disgust in his face: “ohh, I hope he doesn’t bring his boyfriend...” after that... total silence.

The way in which they both said it and the lack of a response from my parents just made me feel as if I was still very much in the closet or worse, that my parents were so ashamed of me that they preferred to stay quiet. For some reason I felt numb... usually if it’s someone else I tend to say “so what?” or something like that. But this time, it was my brother and I couldn’t open my mouth for some reason. I wasn’t expecting my parents to create some sort of discussion, but at least say “that’s ok if he’s like that...” or anything else. 

As I’m writing these words I feel down. I feel as if my parents haven’t even made a small effort to acknowledge who their son is. As a very catholic person and the son of two very catholic parents the way to make them understand that this person is still the same son they raised and that they did nothing wrong when raising me is very very difficult. I’ve tried to talk about the subject a couple of times but never deeply, just throwing some words into conversation to let them know that that is still there. That I’m still not straight and that it’s not going to change. 

But, I just realised that it’s not enough... that I must continue to talk about the subject. To let them know that people hurt me even when they talk about others. That pain is still in my chest when I they don’t defend me when I can’t defend myself or when I’m not here, To let them know that unfortunately they need to try harder, because I am fighting each and every single day with society and I need them by my side. 

people! talk to your parents if they’re willing to listen. 

Love, 

S.

Photo by Raj Eiamworakul on Unsplash

[blue-apollo]

Nobody said it was easy

Sometimes I crash

Sometimes I fall

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I crawl

Sometimes I fail

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I crumble

But I ALWAYS think of one reason to get back on my feet.

S.

[blue-apollo]

Looking after myself

I feel like it’s been an eternity since I last posted. I must say I’ve been making some changes in my life and that’s what I wanted to talk about in this post.

So, where do I start?... yeah... my dating life is still, to this day, non-existing. 

Crap. I thought after a year since I came out things would be so different. Well they aren’t haha I’m hoping it is because I haven’t fully come out to everyone and I’m just lingering through dating apps looking for mentally mature guys in their 20s... 

After a couple of months I kind of gave up on myself... I was starting to think that I was destined to be rejected by everyone, mainly because at this point the only thing I thought about myself was negative stuff. It was really hard for me to understand that those cheesy films were right!!! - You need to love yourself first and take care of yourself before looking for love outside. 

Obviously this didn’t happened from one day to the other, It took me a while to get where I am and I’m still working on taking care of myself and working on my needs and feelings. But let me tell you, it has really changed things for me. I’m starting to feel more calm and less harsh with myself. I’m caring less about what people think about me and I’m concentrating on the things that make me happy and make me feel good. 

I encourage you guys, if you haven’t already, to try and work on yourselves. Start thinking more about what you’d like to do instead of what others might want you to do. Start taking care of yourselves in any way that you can; exercise, or skin care, or eating better, anything can make a difference. 

Hope to see you soon,

S.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash

[blue-apollo]

They say that good things take time.

Life

[blue-apollo]

Netflix “Queer Eye”- Review

How many of you have watched the Netflix series “Queer Eye”??? 

If you’d asked me this question last week I would’ve said that I hadn’t. In fact, I didn’t even know that it was a reboot from an old show.

I’ve talked before about how I’m not much into the lgbtq culture, especially when they represent all queer people as the common “stereotype”. I have to be honest, that makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I try but I can’t relate to the stereotype, and don’t get me wrong I have zero problems with people being however they feel more comfortable. it’s just sometimes I feel like I would like to see people like me in the media. 

Anyway, for a couple of weeks I’d seen the trailer adds on Netflix about the show and in my mind I was like “this must be another gay transformation show...”. My my... was I wrong... After weeks of adds I decided to give it a shot and let me tell you It has become one of my favourite shows of all time!

The quantity of emotions that each one of the characters transmit is just amazing. Seeing this amazing 5 queer guys, each one different in their unique way and how they interact with people from different social stratification and beliefs is just so moving. I fell in love with the 5 guys in the show! and funny thing is that the most stereotypical of them all (Jonathan van ness) is maybe my favourite. He’s confidence, heart, charisma, sassiness and love are almost tangible. 

This goes for anyone who’s reading this! Go watch the show, it gives you a sense of confidence and a willingness to take care of yourself that I haven’t felt in years! 

Empowering is the only word that I can use to describe that show.

Good vibes only,

S.

Photo by Chris Johnson on Unsplash

[blue-apollo]

BABY SHARK DU DU DU DU DURU

[blue-apollo]

Ignorance spreads like wildfire 🔥

I’m very thankful with all the people who send me messages of support and love, honestly it’s what keeps me going with his blog.

There are some people though, who also send me messages of how “sinful” I am...

Apparently I love to feel a void in my life with “sex, drugs, food, etc...”, at least that’s what they say. And yeah there’s some truth in that... this last couple of months I’ve eaten a lot! And I’ve put some extra pounds 😅 but yeah it happens....

Anyway, this messages coming from people, with profile descriptions such as “ex-sinner”, are usually followed by quoting verses from the Bible. And whenever I want to address this verses with dialogue, these people other verses of the Bible that have no connection to the last one.... and they seem to avoid any sort of conversation on these verses.

Y’all have to understand that the Bible was written by human beings and in an ancient language that had to be interpreted in order to become what it is now! Do you know how many times has it been altered whenever it’s translated to another language? countless times, that’s the answer. So, what you are reading is probably an interpretation created by multiple people along this 2000+ years.

I honestly don’t have an issue with the Bible, I mean, the majority of the things it says have some sort of moral value and it is good to hear them, but the Bible can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways, so who is right? That’s a question no one can answer.

So please people stop sending me verses of the Bible if you’re not willing to address them. You can’t just shove people with this verses when you don’t even know what they mean, or at least can give me an explanation of why exactly you think these verses are morally ok. And please don’t get me wrong, as I’ve mentioned before, I consider myself a catholic and I do believe in God’s word, but I also know that the Bible that we have is prone to misinterpretation and has been altered over centuries by people. So reflect on those verses you send and think before using them, otherwise you’re just ignorants quoting things that you can’t understand.

Sincerely,

S

[blue-apollo]

Coming Out Update

For those who are still thinking about coming out, here’s a little bit of an update on how life can be after coming out. Obviously this is my experience and everyone’s is different. 

I came out for the first time almost a year ago (11 months to be precise), and since then I’ve came out to about 11 people in my life... yes, I’ve been counting them and no, it’s not 1 for each month haha. Anyway, life hasn’t change that much honestly, I’m 25 now so that’s a big number for a young person but social-wise nothing has changed that much... my closest friends that know about me are treating me the same, sometimes they make jokes about it but it’s fine. The last one of friends that I told was maybe one of the scariest because I had talked with him previously on where he stood with gay/bi guys and it wasn’t good. nevertheless, everything went smooth with him and he is the same as he was before. 

Things with my family are very much the same... so there’s nothing much to talk about.

IMPORTANT - So after almost a year of trying to make “fetch” happen (finding love). Nothing has actually happened... where I live there aren’t many gay/bi dudes trying to build a relationship like I would like too. So I’m not gonna lie... I feel lonely most of time. Filling up your life with friends isn’t solving anything, you eventually see them finding love on their own and you’re always third-wheeling. 

So I ask my fellow lgbtq+, where are you guys?? I mean, are there any guys around my age that would like a serious relationship? because I feel like there are none or they might be too far. 

I guess I’ll make a more explanatory post on my coming out anniversary but for now I leave you with that question! and I hope someone can give me an answer.

thank you guys for reading and see you soon,

S

Photo by Rota Alternativa on Unsplash

[blue-apollo]

Hey, I to am a Catholic and a Bi/unstraight individual, and I know that you're struggling with managing it yourself, but how do you keep religion in your life? In the last few months since I recognized my sexuality, I've been turning away from the church moreso than ever. I'm young, so it's normal to "rebel" from many childhood customs from what I've read. I want to maintain my faith, though, just asking what your experience is like,and if you have any tips, thanks! Love the blog!

Hey, I’m glad you sent me this message.

Initially, I would like to tell you that we all have different experiences that lead us to believe in what we believe. That being said even becoming a more mature person is a thing that we all go through in different moments of our life. I don’t know your age but I can tell you that with only 24 years of age I sometimes feel more mature than a lot of people and it has its perks but also its negative aspects.

Anyway, going back to your question. I think that it is all about being mature enough to acknowledge that even if society tells you that you can’t be both catholic (or any other religion) and queer you have to be sure in your head and heart that God loves you no matter what! And that is something that NOBODY can tell you is not like that.

Religions are based on faith! In believing in something that we can’t see. I truly believe that every single person has a unique relationship with God, and that He loves everyone the same. No matter your age, color, gender, sexual orientation or even religion.

This is what should keep you going with both things! I know that sometimes we drift of from church because we don’t feel like going, but take your time and go back whenever you feel like it. Remember the church is God’s home and not the priest’s, so you will always be welcome there by God. Whenever I go to church I tend to get in a good mood because I’m there and I have the time and space to speak to God, just like when you go to study in the library hahah you study better there because it’s a place where you feel like doing it.

Anyway I don’t want to make this longer than I already did. I hope his is useful for you or for anyone, don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any other question.

Peace ✌🏽, S