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Batfam headcanons pt.3

Kate used to “babysit” Cass and Steph. She stopped when they set the kitchen on fire

Tim once fell down the stairs, hitting Jason, who then pulled Damian down, who then pulled Dick down, until they were all piled on each other at the bottom of the stairs

Barbara has a stamp collection. She’s at 1300 currently

Stephanie accidently knocked someone out in the halls at school by flipping them over her shoulder, which Bruce laughed about when he first heard about

Dick is the most overprotective older brother, especially when it comes to Damian and Cass

Jason, Steph and Cass are the deadliest trio in the family

Damian loves ice cream. Like, LOVES ice cream

Kate is single handedly the reason the “white people cant eat hot foods meme” is dying. She puts tabasco sauce on everything

Tim prides himself over having the most Twitter followers. He currently has 6.8 million

Stephanie and Dick made instagrams for their alter-egos. Steph has 12.6 million followers, whereas Dick has 13.4. (Tim says this doesn’t count and that only main accounts can be eligible for most followers)

Harper dated Helena for a while. It didn’t end very well

All of the batkids do stupid things in hopes Bruce will tell idiotic things in the batman voice

Duke and Barbara are the only normal family members

Literally the only reason Vicky Vale hasnt figured out Tim is red robin is how clumsy he is at events.

Kate has almost drunk tweeted that she is batwoman. Twice.

Everytime Jason goes out to eat, he tell the waiter/waitress its his birthday to get a free piece of cake

Steph sleeps on Cass’s floor almost every night. It got to the point where Alfred bought Cass a couch to put in her room for Steph

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NO one really cares

Why.... why does it seem the people that I relied on as friends only seem to let me down. No, not let me down, letting me down would imply an accident a mistake something that you can apologize for. You can’t apologize for using someone, thats an active decsion, you can’t say sorry I for got to call you back for the 10 calls over the last 2 weeks. Thats not forgetting thats ignoring. and maybe some may say i’m self absorbed or being childish but seriously what kind of person says “you’re my best friend” and then never answers the phone.... god forbid i actually need someone.... God forbid I need help... idk i wish there was someone somewhere that could make all of this shit make sense... cause even at my level I can’t understand why I’m treated like absolute shit 

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1/20/17 (A week Later)

So I let a week pass just because and It was a eh one. 1st last weekend i visited old college friends I told them about my recent struggle with depression and they seemed to care, until they were drunk and high then it was back to being called a bitch and worthless. I left remembering how this all started with friends undervaluing all the things i do for them. and now a week later again my friend has forgotten me and ditched me so heres a later that he’ll never see

Do you remember....?

That time your mother disappeared for a week without a word

Do you remember...?

Packing up your childhood home as your mom vacationed with her boyfriend and his kids

Do you remember...?

The feeling when you found out your mother was drinking again

Do you remember...?

when your sister kicked you out because of something stupid

Do you remember...?

When your mother promised to take you to the amusement park and went without you

Do you remember...?

the only time your dad cared  about you was when he was fucking your mother

Do you remember...?

when the only christmas presents you received were from me and my sister

Do you remember...?

when you had nowhere else to go and i gave you my bed

Do you remember...?

when your mother lied to you Again

Do you remember...?

when she spent money she had promised you

Do you remember...?

When your girlfriend ignored you all day even though she read your messages

Do you remember...? 

When your “best friend” lied to convince you to leave his house

Do you remember...?

How it all felt every time the person you loved the most betrayed you

Do you remember...?

who was there with you every single time

Do you remember...? Becasue I do....

Everything your family and friends did to you that you hate so much, you’ve done to me... so i remember even if you don’t.... 

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1-13-17 -No Small Success-

My therapist tried to convince me there is no small success, that every step forward is a success and that it should be treated as an accomplishment. So my success today is, i took a shower, i brushed my teeth and i shaved. I didn’t go to work, and largely only spent 2 maybe 3 hours outside of my room and if i’m being totally honest I don’t really feel to positively about myself. I felt extra lonely (no answers to my text once again) and pretty useless. My mom and sisters worrying has officially made me feel worse, for 2 people who have suffered with depression you would think they would be smarter than saying “feel better” if i could force myself to feel better i would. If i could feel how i did before i let so many people rip my heart to shred i would have been able to put on some decent clothes and go to a club, or have a drink without fearing how many i’m going to knock back or what i’ll do after achieve a drunken state. Instead I have spent the entire day in bed and i feel like shit. overall today was a neutral day... it most definitely wasn’t good, but it couldn’t even pretend to be bad because i took no real part in it.

sorry for my whining and thank you for listening people of the web....or person of the web... or simply the web.... maybe tomorrow getting my tattoo will make me feel better....

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1-12-17 -Back(ed) to Action-

Similar to the famous (or infamous) line from the power rangers, I felt as if i was jumping back into action, with the visit to my counselor. It has been about 3 months but when I sat down it was like no time had past like i was still struggling with ME and it was just another session. but for me it was a new session the admittance of depression this long standing feeling of dread, and anger and anxiety and for me a weakness. I look forward with working with him though, i feel as though he has his work cut out for him, because i’m certainly not the easiest person to deal with.

I also saw my 17 year old I like to believe that he is really working on getting control of his life, but the truth is that its probably just a small phase before he’s back at it, Drugs, Girls, tacky rap lyrics. my only hope is that he dosn’t start messing with guys too. My “ex Wife” stood me up for dinner and it really did hurt my feelings, I know it shouldn’t that i shouldn’t let others affect how i feel about myself. Yet still its become so common for people to just bail and ditch me and I’m suppose to be okay with it. I’m not okay with it though, my time is just a precious as anyone else’s

Goals for tomorrow clean my car, don’t buy a pack of ciggerates and maybe get out of bed longer than an hour. Thank you for listening everyone/no one it means the world too me

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1/11/17  -Anxiety-

Today I made it to work, and stay a whole 8.5 hours. I’m proud of myself yet the second I returned home from work i found myself anxious. there is no comfort in my own skin tonight. I feel it crawling and my gut shaking and everything seems to tell me that something bad is coming and I feel it at my core and its all i feel. I am conflicted I wish to be surrounded by friend and loved (like I have any friends) and yet I wish to stay in my room alone where its is safe and no one can hurt me... or so I tell myself. One of my older friends is pregnant and part of me wishes it was mines, or that I could have children so maybe I can have something else to focus on, but alas i have nothing but my own crushing anxiety to think about. 

Once again I failed to make my goal I was unable to create a story once again. I’m stuck on just a simple line:

    It all started with a kiss, a hot, heavy, sweat filled ugly kiss.

thanks once again no one, or everyone, or even someone... i fear as i find myself less motivated these post will get shorter

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1/10/17 -Obsession

Today was a bad day, maybe not totally I got to connect with an old friend who is also having a hard time, she also reassured me that I’m not as bad a person as I feel. but other than that today was long and unsatisfying, I also can’t motivate myself enough to write something new. I did manage to go to work and that was a major plus for me I’m hoping to largely keep the trend.

Goals for tomorrow WRITE, do not think about the boy, do not text the boy, do not call the boy, and do not spend money.... wish me luck

Thank you for your attention who ever you are... if you even are....

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January 9th 2017 -Goals-

I would first like to Amend my previous post, yesterday was not a high day, and neither was today. Actually upon greater thought i realize designating a day as High, Low, Good or Bad does me very little service in trying to communicate how I’m feeling and how I wish to feel in the future. Today was a day in which I skipped work and didn’t leave at all today. I left early (1am) which was more of yesterday by design of my sleep schedule and in the moments that I was with my friend I felt “better” but not whole. He promised me that he would stop focusing on getting high and start putting effort into growing up and becoming a better person. This change in him gave me a sense of hope for his future. and then I came home and sleep. When I woke I called out from work and proceeded to do nothing all until about 4 where I decided to fold cloths clean my room and put up posters and pictures that have sat in a box for the last 2 years. Then I had a conversation about love. and here is where i’m about to put my foot in my figurative mouth and maybe divulge too much information over the web but here we go...

I’m in love with him. Now I have been with guys since I was 7, and been openly and out as a bi-sexual man since I was 22, and always lived my life as a bi-sexual man. To love another man would mean nothing to me, if he was 17. my best friend who is trouble on top of trouble and can’t seem to pull himself out of the situation that his family has defined for him is only 17 years old and I could argue that he’ll be 18 soon, but the truth is that’s meaningless. I’m 25 and an Adult I have taken care of myself since I was 7. I have baby sat and taken care of others since i was 10. I pay my bills and have no problems being responsible. Even if he turned 18 tomorrow his mind is still that of a kid, he doesn’t think about the future, and he’s beyond reckless, and he’d lie to your face with the truth standing right beside him. but he is mines. I love him and that’s what pains me. Its not that I question his love for me, in fact I am certain that he loves me back despite being straight. And I don’t worry of false accusations of inappropriateness happening between us i’d face those beliefs whole heatedly. The thing about him that makes me sick, that cause me physical and mental dread is I fear that he will never meet his potential, that he will get so lost in the game, in drugs, in crazy girls and “fun” that he’ll never be able to get out. I fear that he’ll lose his future.... when it comes to him I’m lost... how do I save his life... when I can barely hold on to mines...

Thank you again for allowing me to vent in these random postings and musing/ journal entries. If you are reading things and have insight or questions feel free to ask or comment. I promised creative writing today but I wasn’t all there to do it I hope I can do so tomorrow 

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Reblog if all you did this year was become more gay.

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A Last Thought Before i Crash

I realized I don’t believe Im going to beat this... I don’t believe that I’ll know a moment that isn’t filtered through feelings of inadequacy and shattered esteem. I don’t think i’ll ever not be sad. I fear that a me in the future will do something that me today isn’t ready to discuss... but I think before that moment comes, before I lose all hope, Im going to make sure I do my best to help everyone in the world around me. When I leave this world I want to know that I left it in a good place. Good night..

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So fragile, so dead inside

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January 8th 2017 -Monster Ache-

Im going to start by calling today a high day, I only welled in the eyes once and didn’t really feel too irritable or angry or honestly much of anything negative. I didn’t feel attractive today but i am wearing my contacts. the only productive thing i accomplished was removing the snow off my car, and visiting my 55 year old neighbor (and probably closest confidant) as she watched her grandson. I talked two of my best friends of course both seemed to busy to bother with me and it hurts more now thinking back than in that time and moment. Despite all these negative things i’m calling today a high. Maybe its because i feel like the last week has been so low and i just need something to be high but its my ranking for the day.

A side conversation I want to talk about Hope. In my philosophical math that i do in my head when i’m trying to bury the bad thoughts as deep as possible i thought about how powerful and dangerous hope is. I grow up on shows like Sailor moon, Card Captor Sakura and the short lived Tokyo Mew Mew. i remember their tales of the power of love and how meaningful Love is suppose to be but, i don’t feel it. Love isn’t really a driving factor in this world i believe its hope. Hope is that gnawing feeling that its going to get better. Or Hope is that thing that says if i just push forward it’ll work out. and Hope is that pervading thought if i can just make it to the shower the rest of the day will fall into place. and The lack of hope is equally as powerful, that thought that says No matter how hard you try you’ll never matter. and he’s going to take advantage of you just like all the others, and at the end of the day everything you did was meaningless. Hope so powerful when you have it, yet so dreadful when you don’t. I realize that hope is the only thing keeping me going most days the Hope that i’ll feel normal again, soon. and that I’ll be able to have the friends i love back and maybe at the end of this journey how ever long it may be that there will be sunshine, rainbows, and candy cane on the other side. but as of yet i don’t know.

Thank you again for your attention, or no attention, My goal for tomorrow is to get out of bed, fold my laundry, and maybe write something creative. Wish me luck 

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January 7th 2017 -The Inside-

So today was a “low” day for me... or maybe it was closer to a “middle” day. You know what lets call to day “middle-low.” It wasn’t all bad to be honest i started and finished the 3 season of Degrassi Next Class and if your watching or have watched Lola is my spirit Animal, and Maya Matlin (which wonderful name btw) is pretty much how i feel 75% of the time. Due to the wonderful “blizzard” i guess that is what the east coast calls all this god awful snow, I am confined to my domicile simply because i have very few (no) friends nearby and its still a little to dangerous to drive. In other good news i was able to watch more shows that I've missed in the last few months since i started working night shift and largely today i feel “pretty” i don’t feel that often. I inquired with a co worker about if they were still looking for a roommate. I think now is the time for me to move out, I know financially its not smart and I’m mostly happy here with my mother and sister but still I find that i’m coming to a crawl on my personal growth and I fear that soon it will become a screeching halt. I even heard from my friend in jail today, its nice to hear his voice and to hear his plans for when he gets out. Its so rare that I find someone who can admit their problems and want to change their ways and hearing this has given me hope for people and him. I promised that as long as he’s trying to change his ways i would support him and be their for him 100 percent.

So their was some bad today too. for starters its my day off and i’m isolated because of the snow. I hate being Alone. Sometimes i find being by myself to be refreshing, but today is not one of those days. Today i needed to be surrounded and distracted as my thoughts became crowded. Then there’s my friend situation due to the beguiling efforts of his other friends mother he believes me a liar and a snitch. As such he refuses to speak with me or contact me it entirely breaks my heart. but more so than that, there’s his doubt a young man that would lie to my face would believe me, a man who has told him the truth since day one, to lie to him about anything. I’m frustrated by this woman, and confused by her motives what would a woman gain from driving me away from him? That’s a mystery to solve at a later time. I’m worried about money and recent changes to my work schedule and student loans will see me making a little less for a little while. And then ultimately there’s my life, i have let it spend beyond my control. lm lost in my head today wondering how i can get back on track and honestly i don’t know how. i feel myself drowning  and searching for ways to be okay with the course my life has taken but i just don’t know.

Anyway thanks everyone, or maybe no one for letting me vent and share this journey with you.

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Return. Change. Moving Foward

Welcome to 2017 its been 6 whole days and about 2 hours into a 7th and I've already lost most of my “umph.” So I have Returned. I mean i’m not famous, and no one misses me but I think its time for me to do a little writing therapy. I used to write all the time. I wrote stories, lyrics, I wrote random notes to friends, hell i even wrote Myspace and Facebook status updates regularly. and if that’s not telling of how much time has passed since I've called myself a person who writes then i have no idea what the word “evidence” means. So for this morning i’m going start my Prelude to my journal of the flaming Idiot by telling a little bit about Why

I’m Blu, 7 days ago I broke, the weight of my world rested upon my shoulders and the pillars that I had grown to trust and believe in failed me, and then i failed my world. With tears streaming down my face and squeezed tightly unto my mothers bosom I chanted “its all in my head... its all in my head.” Fear painted her face, her eyes betrayed the strong determined woman she had to be and in them you could see her weakness. To tell the truth I’ve dealt with “depression” my entire life, now the therapist won’t call it that because I’m good, I hide it well. To those closest to me though, they’ve seen the struggle to get out of bed, to love myself, to stop the tears and on that day, new years eve my mom had finally realized that we couldn’t keep fighting this in silence. and I won’t. Today marks 7 long and hard days that have passed. the thing that triggered this latest episode still hurts, boy it hurts more than any of the many traumatic things in my past, but i will move past it. My body is still physically unsettled from the harsh, childish, reckless and dangerous way i chose to deal with my pain. My mind racing scratching to find an easier way to cope with this tragedy that isn’t a tragedy but is ego, hurt, frail, weak, meaningless ego. So today 7 days past what i’m referring to be the last time i allow myself to break i’m returning Here to post to leave my stories for You, all of you, one of you, or even none of you, to read to comment and hell even to bully as i try and push myself out of this troubled time.

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thoughts on lion's gender

As I said, I actually wrote this a few months ago. Mostly edited to include subsequent points that came up afterwards through discussion with endlesswitch and others. But passing up an excuse to post an obnoxious wall of text? Never!

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