bloodyxvalentine

[bloodyxvalentine]

The First Snowfall

Living in New York City there was always so much to do, especially during the holidays. Carter didn’t get to really celebrate as a kid, but having Casie he had always tried to make sure that they always did something special. More than enough times he would be on tour or back in Cleveland hosting the annual XXmas show he put on.  He was used to the snow especially being in Cleveland, but the two best things that he enjoyed about this time of year were going out to see the lights and of course being able to spend the first Christmas as a family with his wife, Everleigh. The first snowfall of the season hadn’t ever really appealed to him because he hated the snow. As he began to get older, his interests changed including extreme sports like snowboarding and trying flips with anything that he could. 

When he had Casie things changed. Carter found himself doing things that he would have never done before. Thinking back to when she was younger he smiled thinking about her first time with the snow. Her hands weren’t sure of the feel at first and she even tried to eat some, but the look on her face was priceless. This year would be different because he was actually able to be home and hopefully get time with both of his sisters as well. Getting ready to go see the lights while the light dusting of snow was perfect to make the experience even better. “Casie, come on your mom and I are ready!” Carter called out to their eleven year old daughter. It seemed crazy that she was going to be twelve soon and how fast she was growing up right before his eyes. 

Piling into the car he watched as both Everleigh and Casie settled themselves into the car. Carter’s car was obviously not the kind to take out to look at lights. Taking his wife’s, the trio soon headed out as they looked at house by house. Seeing both his wife and daughter’s reactions were the absolute best part of his night. This was the way it should have always been even all the way back when the two were kids. As they drove and checked out everything New York City had to offer for lights and other decorations, he knew that this was going to be the start of an amazing year and he had a wonderful family to share all of it with.

[bloodyxvalentine]

Prisoner

It was my first day of therapy and with all the interviews i was doing it was getting kind of hard to even think. I wasn't one who enjoyed talking about things that bothered me and probably never would be. My life felt like a media circus with how they would portray me and let’s face it, sh*t like that sucks. Every single thing that i was going through was getting to me and my temper was starting to show. I wasn’t the type of guy that could just sit down and tell you his life story. Even when I did interviews and sh*t, I never told people too much, exactly for the reason of how I would be portrayed. Now? Now here I am getting my ass ready to go to therapy. What the f*** was even going on with my life? While it had been the most successful and best year there were some pretty f***ed up moments that had gone on too. I was just about ready when I looked at my watch and hated the fact I had to listen to someone give me advice when they didn’t even know me.  

When I first arrived there I sure as hell didn’t know what to think. Was I really ready to tell complete strangers things about me? Things that i had worked damn hard to either forget or use more substances to numb the pain? How the f*** was a guy like me of all people, supposed to do that? I had more questions than answers and although it was nothing new, here I was. Making this step before my ass ended up in court or worse. Trouble seemed to always find me and of course this time wasn’t any different. My label was pretty annoyed with me and the ways I had been acting and so they ever so sweetly suggested that therapy might be a good thing for me. My way of thinking is if i didn’t go through sh*t, then i wouldn’t have nothing to write about. We grow as people when we try new things and sure this was new, but it was one of the things I had despised, but yet, here I was.

“Mr. Nash, please come in.” Looking up from the waiting room chair I set my phone back in my pocket, hands ran through my blonde hair and I made my way into his office. “My name is Dr. Robert Thompson. How are you?” The guy seemed nice enough, but this was a whole new scenario for me and goddamn was I uncomfortable. . “Carter. Good to meet you.” I didn’t say much because this wasn’t my ideal situation, but even though i never wanted to admit it, maybe I should have done this years ago. Who was I kidding? This sh*t sucked and I needed to get out of here and fast. “Listen, before we start i'll tell you a few things right now. My daughter is off limits. You have no reason to be asking about her.” I was straight to the point and didn’t give a f*** how it sounded. This was already getting annoying and I didn't have the patience to deal with all of it. “I know you’re doing your job, but …” It was in that moment that tears welled up in my eyes and for some odd reason I became sad and angry all at the same time. 

There are times I'd get angry, sure, but this was different. I was so overcome with emotions that I just started to blurt things out. “Why? Why did god take my father, my aunt...everyone i’m f***ing close to or try to repair relationships with and it’s like im bein’ punished time and time again.” The thought was always in my head and it was one of those that you never seem to get rid of, but it eats at you. “Why wasn’t I wanted? All the other kids I knew growing up had families. Mothers who loved them and showed them what love was and is.” I used the back of my hand to wipe the few single tears that had fallen down my cheek and couldn’t even seem to shut my mouth as much as i wanted to. “Carter, you know it’s good to show emotion. Your mother loved you and although it's hard to understand, you will. You’re having emotions come to the surface that you haven’t ever felt before. This is normal.” I soon snapped back to being the me who shut everyone else out except for my daughter or my band. “Look, I've said too much. I’m not high as you can tell. We done yet orrr?” Of course we weren’t, but I was ready to get the hell out of there. Deep down I knew that it was good for me to be here and even though i didn’t show it, it felt good just to get that little bit out. 

I sat there deep in thought for a few as he kept talking to me, eyes scanned the room. Living in Florida sure was different than anywhere i had ever lived. From New Orleans to Cali to New York to Ohio and now calling the keys home, there were more opportunities...even if they were illegal. “I just want the pain to stop.” I took a deep breath and instantly became fidgety as my anxiety was already keeping me on edge, I spit out my words without even thinking about what I was going to say. “My mom beat me. They would fight so bad my dad would hit her and instead of hitting him...i’d get the belt, fists, anything. I was her own punching bag.” I took a deep breath and suddenly I added onto what I had said a bit ago. “The first time i tried to attempt suicide was when i was five. I remember there was a bottle of bleach that my mother would use to pass her piss tests and when i found it, i drank it down.” That memory was hell for me to bring up and although I barely made it out alive from that time, my mother thought of a way to cure me or so her crazy mind thought. 

“I hoped it would kill me, but mom had other ideas. She used me as her drug buddy. I mean whatever she would get for drugs, before she would inject them, i got the very first taste. The reaction I had would tell her how good it was or if it was sh*t.”  I stood up and had to walk around. I felt as if the walls were coming down on me as I paced back and forth by the window, my eyes stuck on the people outside seemingly happy. “You know, she would keep me locked in my room. I was a prisoner in my own house and here I am a prisoner in my own mind.”