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Romance

Why is romance so hard? We can meet that perfect person. And ruin it all. We can lay down YEARS of groundwork and it all can just crumble. Or people dive to fast and lose it. Why is it so hard to keep? Or better yet, tell someone we love them? And yes i mean love. I know what the difference is between like, love and crush. I have this person i love and yet you cant tell them because it could ruin things. And that sounds so childish and yes maybe it is but at the same time its a real concern. Everything the world has built up to has made this unlikely friendship work. And id drop eveything in a heartbeat to make them happy. Run across oceans, miss cons, skip work, lose my mind just to see them smile. Ive set up whole elaborate plans just to hear a laugh. The greatest laugh like bells chiming perfectly. And yet its so hard. Maybe because we are so used to being damaged that the idea of a perfect thing or being with the ONE person who could heal you scares you. The one person youd leave your “life” for in a heatbeat. Spend hundreds to make happy or even spend nothing to just make a memory over the phone. Because i believe dates dont need to be expensive or in person. Or in the same town. Or state.

Love, Oliver

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Death

Sorry for being gone so long. Theres been a lot going on in my life. Constantly working, lost friends (both through death and abandonment). And it made me realize that while its partly my fault. Sometimes people just leave and thats ok. We arent to blame everytime someone dies or walks out no matter how much we feel we are. The number of times i have beat myself up just because i belive that its my fault for them leaving or something is insane. But thats not how it should be. We arent gods, just humans. Living day to day in this world. But the main thing we can control is who we keep meeting and surrounding ourselves with. As for me? Ill just keep doing my thing. Waiting on someone to come and stick around. Even if life gets rough or tough which mine constantly is. But thats ok because in life. The right people will understand. And you will do great.

Love, Oliver

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Reality

So i recently had to take a break because my life got so crazy and i kept making promises i couldnt keep to post and for that i am sorry. Ive also had trouble getting motivated to write. But lately ive noticed myself filling my time with meaningless activities. I think alot of us do this. We do what we have to to keep busy so we dont focus on the real world around us. We ignore reality so that we feel safe and comfortable in the worlds we craft. Its often why we lie to people we know or keep the truth from them. Its not right by any means but we should try and understand. We get so hurt by this but at the same time sometimes people NEED to craft a better life. Or even they have a warped perspective on their lives. Sadly a lot of people who feel this way are trapped in this mindset and refuse to try and fix themselves or they cant. Its often involuntary, like breathing. I just wish i could understand my own brain better. Maybe thats another reason i started this. To discect the human experience better. Only time will tell.

Love, Oliver

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Change up

Hey guys so doing a change up. My life is getting crazy complex so im changing to a once a week posting style instead. Hope yall stick around!

Love, Oliver

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Family

“Blood is thicker than water”. This saying is supposed to be saying that family is the most important thing in the world. And a lot of the time it can be. And thats amazing. But for some family isnt what it needs to be. They can be toxic, abusive, and just harmful to your health. And if that is your situation i am truly sorry. I can only do so much for you all and i want to do so much more. But there is a saying i prefer, “friends are the family you choose.” The loved ones and friends we choose to surround ourselves with are almost a closer family. Some times they know you the best and you trust them more. I have some people like that. They are incredible humans that i love more than anything. And i hope that everyone out there knows there is someone they can call friend, or more. Its so important as a tangible species that we have people that can hold us up either emotionally or physically, but that we can also hold up ourselves. For care is not a 1 way street. It goes multiple ways. For as someone holds you up. You also hold them up more than you know.

Love, Oliver

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Therapy

Therapy isnt a bad thing. You arent wrong for needing it at all. Sometimes its necessarry. But it can come in many different forms. From reading a post, a book, watching movies, talking to people, crying, ranting, screaming, etc. Whatever someone needs to help is therapy. And it doesnt make you weak or a failure. Life isnt easy. Everyday is a struggle in some form but it benefits us to progress. Even if we cant see there is always something later on down the line waiting for us. That special someone or something. And its not my place or anyones to tell us who, when, wher, or why. We just need to keep on fighting and progressing till we find the person (or people) who make us feel safe, and happy. Because we are a tangible species. We need that physical connection in some way to assure us that itll be ok. Therapy does that for us. And im so proud of everyone reading this for making it this far and i know you can keep going. And even when it all feels like too much you know you arent alone no matter what. Because somehow, somewhere. Somone wants you around. Someone needs you to be there for them too.

Love, Oliver

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Sorry

I meant to post today and im sorry i havent ive just been with some very special people today that make me happy and i feel i can be the MOST me. I swear ill post tomorrow.

Love, Oliver

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Music

A binding force in the world, music connects people internationally. Think about your favorite song(s). Think about how many others love that song that you know personally. Imagine how many love it worldwide. Yet for some peopl music connects very differently. It resonates harder, means more, sounds deeper, and becomes far more personal. For people like me, memories become attached to music, good or bad. I find sometimes i am transported back in time when listening to some old cds of mine or mix tapes (because im a 19 year old with a 80s Obsession), back to different memories with each song. Sometimes a particular song will remind me of a movie and ill have an urge to watch it. Or some songs make me feel extra gay, others perfectly content. And it doesnt matter the genre. Some hard rock songs make me feel calm and collected. It really depends on the song, mood im in, and meaning attached to the song. It becomes an extremely personal attachment that varies from person to person. Im curious now. What is each of your favorite songs and bands? No judgement. No hate. Just a general love for music and the emotions it brings.

Love, Oliver

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Update

So little life update. Recently i came out to a group of friends and it felt really good. It wasnt nearly as scary since they sorta already knew but also sharing my blog with them felt so much bigger. Like they can just see into my head and know what im thinking. Granted i havent been the best friend to all of them that i could have been and for that im sorry. Because i feel safe with these guys. Like arounmd them im with a loving family which is what we all want and need. And its crazier that i was able to just be my gay self around them. I couldnt ask for a better group to call my family. And i hope they always know how important they are.

Along with this i bought a giant HUMAN flag with the different lgbtq flags on it. I didnt think it was as big as it was but hey, pride is huge. My entire life feels like its changing but theres still this empty part. I know im just missing someone to share it all with. The Blue to my Simon. And ive hurt people close to me in tryig to find it and havent been as good a person as i could or should be. And i only know that i need to grow and become someone better and more. I just hope that its not to late to find forgiveness from those ive hurt.

Love, Oliver

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People

As of late ive noticed my life taking some weird turns. Ive never been popular nor have i pretended but it still sucks. I never needed a ton of friends but ive been feeling so lonely and abandoned lately. Its hit this point where i feel i have no one i can talk to in my life because no one wants me around. And no before you ask no im not suicidal. Just opening my eyes. Most people dont actually seem to like the others they are around. Ive noticed so many people seem tired or sick of seeing the people around them that its ridiculous. And i realize so many people just surround themselves with people because they want a quantity of friends or hang with the people who will make them popular rather than happy. Or they hang with people society expects them to be with. It doesnt matter what age they are. People can go from being exceptionally nice to someone in the room but the second they leave they “Sandra Dee” them (That scene in Grease). But maybe its just that ive been single so long and i just want a love story too. Or maybe its truly that i am alone. For lately i feel distant from my family, like i cant talk to them either and that doest help the whole coming out thing. We as a species have always concerned ourselves with climbing the social ranks and it leaves us spiteful and angry. Or maybe im just tired of being alone every day.

Love, Oliver

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Waiting

As a species we have forgotten how to wait. We expect everything to come to us immediately. People, food, services, romance, etc. etc. We don’t have patience anymore. People come to my job and they can be exceptionally rude. No one wants to wait even a few minutes for anything. We live in an immediate society. Life comes to our beck and call at times. If we could only remember or relearn patience i believe the world would be a happier place. Most of the times that person you are yelling at or chewing out has no control over whatever the problem is. Recently i went to a mcdonalds. And there was a woman yelling at the person on the register because of some price being too high. Im willing to bet not only can the register operator not control the prices, they dont like them either because they eat and spend a ton of time here. And i see it everywhere i go. Whomever the face of whatever store it is gets the brunt of the companies decisions. And we are the same with romance. If the other person isnt immediately ready the other will often move on. I have waited a long time for my perfect love story, thought i had it a few times. Alas it wasnt so, i keep waiting because i know in good time all things come. Doesnt mean its always easy to wait. Just helps a little. So have a little more patience, try understanding even when you are mad, and let the good times come to you.

Love, Oliver

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Value

Humanitys history is one of value. Ever since the dawn of time we have chased the things that we view as holding value to us. Whether it is materialistic or not. And that wont ever change. Everyone always has something they value. Which is amazing. But its when we hold the wrong things valuable that it turns wrong. Bad jobs, friendships, relationships, familial ties, anything. What do you do when all you held valuable hurts you and deserts you? You become bitter and angry. Its not the life id wish upon anyone. No matter who they are or what theyve done. Everyone deserves valuables they can count on. But what about what values you hold? Can you look in a mirror and match the values you hold others up to? Or are you holding people too high a hypocritical position? Do you expect more out of others than you give yourself? Ive been that person. I held people up to certain standards but fellshort of them strongly myself. It was a bad time. And its left me feeling empty and lonely. I was hurt and decided the world should hurt too. Changing into a better person took almost everything i had but i am so glad i did. So take a deep look. What are your values? What do you hold valuable? Do you live up to your own values and standards? Or do you need to change?

Love, Oliver

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Loyalty

I’d never considered the backlash loyalty could have. Especially in a relationship. Recently i started thinking. Someone came to me and was questioning their loyalty and what they should do. And honestly its something everyone should think about. I highly believe its ok to lose feelings for other people. It may suck and hurt but if you dont feel the same way anymore dont lie to them. If you care about them or used to you should be honest. Loyalty doesnt mean you are stuck with someone till something bad happens. I think that breaking up shouldnt be so bad but should be a learning experience. Like “hey that was nice. Have a good life” and move on. If it ends badly i understand being upset and hurt but i dont think leaving because of lost feelings should ruin you for other relationships or make you feel stuck. If youve lost feelings for someone however, be courteous and wait to start something new. Often youll feel a emptiness in you that you think only a relationship can feel. Thats only there because youve gotten used to the relationship and the benefits it comes with. All you need is to take some time and rediscover who you are. The best way to be loyal is to be honest. Even when you fear youll hurt the other person. Be true to yourselves, and you will be true to others

Love, Oliver

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Rant

Ok so this is just a rant. It is so hard to think of a new subject to talk about everyday. Usually by the time i post something has happened that inspires me to just pour my heart our and hopefully inspire others. So instead of that today im just gonna do a call to arms. Anyone who has something they want me to discuss please send me a message and i will. In the meantime i think rather than just discussing the usual subject style ill start breaking down my life and analyzing things like that on a more personal level.

Love, Oliver

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Rain

Rainy days can be amazing cant they? Its storming out. Grab a blanket, movie, popcorn (i prefer kettle corn) and just watch some tv or movies with a cuddle buddy? Sounds perfect right? Its awesome. I only wish i had the cuddle buddy part. But life is alot like the weather. Sometimes its sunny and nice out, not too hot or cool, its perfect. Some days are cuddly rainy days where you just feel like staying in cuddled up and in the comfort of your home. Some days are storms and they bring bad tidings. But what makes most days better is that special someone. I like to think everyone in life has someone that makes them wanna see the sun again. However sometimes we get hit with a hurricane and we drown, and some dont get back up. Call it a hero complex but i wish i could be there for everyone who feels like the are drowning. For all the lost souls who just got swept away. Not because itd make me feel accomplished or better. But because theyd be healthy and happy. Maybe not right away. But eventually. I guess i wanna be everyones safety blanket through the rain, impossible as that is. I guess ill just sit here and wait to save who i can. Bring light to someones day. And to my readers who are caught in a hurricane? Go ahead and message me. Ill always reply unless you ask me not to because you just need an annonymous rant place. And who knows? Maybe if you guys really want ill set up a discord or something “safe space”. Ill be your blanket, if you want. Remember that rain always ends and hurricanes always past. No matter how bad they seem at the time.

Love, Oliver

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Dreams

Dreams are the eyes of the subconscious showing us what we dont yet realize. Sometimes its simple, sometimes complicated. They often try and open our eyes to the world around us and yet too often we write them off as just yet another natural thing. Yet some cultures have found deeper power in dreams and have concocted elixers of sorts that help strengthen dreams or help remind us of our dreams. But why? What deeper understanding have they unlocked? Maybe the secret to fully unlocking the human potential lies within our dreams. Certain truths about the world. Or Premonitions. For example, have you ever had a dream then found yourself living that moment in real life? Then chalked it off as deja vú? Perhaps this is the life we already lived and are just rewatching. Or we saw into the future. Another theory is that dreams are the windows to the multiverse and we can see other realities that we exist within. I personally like that theory the best. As cool as it is to see into the future i prefer to think i can write my own destiny. I make my own choices. However the idea of seeing into other realities? Consider what could happen if we found a way to deeper tap into that. Interdimensional travel! Think of the differences in other worlds that we could see? Yet dreams also provide us with visions of our deepest fears. They scare us and sometimes bring us face to face with who we are. And im sure im rambling but i bet some understand how important a dream could be. They show us our truest selves and let us be who we need to be. This goes for daydreaming as well. Yet be cautious you dont daydream of the past to much and dwell on what could have been. Take everything as a learning experience and carry on. Dream well my friends and readers.

Love, Oliver

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Hate

One of the strongest emotions and the one we are most vocal about. Hate has existed since the dawn of time and will stay till the end of time. Yet we put it in the wrong places far to often. As a member (secretly) of the lgbtq community we know hate well. But we dish it out just as much towards those who hate us. Often accidently. Or on a more widespread way, people whos opinions differ from ours. Heavens forbid someone has a opinion that doesnt match yours. Time to blog it to the world how they suck or dont matter. I see this all the time online and it always makes me sad. But the retaliations are almost just as bad honestly. I wish that as a species we could see something we dont like and just keep going. Or handle it calmly. Maybe its because theres an anonymous aspect to being online? Theres no real consequence for being a dick to someone. But just cause theres no punishment shouldnt excuse you. I grew up in a place where you were nice just to be nice. And to this day ill be nice even if im having the worst day ever. However if you are rude to me i will not make excuses for you and instead will leave. Granted im the type where if someone throws a fist ill do what i must to survive. But i reserve hate for those who honestly deserve it. The guy online who likes this thing more than that thing you love doesnt deserve your hate. Control your words, it could be the breaking point for someone else. Being courteous is something we should just do, leave the hate and repression for generations past. Its time to make our own destiny.

Love, Oliver