blindedhands

[blindedhands]

I want to be held so closely, so tightly, that I feel the world would end if I were to let go.

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

It is only with the utmost desperation that I desire for someone to need to love me the way I yearn to be loved.

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

There is a gap between our bodies and in these moonlit hours, my eyes are on the curve of your back, tracing the rise and fall of your shoulders. The distance is mere inches, but it feels as though my heart has slipped from its place and is begging for you to turn around, to notice. And still, your back faces me and I face you. 

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

I write of love and loss with blood staining my fingers. My hands punched through the cavity of my chest, gripping my beating heart with every punctuation. How else will I convey the words in my heart if they do not come from the source?

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

Woman is shame. Woman is loss. Woman is beauty.

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

i am a picture book of memories and regrets, captions blurred with the moments i've forgotten. what will remain in the years to come? will the memories fade like my tears have fallen? will i know enough to mourn? what i have lost.

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

half-shaven legs and the bare grass pricking its way through my skirt,

the scent of tears in the air and mosquito bites inching their way up my thighs

when did growing up mean sitting back and watching the world pass by faster than i could catch up?

will i ever be enough?

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

my pathetic heart still whispers your name like it is mine to call,

and my brain doesn’t know how to tell it to stop,

to pour cement into the space carved out just for you,

a home where you have resided from the moment we met.

how can i erase you when you are so thoroughly embedded within me?

with every stupid beat of this bleeding heart, screaming for you,

how could this body ever forget?

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

bare feet on linoleum 

i stand in the quiet hours

midnight past

the dim light of the fridge flickers

the groceries are still on the counter

dad had just come home

and the chips i mentioned liking last week

sit in three

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

i love you not with my heart but with my bones;

for in the years to come when I am no longer here 

and the memories of our love have been forgotten, 

my bones will remain

and when they find me, 

they will know that I am yours

utterly. 

wholly. 

hopelessly. 

yours

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

my body heaves with the freedom of this newfound breath 

fingers clutching my skirt

it’s length hitched above my ankles

palms stained green from the grass

and knees skinned raw

there is joy to be found in falling headfirst not knowing where you’ll land 

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

my body has a way of remembering your presence

an open book of memories

a catalogue full of you

goosebumps left in your wake

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

you’re all my heart ever talks about

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

the years have passed and your hair has grown

flowers blossomed and seasons changed

from middle school to high school and now college

minutes and hours and days

and still i am here, at the playground of our elementary school

hands tangled in the grass, looking for flowers to make chains out of

hoping that wherever you are

you are remembering too 

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

how many hearts have ached for me?

because of me?

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

my jar of hearts is dwindling 

stamped with I love you’s and be mine’s

i gave them out like candy

but what seemed like endless supply of sweetness

is now an empty jar 

what else is there for me to give?

who will repair these cracks now that I have nothing left to offer? 

j.m.n.

[blindedhands]

my heart is paid for hire

easily bought

easy to use 

and just as easily discarded 

j.m.n.