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TRUE CRIME PODCASTER: *in the same cadence you would tell a preschooler a bedtime story* ...and this guy was kinda freakin gross! He would hang his victims on meat hooks in his shack! I'm not gonna lie guys, that sounds pretty icky! Major red flag moment, LOL! But do you know who WOULDNT send you human organs? Our sponsor, HelloFresh!

LOST MEDIA YOUTUBER: *in the same cadence you would issue a debriefing on a terrorist attack* Number 7. The Oonglydoomples. *scary transition sound to slowed down footage of a kids show with a crt filter over it* The Oonglydoomples was a kids show on Nick Jr that ran from 2001 to 2003 that was about Jake Oonglydoomple's adventures in the big city. Only one episode of it has ever surfaced online. We have tried to get into contact with the shows creator, Mark Wankencock, but we've had no luck. Maybe someday, we'll all oonglydoomp once again.

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i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

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Verily, man, this wizard peace is splendid. I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say "spirits o' field and vineyard" or something along those lines, and every one around him was showered in fresh-baked pastries and loaves, had their cups fill with aged wine, and then were soothed by a warm summer breeze. The minstrels didn't even sing his praises, that's what a joyous time this is. And here I've just been casting calming dew and level 2 aura of cheer. I think I just heard "power word: dessert" two groups over. I gotta get over there.

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You ever have that "hungry but nauseous" feeling about activities? Like you really really want to do something and you've got plenty of fun hobbies and things you could pick from but all of the options turn your stomach so you're just laying there bored and angry about it.

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i thought the femboy cafes were the greatest invention ever but this chinese lesbian bar 😭>>>>>

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white people have the sauce sometimes and dont even know it

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As a biochem student and certified nerd, I feel the responsibility to bestow this knowledge upon as many people as I possibly can:

You do NOT need to "earn" meals through exercise.

You know why?

Because exercise only accounts for about 20% of your calories. The majority of the calories your body burns, it uses to keep itself alive. It uses them to power your brain and metabolism. In fact, your brain ALONE is responsible for spending about 20% of your calories.

Your BRAIN, just to keep itself going, uses up just as many (or even more!!!) calories than all the exercise you do.

Your RESTING metabolic rate is responsible for burning between 60 and 75% of your calories.

You don't just deserve food because you're working out. YOU DESERVE FOOD BECAUSE YOUR BODY NEEDS IT TO STAY ALIVE.

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Yes, I am a straight man. Yes, getting the shit beat out of me in an all-male mosh pit is an erotic experience for me. We exist

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Dio Brando is such a world class hater it's insane. Kid hated his adoptive brother so much he decided to make it his whole family tree's problem. Haunted an entire gene pool for over a century just cause his punk brother got in the way of his inheritence. It took a temporal armageddon and a full world reboot just to scrub away the consequences of his fuckin around and he still shows up as a cowboy weredinosaur to ruin everyone's day. A master class in causing problems on purpose.

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SON MISTAKE: In teaching my cat son boy the command "out"- intended to mean, "emerge from the enclosed space"- I have unwittingly trained him to understand that if I open a box, cupboard, cabinet, or fridge in his presence, he need only rush inside and stay there, firmly planted with his wide wet baby eyes, and he will surely be granted the opportunity to earn a delightful little treat

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Hello tumblr I heard you like changeling stories

Edit: If you want a physical copy of this comic!

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Then one faggy Christmas eve, santa came to slay