bkrtbrbs

[bkrtbrbs]

There is nothing more frustrating than being in this generation.

I’m twenty and these are my Nevers:

I’ve never had a boyfriend,

I’ve never kissed a boy,

I’ve never dated a guy,

I’ve never had sex,

I’ve never had at least a talking stage,

Basically, I’ve done nothing with a guy.

Today, I had a breakout.

There is this guy that I like and I followed him on Instagram, but he didn’t follow me back. You would say, it’s fine it’s not a big deal. But in reality, I feel rejected and not pretty enough, not good enough for a guy. Like I’m a monster in some sort. 

Everybody around me says that I’m beautiful, attractive and all those nice things. But the truth is if you don’t believe it or feel it, it doesn’t matter how many times people are going to compliment you and hype you up. There is no fake it until you make it, it’s just there or it isn’t.

Because at the end of the day when you’re alone in your room and look at yourself in the mirror, you feel ugly and unworthy. 

Unworthy of a love that you’ve seen so many times in movies. You feel like you’re going to end up alone and desperate, and that’s my biggest fear:

Ending up alone and never experiencing the one thing you’ve been dreaming about since you were a kid “Love”.

You feel like you’re never getting your own princess movie, your own fairytale. You’ll never be able to feel those emotions that are supposed to be the greatest things.

What’s even worse is when my mom or my sister tell me that I scare guys off because I’m intimidating,

because when you look at me it feels like I’m untouchable, 

or it seems like it’s obvious I will reject you. 

In a way, I understand that I should be flattered but I just don't understand what it means. For me, it’s just confirming the things that I fear the most.

I may sound pathetic, and I would understand that, but nothing frustrates me more than being twenty and feeling the most alone of all.

When I was younger and even now, people always say that the twenties are the best years of their life’s, they had so much fun, they got to experience their first love, their first everything. 

But when will it be my turn. Why can’t I have that when every single person around me is experiencing it. It might be selfish but it’s almost unfair. 

I’m a believer in God and I keep telling myself that my time will come and maybe I need to experience it later in life because Jesus will put someone in my way that will check every single box, and it will be the most perfect guy I’ve ever dreamed of. But what if not.

The worst part is that it’s upsetting me that I feel like this. I shouldn’t be sad about not having a boyfriend. 

But at this point I just don’t want to wait anymore.

I want to have it now, I want to experience love and having someone you think of last before you sleep and first when you wake up. 

Someone to talk to all day long. Someone that will understand me. Someone that will make me laugh and cry at the same time.

Just someone that will make me FEEL.

That’s what I wish for, that’s what I want. 

I want to feel those emotions that I have never experienced before.

I want a love that will make me feel alive through the lows and the highs.

I want love. Is it too much to ask for?