bisonquill

[bisonquill]

The Roads Home

It’s 5:30 on a brisk December evening. I’m driving home after a long 10 hour day. It began at dawn, and ends now as dusk approaches. There’s a crimson sunset in my rear view mirror and a dark sky ahead. The view behind me is filled with life,with a fire of burnt oranges, yellows, and reds; and the sky ahead, filled with deep blues, purples, and just a hint of black that makes me feel both a sense of wonder and dread. I turn up the radio and the music that jumps though the air gives me chills. It’s the type song that gives you meaning, a song that echoes through every bone and every fiber of my being.  I start to think about the path before me. So many roads that could be traveled, so many lives that could be lived. I could just run away, drive into the night and never look back. I could run to those I love, or maybe away from the things I fear. There’s so much I haven’t done, and yet so much I won’t be able to do. This moment, of this day, of this month, year. This particular moment of my life life I have never been more afraid. I am closer to death than I have ever been, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been and I have more regrets now than I’ve ever had. It strikes me that this could the worst feeling I have ever had. Yet... in every dark sky there is light. A new moon starts to rise, and while the vermilion sky starts to fade, city lights start to illuminate. There’s life in this darkness. This is the youngest i’ll ever be, I’’l never be more alive than this moment, and I will never again have the opportunities I do now. This is what it means to be alive. To have fears, regrets, and a sense of dread. But to also have feel happy, exhilarated, loved, appreciated, and perhaps the most human emotion: hopeful. I look ahead and know the night is dark and filled terror, but I also know that my light guides me. I look behind at the life I’ve lived, and ahead to lives that I could. Many paths, but one sky. This is the start of the rest of my life. Come what will. I drive the many roads home, ready for the worst, but hoping for the best.   

[bisonquill]

Being Alone

Its been two months since we called it quits. Before that it was 4 years of a relationship that we struggled to keep afloat. Was that because of my family, or problems with intimacy, or lack of communication, or did we really just not fit together? We said we were going in different directions, that it was for the best. Yet we still talk nearly everyday and had sex 2 (3?) time since. It feels like I still have her, but is she drifting away from me? In thee two months of being “single” I havent felt like the relationship has moved at all. There is something to be said about these month though, I have been mostly alone. Of course I go to school and work and occasionally get a drink with my friend, but I go to bed alone, wake up alone, make myself meals alone, do dishes alone, drive alone, live alone essentially. My roommates are either getting high in their rooms or not here at all. I would join them, but I’m afraid where that road will lead, but more on that later.

 Being alone has given some time to meditate, no, reflect on myself. I seem to have gained some insight to who I am. I want to start by talking about my romantic relationships, but only the three girls that mean the most to me. First was “L”, innocent and sheltered girl who fell in love with the boy who couldn’t give her his heart. I was young and wanted to “play the field” or some shit. I had to think a lot why we even dated as she had been a friend to me before and nothing else. Then I remembered: he had come to me for HELP. She was getting too much attention for this boy she didn’t see in the same light. She asked me to talk to him, to tell him to back off. Something in me clicked. This need to FIX this situation. I suited up and became her macho, football playing, “bad-ass”, “tough” boyfriend and told this guy off and he hated me for years, which is actually funny because he and I are friends now and lived together for some time. The point being though is that after I found this urge to fix something for “L”, I felt some sort of love for her. 

Next came “M”. The little red head girl who liked doctor who and German and wearing mens suits. This lasted a bit longer, just over a year. Initially it was just a crush and for the first month or so I thought this relationship was different. Yet, underlying the lovey dovey new couple mush I could see why I liked this girl: she NEEDED me. First it was just for emotionally support, her last boyfriend was a bit too handsy. Then it was help with school or helping raise her sister since their mother was sick. Then I began to see myself become a father figure for her. Her father was there (physically) but due to other circumstances he was distant and relied on “substances” to deal with his wifes illness. I felt as though this girl, M,  was someone I could spend a life with, being a caretaker, a father, a husband, wheatever she needed, but what she needed most I couldn’t provide. M and I broke up because we fought a lot about stupid thing that we could have worked past, but their was other factors. M was born with the wrong gender. I mean that as open minded and respecting as I can. M was going through a period of self discovery and at the so wise age of 17 I couldn’t understand what that meant. M went on to become R and I think he is much happier and for that I’m glad. 

The last girl i was with, E, well thats a bit of a long story. To sum most of that up E has this personality trait, and i do mean that and not flaw, where she constantly needs affirmation from other, particularly males. I thought this was something i could help her fix or maybe at least channel. I thought that if I could give her all my love all my attention, that it would be enough. Yet I could not foresee the fact that I am actually not the best at doing that. I absolutely can be faithful to her and be cute to her and try my best to satisfy her, but some things I’m bad at: texting, snapping, calling, complimenting, actually most forms of giving attention. Yet this girl and I still lasted four years and are kinda together ish. Its weird. Was it that we stuck together to spite my sister, or to prove her bestfriend wrong, or becaue deep down in spite of the fact we both are really selfish actually, we love each other? 

 In any event, when thinking back on these girls I can’t help but to see a reoccurring plot. “John McAfee try’s to “fix” the girl and win her heart” I’ve found that this is because of a classic defensive mechanism: projection. It doesn’t fit perfectly but basically: I try to “fix” someone so I don’t have to focus on my own issues. What are my issues you may ask? Well let’s start with the fact that I’m basically a borderline sociopath. I have for quite some time fund out that I rarely take any suggestions from anyone even if I know i’m wrong and that I have this feeling of power maybe? or feeling of superiority over other people.  I do say borderline though because I can see the issue and have been trying to work on solutions, a real sociopath wouldn't see any flaws. Next up being something i dont know how to describe other than: obsessively craving stimulation. I have a very hard time when my mind or body is not being stimulated in some way. I have a constant need to find something that interests me or gives me pleasure. Whether that is videogames, movies, TV, youtube, porn hub, facebook, snapchat, even books, poems, food, drink, cigarettes, alcohol, drug, sex, or whatever else. It is like my ID takes up my everything. This leads to a very addictive personality. When I find something enjoy or love it consumes me, becomes my whole being. This obviously has down sides as i can get distracted from things like schoolwork or friends or family even. Yet I find that if all this energy can be used for something constructive, I can get much done. It pains me to say that I do not think I would have accomplished as much as I have if not for this constant search for stimulation. I don’t know  if its a bad thing. or a good thing either, it just is. The last major flaw i see in myself is that despite the fact that I feel this superiority over others, I still do not feel worthy of love. I don’t know why. I just feel as if even if i am everything a girl could want in a man, there would still be someone who could provide more for them. Maybe it is because of my need for stimuli that i can never focus on others toatlly. I’m too busy appeasing myself....

[bisonquill]

The Downpour

In a little corner of the world there is a town that everyone hates. A little town called Downpour. As you may have guessed it rains a lot, and by a lot I mean all the time. Storms, gales, hurricanes, tsunamis, or whatever else you want to call them we got them. It rained every minute of every day. The people that live here only did so because the jobs they could get paid amazingly. No one wanted to deal with the rain all the time, but it was a booming place to set up a business. With all the rain you could power the whole town, you never needed fresh water, you always had plenty of water to ship out to farms or even other areas of the world that needed water. It also was a scientific marvel. Hundreds of the most elite minds came together to figure out why this little town got so much rain. Try as they did they couldn’t figure out why it rained and frankly, that was fine by me. While everyone else lived here because of a job, I just loved the rain. Rain falling on my skin, the crisp wind nipping at the back of my neck, the booms of thunder, the dark skies, the smells of the soil and wet cement, the puddles to jump in, the hot chocolate that tasted even better after getting inside, and my personal favorite was a good book and nothing but the sound of rain hitting the roof of my building. I love rain. Not only did I love the rain, but I could never swim as a kid growing up. I loved water when it came to baths or showers or just playing with the garden hose. So when I heard about this place that rained all the time I new I just had to live there. Alas there were those that saw the rain as a pain. So people made bigger and better umbrellas, fancier rain coats, more water resistant boots. Eventually everyone just walked around in the balls that kept the rain off of them. They wouldn’t stop there though. They wanted to see the sun again, they wanted to keep the rain away forever. They had saved enough water over the years that they needn’t worry about money or food or anything that the water was first used for, plus they thought they could just start new businesses once the clouds and storms were gone. So the built a freak giant fan. That was their brilliant idea was to blow the storms away. They’ll fail, I was confident, but they did it. The sun came out and the people did too. Out to parks and beaches, flying kites, playing sports, having picnics. Yes everyone seemed to love the new Downpour, oh and they renamed the town Sunny Shores. Ugh. I was miserable. My skin burned in the sun, my fireplace never got turned on, my books never pulled me in anymore without the ambient rain keeping me from other distractions. I couldn’t stand it. I tried rain forests, Seattle, I even looked up to see if Tolkien had got his inspiration for Bree from a real place, but it was just clever writing. So I went back home, back to Downpour or Sunny Shores I guess. I went to the old rain processing plant and just hung out there awhile until I got the courage the write this down. I said my goodbye to my old town and threw myself into the water reservoir, knowing damn well no one would hear my screams.