bilobasblogs

[bilobasblogs]

What I’ve Accomplished and Learned in 2019

My fear of making this post and, in turn, solidifying my entire year’s-worth of lessons has brought a slight feel of malaise into the back of my mind; something I’d think of for a moment then try to forget about because of how exposing and ‘final’ it may feel. It made me feel a bit sick thinking about. Maybe because I felt like.. I had something to live up to? A certain criteria to meet? Maybe so.

All that being said, I’ve somehow, by the grace of God, motivated myself enough to write this in full. As the title implies, this is a (somewhat) cohesive list of what I’ve both accomplished and learned in this last year, 2019. I’m not sure if I will do this every year or not, but eventually I did realize it’s something I have to do for myself, and for my journey of self-evaluation. That's why I gave in. So without further ado, let’s move on to the first on my list. :’)

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

1. Removing myself from a toxic situation: A storytime.

Let me elaborate on that a little, so you’re not so lost.. Anyways! Back in 2017, I struggled a lot with depression and thoughts of self-hatred, even suicide. My home life has never been great, but at that point I had lost all my IRL friends and was alone. To make a long story short, I turned to Instagram as a home for my friendless self. I joined fandoms and posted regularly, but it led to me making friends with very manipulative and toxic people. And it wasn’t healthy. I would talk to them everyday, all the time. Eventually, everything came to a grand finale when my closest friend accused me of hacking/stealing his account that I apparently ‘had the password to’. (I had an old password. It was changed so I could no longer use the old one) He blasted me all over his account with a decent following, calling me names, and getting his friends to DM me messages of physical-appearance shaming. Top it all off with a “Go rot in hell or whateva” message from him, and I basically lost everything I thought I loved. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t end up in that situation ever again. I promised to focus on me, myself, and my mental health ONLY, in 2019. And I’d say I accomplished that. I’m proud of myself for that.

I was originally going to put this in the “things I’ve learned” category, but because of how big a deal this was, it had to be delved into a little deeper. And it ends with a big accomplishment; the restoration of my sense of self-worth and ability to appreciate myself. I’d call that a win!

2. Finally getting that new computer I needed.

Okay, not much of an accomplishment.. But I added it on this list because of how long I’ve actually had my previous computer. Probably for more than 5 years, if I’m being honest. It was an old, rusty, 32-bit disaster running Windows 7. The main motivation for me getting a computer was not actually how slow or glitchy it was, but it was because I bought Sonic Adventure 2 on Steam and couldn’t play it on my PC. I was pissed so convinced my parents to help me get a new one. Now I bask in all my Chao World Extended mod glory!

3. Concert tickets get!

Shortly after getting my new computer at the beginning of the year, my favorite artist and songwriter, Marina, returned to the music industry after a 3-4 year hiatus. As soon as a supporting tour was announced, I knew I had to get those damn tickets. It had been too long since the last tour, there was no way I was passing this one up! So after months of begging my dad, he FINALLY ordered them and we attended, not just any concert, but my FIRST live show ever. Forever grateful for that experience... for the most part. Eh, I’ll get back to that story later. On to the next!

4. Not one, but TWO dental surgeries!

Yes, it’s true. I actually got my braces on this year (my teeth were abysmal, to say the least...) and had to get two separate dental surgeries to remove my teeth. One for wisdom teeth, one for my back molars. This was to make room for my teeth separating and straightening out. It was hell. But not because of the recovery process, but because of how anxious I was while I was getting put out for the surgery. They kept trying to get me to fall asleep and I kept on talking! I was actually scared as the world went black, but before I knew it, I was lying in my bed at home in severe pain. Ahh, good times.

5. Self-expression and my venture into deviantART..

I’ve saved this one for last, as I feel it’s the thing that benefited me the most this year. I’ve taken the time to figure out what makes me feel creatively realized as a person. What makes me happy? What makes me feel good after I’m completely finished? I’ve learned that two things check those boxes: Drawing and writing. Even more specifically, songwriting.

I always had known from my earliest years that I wanted to be an artist. I clearly had the passion and was willing to always learn and grow. I never cried over ‘failing’ as a child, I always just wanted to do better. I think that quality pays off for me in the long run, because in January this year, I created my deviantART account. I was in need of something to fulfill me after the loss of my friends, and it seemed that making a DA was the the right thing. It combined social and artistic aspects, which was perfect for me. Now I have a fantastic, small little following on a profile where I just draw fun NiGHTS, Sonic, and Crash Bandicoot doodles. I’m really happy now.

LESSONS I’VE LEARNED:

1. Never let somebody tell me my character, unless I know them extremely well and vice versa. I know myself well enough, and shouldn’t think differently of myself just because somebody else does.

2. Along those same lines, always listen to my gut. Never let a whisper here or a quip there influence me when I have a deep gut feeling about something.

3. An error and a mistake are not the same things. An error is when I fall down, which all humans do because we’re imperfect creatures. A mistake is when I choose not to get up and learn from the error as a lesson. A lesson will also be repeated again and again until it is learned and I decide to pull myself off the ground and continue going.

4. True forgiveness does not mean “I accept what you caused to occur”, it is saying “I accept that it has happened, and I’m letting go of the past I thought I wanted. And I am willing to move and do something with what I learned.”

5. There are two different ways to say sorry. First, is when you say sorry but actually mean “please forget whatever I just did”. The second is genuine and is when you say sorry and mean “I apologize for the wrong that I did, and am willing to learn and move on from it.”

6. I cannot shut myself down in front of people. I can’t shut people out. If I do that, I lose out on a precious time that could be spent with other amazing people. Sometimes it can seem like investing will lead to heartbreak, but it won’t always be like that. I have to invest, but I won’t invest in more than I can afford to lose.

7. Sometimes it’s better to let myself be wrong and learn than to try to be correct and refuse to grow.

Alrighty! That’s all I could think of for this very long, personal post. I know I don’t talk about my personal life too much on social media, so I wanted to make this end-of-year recap for myself so I don’t forget the lessons I’ve learned along my journey. If you got something out of this.. yay! I’ve sorta accomplished my goal! I also understand if this was boring as hell to read. But it’s special to me and I don’t want to forget 2019. David of the future will thank me later.

Anyway.. here’s to an even better and more fantastic 2020! Goodbye 2010s, I forever love you. The majority of my life has happened in the 2010s, and I’ve made so many memories in this decade. From the growth and blooming of the internet and memes, to more real/raw things like personal self-growth. I’ve gained a lot and lost a lot, but in the end I’m thankful for it all. I hope everyone’s holiday season was amazing and I wish you a great upcoming New Years into the next decade! Talk to you next time, loves.

much love, bilobasideya 💜