bigsweatercuddlesweather

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

my constellation is a fragment of the sun; the glittering darkness, the dance of the shadow 

for @avizou ♡

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”

— Jim Carrey

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Mighty Rome🖤

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Something akin to dread and despair filled my mind and heart, while my throat clenched with unshed tears as I hugged my mom that night. I was merely trying to have a little fun, when taking me by surprise, she beckoned me gently towards herself and pulled me in her warm embrace, all the while whispering words of affirmation. She prayed for my happiness and safety. My playful mood by then vanished. And all I could think of was how I never want to be apart from this woman. How much I love her and how much I want to stay buried in her bosom for the rest of the night. She made me feel like a child again. A child who has yet to know the ways of the world. And I couldn't voice out my thoughts. I prayed for her internally and when she finally let me go, I had this strong urge to hug her again. But it was getting late and she had to sleep, so I once again turned on my cheerful mood and said goodnight. I came back to my room and cried my eyes out. I had to let out my emotions somehow, so I decided to write it down. And just like that I had written a poem, if one could call it so, in about half an hour. Pouring down everything I felt in a concise form. I wish I could write more, but perhaps I'm not that good at poetry yet.

Mother

How am I to live, without you

By my side? When you're the

Only person I have ever loved

With all of my heart. How am I

To leave, have my soul broken,

And expect to survive?

The thought occurred like this,

When you hugged me tight,

You embraced me then

In the ebony, of the night,

And prayed for my safety,

Kissed my cheek, so lovingly,

Mother. I paused a while,

A series of events, ran through my mind;

I internally hoped, there may never come

A day, when we wouldn't be together.

I felt guilty, for all the arguments

We ever had. I felt sorry,

For all the bad you went through,

In your married life.

You never voiced discontent;

If you ever felt wronged, or

If you ever felt discouraged,

You quietly endured, for our sake.

My lips quiver, my hand shake,

And tears dampen my soft cheeks,

When I think of the days, when

I won't get to be with you.

By my side, stay forever,

I am yet to grow, though

I am adult. I am yet to grow wings,

Though my time to leave the nest

Is approaching. For I cannot sustain,

Without you by my side, Mother.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Days Of Past

I live in the past, for

many reasons. As life was more

simple, I revelled without

a care. That was part of

my childhood, when the heart was naive;

The smiles were innocent, the mind

didn't long, for something unknown,

The soul had no haste, nor desire

for something vague. The trivial

seemed grand, and the days were long,

The months and years,

felt like eternity, and Christmas brought

so much joy. The sun created,

this glorious hue, onto her face,

Mother shined like a star, but I didn't notice.

It comes to my mind now, as I write this,

in the gloom of the night, safely hidden

from her sight.

And brother was more playful,

I found him funniest, he was

a dimmed light, that flickered

in the dark, but made the room bright.

And everything seemed fine and safe,

When he was with me.

Now he belongs, to someone else,

And has a family of his own.

I live in the past, for

many reasons. The life of today

feels a little stifled, for I am

now grown, my thoughts changed

too much, I recall that little girl,

who frolicked on the ground. Oh,

why do I then not recognize,

Who am I today?

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Never exposing my wildest dreams and desires. Even if I do, it would not be to someone whom I will consider my life partner.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Faraway Love

Loving you was like falling asleep,

Sinking slowly, and then all at once;

I knew I couldn't touch you,

Knew I couldn't feel you,

Yet I fell, I fell hard.

It was a losing game,

And whenever I strayed away, even

For a while, you pulled me closer

Unknowingly to you, drew me in

As if you weren't aware. And you weren't;

You didn't know, how could you have?

It was me, who foolishly craved in,

Into the depths, of those glowing orbs,

Oh love! don't leave, stay a little while,

Touch me again, with your sweet smile,

Dwell in my dreams, in my innermost caverns,

Comfort me still, with your words

And actions, so I may never feel lonely.

Oh love! don't go, don't leave me stranded,

Hold my hand, guide me forever more,

Because I fell in love, I fell hard,

Slowly, steadily, and all at once.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Beach Day

Amidst the good and the bad days,

came the days of utter fun,

We were going to the beach,

I had the biggest smile on my face.

For the first time I was going by the sea,

I didn't know what the sight beheld;

Will I be making sand castles?

Or collect a pair of sea shells,

Or merrily enjoy the blue waters

playing with my goofy brother,

and sway along with the blue waves?

I had everything planned out,

had my costume ready,

I couldn't wait till the next day arrived,

That night I went to bed early.

Morning came and I rose like the sun,

we were ready to hit the road,

my childlike innocence I still remember;

I cheered as I sailed the boat.

Venice was gorgeous, I marveled

at the sight, never had I seen

such beauty of a city,

so vividly painted before my eyes;

And when we came to our destination,

But the sea was nowhere in sight,

dad said we now had to walk

a couple blocks, before we reach

the Lido beach, we all gave him

side eyes. He merely chucked,

walking ahead with his prideful gait,

while we followed closely behind.

At last we reached the sun kissed spot,

t'was a sight to marvel indeed;

Of light blue skies, and

deep blue seas, to all the beautiful ladies

flaunting their bikinis.

I awed at them, I wished that I

grew up to be like them some day,

Looking around once more then i,

shed my clothes and ran towards the waters;

but still I was afraid of the sea,

For I couldn't swim. My dad took a hold

of my small hands and lured me slowly in.

I took tentative step inwards,

the feeling alien to my feet, and I

squeaked a little at the flurry sensation,

A passing seaweed entangled my limb.

I swear a yell died down my throat,

For I was scared, I thought the waves would

swallow my body whole,

I saw my brother enjoying himself,

the water upto his chest,

I braved myself despite my fear

and walked in courage toward the depths;

the feeling so foreign, the water cold,

I shivered in response, the waves appear

to be guiding me in, they kept me afloat;

And when the salty water reached my lips,

I frowned and wiped the taste away,

I looked at the sun, and then looked down,

as if I was summoned, by things unknown,

I strayed further from the shore,

and into the blue thus happily swayed.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

Days of Childhood

Walking side by side my brother,

I begrudgingly made my way,

towards the green metal gates where

all the other kids and parents were in sight.

And when I spotted the familiar faces

of classmates and teachers standing,

though none of them were evil,

I couldn't help but heave a sigh.

I smiled at the two friends I made,

they made me feel included;

but still I had the fear of losing them,

for I never was a good friend myself.

The others were nice, but

stiffly so, they possessed an aura

of nonchalance; for whenever they

passed me by I felt,

a quiet side glance unknowingly so.

Though I never paid mind to that,

I was still young and verbal,

I spoke in bold whenever I could,

perhaps it was the innocence,

perhaps it was the ignorance;

for it all seemed so easy

in the days of my childhood.

I never knew that in a few years,

I'd wish for confidence like that;

withering away in my deep rooted fears,

wilting day by day, falling apart.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

DISHONORED The Void

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

First Snow

It felt cold from where I slept,

under the warm blankets, I snuggled in warm,

and distinctly heard my mother calling,

her voice filled with excitement, I recall.

"Come out at once!" She exclaimed rushing;

padded footsteps sound,

as I hear my brother moving.

Peeking through the comforter, I squeaked,

"It's snowing!" they beamed.

Dashing out, warmth forgotten,

I hurled past the kitchen counter,

throwing the door open, I saw

the white glisten of the garden,

and birds nestled on trees,

taking shade under.

With a smile of glee, I ran

towards the shine, it was

a sight I had never seen,

where the sun radiated,

the heaven of light.

And it was my first snow, that I

merely recall,

in the depths of my mind.

[bigsweatercuddlesweather]

First times

I was hardly trying to know the world,

When Mother said, we'll be leaving.

Where? I asked, with my innocent voice,

A land far away, she answered.

I barely acknowledged, barely flinched,

when all had tears in their eyes,

I merely played with my toys, and

made no distressing noise.

Holding her hand, I made my made through,

Waving my hands 'goodbye',

To eyes full of woe,

inside the secluded gates,

My journey began anew.

And when the bird rose above its heights,

spread its wings, vast and wide,

I felt the black terrain, leaping up

in front of my sight, and sensed the jolt of

happiness. I held her hand,

and leaned my head, and soon

closed my eyes.

Waking up from my deep slumber,

I saw the plains different,

The light of the sun, golden hue, a separate shade,

I didn't know what to do.

So I clutched her hands, tightly still,

left and right, the unknown faces,

stared at me. I felt their stares and hid,

behind my mother's back,

and dropped my own to the ground.

That was the first time I felt distinct.