bexirawrxd - Tumblr blog

[bexirawrxd]

He loves me, he loves me not.

Does he even think about me? He's my first thought in the morning, my last thought as i close my eyes and nearly every thought in between. It's not love, no but what i feel for him is so deep. I want to know more, but I'm so over wasting time and feelings on unreciprocated responses. Completely indecipherable, as I try to navigate his personality and thoughts. Should I quit while i can? Before I fall too much harder than I already have?

[bexirawrxd]

Fell hard and fast. Deep brown eyes and a smile that could brighten even the saddest of days. But once again, placed my heart on the wrong pedestal. I knew it was complicated, I knew how it'd play out. But this hopeless romantic heart of mine, oh she never listens. She runs down one path while my brain takes the logical path. The beauty of my healing means I can survive this. Overcome losing what was never mine to begin with. Oh but that smile, it will certainly take me a while.

[bexirawrxd]

It's funny to me how I can know my patterns and still be so ready to blindly ignore the past and hope that the future will be better despite what I know can happen and how horribly wrong it could go. But having spent the past 2 years healing myself from the past I just feel like this time could be different. Who knows. Maybe I'm just delightfully delusional.

[bexirawrxd]

I will...

9 years ago, I came to Texas young and hopeful...full of dreams and desires. I got here and immediately set after those dreams. I got a job in a bakery hoping to absorb all that knowledge and use it to my own advantage. Then it became about the company i worked for. Pleasing them, pushing myself for that next promotion, that next goal, that next step. I worked hard and dedicated my every second and breath to them. I was consistently berated, told i wasn't good enough, talked about poorly behind my back about my lack of work ethic, how I was fake and a liar. I was written up time after time, on false allegations and due to things beyond my control. I was not perfect, I cut corners sometimes, I had poor punctuality.. I admit I have my faults. But I was nothing short of loyal and dedicated. But it was never enough. I stood by for the last year with all the knowledge and passion slowly draining from my body. Pushed myself to complete tasks only to be told I wasn't doing my job. As I watched someone who was put in place as my superior do nothing and get away with it. Faking their way through the system.

I decided to bow out and move back to my home state. I will start over. I will work hard and hustle. I will get healthy and fit. I will start a business. I will take control of my life and heal my emotional and mental wounds. Covering them with scar tissue of my future and be successful.

This is my redo, my fresh start and I will take advantage of it and become who I should be.

[bexirawrxd]

It says alot about me I think. That even though you lied, betrayed my trust, manipulated and used me that I still get sad when I think about you. How much I wish we actually had what I thought we had. You could have been the perfect love. If you weren't so fucked up you know. You caused so much pain and trauma in my life. My heart is so closed off and I'll never be the same after what you've done. Then...just when I think I can stop missing you, stop having a place in my heart for you... your dumbass waltzes in to remind me you exist. Calling me your love. Telling me you love and miss me. Going out of your way to weasel in and stop me from starting over. From healing. But I'm stupid. I'm hard headed and stubborn and too good hearted of a person to cut you off and block you. Remove you completely from my life. Because for a brief moment in time, before I discovered all the lies and betrayal....before I knew about them, all of them, you were mine and you loved me unconditionally. You smiled in your sleep when I kissed you goodbye and told you I loved you. You pulled me into your arms late at night. You would come over and crawl into my bed and into my soul and make me feel worthy. You made me feel beautiful. You made me believe all the pretty lies you told me of marriage and kids and a life together. I loved you with all I had....and now I don't think I'll ever love again not in that way. I will always wonder, I will always worry, I will never trust anyone again because i will always be waiting for the lies to become clear....even if there are none. You ruined me for the next, if there ever is a next. But for now. I will hide behind the walls I've built to protect myself from people like you. Don't spin your webs of love and missing me and expect me to return those sentiments. Because every breath is a lie when it comes to you. I know that now and one day. One day you'll stop trying and I'll be relieved and maybe a little healed but I will never have that kind of love again. Because you showed me...it doesn't exist. Not for me. I will never give 110% of myself to anyone....because all I'll get is 40% back.

[bexirawrxd]

Today was a bad day. Today for the first time in 18 months I took a blade to my skin. One cut for every person you lied to me about that I found out about. I didn't want to see you. I didn't want to wake up to a text from you. I wish you'd just forget about me. What is it that keeps you coming to me and talking to me. You hurt me, caused so much more damage than anyone else ever did.

I wanted to marry you. To have your kids. To make your lunches for work and have dinner ready when you got home. Build a life and an empire with you.

But you chose the hoe life over a wife. And that's fine. Something doesn't connect in your brain. Someone hurt you so bad you'll never know true love. That makes me sad for you. But today you won. Today you broke through my carefully put together defenses and that's okay. Because it will be the last time.

I won't give you that power again. I won't give anyone that power again. I am stronger than that.

So today we start over. Day one of not choosing my weakness over you.

[bexirawrxd]

As I shut down my pc and switch off my gamer light. Grab the remote to the leds around my room. I can't help but think of how grateful I am to be here in this life. I catch a lot of shit about being a gamer girl. But I truly have met some of the most amazing people in the world who I call my friends. Who I hold near and dear to my heart.

No one will ever read these ramblings of mine. But I am certain they know who they are. My mods, my gamer friends. People I talk to every single day. Learn about their lives outside of our games. What they love, what they do whether it be work or school or both. What movies they like, coffee they drink. Just the little most irrelevant things.

I've fallen in love with the life I've chosen to live. Which being mentally unwell and struggling daily with suicidal thoughts...that's saying a lot. My why used to be just my parents. But my why has grown so much in the last just year honestly. Because gamers care more about their online friends than most people care about their irl friends.

Squid, Mily, regiment, llocks, dark, Carson, lane, Zane, sapph, pooh, Alex, and so many more. I cant explain it. But these are my reasons why. These are my people.

I'm lucky and grateful and insanely unsure sometimes. But whatever the reasoning is for me being here I'm not going to question it.

[bexirawrxd]

Some days are harder than others. Some days getting out of bed takes more energy than the "good" days.

Driving to work this morning and as I do every day I have a moment of gratefulness for my family and my friends and my cat. Remembering they are the only reason I am still alive.

Some days that moment for me is peaceful. Some days I never think twice about it. But then there are days, days like today that I question it. That I ask myself: do they even care? Am I more of a burden on the people around me than it is worth? If I was gone wouldn't their lives be easier?

Keeping yourself alive for people around you is selfless and hard. Being selfish would be so much easier.

Mental health is a struggle. Some days things are OK. But depression and anxiety are a bitch and it fucking sucks honestly.

If you're struggling with your mental health today. It's ok. You are not alone and you have a safe place to turn if you need me. I'm here. Messages are always open and I'll do my best as I always do. Sometimes it just helps to vent.

[bexirawrxd]

I am so afraid of bothering people and I have so many issues that I'm just like ok well they haven't reached out I won't even bother because they obviously didn't want anything to do with me. Then I see their snap story and think we'll fuck I absolutely just missed out. So many possibly good guys slip through my hands because I'm so afraid of getting hurt but my brain thinks all I deserve is toxic behavior. Why am I like this.

[bexirawrxd]

Random thought #1

Today I thought about what it would be like at my funeral. Morbid. I know but hear me out. It was because of a meme. You know the one that says "use my funeral for your advantage, even if you barely knew me go and tell your boss a good friend died and take a day for you. That's on me"

Absolutely the fuck not. If you didn't know me. Don't come to my funeral please. I like a handful of people. If my ass is sitting there watching my funeral and I see someone there I don't like. I'm haunting them. Don't test me.

Half of yall don't even like me let alone know me. Do not use me in death as you have in life. Because at that point I really won't have a fuck to give and I will be playing 2007 emo music down the hall from your bedroom full blast at 2 am just to see the terrified panic in your eyes when you run into the room to turn the music off.

Simple as that 💙