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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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Copy of Does your partner have the sociopathic sparkle? Learn what implicit contract you may have signed with them.

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you”- Carly Simon

Narcissistic abuse has become a hot talking point these days. If you follow social media, particularly Facebook, you may find many articles about this such as “ How to spot a narcissist” , “gas lighting” ( a manipulative technique where someone tries to tell you that you are crazy and are imagining their abuse rather than take any responsibility for it) and even “10 signs that your partner is a psychopath”. While these essays do have some meat to them and offer sound advice on self care, trusting your instincts and maintaining no contact once you end the relationship, they don’t get to the heart of the matter, which is why people get ensnarled in these relationships in the first place.

“Karen” had been in therapy with me for two years. Her husband “Jack” who was once the love of her life, had for many years now, been showing her his darker side. He often neglected her, raged at her when he was upset and seldom showed any genuine interest in Karen’s wants and needs. When she would withdraw her attention from him and begin to contemplate leaving the relationship, he would then change his tune and start following through on the many promises he made to her. This in turn, offered her some intermittent moments of hope and happiness and she would re-engage with him. Yet once she did, little by little he would switch back to his old behaviors. After a while, she would then start to withdraw again and he would then start to pursue her again. He offered her just enough of what she needed to get her hooked into riding the rollercoaster of his moods and maltreatment, yet again. This was their relational contract.

The contract didn’t start out that way though and generally speaking, in this kind of relationship, they never do. Karen told me that she and Jack were once very much in love. “We had a chemistry like no other” and “he always felt like my soulmate” she would say, which I am sure is all true. This kind of chemistry however, allowed for the classic “bait and switch” where overtime, and unbeknownst to her, she came to implicitly agree to be in a connection with him that ultimately, was all about him. Never did she imagine herself to be sounding board for his dreams and disappointments and a psychic punching bag for his rage. Always trying to fix him or "therapize" him, she lived with chronic knots in her stomach. Obsessed with how to get things back to the way they used to be, she came to therapy after her friends and family expressed concerns on how her self confidence and joie de vivre seemed lost. She agreed that it was.

So how did this implicit contract get signed?

Karen grew up in a disorganized household. Her father, who adored her, traveled for work so he wasn’t around much of the time and her mother, who was a trauma survivor herself, would often rage at Karen when she was a little girl. Karen shared with me her memory of her mother screaming at her for some unknown reason as she didn’t remember doing anything “wrong”. Her mother’s affect was so intense that Karen remembered wanting to faint in an attempt to get her to stop her and to win back her mother’s love. “I just wanted her to hold me” she said as she wept silent tears.

As a four year old, Karen did not know how to stand up for herself or even run away. Those are not skills that any small child has. Instead, she developed a belief that it was her job to take care of her mother’s emotional needs. By doing this job which was necessary for her own sense of survival, she denied her own feelings and burdens of fright, anger, loneliness and abandonment that arose during and after one of her mother’s tirades. When she was older and did try to protect herself, her actions were then met with more rage and more neglect. In many ways, her relational wings were clipped.

So how did this type of trauma manifest in Karen’s intrapsychic system? First, she developed both a panic and fainting disorder as her fight/ flight response lived in constant overdrive for many years. Second, she found herself in a string of bad relationships, until she met her husband, so she thought.

A couple of days before a session I had with Karen, I learned that a former client I treated for many years when working at a methadone clinic, had overdosed and died. He too grew up in an extremely disorganized household. He was from Medford, Ma or as many homegrown “bean towners” prefer to say: “Medfa”. A talented artist who dropped out of school because of drugs, he knew how to stand his ground and he never back down from a fight, even when he probably should have. Unlike karen, who didn’t know what to say when her husband mistreated her, my former client had just the perfect vernacular of hysterically funny and vulgar push back lines for when someone mistreated him.

He was on my mind during a session with Karen which ended up being a turning point in the therapy. She was trying to find a way to stand up for herself in anticipation of her husband’s next outburst. I began to tune out as she practiced and played with polite niceties such as “when you do that, I feel….(blah blah blah)”. Then suddenly, I got hijacked by intense countertransference and interrupted her. I said, just as my former client would have, “No, the next time he acts out, you tell him to go choke on a big fat D**k!”

Silence filled the room.

Then a spontaneous eruption of laughter between the two of us took up the space and remained there for the rest of the session.

My former client would have been very proud. Karen took his lead and said something to that nature to her husband a few day later when he started up again. It worked. Stunned by both her words and assertiveness, he apologized and told her that she was right, he did need to go back to therapy.

Whether or not Karen’s husband can earnestly engage in treatment and learn to become more relational remains to be seen. His declaration could be yet another bait and switch move where he offers her just enough of something that appeases her so that she will get back on the rollercoaster with him, because he can’t tolerate losing her. In narcissistic alliances however, the loss has little to do with the loss of the actual person. It’s more about the loss of an object that supplies the other with a drug like fix. If a person does leave the alliance, the other may quickly find another empathic partner who will take the previous one’s place.

These alliances are not always so black and white though. There often can be a continuum of relationality that some people have. He or she may both genuinely care for the other and see them as an object at the same time. This is when it gets really confusing. Depending upon where the person is on the narcissistic continuum will have much to do with whether or not this relational dynamic can change. That is why therapy is a must to survive something of this nature.

If Karen and Jack do end up entering couples counseling, which they will need to should they want to remain in the relationship, they may be in constant contract negotiations for a long time.

Yet there’s a creative genius behind Karen’s relational patterns. The four year old parts of her (frightened, angry, lonely and abandoned) that got pushed aside when dealing with her mother’s abuse for years kept desperately trying to find ways to have their story seen and heard by none other than Karen. One of their tactics was to find just the perfect partner to contract with who will help them re enact their story. They are the parts of her and of you for that matter if you can relate to Karen’s story, who signed the invisible implicit contract in the first place.

The good news is, once you see what these parts are up to, you can then take a front row seat to their show, just as Karen did. With a little curiosity and a lot of compassion that allows these injured parts to grieve and heal in their own time and space, you will be able to rip up that contract and get off the rollercoaster for good. And if you start to waffle when your partner makes desperate attempts to lure you back in, try imagining yourself saying the crass words of my former client: “Go suck on a big fat d**k”. Allow that energy to fill your body with courage. Next take a long slow deep breath, find some stillness and pause. Then, calmly look your partner in the eye and say these two words.

Good bye.

My new book: Finding Hope in the Crisis: A Therapist's Perspective on Love, Loss, and Courage is now available for sale on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. To learn more about it, preview the first couples or order it, click here.

#Narcissistic abuse #sociopathy #Hope

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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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7 Ways to Shape Shift your Life

https://www.mauraamatarese.com/blog/n66ny9xakjlpyf2ccrswelbm52gmm4

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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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Does your partner have the sociopathic sparkle? Learn what implicit contract you may have signed with them.

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you”- Carly Simon

So how did this implicit contract get signed?

Silence filled the room.

Then a spontaneous eruption of laughter between the two of us took up the space and remained there for the rest of the session.

If Karen and Jack do end up entering couples counseling, which they will need to should they want to remain in the relationship, they may be in constant contract negotiations for a long time.

Good bye.

#Narcissistic abuse #sociopathy #Hope

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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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https://www.mauraamatarese.com/ Hope is all around. #findinghope

#findinghope

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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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Happy Friday #findinghope www.mauraamatarese.com

#findinghope

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benpoochon-blog · 7 years ago

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Great celebrating the book Launch with one of my besties! #findinghope (at 80 Thoreau)

#findinghope

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benpoochon-blog · 13 years ago

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The Messy Desk Syndrome: By Maura Matarese, M.A. LMHC, R.Y.T.

��Out of chaos, come order” – Fredrick Nietzsche

“In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order” Carl Jung

I have a messy desk. My car is cluttered and my home…well, I won’t go there. I try really really hard to tidy my desk, office, car and life because I value beauty and spaciousness. It’s a challenge, one that I can accomplish for brief periods of time only to inevitably fail in the long run. Sustained order is an uphill battle for me – and I know I’m not alone.

A messy desk is a widely misunderstood phenomenon so much so that for the purpose of this post I am calling it a syndrome. That’s right – the Messy Desk Syndrome. Many a person has been deemed “disorganized” “chaotic”, “slovenly” and so forth because of the fear of “what’s in there”. Some people have been denied promotions because this, and others just live with constant shame, wondering what is wrong with them – and why they can’t be like the rest of their organized work cohorts.

I believe that messy desk syndrome ( MDS) is biologically based. Think about ADD or ADHD. People living with this have a range from mild to severe deficits in their prefrontal cortex – a part of the brain which is involved in planning, organization, and decision making. They are often prescribed stimulants to help them manage their lives. They also tend to thrive in chaos because it stimulates them and helps them perform. Ever hear the saying “grace under pressure” – people with ADD/ ADHD know it well. Many people also have what’s called sub clinical ADD/ADHD because they don’t fit the full diagnostic criteria but have enough of the symptoms for a therapist to say “close enough”. They function very well in their lives, but often have, yes, you guessed it, messy desks.

I also believe the work of Anthropologist and best-selling author Helen Fisher, is applicable to the messy desk syndrome. In her book Why Him - Why Her? she shares her research about the biology of why and how we choose our mates. She postulates that there are four basic personality types ( with many subtypes) which are governed by different neurotransmitters in the brain. Explores are governed by dopamine, a powerful and stimulating neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, risk and reward. Negotiators are organized around the hormone estrogen and value relationships and connectedness. Directors are ruled by testosterone – they are ordered, driven, focused and well, - direct. Builders are heavily influenced by Serotonin which helps people feel calm, safe and secure. People with the most organized desks probably fall under the Director or Builder personality type while Explorers are most likely at the opposite end of the spectrum. Why? My guess is- just as the person with ADD/ADHD needs constant stimulation, so does the explorer- as dopamine governs their brains. ( However if they have Director or Builder as a secondary type then they may be spared from MDS). As for Negotiators – that’s a toss- up. They aim to please so will definitely try to keep their desks neat and depending upon their subtype (Builder or Director) may be able to do so. I’m a Negotiator/ Explorer. I’m a psychotherapist (Negotiator) Yoga instructor, ( Negotiator / Explorer) independent television producer, (Explorer) and former actress (Explorer). This means the dominating neurotransmitters that make me - me, are estrogen and dopamine. I am designed to seek new experiences, and to nurture relationships. When my life starts to feel stagnant, my brain unconsciously creates chaos (just enough)to help boost dopamine, which then allows me to make necessary changes and perform at an optimal level. I suppose I could try to take up skydiving but the Negotiator in me who values connection and relationships does not want to deprive myself of them by a premature death. Then there's always Adderall, Ritalin or Wellbutrin - but even so, nature will be as it's meant to be.

So my argument is - expressions of chaos such as a messy desk, are biologically driven and like all behavior have a well intended purpose. By no means am I suggesting not trying to organize your desk, yourself and your life. I’m just offering a new perspective on the matter which is meant to help those who struggle with this let go of the shame. So the next time you find yourself overly stressed about trying to find that piece of paper lost somewhere in that pile on your desk, thank your brain for doing its job – as its hidden agenda is solely to stimulate your mind and help you thrive!

#Psychology #ADHD #Messy Desk

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benpoochon-blog · 13 years ago

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Learning to manage anxiety: Lessons from a dog named Ben. Part 1

By: Maura Matarese, M.A. LMHC, R.Y.T.

“When we let it all go – it all gets done” – Lao Tzu

Last summer I adopted a dog - an impulsive decision, inspired by one of my clients. His name is Ben. I call Ben or Benjamin, Benis the Menis, Handsome Boy or whatever “puppy nick name” that seems fitting in the moment. My friends call him Benny and sometimes Benji (more on this later). He's a Poochon (half poodle, half bichon) - with long white curly hair mixed with a touch of grey in his ears, whiskers and tail. I saw his photo on an animal shelter's website, and called to check his availability. He was there, so I decided to meet him. When I arrived however, someone already snatched him up.

Despondent, I gave the shelter my phone number –“just in case” he got returned.

“That probably won’t happen”- the adoption specialist told me as she tried to return my number.

“Keep it” I responded –in a desperate attempt to cling to some scant hope of having him.

I left the shelter, went home and sat silently for a while contemplating on the stars. Restless inside I remember thinking to myself as I gazed into the dark sky “something is just not right in the universe…he’s supposed to be my dog!”

I then practiced “vairagya” which means “non – attachment” in yoga, and let it go.

And guess what happened?

The very next day the shelter called me because Ben was returned.

He growled at the new owner's landlord, and well, back to the shelter he went. So off to the shelter I went “just to meet him", I told myself. He then cocked his little head and smiled at me -and that was it- he became mine.

Ben was 1 & 1/2 years old when I met him. He and his brother Timmy were initially purchased from a pet store (and most likely came from a puppy mill) by a mother and son. The mother had Timmy, and the son had Ben. As the story goes, the son really didn't take care of Ben, so the mother got stuck with both dogs. Overwhelmed, she surrendered them to a shelter. She then missed Timmy, reclaimed him, and left Ben to fend for himself.

When Ben arrived at the shelter he was covered in flea dirt, and tested positive for Lyme disease. Neglected, abused, and abandoned, he awaited his fate. Then along came me and Fate's master plan for both of us, was set into play.

At first, his sweet snuggly demeanor masked his trauma. However, within a month it was clear to me he needed help. He had horrific separation anxiety and I couldn't go anywhere without him. His mighty growl proved him distrustful of most strangers and other dogs. Any time I left him alone - even for just 5 minutes, he'd distress bark (a high pitched bark dogs use when they want their mothers' to return) and salivate all over himself. If I crated him, rather than eat the treats I left for him, sleep and or try to relax, he'd try to scratch his way out of the crate. And don't ask me how, but one time actually he did! “Houdini” became his new nick name. I was fortunate to find an affordable dog sitter who could watch Ben while I work. She’s an elderly widow who groomed and boarded dogs for 30 years until she was forced to retire after a fall that broke her him. Watching him gives her a sense of purpose, and me a sigh of relief. She also just so happens to have a poodle – Noelle – and once again, Ben has a “sibling”.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in treating anxiety, trauma and addiction – I was more than up for the challenge of helping Ben “figure this piece out”.

I researched and did my homework.

I read all the literature on how to treat dogs with separation anxiety.

I watched countless Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer) videos and articles.

I consulted with my vet- who ironically, I know from high school.

I picked the brains’ of every psychiatrist I knew.

I sought advice from every dog owner I ever knew.

I even asked for help from my mother.

And so the journey began. We joined a "puppy and me” dog training class, and I worked hard to socialize him at the local dog park. I also met some great people there who understood my woes and took an avid interest in helping Ben.

He made progress - house training and learning to sit came easily. Socializing with small dogs and children, who wanted to pat him, began to happen as well. But being home alone, and behaving around men – just wasn’t working! He continued to growl and nipp at some of my neighbors (who were very understanding), and bark and cry every time I left the house without him. One time, he jumped into the shower with me, because he couldn’t tolerate not seeing me behind the curtain. When I'd try to put gas in my car, even though he could see me through the window, he’d panic. It got to a point where my neighbors complained about his barking – and I felt defeated.

To make matters worse, he then he ate my yoga matt.

It seemed that no matter how much love and training he got, it wasn't enough to turn off the panic switch in his brain. He was suffering. And I knew it was time to do something I desperately wanted to avoid. (Part 2 next week).

Maura Matarese, M.A. LMHC, R.Y.T. is a psychotherapist and yoga instructor. To learn more about maura, visit www.mauramatarese.com.

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