belleaestheticfuture

[belleaestheticfuture]

[belleaestheticfuture]

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”

— Goi Nasu

[belleaestheticfuture]

HRT journal

Days 4-7

These days, I have been feeling pain in my chest, plus it is starting to swallow near the nipple. One milestone that I have achieved, it was to feel anger without any need to cry, I also found myself more assertive. If I feel uncomfortable about a certain situation, I express it with calm.

Another thing that deserves to be highlighted is that now when I talk to strangers I am always happy or in the right mood, so the people react differently, they offer me a smile, or they give things like today, a nice guy attending a food stand, gave me a candy YAY!!.

Yesterday I have to confess that I felt unsure about my transition, I started to ask myself questions like

what if I stop?

What if I continue my life being a man?

What If I fall in love and I decide to stay as a dude?

These thoughts exasperated me, but then I realized how much progress I have been doing in these days, I'm no longer depressed or unproductive, I think faster, and I have the real motivation of working out, just for me to pursue my goals.

Yesterday, I helped my dad by ordering products on Amazon, and also helped my mom by comforting her, due to a brother of hers has Covid right now, also he needs financial help, so I talked to him and I asked him for his account, so our family can help him to sort it out his financial problems.

My dad acknowledges how I have been helping him so much, especially this past week, and he tells me how proud he is about my development. I hope he stays like that when I come out to the family.

The changes that I have experienced since day 3 are:

Physical:

Muscle mass is fading, I have lost pounds of muscle, this can be seen especially in my arms.

I have gained fat, but this fat is accumulating in my butt.

My skin is smoother

My body odour has changed a bit, I still sweat, but the smell is less intense.

My body also feels colder

My neck looks different

My nose sense is stronger

Psychological:

I can snap out of my sadness easier

I'm more motivated to do things for me, like yesterday, I have ordered online my first female clothes for normal days.

I'm more confident about myself

There are some things that stills annoys me, but my reaction towards them has changed, since I am less prone to act angry.

I still have my craves for food, but now I try to find healthier dishes, however I'm still a simp for chocolate.

I take things less seriously, like past days I have been annoyed with my group of friends, and last night I dreamed about them, so in the morning I felt the need of sending them a message to the WhatsApp group, none of them answered my message, but I feel no sadness or anger. I just think, let them be.

One of my favourite quotes.

This picture is one of my body goals.

[belleaestheticfuture]

HRT journal

First days 1-3

Since this very Tuesday, 10 of August 2021, I have started my transition, I was excited and overwhelmed by the feeling of finally start with what I desired the most for almost one decade.

On day one I have experienced instant joy, even my voice sounded slightly high-pitched. I sent messages to some friends and published updates on Instagram about my treatment.

Colours seemed to be brighter and my mind was cleared, like removing a fog that has drained my energy this whole time, now I am in more synchrony with my mind because I do not depersonalize anymore, I am one with me.

I slept like a log the whole night, even I woke up early in the morning with joy, due to the need of taking my anti-boyotics. I had my breakfast and noticed how my cravings changed, I used to binge-eating when I didn't want to deal with my emotions.

On day two I started to feel how my sense of smell changed a bit, also my sense of taste, certain food tastes better like chocolate, for example, if it was delicious in the past, now it is unbearably irresistible for me not to eat one.

I went with my sister to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and we ordered a familiar combo, that included 12 chicken pieces, I felt how my stomach got full way faster than before, after our comforting food, we went to do some running at a sports centre.

Once we got there, we started to walk, and while I was starting to jog, I have received a message from my best friend, who I haven't seen in two weeks, he asked about how I was and that he wanted to talk with me in person, I refused due to the increase in COVID cases.

Then I have received another message from him, where he was worried that I have not told my parents about my transition yet, then he mentioned the annoying but understandable question, what if I get cold feet about my transition?

I began to remember how this started, how I hated my school years and how I was depressive this whole time and I didn't know, after these memories I began to cry, but this crying felt different, this crying was full of sentiment, I recorded an audio explaining how I coped with my dysphoria focusing on school, until a day I couldn't hand any longer.

On day three, I felt my chest started to became more sensitive, a constant pain felt all over my nipples and the upper part. This day, I started to chat with a friend who came out as nonbinary, but my friend doesn't like pronouns at all. I felt giddy when my friend treated me as a girl.

Another change I started to feel, it is an increment in productivity, I helped my dad with his projects, ordering his watering systems for urban agriculture, even I had made contact with a secretary from one of the companies. My dad felt proud of me, and this was proof for me that I can be more if I remain to be myself regarding what others think about me.

[belleaestheticfuture]

Love confession ruined a friendship?

I still appreciate her because she was one of the first female non-online friendships that I had after puberty hit on me.

In the beginning, I was skeptical and distrustful about her, so I kept my distance, over time she started to invite me to hang out alongside his friend, little by little I started to trust her and appreciate her as one of the most important persons in my life, even I had arguments with my other friends because I befriended her, they told me she was not a good influence for me because she was into drugs, but I did not listen. Over time, I focused more on my personal needs rather than on my friendships and I lost contact with her for months, however, before I lost contact, she started dating my friend who was always with us. He fell in love and his feelings towards her were admirable, I found this really cute and romantic, but soon after they started dating, problems arose. She left him without an explanation, I was worried, but I wasn't able to help them, she even dropped out of college due to financial problems. I could only listen to my friend asking why she had done this to him, my only response was, he never has had a broken heart because of his handsomeness, so she was the first one who broke his heart no wonder why she became so important for him.

Before the pandemic she returned to school and I began to get in touch with her, we spent hours and hours talking and gossiping over our classmates, even we started doing our homework together as a form to cope with the quarantine. We kept hanging out together until one day I had a dream of her getting lost and no one cared about her security or her health, I was preoccupied with the mere thought of losing her, so I came to realize that I've developed feelings towards her, I had the doubt if she was also into girls because of my trans ass. I spoke with my specialist about her, instantly he encouraged me to confess my feelings to her, even my friends asked me to do it, due to their assumptions she maybe also in love. Then I came up with the idea to organize a horror film night, where we eat nachos and popcorn at my place. The day came, and we enjoyed the film sinister, soon after our bellies were full I take her to her flat and in the car I confessed my feelings, in the beginning, she thought I was joking, then she said she only saw me as a friend nothing more, even she added that I was too organized, and she was a mess. I started to stutter due to the shame and stress, she hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay, even she mentioned the idea of maybe we will laugh at this one day in the future.

I drove to my home in tears.

[belleaestheticfuture]

Echoes from the past are calling you.

[belleaestheticfuture]

My pronouns are she/they

Well, well, well, will you look at that? It’s Pride again.

You know the drill by now. It’s June 1, and suddenly everything from banks to big box stores has slapped a rainbow on their logo. Rainbow capitalism knows how to target LGBTQIA+ customers. For exactly 30 days of the year. How quaint.

Of course, it’s nice to make things bright, and colorful, and pretty. But it’s meaningless if that’s all it is.

Pride should be about uplifting and celebrating you, the community. And it should be year-round, not just 8.22% of the year. So, we’re signal-boosting your posts that celebrate, support, and honor all genders and sexualities over here. Follow to keep your dashboard lovely and gay as hell all year round.

And, yes, we’re also making a bit of a fuss right here on @celebrate (apparently, we just can’t help ourselves). So if you’re interested in talking about what Pride means to you or want to celebrate Pride but don’t know how to go about it this year, we made a fun little 30-day Share Your Pride Challenge list. Because you do, in fact, deserve to be celebrated.

Tag your posts with #ShareYourPride if you want to make them a little easier for other people to find. And Tumblr? Happy Pride. We’re glad you’re here.

[belleaestheticfuture]

I am not perfect but I am a limited edition

[belleaestheticfuture]

My relationship with food

Since I was a teenager, I had issues related to my nutrition, I was very fond into candies & fast food, I used to eat as a copying mechanism to avoid facing my feelings of discomfort. Soon I started to have more problems due to my bad habits such as, feeling slower, have concentration problems and obviously a raise in my weight, plus to be poked fun by my classmates, I regret not starting then a healthier diet. However, now I came to realize it is not only about knowing how to eat properly, but to be aware of what causes discomfort on you and deal with it, that makes the real change on you. 

I have to confess that diabetes runs in my mother’s family side, so there is a permanent risk for me of having that condition, then my strategies to avoid the illness are to be more honest with myself, to be more assertive with my relationships and to not take everything so seriously (I tend to worry too much about the future).

[belleaestheticfuture]

One of the first TV shows that caught my attention was Winx Club, this happened during my elementary school years, where I had the opportunity to attend to a friend’s party. Before our meals were ready my friends and I went to this girl’s room to watch some toons, after we had channelling for several minutes, it appeared one scene of Winx club where Bloom turns evil, and I fell in love with this series, even I asked my friend to leave the show on the TV, but a friend of mine was like, seriously? This show is just for girls are you a girl?. I became ashamed of myself and leave my friend to change it, from this moment I secretly watched this show every time I had the opportunity. My only regret was not stand up for what I like or dislike.

In my early college’s years, my best friend from Spain commented to me that she was also in love with the show and that made me euphoric, soon we started to form our club according to the caricature, we decided which character represented us best. My friend was Flora because she loved Nature and had her romantic attitude, she said I was Stella because I care about fashion and loved to grab the whole attention. We were so happy to start our own club, now I do realize what would have happened if I had the sufficient self-love to back up myself and have no shame on me, probably I would have started my own girls gang for supporting each other and have better school years.

[belleaestheticfuture]

Although darkness was coming, they found the light inside that kiosk, there they danced all night long.

[belleaestheticfuture]

Faith and desire allows people to touch the moon 

[belleaestheticfuture]

Freak Show (2017)

A movie about courage makes you think the best you can do in your life is to be authentic, people should not be afraid of not fitting into a certain group. Even though, you end up alone like the protagonist of this movie, also by stick into his values he gets a real friendship without labels.

Honestly I consider this movie on my top list favorite movies of all time, since I felt in love with the main character and his charisma.

[belleaestheticfuture]

After the rain when dark thoughts come to your mind of a forgotten love, you feel happiness deep inside, with a mix of feelings the aesthetic of the city can be easily perceived.

Pd: I have had a crush named Alejandro

But he only used me

The smoke of my vape carries away my memories about him knowing he will appear in my life again.

Source: pinterest