beanswithjill

[beanswithjill]

What do you do when a person you liked (once upon a time) decided to send you a message? And is “Hi” even a message? Well, I just received this exact message from a guy I liked last year, and do you know what I did? nothing. Just put it in the archived messages.

I don’t want to get too much into the issue because it’s been a year or so already, I just want to give... an angle, I guess, behind my decision. Anyway here goes. It was in August or September 2017. I had just been hired by a company to create communications for the corporation and other media related materials. we sat in the room with engineers and attorneys, divided by the usual movable big, hideous hairy walls to separate normal cubicles. I had only one friend back then, so I was excited and scared to meet people, more than that, I was excited to meet boys (ugh.gag ). I was curious why there were no people on the other side of the room, my friend told me that the hired engineers were still on field, and will not be back until late november or early october. 

Come October, the room was filled with awkward silence when I arrived. My friend told me that the engineers were back from field, I was surprised that they were still young and almost my age. At that time, I heard my friend suggest we eat out together for lunch to talk about the sites they’ve been to and the progress the company has been making at the front. I was genuinely interested because it was the first time I would be able to hear from real life engineers. 

None of them were my type but somehow, as we got to talking, I got to talking with one engineer, the quiet one. It was so weird, because the others were happy to talk but this one kept to himself. When he was asked about things, he would readily answer, there was actually an air to him; a humble cockiness of sorts. (its like engineers have this air to them, IDK maybe it comes with the title? whatever.) so after talking over lunch, I decided to talk to him a bit more because I sort of developed a crush on him around the 2nd week. (sue me, I was “deprived” of the opposite gender! joking. but srsly, I didn’t have much contact with the male specie so this act is an achievement for me) 

we started talking then I admitted I liked him and all that jazz. I wont tell you the details of how epically pathetic I was but yeah, I was being led on, basically. It took me how many months and plenty of conversations with my friends before I got around to actually stop contacting him. It came to a point where I felt sorry for myself because it seemed like I couldn’t help but message him, so the final act I did to end my stupidity and shenanigans was to yep, unfriend him. not block, unfriend. I was too much into him to block him for a long period of time so unfriending him was the best choice for me because all communications were cut off. we were strangers. until last month.

July 2019, I received a friend request. Lo and behold, the name I never thought I’d see again; the person who I thought I liked the most; and the person who made me (in my opinion) a stronger (or callous) person. It took me 5 days before I approved the request. and yes, I told my closest friends about it right away, or the friends who have seen me go through the stages of this pseudo-relationship. At first they told me, 100% not to add him, and I agreed with them. Funny enough the percentage of assurance decreased each day until I finally thought to myself, If I was truly over him, there was no harm in accepting his request. So I did.

And here we are now. 2 weeks after the debated request, is his message. which, ironically enough, were the words I had come to hate back when we had something. I used to love it so much but it got to be too sad and monotone and very rigid that it made me really question his feelings. that was one problem about our thing, I didnt know where we stood, and I was pretty sure neither did he. I think, he was pressured by his friends to entertain me, IDK why. but that would be my guess and now, I don’t want to feel that anymore.

I hated the uncertainty; the nights of talking like friends and nights spent being more than friends. I didnt like it. 

In hindsight, basically, I gave him the easiest out of all history; No drama, just radio silence. He was trying to escape from my chats, so I gave him the out he wanted, silence. By unfriending him I gave him what he wanted, and now, by adding me it just seems to prove me right the entire time; that I was someone to pass the time. Now that I know better, I don’t want to give him anything; more than that, I KNOW that I don’t need to give him anything anymore. He can get that from others, but not from me; not anymore.

I refuse to make that same mistake of putting myself second, because of attention. Girl, I deserve more than attention. I deserve time, however it can be given, as long as its out of your own free will. So, good bye. good riddance. we might be friends on social media, that doesn’t mean we’re friends in real life.