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Surely this next six minutes of hitting the snooze button on my alarm will leave me feeling well rested. Surely this time.

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I don’t have photoshop: the thrilling sequel

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Whenever I think about the Twilight movies my mind instantly goes to the scene where Bella first steps out of her father's car holding a tiny cactus. And then I remember the parody movie they made of Twlight where the main girl steps out the car with a gigantic cactus.

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oh I see. it was the crime of wanting. that's why I deserve it.

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drinking an entire bottle of wine then yelling at this like it's the super bowl

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major traffic incident

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everyones doing their end of year recaps really early. we still have like five days. heres a preview of mine though: i didnt collect any numbers about myself or my activities and im going to keep that one going. i didn't learn some set of major philosophical or otherwise broad lessons about how you're supposed to behave or do things. next year im going to make crepes #crepes

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my cat Meatball’s hanukkah sweater started kinda coming off, so my girlfriend went to fix it, and as she did so she said to him, in her most tender and maternal voice, “aww, is your shirt coming off? whore”

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They say that when you're giving a cat scritches, you should also take the opportunity to squoosh their pad paws, fiddle with their ears, make them do little dances, etc. to whatever extent they're willing to tolerate without distress, because working to build positive associations with being handled in this way will make medical examination and treatment much easier in the future. How fortunate, then, that this is exactly what 90% of cat owners are instinctively driven to do anyway.

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He sits on my lap while I spin, he does the little jiggle

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you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how math works

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Ive noticed recently that my generation has... no concept of what the various economic classes actually are anymore. I talk to my friends and they genuinely say things like "at least i can afford a middle class lifestyle with this job because i dont need a roommate for my one bedroom apartment" and its like... oughh

You guys, middle class doesnt mean "a stable enough rented roof over your head," it means "a house you bought, a nice car or two, the ability to support a family, and take days off and vacations every year with income to spare for retirement savings and rainy days." If all you have is a rented apartment without a roommate and a used car, you're lower class. That's lower class.

And i cant help but wonder if this is why you get kids on tumblr lumping in doctors and actors into their "eat the rich" rhetoric: economic amnesia has blinded you to what the class divides actually are. The real middle class lifestyle has become so unattainable within a system that relies upon its existence that theyve convinced you that those who can still reach it are the elites while your extreme couponing to afford your groceries is the new normal.

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I knew poinsettias "faked" having big flowers by just turning some leaves red but I didn't know the real tiny flowers in the middle looked like such idiots