barbokay

[barbokay]

When I first saw you,

all I want to know is why

Why you? Why me?

Why Us?

When you first tell me that you have never felt so alone

I never want you to feel loneliness like I have so I said that you are not

When you tell me that neither am I

I want to believe you, so I pretend I am not

When I saw you again,

I dare hope that you came for me

but I’m not ready for the reason

when you scream in pain

No one should dare hurt you, so I made him a no one.

When we fought together

I feel, Like I never felt before, I see like I never saw before

When I offer you the galaxy

I meant it, you can have anyway you wanted it, I meant it

When I saw your tears, shaking your head no

Have I hurt you? All I wanted is for us to be free

When you spare me my life

All I want to know is why

You know that I am in great pain

Why not finish the job?

When you flash your anger and close the door

I knew I lost you

I never wanted to come home until you close that door

I knew I can’t

When I thought I lost you

turned out it’s only your light

I have never miss the light until yours got so dim

Don’t go this way, just let me

When I told you who you are

it was the biggest mistake I have ever done

You are not your blood

You are just you and that’s enough

When we fought and we fought and we fought

I never doubted your power

I never envy it nor afraid of it

and then you strike me with anger

When you save me again

You shouldn't

I have lost things that ever matter

And then you said it

When I heard you say you wanted to take my hand

You meant it

and I know what I have to do

But i didn’t know that I have the strength to do it

When I became the man you wanted me to be

all I wanted is to deserve you

I have hope

I hope it’s not too late

When I get to you

and you trust me

I never get the answer to my questions

but now I have, I have all the answers

When I understand my purpose and destiny

I have to let you know that we’re together

I don’t know that I am sure what’s going to happen

But I don’t care, I am with you, I am in the right path

When I hanging on a the edge of the cliff

I thought that I would want to die

but I didn’t

as long as you are alive, I want to live

When you fought, You fought hard

Now’s the hardest

And I thought I knew torture, I thought I knew pain

Seeing you lay cold on the ground is excruciating

When you are my purpose and destiny

There’s nothing that I wouldn't do or give for you

So here’s my life

It is always yours to begin with

When You kissed me

I knew love again

And there’s your light again

it’s like coming home

When the time comes for me

You have to know that no ones ever really gone

I am with you no matter what

just like I promise, You are not alone.

[barbokay]

I am openly sobbing, again, over Ben Solo

“The thing that we started with for “Who is Ben, then?” is someone who has hope. There’s no more ambiguity about what it is he has to do. There’s no more seesaw that’s happening. For the first time, someone who has never had the answer now finally knows his purpose or destiny. He has to let her know that they’re together. But I don’t know that he entirely is sure of what’s going to happen from there, nor do I think he cares. I think it’s so long as he’s with her, he’s on the right path.”

— Adam Driver on Ben Solo’s redemption, from The Skywalker Legacy documentary. (via alderaanbraids)

[barbokay]

it’s just a pain train. I’m sorry. (esp. after TROS novelisation, I’m extra sorry)

Back Story:

Post Crait (TLJ), Rey, who felt like she didn’t belong with the resistant anymore, ran away from base and was injured in an unknown planet, the bond opened, and ben saved her. He didn’t want her to, but she followed him to self-exile them self in an outer rim moon nobody knows of.Rey found out her linage (being a Palpatine), she hated it, hated herself, but Ben helped her to be back on track. Long story short, they fell in love, made a family, and then THIS happen (if you don’t want to read it, basically Poe find them and killed Ben). This is 13 years later, after Reylo baby is all grow up with no memory of his dad until his friends found out about whom his dad was and bullied him hard for being a monster’s son.

“Hey, kid. What are you doing here?”

Jacen was unbothered. He was walking around the glass case, looking around the medals and trophies that mostly got the Resistance emblem on it.

“You sure have a lot of medals.” Jacen didn’t look at Poe, his eyes kept wondering around.

“To be honest with you, it kept loosing meaning.”

“That’s too bad.” Jacen stopped and his cold gaze caught Poe’s. “Which ones do you get for killing my father?” Jacen tried his best to keep from showing his overwhelming emotions.

“What?” Poe was caught off guard.

“Which one is it? Is it this one? ‘Bravery in defense of the resistance’. Has killing my father lost any meaning to you? Don’t you feel proud of yourself for it?” Jacen’s eyes started to glass and darken. He saw Poe and it’s like he’s in his mother’s vision where Poe Dameron shot his father and now he could only see red.

“Jacen... kid. You don’t understand.”

“What should I understand?” His eyes are now brimmed red and the blood vessel in his eyes breaks. The glass cases shook as well as the ground and it put Poe into a jolt of shock. Jacen’s force is causing all of it. His power is growing by the second fueled by the anger he had in his bones.

“Son...” suddenly a whisper in Jacen’s ear. “Let go.” It whispers again but Jacen keep ignoring it.

“Stop! Jacen! STOP!” Screamed Poe with fears filling his eyes.

“Jacen... let go...” Jacen hear it again, the whisper.

“Kid! Listen! Kylo Re... Ben solo was...” Said Poe who was trying to keep his feet on the ground.

“Don’t you dare say his name!” Jacen pushed Poe to wall behind him and break every single glass case and trophy/medals with the force like dominos.

Everything in the room is broken and there were glass pieces everywhere. Poe was trying to get up from his fall when Jacen pushed him back down. Poe can feel his temple was bleeding and he got a massive headache from the bang. Jacen wanted to hurt him more, Poe deserve nothing good after what he had done to his family.

Jacen was about to step closer to Poe and do more damage to him when he heard another whisper, “Turn away, son, please. Let me show you where to go. Turn away now.”

His foot was heavy, he didn’t want to show mercy let alone weakness, but Jacen turned around anyway. He didn’t feel tug or pushed, but his feet were moving one in front of the other by itself. Like it knows where to go and his body followed it.

Jacen didn’t feel any fear when he was about to destroy Poe’s trophy room and pushed him against the wall, but now suddenly fear rushed trough him and make his body weak and tremble. He didn’t know he got that much power inside his newly developed body. He looked down at his hands and felt like it’s not his.

“No. Stop. Wait.” His body wanted to move but his mind was stopping him. “What is happening to me?” He asked as if there was someone around him that could answer. “Who ever you are... I know you know what’s happening.”

“Keep walking, son. I promise. I’ll show you.”

Jacen took a deep breath and continued walking.

—————————******——————————

“Dameron!” Rey shouted from behind the doors. Poe, who was still sitting on floor with his bloody forehead, could only groan in pain. “Dameron!” She shouted again.

“Just come in!!” Poe shouted back in frustration.

Rey opened the door that was heavy due to the rubbles around it.

Rey got inside and look around the now destroyed trophy room. That room, she noticed it from her holopad once. It was on the news, right after she was dragged to the base. She noticed the white sharp powder that was on the floor; it was once glass from the cases. No one can smash glass like this except for force user. Jacen!

“Dameron!” She shouted one more time and heard a loud groan on the other side of the room. She carefully got to where the sound came from and then she saw Poe with bloodied cheeks trying to get off the floor. “What did you do to my son?” She was gripping her saber that was attached to her belt.

Poe let out a painful cough and weaved before he could answer. “I did nothing to him, I swear!” It was painful to talk.

“Then what the hell happen?” Her breath was heavy.

“He asked me about be.. His father.” Learned from a recent lesson, he wouldn’t say his name again.

“He had a name you know.” Said Rey walking closer to him.

“Well I won’t say it again!” Shout Poe. “That is why this bantha-crap happened.”

Rey’s lip pushed into a tight line. “Where is he?” She asked sternly.

“He ran off. I was sure he was going to hurt me again, but h..”

“Why? Why are you sure? Because he’s ben’s son or because he’s a Palpatine just like me?”

“Because I deserve it!” Poe yelled again. His answer startled Rey. She didn’t think he would say that. “I broke your family and I deserve it.”

Rey stared at Poe for a moment. She said that she could never forgive him, yet her heart started to betray her. “Do you know where he ran off to?”

“No.” He shook his head; his chest was heavy with breath.

Suddenly, Rey felt something grazing her force signature. As if someone caressed her shoulder to make her aware. She closed her eyes to concentrate and figure things out. She can feel something, something so familiar, something she longs for over 10 years now. Ben? She didn’t want to be hopeful, but it’s very hard when she want it to be true for so long that this day would come.

She’s seeing something, something familiarly cold, the metal beast she used to hate, the Tie.

“Ben’s ship... is it here?” She looked at Poe and her eyes are glistening with tears.

Poe looked at her with a great amount of confusion. “It just got here, a few days ago. It’s on Leia’s will, she order it to be brought here, I thought you knew.”

“No.” She answered quietly. “Where is it?”

—————————******——————————

“A Tie ship, First order.” Jacen was out of breath. He couldn’t believe what’s in front of him. For over 10 years now, he has been obsessed with a lot of make and models of many spaceships, but this one, the one that he had not realised belongs to his father, is another kind of a space beast. It’s impressive, yet too familiar.

Trust me. Get inside. Said the voice. Jacen was trying to figure whether that voice belongs to the light or the dark. He didn’t find a definite answer. His mother had told him something about the balance of the force, but not much that he could know what it is.

He got into the ship and the air that hits him from the inside brings an immediate memory of his childhood. Right on the arch of the cockpit, he can see something carved in. ’Jacen’s, 75 by’ and above that ‘First officer Jacen Solo’, and above that ‘Captain J. Solo’. He recognized, it’s not in his mother’s handwriting nor his, someone else wrote it on the wall, someone he wished he know or didn’t forget.

“I’ve been here.” He said quietly to himself.

Then he saw something shiny hanging by the windshield, the twin dice. He observed it at first the. Picked it up. The gold metal is cold against the warmth of his palm. He put it on his right hand and close his fingers shut. Right away he can feel and see his grandmother Leia but younger. “She’s so beautiful. Strong.” He thought. Then, someone else, he got his smirk, his stance, and he pilot the falcon it with uncle Chewie. And then he saw a little boy with dark hair, he looks just like him when he was five, only his nose is different. He was sitting on the falcon’s pilot seat, pretending to be a pilot.

Jacen. The voice is back and it startled him. It tried to warn him, but Jacen wouldn’t stop seeing his vision.

“Don’t stop me, I need to know.” He said to the thin air and he can feel it understanding him somehow.

Jacen continue to see. The black haired boy, he can hear voices too, only different ones, bad ones, from the dark side.

“I don’t know what to do with him.” The man Jacen saw earlier was talking to his grandmother.

“You don’t know or are you scared, Han?” Leia snarled back. Han, he must be the pilot. He had heard that name before

“Oh don’t put words in my mouth. You’re scared. You don’t know what to do with Ben!”

Jacen got another name, Ben, the black haired kid.

He saw him again, Ben, He is now grown. Ben stood in front of Han, darkness surrounded them. “I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain.” Said Ben. His face couldn’t hide the conflict within him. “I know what I have to do but I don’t know if have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”

“Yes, anything.” Said Han. There was a pause but the red strikes through Han’s body. Seeing it send a great shiver down Jacen’s spine he almost couldn’t stand.

“No!” Someone screamed from afar, Jacen know that voice, it’s his mom.

Jacen turned around to see his mom but then he saw Ben again, only now he got a prominent scar across his face. He kneeled and looked forward as if looking through Jacen, but Jacen knew, he’s looking at someone else. Jacen turned back around and saw Rey, not a vision, she really is there.

“Jacen...” said Rey, she exhaled in relief that she had found her son in one piece. Her voice is small but it was filled lots of emotion, fear and guilt. Jacen never saw her like this.

“Mom.” He went across and hugged his mom. His whole body is cold and shaking, both in fear and adrenaline. He didn’t know what was he going through and why is this happening.

“I’m here, sweetheart. I’m here.” He’s so much taller than her but she managed to hold his son’s head. She’s scared for both of them, but she has to be strong for him.

“I don’t understand any... anything!” He yelled, the frustration is snapping. His forehead was on Rey’s shoulder.

“I know. It’s okay. You don’t have to understand.” She still wanted to protect him. ‘It’s too much, too hard for him right now.’ She thought

“Mom,” He snapped up right after she finished her sentence. His eyes were still brimmed red and his face was red and blotchy. “I need to understand. You don’t have to shield me from anything. I’m not a kid anymore. And... All this power...” it’s scary, it’ll scare you. He didn’t say it but she can hear it.

“It does not scare me, Jacen. I will never be scared of who you are, my love.” She grabbed his face.

“Ben.” Jacen said his father’s name and it made Rey’s breath hitched. “He’s my father, isn’t he? Grandma was scared of his power.” He can feel Rey’s hand that was on his face turned cold. “He killed someone. Han, my grandfather. Didn’t he?” His voice is full of anger, spite.

“He..” Rey tried to speak but couldn’t.

“He was a bad man.” That anger roared again and Rey’s hand fell from his face. She held herself tightly, afraid she might burst out. She couldn’t look at him so she starred at the ground.

“A monster.” He said it and Rey’s head snapped right up. Her eyes still got fear, but now old pain has brought another kind of emotion.

“What my friends have been mocking me with is true, isn’t it? I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s true, isn’t it? Evil blood runs inside of me, I’m a monster’s son.”

That does it for Rey.

“You.” She grabbed Jacen by his arms, her voice was course. “If the only thing you want to believe and care is what blood running inside of you, then the monster’s blood running through your vein is mine, not your father’s.” She held the great despair inside of her for as long as she could.

Jacen stared at his mother blankly, confused, dumbfounded, and somewhat betrayed. “What?”

“Your father was a bad man.” And she broke down, openly sobbing in front of her child. She pulled herself in, letting go of her son and wrapped her arms tightly around herself, needing the pressure to keep her intact. “I can’t... I can’t tell you any of this.” She promised. She promised her husband not to tell anything about him and his past to their children.

“Mom... Please.” Jacen grew Fun concern. “I need to know.”

And she did the thing she didn’t allow herself do for the past 12 years. She looked around the room, hoping that some form of Ben is there. She couldn’t find him and then she closed her eyes, reaching. ‘I have to tell him. I’m sorry.’

She open her eyes again and all she can see is the 6 year old Jacen who about to turn 7, just when she was about to hid away his memory of his father. She carefully placed her hand on his head. His hair is soft, it reminds her of Ben’s. He’s truly his son.

She took a long breath, hoping that it’d make her stronger. It did the opposite, but she had to this nonetheless. She looked at her son and she realised he deserved everything in the galaxy and that includes the truth. And then she told him everything, about her past, Ben’s past, the war, her grandfather who tormented Ben and how he turned him into the notorious Kylo Ren, how Ben fleet from the first order and saved her, how they were hiding on self-exile, how she died from fighting the only blood relative she had left, how Ben died almost died saving her, and how they fall in love and become a family. It was never hard for her to talk about the war, She fought in it, and she fought hard. But it was never easy to talk about Ben. Because no matter what, nobody will understand how a man was tormented and tortured since he was born, how his family actually pushed him aside in fear when all he wanted is to belong. People wouldn’t understand how ben and Rey were a force dyad, how she could only belongs to him and he belongs to her.

“Your father... He thought about everything. He didn’t want you to grow up carrying a huge burden of his mistake when he was not there to carry it for you. So, he made me promised to hide him from your memory so you can grow a happy kid with zero burden of the past.” It killed her when she promised it and it killed her again right now. “I hope you forgive us for doing that to you.” She wiped the tears that were on Jacen’s face “You were born from incredible love. It does not matter what blood runs inside of you. All that matters is you are our love and he loved you very much”

[barbokay]

Rian did build kylo/ben up so much, but so does JJ in tros. To waste him in the ending like that is such a dumb move! JJ actually made people care about him more, it is his doing too!! The plot didn’t let us grieve leia properly, and even more Ben! I don’t even understand why do I hate the name skywalker so much after i watch “the rise of friggin SKYWALKER”. Isn’t it ironic and sad? 42 years of making the name great, just went down the drain because of dumb choices. It makes me wonder, is TROS just a giant middle finger for the whole fandom?

“Star Wars was built and branded around the Skywalker name, a legacy of the righteous Queen of Naboo and the Chosen One, princess and best pilot in the galaxy and all passed down to the little prince. I have no problem with Rey taking the Skywalker name at the end of the film, if it wasn’t for how the life and legacy of Ben was handled. No mention of him after his death, no recognition that the infamous Kylo Ren had come home like his mother always thought he would, nothing but a few seconds in Rey’s arms until he disappeared. He didn’t get a funeral like his grandmother and grandfather before him, no homage to his sacrifice was mentioned. He didn’t even appear as a force ghost in his family’s home as a final goodbye and to give closure to the Skywalker legacy. Disney had so much potential for this trilogy, for Ben Solo, and instead they gave it to Rey without even honoring the Skywalker lineage. It was a pathetic end for a story line that’s been going on since 1977.”

           ��Ayanna Branham, ‘The Tragedy of Ben Solo’ (Comicbook Debate)

[barbokay]

I’ve taken this to heart.

[barbokay]

Wearing my good boy ben solo shirt whilst listening to MCR. I’m ded inside.

[barbokay]

It was painful for me.

1. I tought i was fine when I get out of the theater, I know that people are going to be pissed, all of the adrenaline still rushed trough my veins.

2. Just when i got back home, lock my apartment door, my head was down the toilet bowl, hurled my guts out and sobbing, crying frantically.

3. The next morning I have to go to work, my whole body hurt, cried so much, i cry 3 times on the motorcycle trying to go to work.

4. By lunch I already cry 2 times more and everything still painful. I thought all of it are an over exaggeration of a reaction towards something that is 1000% fictional.

5. I cried 3 whole days after i watched it. Just before my bestfriend wedding I stopped, partied my sorrow away, and today i was fine for a little.

Griefing over fictional characters, didn’t know it was a thing till now. Nuts.

Hi Reylo Friends, 

 People saying they have physical symptoms like nausea, trouble sleeping, body aches and headaches etc.  That’s your body responding to grief and stress. So if you’ve felt a little off it’s because your body’s helping you work out the miserableness.

It sucks, it’s hard, and your body is helping you.  Make sure you’re helping it too. If you’re having trouble eating, don’t shoot for a full meal, try and eat little snacks.  Three bites every now and then, or minimal swallowing food like yogurt or soup. Try and go on walks to get your blood flowing, or stretch if you can’t get outside.  Try something methodical with your hands (playing music on an instrument, crafting, cooking even if you can’t eat the food now you can store it for later).

It’s hard—it’s devastating.  It speaks to your heart that you loved this all as much as you did, and it speaks to the power of the story you fell in love with as well. Grief is real and it is grief.  Let yourself grieve, but don’t forget to take care of yourself physically. Don’t “it’s just a movie” yourself.  Because yes, it’s a movie, but just because it’s in your head doesn’t mean it’s not real.  That’s the power of art and fiction and humanity.  Feel your feelings; but remember little ways of taking care of yourself as you do.

[barbokay]

Got my tickets

Got home from work pretty late the whole building was practically empty, checked on the ticket sites on the elevator, it’s not up yet. i was asleep on the cab on the way home, i never fall asleep on a cab alone, but i’m so tired. Crawled to bed just right after i shut my door and lock it. I was about to put away my phone and doing final check up when the ticket seller platform let out an announcement of ticket sales tomorrow. I was about to wait till 00.00, but being neurotic that i am, i checked the app again, and there it is... now i have my tickets... yea.... i’ll rest after wednesday.

P.s just let me know if you want me to spoil it to ya. I live in south east asia (gmt +7) and i’ll be watching it at 8 pm. By 10ish i should be done. Just hit me up. But i believe there will be a lit of it already by then. The first show is at 4 pm and i’ll still be at work. 😕

[barbokay]

Just incase you need to prepare your heart before they kill (or not kill) our disney prince in TROS.

Context: Reylo escaped and made a family in a secluded outer rim moon. The resistance think rey is mia or kia or got kidnapped for 5 years. Poe foud them and (not to make him the worst guy, he’s just following orders but,) he shot Ben.

———————————————————————

“Ben. No.” Tears pooled up on her eyes. She scrapped both of her knees to the ground and blood started to spill out the wound. She couldn’t feel the pain on her knees as the sight in front of her is burning a hole to her heart. Her husband, laying on the ground almost lifeless and spilling so much more blood than she ever could’ve imagine a person can.

He groan in pain as he tried to put pressure on the wound by his ribs. Rey tried to replace his hand with hers but Ben stopped her. “Ben, I’m healing you!”

“Don’t sweet heart.” He said softly, the softest he ever was. “Please, don’t.” He slowly dragged his hand from her chest down to her belly. He stopped where he can feel a small center of the force inside of her.

“You’re dy...” she stopped herself after she understand what he was doing.

“She’s sleeping so peacefully, Rey.” He was still holding her belly. There she realized, she’s growing another human being inside of her. This time a girl. “Don’t heal me. She need your strength. She needs you.”

“Ben...” she grabbed his hand and held it on her cheek. “Don’t do this, Ben.” She shook her head whilst hot tears keep spilling down her cheeks. “Don’t leave.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He ran his thumb across her cheeks. “Come here, hold m...” another wave of pain stroke him and made him winced and a new wave of panic washed over Rey. “Just come close, sweetheart.”

She placed her head on top of his chest with her hands embracing him, holding his weakened body. His heart, it thumped so familiar yet too soft against her ear. She was used to his heart roaring against her touched, just like this morning, when they were still tangled up to each other in their house, on their bed, much like now but far less tragic and the same amount of love and devotion.

“Sweetheart... listen.” He placed his hand on her head, letting go from his wound, smearing blood on her hair. She couldn’t care less. “I ate the last fiber bars... the good kind, the ones we both like.” He smiled. He was ready for this. He’s greeting death like an old friend with a confession of his sins towards his wife.

“You didn’t. I hid one from you.” She smiled but her tears had not dried up.

“I ate your stash.” He dryly laugh and so does she.

“Ben...” she reached for his cold hand and entwined their fingers. “Stop.” She squeezed his hand. “No more confession. I’m not ready. I won’t ever be.”

“I promised you. One more, hm?” He had promised. Two confessions before he’s gone.

Heavy heartedly she nodded her head that was still on his chest. Ben pulled out something out of his pocket and reached for something he had been keeping from her for two days then placed it on her hand. Without looking at it, she can feel what it is he had given her, it’s her beacon, he triggered it, that’s why dameron is here. Her tears rolled down her cheeks like it’s acid burning her flesh. “Go home to my mother. You won’t be alone anymore. Jacen can have friends, Lots and lots of friends. He’ll be happier. I know he’ll be.” He painfully smiled as he mention his son’s name. Right then he remembered, how tiny Jacen was on his arm when he hold him for the first time and swears with his heart that was full with nothing but love that Jacen will not live the same life he did, he’ll do anything to protect his family and nos He got to fulfill that promise.

“Go home with me, Come with me.” She held his hand and hold his face with the other. "We’ll talk to your mother. We go back to the base and we’ll figure things out. Whatever you say, we do. I won’t say no. Please. They have Med Droids, we can go now. Just hold on. Please...” she begged and begged, but nothing is going her way. Every air that she breathe in feels like fire. “I am the love of your life, and you are mine. Live and love me, Ben. Love me!” She’s screaming, angry at the universe.

“I do, I love you, Sweetheart... Just let me go. It’s fine. Everyhthing will be alright. I promise you a good life, and you’ll live one with our kids.”

She shook her head and her quivering lips keep moving, wording the word ‘no’ over and over again.

His body got cold and Rey can actually feel their bond are slipping from her but she tried to get a hold of it. She won’t let him go out of her embrace even though as his body got limp she can feel her soul got scorn and ripped out of her body.

“Ben, don’t go.” She whisper to his ear, hoping that he’s still there to answer her. “Ben Solo, Please don’t let go.” She hold him tighter but he’s not there anymore.

[barbokay]

a point of life where you just want to go to bed

i’m in that point where I realise that I’m wasting my time for the wrong persons. in that point that i can’t shed anymore tears because i’m tired and it’s quite useless. in that point that I question myself why does these feelings exist. in that point where i can come to a conclusion that this is the best way of how this could happen, it happened the way i need it to happen. in an ideal world, it will go as i want it to be, but i am at that age to realise that it is not going to be that way. i’m in that time that i don’t want to or should not run to a habit like drinking, or smoking when the day sucks because i know that if i do it, i maybe hooked to it for quite a long time. but then again, you can’t just run from your problems, right? although, it is not quite a problem, the day just sucks. like always, this so called post is not addressed to a certain person, but this is some kind of note-to-self that i needed to read and maybe laugh at in the future. Why do I post it? well, I can’t tell my best friends and siblings, they have way more problems than i am and i don’t want to be a burden, because i’ve been trough this for so many times in a year. part of me is ashamed that i have to go trough this again, and then here i am, maybe putting an end to all of this. as a typical woman that i am, i want the person whom i left feel extremely lost without me, but part of me also want them to quickly move on with their life, begin a new chapter without me in it, so i can look at them and see that they’re happy the way they deserve to. my biggest fear is actually not death itself, but not to be remembered when i am dead, well, being forgotten when you are alive pretty sucks too, but at least i am alive. I needed to be in a place where i can be remembered as a good person.

[barbokay]

A new hollywood diet, start eating your china peeps.

‘’whats your favorite dish?” 

“a mug”

[barbokay]

My biggest fear is taking a screenshot of a convo and accidentally sending it to the same person 

[barbokay]

Reblog before Jay-Z and his regime delete this

[barbokay]

On a scale of 1 to SM, how badly can you fuck everything up??

[barbokay]

Kurt Vonnegut: 16 Rules For Writing Fiction

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them — in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

9. Find a subject you care aboutand which you in your heart feel others should care about.

10. Do not ramble.

11. Keep it simple. Simplicity of language is not only reputable, but perhaps even sacred.

12. Have guts to cut. Your rule might be this: If a sentence, no matter how excellent, does not illuminate your subject in some new and useful way, scratch it out.

13. Sound like yourself. The writing style which is most natural for you is bound to echo the speech you heard when a child.

14. Say what you mean. You should avoid Picasso-style or jazz-style writing, if you have something worth saying and wish to be understood.

15. Pity the readers. Our stylistic options as writers are neither numerous nor glamorous, since our readers are bound to be such imperfect artists.

16. You choose. The most meaningful aspect of our styles, which is what we choose to write about, is utterly unlimited.

[barbokay]