bandersnatchers

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Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?

Everybody, apparently: No?

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however I think it's lame that, as far as mental health self-assessments of teenagers go, no one thinks they're a psychopath when they're a teenager anymore. likeeee back in my day we watched death note and were like "oh wow i'm such a sicko ... no one understands..."

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no one ever tells you to appreciate your knees not hurting while you’re there. whoever you are where ever you are in life if your knees don’t hurt right now just know and remember you have about 45 seconds left

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i think about this LITERALLY every time i walk past anyone ever it has permanently lodged itself in my brain

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hi yeah i know ive been on this medication for 8 years but i need-- yeah. yeah 3 more months please. I'll call you in 3 months to beg for 3 more months, thanks. Bye. Love you.

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one of the most important things, perhaps the most important thing I have learned in my life is that nice people can fuck each other up in monstrous ways. people can be bone deep kind and loving and self reflective and still lash out under pressure. people can be earnestly neighbourly and charitable and hospitable and generous and still find themselves in situations where they become selfish. people can be well meaning and easygoing and gregarious and hold deep seated opinions that turn them into vicious little bullies under the right conditions. nobody is just one thing, and nobody stays one way. every person is a kaleidoscope and they will surprise you. you will surprise yourself. it's not a warning and it's not a judgement and it's not an excuse, and it's certainly not a reason to stop trying or to stop trusting. it is just a fact.

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hi im a mosquito I just noticed you're a giant ape with extremely dextrous limbs and binocular vision that make you well-equipped to kill me. its very nice of you to have just batted me away instead of annihilating me with a powerful thunderclap, as you could easily do. my plan from here on out is probably to fly in a sort of loose semicircle right back towards you and to try injecting you with my venoms and stealing your blood and giving you diseases etc. ah fuck

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Basically for the past 100 years when a group of guys got together and started hanging out they would eventually form a band. This was when there was balance in the universe. Then at some point in the 2010s a powerful crystal cracked and a single shard was lost and then strife began… and now when a group of guys get together they form a podcast

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if you've ever pet more than a few dogs you'd Know what dog residue is

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women stories matter

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I'm up to the "I dunno maybe children working 13 hour shifts is bad, guys" part of Capital and it feels important to inform people that haven't read it yet that capitalists in the 19th century were not by any means wringing their hands and twirling their mustaches about employing children to squeeze out profits, they were hiring "experts" to write newspaper articles for them, explaining how "well, the socialists have these big demands about an 8-hour work day, and taking Saturdays off, but it's actually just so complicated, it's too complicated for most people to understand, we just NEED to hire children for night shifts because the stamina of their strong, youthful bodies is the only way we can survive as a business! It's science, you see. Economics doesn't work like that, just ask our economics professors at Oxford. You CAN'T turn a profit only working people 8 hours! Trust the experts, they know. It's just so complicated..."

That exact infuriating cadence that you read in New York Times articles, in the Atlantic Monthly, in the WaPo and all the other bourgeois rags where "everything is so complicated, and it's actually a lot more complicated than you think.." that has been around since the beginning. It is nothing new. So the next time you see some op-ed from Matt Yglesias or any of those other guys huffing their own farts about how "complicated" everything is, and how "unrealistic" a 30-hour work week is, remember that Marx was dealing with that exact class of "intellectuals" "explaining" how working 13 hours at age 10 was "vital" to the "moral fibre" of those poor kids.

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today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well

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“omg you’re so creative. how do you get your ideas” i hallucinate a single scene in the taco bell drive thru and then spend 13 months trying to write it

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"everybody these days is writing bad poetry about blood sex death cannibalism dog flesh blood" I Don't Think This Is A Problem Like You Think It Is. people have been writing bad poetry always. who cares. six years ago it was pomegranates holyholyholy.