acne-agony

[acne-agony]

oW stop it ur hurting my repressed feelings

[acne-agony]

I am too fat and I’m not pretty enough.

I am too lazy and I’m not smart enough.

I am too boring and I’m not funny enough.

I am too loud and I’m not nice enough.

I am too stupid and I’m not motivated enough.

I AM too much and at the same time I’m not enough.

[acne-agony]

ok so maybe our sun signs aren’t compatible ,, but our moon signs JIVE

[acne-agony]

HE CAN MAKE A LOUD WOMAN quiet and this

is how you love yourself

behind door half shut / beneath sheets that will never know you above / the shoulders / the moonlight here eats at your girlhood carcass / vulture of my youth / scar tissue of my soul

here .  

in the rain rot heart mouth hearth you are / free to roam / free to / comb your mind for those blue walls that make you itch / 

oh the secrets you home and the hips you borrowed / the makeshift slipping up and in of all those secret rendezvous you / alone / conduct / with the hands that make you bleed 

this . 

is how you love yourself

to memory and the head between it / touching all the places that make you angry / pledging allegiance to that thing that makes you hurt

and oh

how you have been embalmed by your own bed red misdeed

the pillow that sweats with his name and we are

so full we are so full we are so full and

i

am sick with my own milk

tonight / in bed / we hear church bells / go limp on the rice / another passing of vows between the blankets of sleep and this 

is how he makes a loud woman quiet

behind door half shut

[acne-agony]

I’m sad and NOT in the pinterest kind of way

[acne-agony]

off topic but Lolita was totally a libra

[acne-agony]

What my fridge sees when i open it for the 11th time, knowing damn well im finna stare for five minutes only to grab another water bottle

[acne-agony]

[acne-agony]

Pretty baby

[acne-agony]

[acne-agony]

leg check

46kg 163cm

bmi: 17,3

[acne-agony]

in love

[acne-agony]

[acne-agony]

[acne-agony]

[acne-agony]

March 1, 2019.

9 am: I awake still trembling from last night’s coffee. I am back on the green tea and multivitamins. Two months of not obsessing, of feeling good about myself whilst eating in the unrestricted zone. But you understand. There was Thanksgiving. Then Christmas. Holidays, you know? Then there was the common my mother said in the car one night. You’re thinnish. Thinnish. Thin-ISH. They never say I am fat, or even mildly overweight. But they never say I’m skinny either. Just thinnish. I need to slip below that. Below the thinnish. I need to lose the ISH and stick to thin. Then there was that photo of myself I saw. My body was hidden behind a jacket, but my face . . . mother fucker . . . I had to put myself to bed after that before I did something horrible. Something crazy. Something dramatic. Something bad, bad, bad. Anyway, here I am. Back on it. Active again. 

I need to get back to the hollow. To the carved out inside, hurts when I walk thin. I need to get back to the state where my mom asks if I’ m feeling okay, or remarks on my paleness, and how gaunt I am looking today. I just need to get back there, and I will be better. And as strange as it is to admit, I want to get back to having that something to obsess over. Something to feel good about. Daily accomplishments that build up inside like muscle matter. 

6 pm: Apart from three almonds, I refrain from eating all day. It’s not that difficult, really. Not until my parents spoil themselves with fast food hamburgers and fries. My mouth waters as I pass the kitchen, and I help myself to one fry, then boil another pot of tea. 

9 pm: Still nothing, and I feel okay with myself. I do a set of forty sit-ups, then take my shower. Tomorrow I will weigh myself. According to my calculations, after today I should weigh 116 LBS. 

[acne-agony]

I miss your daily updates :(

Well, you’re in luck! Saw a picture of myself today and had a mini breakdown so I’m active again! Back to eating only green tea and water. Daily updates coming soon.