babyfloydsmommy - Tumblr blog

[babyfloydsmommy]

Another year passes... and the only thing that keeps changing is my number of losses. Say a special prayer for me today.

[babyfloydsmommy]

Dear Baby Floyds,

Surprise guys! This isn’t Mommy. This is Daddy.

You may not know me...you didn’t live inside me like you lived inside mommy, but know my entire heart belongs to you both. I rubbed mommy’s tummy while y’all were there. I gave y’all little kisses! I gently rested my head on you. Yep, that wasn’t just some random stranger, it was me! Someone who loves you both dearly. I hope y’all felt the love and excitement that I had and still have for y’all. Trust me, it was unreal and like no other.

I just need to talk. I hope y’all don’t mind and can spare a minute from Heaven....I’m feeling a little alone.

When your mommy told me about you, our oldest, it was in McDonald’s. We tried so hard for a long time for you. Just some random night, there you were. She took a test to see if you were coming and wrapped it up like a little Christmas present! You were the best Christmas present ever. You were a gift from God, and the feeling was indescribable. I was scared to fail you...but I could not wait to hold you. After a lot of pain, we found you...and we were happy.

Mommy didn’t feel too well soon after...she was a little sick. She told her grandmommy, she was worried and wanted you to be okay. Me too. The day after, December 23, you left mommy physically. It was not your fault. God had other plans for you, and that’s okay. It hurt us bad, and we still hurt sometimes, because we miss you. Your mommy gave up for a while after you left. She was devastated. I was too...I wasn’t that strong back then either, but I promise you kiddo, I did all I could to help your mommy, while missing you too.

After a long time, the depression became at least a little better....mommy picked her head up easier, but she still hurt. Which is understandable. We’d see people who have little blessings so easily and we were jealous. We were and are so jealous other people can have their blessings when God didn’t let us have you. I tried to help mommy through that...maybe I didn’t do the right things in her eyes, but I tried so hard. Just know, that I never wanted her to feel alone.

Years went by, you’re still in our minds but I always said we should live for you. To make you proud of us. Mommy and I actually built a little home, got married, exciting stuff! I was happy with her. I was happy with our lives. I was happy where we were headed.

But sometimes I failed your mommy. You leaving us hurt...so I try not to think too much. Sometimes I messed up when your mommy needed me. When your mommy was ready to try again...I told her I’d buy her any test she wanted, even when it became obsessive.

Now this is your story, ya new kid on the block...I was very hopeful. I was very positive. Of course, like your older sibling I was scared to fail you, but without a shadow of a doubt I knew I wanted you. Mommy did all sorts of weird things to help you start growing in mommy’s tummy, and the nice lady doctor gave her things to help. I knew you were coming, if not then...I knew you’d come eventually. Mommy was worried because of the last time...she didn’t want that to happen to you. She was scared, but I told her all was going to be okay, to have faith.

Doctors appointments came and went, your mommy took like 7462891 tests to see if you were there. One night, your uncles were being silly and slept in our living room and mommy gave me a little stocking with that little test telling me you were on the way. I was so uplifted, but hey...I knew you were here all along! You could see your mommy’s glow. Mommy and I were so excited to have this second chance to bring a baby into the world. We wanted to shout from the mountain tops you were on the way. We told our friends and they were pumped too! Then came the day we were take your first picture....the lady in the doctors office couldn’t find you. Our hearts dropped.

We were so scared, mommy was so hurt...soon after we lost you too. But as before, it wasn’t your fault. And as before, it wasn’t mommy’s either. I was a little better when you left us than when your sibling left. By this time in my life, I had grown and matured, and though we lost you...I still believed and had faith our family was coming. I stayed strong for Mommy. Mommy did good...she hurt, we both did, but I felt we held ourselves better than before. We would still have the nice doctor to help us, we’d figure it out. Mommy didn’t want to do Christmas this year, she didn’t want to see your cousins, but mommy was strong and she did.

Your mommy is the strongest person I think we’ll ever know on this Earth. Mommy didn’t need me to be strong for her. So instead of telling her it’s beyond our understanding and that we will have our time, I should have not said any of that and just cried with her...that was mine and mommy’s last little argument we had, before it all changed. She didn’t want to be reassured, she wanted to feel her feelings were normal, that she wasn’t the only one, that she wasn’t alone. She wasn’t alone...but I didn’t make her feel differently.

Mommy acted different...she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. She wanted time alone but wanted to be with someone else. You see guys, I never made mommy happy. I thought I did. I was. But...I don’t think she ever was. She found someone that made her feel things that she never thought possible she could. Maybe she thought she was happy until she actually felt it. All those perfect and special moments we shared that made me feel like life was perfect...they were just memories to her, and the feelings she has for this other guy...I think made her see she wasn’t happy, she was just content. She’s leaving me guys, and I wanted to talk to y’all about that.

Don’t. Blame. Yourselves. That’s the most important thing I want you both to hear. If you both were here mommy would be thrilled. We’d shower you with love. But...that doesn’t mean mommy would be happy with me, understand?

I don’t know what you’re taught wherever you are, but if y’all were able to stay with us, I would have encouraged you to always follow your heart...not your mind. That’s exactly what mommy is doing, so we can’t be mad or blame her either.

Your mommy has lived through a lot of pain. She deserves, more than anything to be happy...and babies...if that doesn’t lead her to me, we have to accept it. We have to be happy for mommy that she’s found someone that can make her smile. Be with her. Hold her hand. Let’s be happy for her, the best we can.

We did argue a lot...and I always said that she didn’t care or love me as much as I her. However, I always brushed those feelings away because I thought maybe it was just who she was, or the pain she lived through that made it SEEM that way...and I thought it really wasn’t. Sadly babies, I was right though. She really didn’t, and that’s okay....it’s not her fault.

She listens and smiles and talks and tries so hard for this new man. More than she ever did with me. So that’s great guys! You’d be proud to see her. I am. But I won’t lie...it kills me that she’s not doing those things with me.

Your mommy is my everything. I sacrificed and gave up a lot to support her and provide for her everything she would need. I did so gladly. Happily. Your mommy and I grew up together and had a lot of baggage between us. Maybe we were together because that’s all we ever really knew. I get this bad emptiness in my heart...this hopeless desperation. Ending your life only adds more pain to everyone and just gets rid of the chance that it could get better. When you guys...up in Heaven...see me at a low point...come give me a hug okay? Let me know you’re there? I know it’s a lot of responsibility, but I know we can get through this all. For Mommy. Your mommy was my happiness, but now she has to fight for the chance of her own.

I won’t lie to you guys...as much as I want your mommy to be happy as much as I say I’m okay or fine...I’m not. I say I will be, but I won’t. I’ll tell you why....I will always love and care for your mommy, whether it’s reciprocated or not. Maybe she’ll have fun and be happy with this guy but realize he’s just a friend and her heart is with me, but maybe it won’t be. Maybe this other guy will give you siblings. We don’t know...but we can’t make mommy’s decisions for her.

The guy she’s with is a good guy. He will love her. He will respect her. He will fight and give her everything she needs too. Don’t worry about that, okay?

Most importantly, mommy still loves you. The relationship between me and mommy isnt the same as the relationship between her and y’all. She will always love you. She will always miss you. She will always want you. She will always fight for you too. We’ll find sense of this all together as a family, if mommy and I are married or not. We are still your mommy and daddy, and guys...that will never change.

I love you all and would trade everything for my family to be all here together, but you’re in heaven and mommy and I aren’t together, but we’ll carry on. Because that’s what you do when you love. Even if it hurts, you do what’s best for the other person. It’s your mommy’s time to soar. Say a prayer for her, okay? Say one for me too.

I love you.

I will never forget.

I will never give up.

I will never stop caring.

I will never stop fighting.

Together or not, y’all are all my family. Mommy included.

To the big family we dreamed of... Hadley, Sterling, Sarah Kate, Kaylynn, Cole, Hope and McKenzie...those dreams will never be buried and forgotten.

See you around Baby Floyd’s...and be sure to give mommy hugs, wherever her heart takes her.

Thank you for being with me...thank you for helping me get by.

1/9/19

[babyfloydsmommy]

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

12/15/2018

[babyfloydsmommy]

11/11/2018

[babyfloydsmommy]

November 7, 2018

CONFIRMED POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST! ESTIMATED DUE DATE IS JULY 22, 2019 

[babyfloydsmommy]

November 7, 2018

Dear Baby Floyd...

Here’s to a new journey...

[babyfloydsmommy]

October 11, 2018

Had our 3 month follow up today. Despite panicking that it would be canceled due to the weather. I was NOT disappointed. I went in not knowing how I would come out... and I was completely shocked. We’re starting our first round of medication in a few short days. Toooooooo excited. Toooooooooo nervous. Veryyyyyyy ready.

[babyfloydsmommy]

10/09/18

[babyfloydsmommy]

September 24, 2018

Patiently counting down the days until October 11th. I’m overwhelmed with excitement and joy. Although I don't know what this day will bring, I do know that I’ll be one step closer to meeting our baby. I have everything lined up and in place to try and make our first medicated cycle a breeze. Also feeling VERY lucky that I was fortunate enough to find Ovusense fertility monitor. I never thought I would be this close. Many dreams and wishes surrounding the Floyd family right now and we couldn't be happier.

[babyfloydsmommy]

For the first time in a long time, I feel in control of my body.

09/24/18

[babyfloydsmommy]

Dear Baby Floyd,

Today was a complete wreck for me, as you probably know. It would’ve been our fourth year together celebrating Mother’s Day. Oh and how I wish you were here. I’ve longed for you all day, and I’ve longed for your father as well. What he doesn’t know is... I needed to hear those words today. You know. “Happy Mother’s Day”. Just once. But to my surprise it didn’t happen. The day ended and I feel more alone than ever. I don’t think he meant to forget about me, or intentionally tried to hurt me, but he did. I’m a mother too. To you. How I love you my first child. A moment with me on earth, a lifetime spent in my heart. Just missing you a little extra today, tonight, and always. Thank you for making me a mother, I’ll never forget it.

05/14/18

[babyfloydsmommy]

Dear Baby Floyd,

I just stopped by to write about how much I think of you. How perfect your nose would look or how beautiful your hair would be. The thought of holding your little hands in mine, is heartbreaking. You would've been 9 months old today, and not a day goes by that you don't cross our minds. Our hearts ache to touch and feel your presence and to kiss your sweet forehead. We miss you more than anything, but we're strong... For you. So to my dear sweet baby Floyd... We miss you and we'll see you soon.

05/23/16

[babyfloydsmommy]

[babyfloydsmommy]

If I was taken to build a bear on a date and got to make a stuffed animal I’d literally cry tears of happiness

[babyfloydsmommy]

12/11/14

[babyfloydsmommy]

Dear Baby Floyd,

I found out about you today... I love you so much already. I'm in shocked that I have you with me! I haven't told daddy yet! So shhh! It's our secret. I love you so much already. -Mommy

12/11/14

[babyfloydsmommy]

Dear Baby Floyd,

Our story begins here...

12/11/14