babybabybeat

[babybabybeat]

cedarwood and larkspur

I don't talk about my dreams so I can crush them myself to be recycled in and unto itself  a fine powder that may then turn to sand slip to the winds on the back of my hands from my hands go the dirt into dust  into lines I imagine  are creeping  as I pass the time of the earth that I work as I work on my health it erodes like the dreams  I recycled in time for dimes for trinkets  for declarations of love  for stamps and  rewards when push comes to shove but what of the rush and  centripetal pull a push pulls back  and shove falls flat waves break on shores  erode and decode mountains are mined  knots are untied

A few seconds past by but by the time I catch it  a shard of a fragment  sticks in the doorjamb remembering: as temporal jet lag waiting for a flight that you swore would come and a baggage claim when you know there’s no luck but dust finds a way to get in the cracks you will find your way back.

[babybabybeat]

american foosball

I fear I’ve caught a  particularly midwestern strain of depression but I’m protesting big pharma and leaving it untreated if I have no diagnosis  then I stay undefeated 

[babybabybeat]

2

I’m tired of being bored wish I could be more self assured and pick myself up but the bootstraps have decayed I’m bored of being tired but who am I without my desires they come and go like the year my friends all moved away like the way nausea moves in waves

[babybabybeat]

tired bored

I’m bored of being alive But I don’t think I want to die Is this just how  The rest of my days  are gonna feel It’s so hard to heal From a hole  That was made perfectly for me The fit is tight enough To make it feel like home I don’t dream of success  I dream of happiness  but lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping  the voices that once soothed me  Are keeping me awake How can I catch what I’m chasing  If every day I’m bracing for a loss  And looking back at all my flaws  Every interaction gives me pause Step out my front door to no applause Make another drink my brain is fuzz  Have another think and kill my buzz

[babybabybeat]

I guess that’s the things about scars

they don’t disappear

same memories,

different year.

[babybabybeat]

ok

I am ok on the days  I don’t feel anything I am ok on the days  I don’t feel I am ok on the days I feel anything I am ok on the days that I feel I am ok on the days  I don’t do anything I am ok on the days  I don’t do   I am ok on the days  I do anything  I am ok on the days  that I choose I am ok on the days  that I’m not I am ok on the days I forgot 

[babybabybeat]

blood pact

Gonna take your blood pact with me You're all I see Should I keep you here forever or let it fade quickly Look me in the eyes until you need me I'll enjoy the view so discreetly until my bones wear down to dust  You'd never know the bridge I crossed  tiger's eye miasma skies  or a sea wall bleeding rust   stripes behind my eyes  Undulating  Precipitating  Calculating Until you see me You know I'm waiting Some call it callous I disagree  hiding in the end but you're waiting for me  tread lightly shadows moving in the dark so unsightly  but you forget that I feed nightly  come and bite me    Sound of sorrow I don't know her  house of horror full disclosure I'm getting closer hostile takeover No one gets closure

[babybabybeat]

say so neon

I used to have interests  Now I only waste time  Evidence of distance  Hangs in the air What used to be mine I had all the time in the world Now all I feel are the walls closing in  Everyone warned me  But i didn’t listen If the arch of history Bends towards mediocrity  Where does that leave me Magazines from Little Tokyo gathering dust on my shelf Words in another language I never tried to decode 

[babybabybeat]

happiness is?

I’m happy and I’m loved  I am protected from above I count my blessings  No sweat  They’re just not in the post yet I’m pretty  And I’m young I got my heatlh And working lungs

I got ambitions Hopes and dreams I have a vision  And the means My hair is long Intentions pure My will is strong and heart is sure I am sincere And undiluted My success is  Undisputed

[babybabybeat]

busy thinkin bout boys

Stubbed my cigarette out on the shoulder of my balcony Watched the embers float down  Quietly just about 10 stories Now I’m living with someone I love I give him the cold shoulder When he doesn’t use the tone of voice I like Is this what it means To get older? And with the taste of burnt paper Comes a memory of menthols Upstairs at a house party rebuffing the advances of someone who only wanted me  When he was feeling lonely Suddenly I’m 19 and clutching at my shirt In the middle of the night intoxicated by The smell of Chinese cigarettes and him and her  And now he’s having a baby  living in Arizona domestic bliss just around the corner 

[babybabybeat]

Not sorry

Said I was the love of your life I didn’t answer All I knew was that it felt wrong  Cut you out like a cancer 

I’m a little bit sorry I didn’t reply to your texts But you wouldn’t stop sending me paragraphs Of how you knew me best And you could make me happier Than anyone else could The sound of the song in my headphones Matches the key of the sirens going by In my miserable daily routine Coffee shop, pastries, grocery runs 6 months passed just like a dream 

[babybabybeat]

19

I wanted to feel hurt Took in the smell Of smoke on my shirt  A cryptic hand on the shoulder The temperature dropped  And I never felt colder  Popping pulls just to stay awake Ignore the feeling that I would Regret this mistake 

[babybabybeat]

instacart

Cross me off your list Let’s not pretend that This was more than it was  But you keep hanging around  My cyberspace Like a bad buzz Nothing could’ve slowed you down So i kept moving But we’d always cross paths Maybe once every 12 months And you rubbed it in my face Every time You said “maybe now I’m ready” Then you went missing for a year Wrote me a letter from Paris Things I didn’t want to hear 

Yeah you called at a bad time It’s never the right time for you I was having a good day  Until I thought of you

[babybabybeat]

haha

I don’t wanna feel this way I don’t wanna stay the same If only I could run away  Find a change of pace

And if I die Will i be born again  In another life Or is it all pretend 

If I die Will everything replay Before my eyes  Or will my vision Slowly fade away I don’t wanna go I’m just being self indulgent  I am never letting go These visions are my burden

Everything’s a blur  Afraid of losing who I am But i do that on the regular When it hits 4am

[babybabybeat]

2015

And no I’m never letting go All my grudges make me whole And while hatred is my home Maybe I’ll leave it when I’m grown

If i could call you Do you think about me still Ask what’s above you But I refuse to climb that hill I’m not better than you You’re certainly no better than me All you did was cut me out Relinquish me to 2-D   Keep your pink and blue Waffle sole shoes I’m not a vans girl anymore I did it all for you

[babybabybeat]

my boyfriend put my favorite cup in the dishwashing machine instead of handwashing it in the sink The bottom of it says explicitly handwash only 

3 years of washing carefully now my dreams are down the drain

he said he’d buy me a new one  But it’s not the same 

[babybabybeat]

you didn’t love me you only loved telling someone what to do you didn’t want me you only wanted me to be like you