b4evaa

[b4evaa]

[b4evaa]

Having ADHD is so fun because sometimes youre looking for something that you use regularly and definitely put away in a smart and reasonable place and you have absolutely 0 hope of remembering where and finding it. And then other times ur like "hmm I need a some kind of small pointed object. I feel like i remember seeing a paperclip under the left couch cushion a month ago, i wonder if its still there" and it is

[b4evaa]

“It's impossible for you and me to have a balanced mind in this society without going into the past, because in this particular society, as we function and fit into it right now, we're such an underdog, we're trampled upon, we're looked upon as almost nothing. Now if we don't go into the past and find out how we got this way, we will think that we were always this way. And if you think that you were always in the condition that you're in right now, it's impossible for you to have too much confidence in yourself, you become worthless, almost nothing.”

Malcolm X

[b4evaa]

we are soo slept on 😔

[b4evaa]

rather be hated for being a good person, than be liked for being a nice person.

[b4evaa]

still ugly, still ugly.

Ugly!

they said when pointing my direction,

younger me may not have understood

what ugly is

but i knew it meant unacceptable

i knew it meant rejection

i knew it meant i should shut up

i eventually knew what it meant

the word ugly was used to describe me

but all it did was dehumanise me

i became a creature

not only was i ugly,

my persona tasted unfamiliar

it tasted strange

i was no stranger to me

i did not see a fault in my authenticity

until i heard the words

“unusual, but not in a good way”

used to describe me

awkwardness was acceptable

in only the ones favoured by the

privileged afforded to them

by their genetic makeup

their beauty bought them the world

while rejection sold my world

when the coin was tossed,

i experienced the opposite side of the coin

i was now the ugly girl

clothed by beauty

i was acceptable as ideal

not as who i am

i apologize,

for i am not your idealisation

but i am still the awkward girl

now dressed in a costume

a costume made with

pretty privilege and white beauty standards

i am still ugly,

still an unfamiliar taste,

still unpalatable,

just dressed in a suit.

sorry if i don’t accept your compliment,

or if i’m too loud

i’m still ugly inside,

just a little prettier outside.

(((b4evaaa)))

[b4evaa]

I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind. Of the dark shadows buried deep within the garden of your thoughts. The roses have thorns. The ivy intwined with brambles, the trees hold wasps. 

That itch in my teeth. The yearning, aching need for someone, something to bleed. The protests and pleading for peace. The wrath I keep chained down deep. The ocean of emotion and tempest of my temper. Quick as lightning and as easy to change as wind. Flames of frustration, encompassing the fields like a gas fire.

I know what it’s like to fear the mind, wage war with yourself. I know. I see it in your eyes.

[b4evaa]

it feels pointless existing if your existence feels pointless.

[b4evaa]

scorpio.

upon my entrance on this physical realm,

the constellation of the stinger,

was facing the sun that gives me vitality,

my ego is one of an intense being,

it's dark, it's deadly, it's intense,

it can kill

but also give birth to the most beautiful things,

it will kill you weak,

and make you rise stronger, transformed, renewed,

it gives and it takes,

my ego's intensity is

overpowering like a waterfall,

when it hits hard surfaces,

it can break them

it intimidates and triggers those

who are afraid of dancing in their shadows,

it isn't shallow, it is deep and hollow

it swallows you into its depths,

my ego isn't a knight it shining armor,

it is the womb,

keeps in you in the dark,

until you're ready to be birthed,

my ego is power.

(((B4eva)))

[b4evaa]

deaths playgroud p1.

my life has become a playground for death

i'm the field worker, watching death play

a trailer of its journey to me

loosing my vitality

questioning my validity

im holding on by a thread.

im watching from a distance my days shorten,

and my life

become death's playground.

(((B4eva)))

[b4evaa]

a world without the healers

we cry often

about how dark the world is but we don't know what a dark world is.

a dark world is a world without the healers, what's a world without the shamans,

the lightworkers of the dark,

what's a world, without the people

we can't cast our stones on,

a world without the entertainers,

whom we can use to conceal our own reality full of dents,

what's a world without the shamans,

whom are judged loudly by us "the righteous" for dropping

their ego's to facilitate the emergence of different spirits,

but we run to when we are deserts, and we desperately need rain?

what's the world without healers,

we judge them for dancing with the shadows, to illuminate our so called light.

what's the world without the healers?

(((B4eva)))

[b4evaa]

the shallow creative

the fear of being a shallow creative

to speak and be perceived as a pseudo intellect

just because of my non complex dialect

i speak but i fear to be incorrect

i fear my passion may come across as disrespect

i fear what i may find after i introspect

i fear that my pride is the only thing i have managed to protect

i fear that one day i’ll loose creative control and will never reconnect

i fear i may care about what niggahs say on the internet

i hate that i carry fear in my soul, maybe it will go if i die and resurrect

(((b4evaa)))