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azzishands · 8 hours ago

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My brother's girlfriend - Chapter ten

Paige x Azzi

WC: 7.6k

Warnings: mature content (18+), angst

A/N: Take a deep breath, try to enjoy the ride and have faith in me🫣

Masterlist

---

“Paige!” Azzi moaned loudly as she came for the second time that morning.

Paige slowly slid out her fingers from Azzi and licked them clean, her eyes sparkling from being with the woman she adored.

“Fuck, you’re good at that,” Azzi panted and stretched her naked body on the hotel bed.

“I know,” Paige smirked and leaned down to kiss her lips. “So are you.”

“I know,” Azzi wiggled her eyebrows playfully at her.

Paige chuckled and laid down next to Azzi.

“Thank you for dinner last night, and for this lovely surprise,” Azzi said and gave her a sweet kiss on the cheek.

“Of course, you’re my girl,” Paige smiled at her.

Azzi buried her face in the crook of Paige’s neck, wanting to hide the fact that her face was turning bright pink. Hearing Paige call her her girl made Azzi all giddy and flustered like she was some teenage girl talking to her crush.

Last night at dinner, they had spent half of the time fantasizing what life would be like now that Azzi would have her own apartment. The amount of movie nights they would have, all the dinners they would cook together and be naked everywhere in the apartment without being afraid anyone would catch them. Which led them to the second subject of the dinner.

Josh.

Maybe everything had felt easier with some wine and good food in their system, but after some back and forth, they had decided that Paige was gonna take him out for dinner, get him some alcohol so he would be a bit relaxed, and then break the news to him. That way, he couldn’t make a scene since they were in a public place, but he would be free to say whatever he wanted to Paige at the same time. That was their reasoning, at least.

And if he asked any questions about when they started seeing each other, Paige would just say that there was no exact date and that it was something that had unconsciously and slowly grown during Azzi’s stay at their apartment, but hadn’t really been anything to be taken seriously until after they had broken up.

It wasn’t a lie per se, it was just careful wording about what actually had happened.

He couldn’t possibly want any details about their relationship anyway, right?

The same way Paige didn’t want to know too much about Azzi and Josh’s past relationship.

But if he did ask, Paige would have to tell the truth. Auntie Liv’s words were constantly in the back of her mind. She had just hoped she could come clean to him after about twenty years or so, once the statute of limitations on their crime had expired.

Paige and Azzi left the hotel after a good night's sleep, without much sleep, and a slow and peaceful morning, which probably wasn’t very peaceful to their neighbours. Azzi dropped Paige off at Velvet and then drove off to the cafe.

Azzi felt like she was on cloud nine the whole day. She had finally gotten her own place, she had spent the night with her love and they had a plan on how to tell Josh. Everything was finally starting to fall into place.

Paige had felt pretty much the same during her shift at Velvet too. Their chaotic start was finally starting to have some clarity and order.

Since her shift ended not too late at night, Paige decided to walk home since her own car was still at the apartment. She didn’t live too close, but it felt pretty nice to just walk in the evening, having a little bit of the golden light of late summer.

She hadn’t been walking fast, but when she arrived at the apartment, she felt how sweaty her shirt had become.

“Where have you been?”

Paige looked up at Josh who sat in the kitchen as she closed the door behind her. She grabbed a glass of water and sat down across from him, trying to catch her breath a little.

“I walked home from the bar,” she explained.

Paige suddenly noticed the restless gaze on Josh’s face, and for a split second she got worried that something had happened to him, or Auntie Liv or Mike.

“What’s going on?” Paige asked.

“I don’t know, why don't you tell me?” Josh said sternly, his whole body seemed to be tense. “You spent the night somewhere else.”

Paige was taken aback. How did this conversation suddenly become about her?

“I drank a lot at dinner, I slept at Alexine’s,” she shrugged and tried to play it cool. The lie was already rehearsed.

“I see,” he drawled. “Hey a funny thing though, I called Alexine last night, asking if you were with her.”

Fuck.

“Josh-”

“-And guess what? You weren’t there.”

“Josh, let me explain,” Paige pleaded. There was no turning back now.

“And here’s another funny thing. I saw you get in a car that belongs to my ex last night.”

That shut Paige up.

He knew.

“Josh, I’m- I don’t, I- I’m so sorry,” Paige said under her breath, feeling too ashamed to say it out loud. Her eyes flicked between Josh’s wide open ones, and she saw the anger in them.

“You lied to me,” he seethed.

There was no yelling, there were no harsh words, there were just truths thrown in Paige’s face like a hard slap. She would’ve almost preferred him yelling, because then she could yell right back. But this? This painfully calm yet firm way of just calling her out? She couldn’t hide behind anything other than the truth here.

“I swear, I didn’t mean for you to find out like this,” she said. Her heart was pounding fast and she swallowed the panic that was bubbling up inside of her.

“Find out what exactly? Tell me, Paige, tell me exactly what’s there for me to find out,” his chest was heaving from the heavy breaths he was taking as an attempt to not just combust from anger.

Paige buried her head in her hands. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

“Tell me, Paige,” he repeated, his patience wearing thinner with each second Paige stayed silent.

“I- I-” Paige was a stammering mess. She couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

“Just fucking say it!” he yelled out at her.

“I’m seeing Azzi.”

Loud, clear, unmistakable.

There were a thousand thoughts racing through Josh’s head. But there was one question louder in his head than others. How could Paige do this to him?

“I can’t believe you,” he whispered out in disbelief over the whole situation. “You’re supposed to be my sister.”

“I am,” Paige croaked out desperately. “I am, Josh. Believe me, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“And yet you took the time and effort into lying to my face about it,” he huffed out.

Paige looked down at the table in shame.

“How long?”

No. Not that question.

Josh sensed her hesitation.

“How long, Paige?” he repeated, more firmly.

Paige had two options.

Either tell him how long they’ve been seeing each other. Or tell him how long they’ve been fucking each other.

“Wait…” Josh exhaled slowly. “When did this start?”

“What do you mean?” Paige knew it was stupid. She knew that he knew that she wasn’t dumb.

“When did this thing between you and Azzi start?” Josh snarled.

Paige felt the tears crowding her eyesight now. There was really no other way around it anymore. Josh was completely in control of the conversation, and she had no choice but to hand him the answers that he already was getting closer to by himself.

Her silence was making Josh uneasy. Why couldn’t she just tell him?

“Paige!?” he yelled out, having waited long enough for her to say something.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled into her hands. “I’m sorry, Josh.”

“Tell me what you’re sorry for,” he demanded breathlessly.

Paige swallowed. It was now or never.

“I’m sorry for going behind your back while you were with her,” she said quietly.

“No,” he shook his head with wild eyes. “Tell me exactly what happened, and when.”

“Josh-”

“-Just do it Paige!”

She knew she owed him the truth. But telling him exactly what the truth meant felt horrifying.

“We kissed when you were in Europe,” Paige blurted out at Josh's impatience.

Josh scoffed in disbelief. “Both of you can go to hell.”

Paige couldn’t take it. She had to tell him the whole truth or it would come back later and bite her in the ass even more.

“We fucked the day before you came back,” she told him, finally looking him straight in the eyes. “And once more when you were at work.”

Josh stared at her calmly. Like she hadn’t just told him she had been fucking his girlfriend behind his back, like she hadn’t just revealed that Azzi had been cheating on him with her.

“Who the fuck are you?” he breathed out in revulsion and looked at her with disgust. “What the fuck are you doing, Paige?”

“I’m sorry,” she felt the tears starting to roll down her cheeks. “I can’t even begin to explain how much I hate myself for it.”

“Not enough to stop, apparently,” he snapped.

“I didn’t mean to,” Paige pleaded. “I swear. I didn’t plan on it. You gotta believe me when I say that none of us wanted to hurt you, it was a stupid mistake that we wish we could take back, because we-”

“-Oh shut the fuck up, Paige!” he suddenly rose from his chair and yelled out in enragement. “You’ve been lying to me for months, and you think it’s okay just because you didn’t mean to?”

“No, that’s not-”

“-Get the fuck out. I don’t ever wanna see you again,” he spat.

“No, please, Josh, let’s just talk about this,” Paige begged him.

“There’s nothing to talk about!” he exclaimed angrily. “I don’t want to live with someone who doesn’t understand what it means to be a sister. I would never do that to you, never! Do you know how fucking blindsided I was when I saw you get in her car? I thought you would never hurt me, Paige. It wasn’t even in my reality that you could do this to me.”

Tears were falling freely down Paige’s cheeks.

“You were the person I trusted the most in the world,” Josh’s voice broke. “You’re my big sister.”

Paige broke inside from his words.

“You can trust me,” Paige was desperate. “I made a mistake. Please, Josh, I’m still your big sister and I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“You already have,” he said, and a tear fell down his cheek.

“Please,” Paige begged him. “Tell me what I can do to fix this.”

“You can’t,” he exhaled.

Paige felt like her heart physically hurt, and she wanted to clutch her chest in pain from hearing her baby brother say those things to her.

“I don't want you here.”

“Please, there’s gotta be something I can do,” Paige cried out.

“I can’t trust you, Paige,” Josh stated.

“Then tell me what I gotta do to make you trust me again,” she once again pleaded.

And without hesitation, Josh said:

“Never see Azzi ever again.”

Never see Azzi ever again?

It echoed in her ears in a neverending loop.

Never see Azzi. Ever. Again.

Azzi. Never. Again.

Ever.

“Josh,” she looked at him with imploring eyes. “I- She- I can’t-”

His gaze on her was unwavering. She knew that she had one chance to make this work, and it was now or never.

“I love her.”

One last try.

One last cry for undeserved sympathy.

Josh let out a mocking breath of air.

“Get the fuck out.”

“No, Josh, I-”

Paige took a deep breath.

“I’ll never see Azzi ever again,” she let out quietly in defeat. “If that’s what it takes for you to trust me again.”

“It is,” he said sternly, with no trace of sympathy in his voice at all.

Paige felt her heart slowly but surely start to work against her. Its beat against her chest wasn’t supposed to feel like this - like she was dying. Like it didn’t pump enough air into her lungs. But it was as if Josh had demanded Paige to live without the very thing that makes her breathe.

Everything inside of her felt like it was collapsing one at a time.

It was as if her brain shut it all down for her so she wouldn’t have to experience the rest of this conversation.

But it was too late. The worst thing that could've happened had already happened.

“Can I at least end it with her in person?” Paige pleaded. “And then I’ll never reach out to her again, I swear,” she quickly added.

“You can text her,” Josh replied dryly.

Paige her throat tightening.

“She will come to the bar and ask me for an explanation if I do it over text,” Paige swallowed the sobs that were fighting to get out. “If you want me to end it for real, you have to let me do it for real.”

Josh pursed his lips together in annoyance. “Fine.”

At least she would get to have a real goodbye.

This time, there was nothing that could save them.

----

Paige was standing outside Azzi’s new apartment.

It would be the first and last time she would ever set a foot in the place.

It had taken an immense amount of radical acceptance, delusional positivity and about four shots of tequila to be standing outside Azzi’s door without completely breaking down.

Part of her wanted their last conversation to be beautiful. The other part of her just wanted it to be horrible.

She wanted Azzi to scream at her, kick her out, tell her how much she hated her. It would make everything so much easier to walk away from. It would even feel good to be yelled at by Azzi, because then maybe Azzi would be able to let Paige go as well, and find her own luck with someone else.

Paige was three knocks away from completing her heartbreak.

Three knocks away from seeing the woman she loved.

Fine. If she was never gonna see Azzi again, let her at least see Azzi as soon as possible then.

Ske knocked.

“Hey you,” Azzi opened the door with a big smile, but it quickly faltered when she saw the state Paige was in. “Have you been drinking?”

Paige wasn’t drunk. She was barely tipsy. But Azzi felt the smell of home, and it smelled like alcohol.

“I need to talk to you,” Paige said.

Azzi opened the door wider and stepped aside, letting her in. She had been looking forward to this very moment - to give Paige the tour of her new apartment. But she hadn’t quite pictured it like this. The atmosphere Paige had brought with her was not the kind that invited the opportunity to give an apartment tour.

“What’s going on?” Azzi asked concerned. She sat down at her couch in the living room and motioned for Paige to sit next to her.

“Josh knows,” Paige said and looked at Azzi’s eyes, hoping that she would understand so she wouldn’t have to say what was about to be said.

Azzi’s eyes widened with pure shock. “He does?”

“Yeah. He saw me get in your car to the restaurant,” Paige told her.

“And what did he say?” Azzi asked.

Paige buried her head in her hands.

“That bad huh?” Azzi mumbled and let her hand rub Paige’s back.

“I can’t do this,” Paige rasped out in desperation. “I feel like I’m choking on every breath I take. I feel like my own heart is trying to kill me, and my brain just trying to torture me.”

Azzi scooted herself closer to the older one and leaned down with her head, trying to see Paige’s face behind her hands.

“Look at me,” Azzi said comfortingly, even though she had a gut feeling where this was headed. But she felt like she had to be strong for the both of them, seeing how Paige was already starting to fall apart, and she hadn’t even been there for more than five minutes.

Paige’s hands were trembling, her bottom lip as well, as she slowly revealed her wrecked face to Azzi.

“Do what you gotta do, Paige,” Azzi whispered out with a broken voice.

Paige shook her head.

This wasn’t fair.

“I don’t want to,” Paige whimpered.

“I know,” Azzi said softly, and swallowed the lump in her throat.

“I can’t,” Paige croaked out in despair and looked at Azzi with shimmering blue eyes. “I can’t say it.”

“But I need to hear it, Paige,” Azzi said. “You have to. For me.”

Paige’s eyes flicked desperately between Azzi’s, as if she was searching for an escape. But there was none. Just soft brown eyes that looked impossibly patient and kind, even in their last moment together.

It killed her.

Why was Azzi comforting her, when she was about to break up with her?

“I can’t see you again. Ever.”

Azzi took a deep inhale as her eyes slowly closed.

She had been prepared for it, yet it was a whole ‘nother thing to actually hear it be said out loud.

Maybe nothing could prepare you for the feeling of getting your heart ripped out by the person that put it in there in the first place.

“He said that?” Azzi breathed out, eyes still shut.

“It was either him or you,” Paige said, barely over a breath.

Azzi swallowed hard and opened her eyes.

Paige’s cheeks were wet now.

They had said they would figure it out. But what was there to figure out? Josh had given Paige an ultimatum. Azzi would never make her choose her over her brother.

“And it has to be forever?” Azzi asked desperately, clutching at any shred of hope she could find.

Paige nodded somberly.

She took Azzi’s hands in her own trembling ones, just like that time she ended things in the hotel room, and looked her deeply in her eyes.

“Azzi, there’s so much I want to say to you,” Paige said with a trembling voice. “This wasn’t supposed to be our ending.”

Azzi felt the lump in her throat fight its way out of her, feeling like she could throw up. Instead, she broke into tears and a broken sob escaped her lips.

“You were supposed to be my forever,” Paige whimpered now. “Because you were already my everything. And I wanted to share everything life had to offer together with you. All the happy moments, all the bad moments. Just everything but this moment.”

Azzi’s eyes were overflowing with tears, and her breath was erratic. All she could do was sob while listening to Paige.

“I wish I had the rest of my life to show you, and tell you, how much you mean to me. Show you how amazing I think you are. But since I’m not gonna be able to, you just have to promise me to remember it. Don’t you ever forget how incredible you are, Azzi.”

Azzi couldn’t answer. She just buried her face in the crook of Paige’s neck and let her tears stain her shirt. Her whole body was shaking from crying, and Paige was on the verge as well.

But not yet. She had more to say.

“You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met, Azzi. You’re so fearless, so strong, so resilient and so kind. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. Inside and out. And I’m so grateful I got to share this time with you, even if it was too short. Really, there’s no one like you.”

“There’s no one like you, Paige,” Azzi choked on her sobs. She wanted to say more, but her sobs didn’t let her.

“I love you, Azzi.”

Paige realized how wrong she had lived her life. Not because of the homewrecking, but because of the way her first time saying those words to Azzi shouldn’t have been her last time as well.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

It wasn’t enough.

The word love wasn’t enough. There had to be something better. Something more representative of what was inside her for Azzi.

But there wasn’t.

“I love you more,” Azzi breathed out and grabbed Paige’s head and crashed her lips against hers.

Paige’s lips tasted salt from her tears, and Azzi’s like the salt of the earth.

This goodbye kiss was different from their last one. It felt like a desperate attempt to be something it wasn’t. Like it was pretending to be everything but final.

And so it kept going.

Their lips kept looking for each other, beginning a cycle of yearning and sighing in relief when they met and then back to yearning when they separated and then meeting again.

And their hands acted the same. They roamed each other’s skin and pretended they weren’t memorizing every inch, because if they would settle in one place for too long, maybe reality would take it all away.

Paige pulled Azzi up from the couch in a rush and started to undress her urgently while Azzi was guiding them to the bedroom. Everything happened in haste, and Paige almost fell in the process, never letting her lips leave Azzi’s longer than necessary while undressing and walking at the same time. Their clothes flew on the floor, one by one, leaving clues where they were going and what was about to happen.

Azzi felt breathless as her back hit the mattress, but she didn’t want to stop to breathe. She didn’t need air, she just needed Paige.

“I want you close to me,” Azzi mumbled breathlessly as Paige was about to travel down with her lips.

Paige nodded and kissed her lips again, letting her hands glide further down instead. She was hovering over Azzi with her legs on each side of her body with Azzi’s hands on her breasts, on her shoulder blades, on her stomach, on her sides.

Azzi moaned loudly when Paige’s hand finally found her wet core. Like she had never been touched there before.

And she hadn’t. Not like this. Not with the knowledge that it was the last time.

Azzi moved her hand down Paige’s abs, caressing her hipbone gently before letting her fingers stroke through Paige’s wet folds as well and started to match the circles Paige was doing on her own clit, on Paige’s.

Paige gasped into Azzi’s mouth. She rested her forehead on Azzi’s and they breathed hot air into each other’s open mouths, whimpering like they had been starving to be touched.

Azzi’s moans triggered Paige’s, and Paige’s moans made Azzi’s body tingle everywhere. They just needed to hear each other to feel themselves getting closer. Just needed to look into each other’s eyes to see what the other one was feeling.

“Paige,” Azzi moaned as it started to build in her lower stomach, her core tightening.

“I’m gonna come too,” Paige breathed out with a low groan following.

They weren’t fucking. They were letting each other, themselves, need the other one so badly one last time. It was honoring their time together. It was about creating, expressing and cherishing.

Azzi came with a hoarse cry of Paige’s name, and Paige came from hearing it. She relaxed her body onto Azzi’s and buried her head in the crook of her neck.

The tears were already falling from her eyes into Azzi’s hair, down her shoulder and onto her sheets.

“I love you so much,” she quietly sobbed, and Azzi held her tightly.

“I love you more,” Azzi said under her breath, soon joining Paige in her quiet sobs.

----

The road ahead of her seemed neverending. Never before had the scenery outside the city felt this awfully dull.

Maybe it was because summer was almost nothing but a memory by now. Or maybe it was because last time she had driven this road, a certain brunette had been by her side.

Not even Allan’s happy sprint towards her as she exited the car made her feel better. His gentle licks on her hand and wagging tail only made her more aware of how hollow everything felt.

Mike didn’t even get to say hello before Paige collapsed into his arms, not being able to hold her tears any longer. She had fought them every second on the road, and she had only done it to not cause a car accident.

Liv approached them as she had heard Allan’s happy barking. She saw her heartbroken niece in her husband’s arms and hurriedly walked over.

No words were needed. Paige had already told them over the phone before she came. Liv and Mike understood quite quickly that there were no words that could be said to Paige to make it feel better.

It was deeply unsettling to see their niece like this. It was a haunting déjà vu of the last time she’d lost people she loved.

Paige’s tears came to an end eventually.

They walked inside and sat down at the kitchen table. Liv gave her a glass of water to rehydrate, and Mike heated some leftovers from their dinner for her.

Paige’s eyes looked lifeless. Like she wasn’t really there. But her hand kept stroking Allan’s soft head, and that comforted her aunt, even if it was done mindlessly.

“You wanna talk about it?” Auntie Liv eventually asked as Paige had drunk her water slowly.

Paige poked her food with her fork, staring at the plate in silence, wondering if she even could speak or if she would just break down again.

“This is all my fault,” Paige said quietly after a while.

Mike and Liv just listened and let her take her time to speak.

“If I would’ve just done things right from the start… Instead, I hurt everyone around me.”

“Paige,” Auntie Liv’s heart ached from hearing her words. “Listen to me.”

Her niece slowly looked up at her, and for the first time, her eyes looked a little bit alive by desperation. Like she was hoping Auntie Liv’s words were gonna save her from the pain.

Auntie Liv had decided to be kind the moment she had heard Paige’s broken voice on the phone. She had the rest of her life to lecture Paige about her bad decisions, but now was not the time. Today, Paige just needed to know she was still loved.

“I don’t think anyone is more hurt by your actions than you right now,” Liv said, saying each word carefully so that Paige wouldn’t miss a single thing. “Ever since you were two years old, and your mom and dad showed you your little brother for the first time, you’ve taken your role as a big sister more seriously than anyone I’ve ever known. Especially after the car accident. Your parents trusted you wholeheartedly with your brother, and I share that same trust with them. Even after this, there’s no one else I would trust to take care of Josh better than you. You’ve never wavered, Paige. Don’t be too hard on yourself for following your heart over your mind for once.”

Paige swallowed at her words. They sounded good, they did - but they didn’t feel good. Instead, she just felt more like a fraud. If that’s what she had made them believe, she had only managed to deceive them. Because she was in fact not a good sister to her brother, and she did not deserve this kind of grace.

“Auntie Liv…” Paige sighed. “Josh didn’t even want me there. He said he couldn’t trust me anymore. And the way he looked at me- God, I felt so fucking dirty. It was as if he was looking at a person he didn’t even recognize.”

“I’m gonna talk to him,” Auntie Liv said softly.

“You don’t have to defend me. I know what I did was wrong. I just don’t know what to do with all the guilt and sadness. I feel bad about Josh, then I feel sad about Azzi, then I feel bad that I feel sad over Azzi for Josh’s sake,” Paige told them.

“There’s not much you can do but to feel it all,” Liv said. “You can’t run away from it. You can’t rush it.”

Paige took a deep breath and took a small piece of the food onto her fork and into her mouth. She chewed slowly and thought about what her aunt was saying to her.

“Can I ask you for a favor?” she asked after a while.

“Of course,” Liv nodded.

“Could you maybe… Could you call Azzi and ask her how she’s doing?” Paige asked of her, hesitantly.

Liv looked at her for a few seconds before she replied.

“You really want me to do the one thing your brother asked you not to do?” she asked. Not to be judgemental, but to make sure Paige didn’t do something she would regret.

“No, no. You don’t have to tell me what she says,” Paige quickly explained. “I just need to know that someone has checked in on her. That’s all. I’m not trying to talk to her through you, I’m just…”

Mike finished the sentence for her.

“You just want to be there for her without being able to be there for her.”

Paige nodded.

“Please,” she said quietly and looked at her aunt.

“Alright,” Liv nodded at last.

----

The last weeks had gone by in slow motion.

When it feels like nothing matters, time seems to stand still.

Pour another cup of coffee, smile meaninglessly to stranger after stranger and go to bed and wake up to do the same thing over and over again.

Azzi didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t know her life could feel so lifeless like this.

When her mom left, she had to survive to keep her dad alive. She always looked forward, never looked back. She studied harder, worked more, distracted her grief by always staying busy and taking care of her dad.

Her dad may have been something to always hold her back, but he had also given her a reason at the time to keep going.

But now she had none.

She only had herself to take care of, and the thought didn’t really motivate her.

Taking care of herself nowadays looked like the following: think about Paige and cry about it. And to be honest, no one but Azzi would probably consider it selfcare to think about the very thing that also made her cry.

It had been five weeks since their breakup.

And Azzi felt pathetic. She wanted to be patient with herself, but there was no progress to be proud of and so she felt like patience didn’t really matter. She felt the same today as she did the day after the breakup - horribly empty.

Everyone at work noticed it too.

“Azzi,” Jana tried to get her attention as she had been staring out into the open air for the last five minutes. “Are you okay? You seem a bit distraught.”

“Huh?” Azzi tore her eyes away from the floor and looked at her colleague.

“I asked if you’re okay,” Jana lightly chuckled.

“Oh,” Azzi deadpanned. “Yeah, just fine.”

Jana narrowed her eyes at her friend. “No really, you’ve been spaced out for the last couple of weeks,” she said. “Has something happened? Is it that bartender?”

Azzi almost flinched when Jana mentioned her.

“We broke up,” Azzi said uptight.

Jana’s eyes softened and she approached her friend slowly.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly and offered a hand on Azzi’s arm, rubbing up and down.

“It’s okay, we… Well, things weren’t really in our favor from the start, so I don’t know why I just closed my eyes and decided to be naive there for a second,” Azzi swallowed hard. She felt the lump in her throat and the tears threatening to escape.

“You weren’t naive,” Jana stated. “You were in love.”

Azzi closed her eyes for a second and exhaled at her words.

“In love with the one person who wasn’t allowed to love me back,” Azzi almost laughed. It was absurd.

“What do you mean?” Jana asked with her eyebrows knitted together.

She hadn’t been planning on sharing the fact that she had cheated. She hadn’t planned to talk about it at all. Only Caroline knew everything, and that had always felt enough. But now, looking at Jana who seemed to be so willing to listen, she felt the words just spill out of her.

And she told her everything.

She told her their whole story from beginning to the end, to the point where they sat outside the cafe after closing hours on a bench and just talked for hours. Both of them were kinda cold, but none of them cared.

“You have to talk to Josh,” Jana said at last. “He’s being kind of unreasonable.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Azzi bit the inside of her cheek.

“You have to fight for Paige,” Jana insisted with passion in her voice. Azzi was almost taken aback by how affected she seemed to be by her and Paige’s situation, and how little sympathy she had for Josh.

“I can’t come between them,” Azzi protested. “Paige needs Josh, and Josh needs Paige.”

“Well yes, but Paige also needs you. And you need Paige,” Jana argued. “Two things can be true.”

“It’s not fair to pull Paige away from her brother,” Azzi pursed her lips together. “I want to respect her decision.”

Jana hummed in defeat and nodded slowly. Azzi was reasonable. But it didn’t silence the loud voice inside Jana’s head that screamed ‘injustice’ about the whole situation.

“You’re so reasonable even if you’re heartbroken,” Jana said at last with a sympathetic frown. “It’s just unfair that two people who love each other can't be together because someone else says so.”

“I know,” Azzi sighed. “But I’m used to unfair. I’m just not used to missing someone this much.”

Jana took a deep breath and looked around them, trying to think of ways to make things better for Azzi.

“Tell me if there’s anything I can do for you,” she offered.

“Thank you, Jana,” Azzi smiled sincerely, the first real one in a long time.

The two friends ended up going to a restaurant together, indulging in delicious comfort food, as Jana had put it. They drank wine and laughed about all their problems until the evening almost turned into night.

But the second Azzi walked inside her dark apartment, she sobered up, and her problems didn’t feel like something to laugh about anymore.

Paige had only been there once, but Azzi still felt her presence haunting the entire space.

Azzi knew it was probably disgusting, but she had balled up the sheets she had when Paige had been there into the corner of her room, and she always picked it up to inhale the scent of her every night.

It didn’t even smell like her anymore. But if she closed her eyes hard enough and breathed in slowly, she could imagine how it used to smell. And it was scary how much memories come alive with just the scent, even if it’s an imagined one.

Her skin always got goosebumps when it felt like Paige’s scent was there. Her body had always reacted to Paige, no matter if it was by her touch or just by the thought of her.

And during the nights, she couldn’t stop dreaming about her.

It always felt so vivid. And every time she woke up, it always felt like she woke up in hell. She was a prisoner to her consciousness, a plaything to her sobriety.

Every moment together was replaying in her mind. She was trying to figure out when things had changed. Because if she had just broken up with Josh the second she understood her feelings for Paige, none of this would’ve happened.

But the moment always differed. First, she thought it must’ve been when they kissed. But then she thought it was when she had given her that broccoli as an apology. And then she just concluded that everything in hindsight was moments with feelings because she couldn’t separate the facts of the past with her present feelings for the blonde.

She was just trying to figure out every single mistake of hers. Because maybe if she figured out the root problem, then maybe she could solve it?

Intellectually, she knew that it didn’t matter. But ruminating seemed like the closest Azzi could come to Paige, and it gave her a sense of control of the uncontrollable at least for a few seconds, before she would inevitably be consumed by hopelessness all over again.

Azzi woke up with a pounding head.

The wine had done its thing, even though she didn’t even drink that much.

She looked over at her nightstand and looked at the alarm clock.

11:32.

She quietly thanked the universe for not having a shift this day, while simultaneously cursing the universe for taking away the woman she loved from her.

Yes, everything was about Paige. All the time.

She stretched her body and yawned loudly. It was in the middle of the day, but it felt way too early to start it at all.

Suddenly, her phone rang.

She reached with her hand to the nightstand and blindly searched for her phone.

“Hello?” Azzi croaked out with her morning voice to the unknown number.

“Azzi?”

That voice. Could it really be?

“Auntie Liv?” Azzi suddenly felt a lot more awake than just a second ago. She slowly sat up in the bed with a pounding heartbeat.

“Hi honey, how are you?”

Azzi blinked once, twice, thrice, before she knew what to say.

“Uh, I’m just fine, how are you?”

Auntie Liv let out a quiet chuckle, probably hearing the surprise in Azzi’s voice.

“I just wanted to call you and hear how you are,” Liv said softly. “And I know that maybe I’m not the one you wanna talk to, but I just wanted to say that I’m all ears if you’d ever want to talk to someone. About anything.”

Azzi’s throat tightened.

It was years ago since someone that wasn’t her friend had asked her that. Someone who was an adult. A real one.

She had almost forgotten what it had felt like.

To say she was touched was an understatement. The fact that Paige’s aunt had called her, after everything, moved something deep between her ribs. She didn’t even wonder if Paige had anything to do with it, because it didn’t matter. Paige being behind it or not - it still had the same effect.

“Thank you,” she rasped, barely holding it together. A tear moving its way down her cheek.

“Mike was actually talking about you the other day. Said something about missing his fishing buddy,” Auntie Liv told her.

Azzi laughed softly, releasing even more tears from her eyes. Liv could hear the slight sniffle through the phone.

“I wish I could come fish soon,” Azzi said quietly, knowing that it wasn’t a given that she was welcome there anymore.

“You know where we live,” Liv said.

Azzi hesitated. “I don’t know if I do. I slept all the way there and back,” she admitted with an apologetic exhale.

“I’ll send you the address,” Liv just said, and Azzi felt the tears brimming again.

“Are you sure?” Azzi blurted out. “I mean… I’m not- Paige and I- Yeah…”

Auntie Liv took a second before she said something.

“I know,” Liv said. “She told me everything.”

“Oh,” Azzi let out, slightly shaken with the fact that Auntie Liv knew that they had gone behind her nephew's back, and she still decided to call her.

“Who did you think gave me your number?” Auntie Liv chuckled sweetly.

Azzi hadn’t even thought about it.

“I don’t think Josh would be too happy about this,” Azzi said slowly.

“Probably not, but I’ve made no promises to Josh to stay away from you,” Auntie Liv just said so carelessly. “And I’m not gonna tell him or Paige about this either. What you and I talk about is between us.”

Azzi let out a low chuckle. “Auntie Liv,” she said. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I think I’m done with secrets.”

Auntie Liv let out a small laugh, but before she could say anything, Azzi spoke up again.

“Besides, I don’t want to get Paige into any more trouble.”

“You and Paige are funny,” Liv snickered. “The way both of you just wanna make sure the other one is okay, even from a distance, even if you’re not the ones who get to be there. You’re adorable.”

Azzi let out a breath with a relaxed smile. It was as if her whole body just let go of all worries and sunk down comfortably on the bed.

“Well… Is she? Okay, I mean?” Azzi asked.

Liv sighed. “She’s… getting there.”

“How are things between her and Josh?”

“They’re better. Josh isn’t mad at her anymore, but she still feels guilty. Other than that, they’re pretty much the same,” Liv told her.

Azzi hummed and thought about the two siblings. It made her happy to hear that things had gone back to normal, except Paige’s guilt of course. But it gave her a little sense of peace, knowing that they had done the right thing - they had saved Paige’s relationship with her brother.

She hesitated. She didn’t know whether her next question was appropriate or not, but it was gnawing at her.

“Do you judge me?”

Liv was quick to answer.

“No, Azzi,” she said. “I don’t.”

“I hurt Josh, and I made Paige hurt him too,” Azzi said quietly, filled with shame. “I would understand if you don’t like me.”

“Azzi,” Liv almost laughed. “I don’t think cheating is okay. But I know you don’t think that either. You feel guilty because you regret it, because you wish you wouldn’t have done it. Now if you wouldn’t have regretted it, then I would probably judge you a little.”

“I feel like you’re forgiving me too fast,” Azzi said honestly.

“I’ve known about this since you were here,” Liv told her, and Azzi’s eyes widened on the other side of the phone. “I saw the way you two looked at each other. It was very clear that you both were in love. And Paige told me. She broke down and waited for my judgement, just like you. I don’t need to be the one who fills you with guilt, because you’ve already filled yourself with it.”

Azzi’s heart was hammering in her chest.

She felt so unworthy of Auntie Liv’s understanding nature. So undeserving of this kind of grace. So unfamiliar with this kind of unconditional love.

And it hurt her heart even more. Because even if Auntie Liv and Mike would be in her life, she would still not be able to be a real part of their family.

Maybe it was for the better to just never see any of them again? After all, it would just make her miss Paige even more to be in her orbit but still not being able to be with her.

“Thank you for being so kind,” Azzi exhaled shakily. “It’s honestly been a hard couple of weeks.”

“I get that,” Liv said. “Just remember that you’re not alone. Paige is suffering right there with you, just not physically right there.”

Azzi could tell she was half joking, half not. She hummed with a small smile in appreciation.

Yeah, at least they were in it together, in a weird distanced sense.

“Listen,” Auntie Liv spoke up again. “From the short time I got to meet you, I could tell you’re a wonderful girl. And by the way Josh and Paige have talked about you, I have every reason to like you. Now as I told Paige, we all make mistakes. This was one of yours. But I have no doubt in my mind that you’re a lovely girl, Azzi. So let me balance that voice inside of you that fills you with guilt and remind you that you’re not just your mistake. You’re a lot more than that. And yes, while I don’t particularly love the fact that you cheated on my nephew, I appreciate deeply how you loved my niece. You made her so happy. You were something special.”

Made. Were.

Everything in their conversation was starting to feel bittersweet. The past tense was starting to hurt more than the sweet words were healing her.

“I hope you’ll be able to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, Azzi,” Auntie Liv concluded her little speech.

With a heavy heart, Azzi replied:

“I hope so too. Thank you, Auntie Liv. You don’t know how much I appreciate your call.”

“Anytime, Azzi. Anytime.”

It was a curse in disguise, pretending to be a blessing.

Conflicted feelings started to bubble inside of Azzi as the call had ended.

It was almost daunting, the way she got a taste of what it would be like to be a part of their family and be cared about by them. Like she was so close, but would never be close enough. It was a dream turning into a nightmare.

She did truly appreciate Liv’s call. She felt touched and cared for in a way that was comforting. At the same time, it opened wounds that hadn’t even healed yet.

Azzi felt her heart ache out of hopelessness.

She missed Paige.

It was the middle of the day, but Azzi just buried her head in the pillows and decided that this day wasn’t real.

This was just a dream, not the other way around.

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#azzi fudd #paige bueckers #pazzi fics #pazzi

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