azkalcc

[azkalcc]

I’m convinced that what hurts us the most in life is lack of clarity. It’s the not having closure, always wondering, being confused part of the bad things that happen to us that destroys us. Because when we don’t know the answer to something we really want to know the answer to, we can’t stop thinking about it. Whether it’s why we didn’t get into a school or why we lost a job or why someone broke up with us or why a parent or friend abandoned us. We literally cannot get it out of our heads and we’ll think about the same situations over and over and analyze the same words hundreds of times, thinking we’ll somehow come up with the answers, but we never do. Because we’re not psychics or mind readers so that’s impossible. THAT’S what’s impossible to get over, it’s not what actually happened, it’s the not knowing why it happened. I promise you. If people were just straightforward, if someone literally said look you have everything I’m looking for you’re just too tall for me and I can’t date a girl taller than me I’m sorry. YES, that would suck, but it would be possible to get over because it’s a real and tangible reason and it’s something that you can’t control or change. So your self confidence might waver temporarily and you’ll probably cry, but you can eventually just accept that fact of life- that some people are going to reject you solely for your height- and hate him forever and move on. And I know that’s a bad example. But the point is that when people just leave and don’t tell us why we weren’t good enough, it gives us something to obsess over. Possibly for years. Because it could be anything. So we keep thinking about all the things we did wrong, trying to figure out what it was that drove him away or why he never called us back. And what do you think happens when we spend that much time focusing on our flaws? We start to hate ourselves. So instead when someone leaves we have to train ourselves to tell ourselves all the amazing things about us that he is giving up on and focus on those over and over and over. Make his favorite cookies for yourself and say out loud that he’s never going to have these again. Do your hair and put on some heels and go out with somebody else and when he tells you you’re beautiful, believe it. And next time someone says you did a good job on something, say “I know.” Because there’s nothing wrong with you, just because one person couldn’t see what was right in front of them, it doesn’t mean everyone else can’t. He is the one who lost, he is the one missing out. Don’t focus on what parts of yourself weren’t good enough, focus on the parts that were so good he’s going to miss them.

[azkalcc]

[azkalcc]

God, forgive me

I’ve become amicable to memories

And us and this concept of permanent

I’ve become amicable to perpetual emptiness

It’s foreign to feel happy

I’m afraid of myself becoming frail, but more so when I couldn’t feel

I’ve become the one thing I tell myself not to be

Amicable to the love that is fragile, and hope above all else, aside from God.

[azkalcc]

Misused of human resources (notes) By Ken Robinson We have people go through every day of their lives not liking what they do: they endure it, rather than enjoy it and wait for the weekend. But we also have people who love what they do, because it’s who they are and it speaks their most authentic self. How this relates to education? • every education is being reformed in the world: it’s useless because it’s improving the wrong techniques • There has to be a revolution in education • Innovate fundamentally education (difficult) • there are ideas that all of us are enthralled to, we simply take for granted, to cope with the things happened in the past. It’s however very hard to figure out what it’s you take for granted, the reason is because you simply take it for granted • There are things we are enthralled to in education However pressed down sometimes by the construct we are build in for (there’s linearity in education. Success is from one point to another. However the world is organic. It’s vast and multi complex. We have been told to go to college after school, and we’ve been used to the ideas, and if we don’t we are throwing our lives away) • The challenge: to reconstitute our talent and ability • ridiculousness of school education: little kids are being interviewed to join school (system of linearity). Everything is standardized (fast food model of education) • it’s all about passion: it’s necessary • passion takes us into a different course through universe. It feeds people’s spirits • Principle of agriculture: human flourish is not a mechanic process it’s an organic. The result is unpredictable, but it’s necessary to create a condition in which people are able to flourish • personalized curriculum

[azkalcc]

“When the night fell and she was drowning in liquor, she felt for smooth hands and worn leather. She didn’t dare open her eyes because she knew, in spite of all efforts to suffocate the knowledge, that it wasn’t him and it would never be him again.”

— tara love / drowning in memories

[azkalcc]

“You want to give me all your love, but I don’t want to accept it. I hate your love and the ever-present burns caused by your ever-inflamed temper. I hate the way you clip my wings as you tell me you’re glad that I’m such an angel and that angels need to be grounded, groomed, be under the care of an envious God. I despise the things you make me do, that taint me and twist my morals and give me guilt-induced nightmares. I hate you. I hate you because you’ve forced me to give myself up under the guise of love that, upon closer inspection, is only greed and manipulation. I hate that you can’t see that and I hate that I, with this insight, will still make excuses for you. I hate that my weakness to your grip confines these sentiments to smudged ink and blinking lights behind a screen. I hate how I can’t leave you or make you leave without wanting to leave this hell. Most of all, I hate myself because I am unable to blame you for your actions without blaming myself, because I am unable to throw the constantly glowing embers of your self-righteous anger back at your face without feeling as if I must consume some in order to be deserving of self-defense.”

— tara love / i hate you and i wish i could hate you as much as i hate myself

[azkalcc]

we existed in remarkable lighting

I know that feeling

Ive tasted that smile

The wine you’re drinking was once in my glass

And now I’m wading through waters

Tripping out of clubs trying to remember what I felt like before I knew you existed

Before I felt you in silent films and silver screens

Before romance came to life in technicolor and your record player

Love has become a stranger to me

A friendly wave given to remark it’s passing through

But I know that smile

I’ve feasted on those feelings

That wine you’re drinking was once in my glass.

-a.a.

[azkalcc]

AJ-

[azkalcc]

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[azkalcc]

-Azka- #poetry

[azkalcc]

True love

If you rattle me loud enough

you could hear the silence, 

the vacancy on my left breast

the echo of this empty shell

If you shout loud enough

maybe I can better understand the hate you lace your words

the love you scream 

If you hit me hard enough

 I will shatter at your fist

I will take your pain and understand that you love me and at times I deserved this

If you clenched my throat tightly enough

I might take my last, and rid you of the burden that is me

And

When tomorrow comes and you show me love

and bruise me with marks as the sun dawn

I will be a painting made with the truest love we claimed

-Azka-

[azkalcc]

Strangers

You have the tendency to leave me cold the morning after you desperately worshipped my body. What is it about your hard story gaze, calculating, afraid that you might have to spill your guts about your heart wrenching past. Darling, i do not crave for your childhood memories if you do not wish to tell me. But I care if you choose to show me what you are are made of, and I will caressed the broken bits of you with every fiber being that I possessed. And I will laugh to the happy memories so you can relived it once again. But do not leave me cold, unwanted, as if you do not recall you were just a man on his knees, begging for me to attend your naked skin. Im your friend, and you are mine, intimacy is merely touch, and morning shouldn’t be a reason to be strangers. 

[azkalcc]

Merciful

Merciful

I’m tight at his breathing

open hand or closed fist

It’s all divine

For what I seek is his touch and validation

And so I let him

buckled me to my knees

And Surrender with both hands tied behind my back

At his mercy.

-AJ-

[azkalcc]

Betrayal

 Two years has it been?

The feeling I recall as a typical Friday

Turned to hot summer gaze

Feelings became primal desires

I remained committed

Even after you were someone else’s 

I could not lift myself 

to meet unknown man’s eyes

Because looking felt like betrayal

To my feelings

I could not lie

Because all I ever wanted was you

And when you came

I wanted to stay true. 

- AJ-

[azkalcc]

A Game of Two

I’m merely the distraction you seek

with my blouse unbuttoned

 and the cloth around my legs tight

you rose to the tinted pink of my cheek

 and your legs buckled weak

I’m merely the distraction I seek

with your love unattainable

I resort to anything oblique

So i smile, give you a satin lining to a fabric, 

wrapped around my heart

Hoping that you will one day realized.

if not, then ill string along like an actress in your show

because you like to see me beg

and I like to put on a show

[azkalcc]

I want you mental and physically

[azkalcc]

The Garden that is Me

I’ve grown to believe that a man could save me Here, nearing my 20s, I still degrade my capabilities I’ve grown to fear the life when I’m not wanted I must’ve thought that the flower within me would wither away I’ve grown to believe that a man could save me Thinking, that without his love, I’m nothing And with his acceptance, I’m something But as I still learn to water the garden in me I realize that I’m a power of change I’m not easily shaken, because my root will grow so deep into the ground, and he will finally realize not to pick a flower simply because he finds it beautiful Because everything that is beautiful is replaceable and he will find another rose to pluck or a certain tulips to kiss I’ve grown to believe that a man could save me but I’m the thunder and the wilderness he could not tame because in the end, I built this palace, placed a crown upon my head, wider than the love that is he. -Azkajsz-